Author: Colette Arrand

The New 52: Green Lantern: New Guardians #1, Green Lantern #1, Green Lantern Corps #1, Red Lanterns #1

Green Lanterns: New Guardians #1

Writer: Tony Bedard / Artist: Tyler Kirkham

I’ve never been much for any Green Lantern not named Guy Gardner (best jacket in comics, best hair in comics), but start me off with a gaggle of dead ones, victims all of a seemingly apocalyptic intergalactic battle, and I’m going to take notice. The new Lantern in question here is Kyle Rayner, and, if this is what the characters always been like, I don’t see what people have been complaining about since his 1994 debut. He’s a nice enough guy, and, as a comic book artist, he’s able to bend the Green Lantern power ring to more creative uses than giant boxing gloves or the current popular manifestation of supreme cosmic willpower–the giant machine gun. He saves a crane operator from certain doom by willing to life three giant, Depression-era construction workers…and is promptly criticized by some random kid for designing his own costume.

Thankfully, Green Lanterns: New Guardians #1 isn’t as preoccupied with defending the legacy of its main character as Aquaman was, and the result is a 22 page comic that both effectively introduces its hero and hurls him into an incredibly dangerous predicament. Out in space, the power rings belonging to other cosmically-powered spacemen are disappearing, which is understandably upsetting to the factions missing their rings. They all converge on Kyle and, wouldn’t you know it, a Lantern from each corps is hot on its tail, ready to tear apart the poor bastard unlucky enough to draw their attention.

Tony Bedard, whose Route 666 remains a favorite–if unheralded–comic of mine, is effective in cramming everything into one issue. Not only does Rayner get the ring, the other Lanterns lose theirs, the crane falls, there’s a whole lot of dead dudes on Oa, and the ring hunters drop in on Rayner at the end. That’s big stuff for a first issue, particularly considering that many of the New 52 first issues have been content to tease at a threat, meander with a character, then jump to the cliffhanger; but Green Lanterns: New Guardians #1 is as tight and controlled as a comic mid-way through its run. Tyler Kirkham’s visuals–particularly his handling of alien species and Rayner’s saving the crane–are stunning and clean, cosmic but still human. I can see a situation where I’d quickly tire of Kyle (he’s a bit sassy, and that can go overboard quickly), but I’m hooked for a couple of issues at least, if not more.

Green Lantern #1

Writer: Geoff Johns / Artist: Doug Mahnke

In Green Lantern #1, Hal Jordan becomes the sad, divorced dad of comics, out of touch with the world around him because he’s spent so much time among the stars. His power ring abandons him and chooses Sinestro, he’s jobless, can’t make rent, is dead to a world that doesn’t realize he protected them, and is hapless when it comes to speaking to Carol Ferris, maybe the only person on Earth who understands him and what he’s been through. Of course, that doesn’t make it any better when Carol takes Hal out to a fancy restaurant, where he charmingly asks her to co-sign the lease on his car where another, better man may have asked her to marry him, but it’s kind of fun watching Jordan and Ferris get their hopes up about two things that couldn’t be more different, only to see both dreams smashed.

This seems to be Geoff Johns’ specialty, to bring superheroes low and raise them back up. Hal Jordan, having shrugged off prior events where he killed billions of people, is an odd reclamation project, but Johns brought Jordan back into this world, and it seems he’s going to be the one to shepard him as the DC Universe moves forward. Having been around the block with a few titles written by Johns, I feel my interest in the adventures of Hal Jordan; Civilian waning even before Green Lantern #1‘s cliffhanger, which looks like the set-up for the world’s dullest, lecture-filled buddy cop movie. While giving Sinestro a place in the Green Lantern Corps is an interesting thought, Johns simply doesn’t write with the short of urgency or poise that I’m looking for. His heroes are ponderous and lost beings, looking for redemption and trying to reclaim their old glory. They’re also too well-aware that they’re better than the people around them. His villains are like that, too, but that I can shrug off. You give a guy phenomenal cosmic powers, and the best he can do is conjure a giant pair of binoculars? If I were the jobber Sinestro easily kills in this issue, I would have tried to attack him from behind, too.

Green Lantern Corps #1

Writer: Peter J. Tomasi / Artist: Fernando Pasarin

Because it’s not enough to have both Kyle Rayner and Hal Jordan down on their luck, Green Lantern Corps #1 sees Guy Gardner apply for a job as a high school football coach and get rejected, as his being on the sideline could make the team vulnerable to extraterrestrial attack. If Hal Jordan is the divorced dad of comics, Guy Gardner is now the sad uncle–he’s wistful for normalcy, has his own goofy nickname for the men and women of the Green Lantern Corps, and still wears the (awesome) jacket that got him laid in high school. John Stewart–actually referred to as the black Green Lantern in another book, in another bit of weird meta-awareness these books probably don’t need–is similarly listless. He’s hired to design a building specifically because he’s a Green Lantern, then he finds out that the building firm wants to cut a few corners, and Stewart quits. Meanwhile, in space, several Lanterns are being hacked to death by a mysterious entity. The moral to Green Lantern Corps #1? It ain’t easy being green.

There’s really not much more to say beyond that. Either Gardner is getting lectured to, or Stewart is doing some lecturing, and neither path is of particular interest to me. The larger, cosmic implications of Green Lantern Corps #1 will take center stage, I imagine, but of all the New 52 books I’ve read, this comics Threat/Hero Building/Threat set-up is the least compelling one yet. There are some nice touches, like when Gardner is being interrogated by the other men applying for the high school coaching job, but, maybe because I read Star Wars novels as a kid that did the same thing, the prospect of an entire planet being drained of its water–especially a planet that isn’t Earth–just doesn’t excite me, and Stewart, by using his ring to send his potential employers hurtling Earthward in a lantern-powered elevator because his standard of excellence is nothing short of impractical, strikes me as somewhat petulant. Like many of the books DC has recently launched, Green Lantern Corps #1 features some very strong art, here by Fernando Pasarin. But, like with many other books in the line-up, strong art isn’t enough to get me to plunk down $2.99, and Peter J. Tomasi’s script, like the one he did for Batman and Robin #1, does more to turn me away from a good concept than interest me in seeing what happens next. He’s reaching for quiet, character defining stuff in both comics, but both are let-downs.

Red Lanterns #1

Writer: Peter Milligan / Artist: Ed Benes

Red Lanterns #1 is a curiosity to me, as I missed out on the crazy widening of the Green Lantern mythos’ color spectrum, and I knew who exactly zero of the characters in this book were going in. I assumed that it was going to be a villain book, since the dudes and dudettes on the cover looked pretty feral and of the teeth-gnashing variety, but the Red Lanterns are given their power and motivation by a desire for revenge. They are, in fact, so powered by vengeance that they’re mentally crippled by rage, unable to do much more than rip people apart and fight each other. But, two pages in, there’s a cute housecat who rips apart some S&M-themed aliens, so I was immediately attached to the concept, which I’d otherwise be tetherless to.

The leader of the Red Lanterns, Atrocitus, is a kind of cosmic Conan the Barbarian. Like Conan, he’s motivated by the death of his family, is a man of phenomenal strength and rage in a universe that doesn’t understand him, a tool by which a reader is allowed to mull over the value of violence and rage in society. Atrocitus saw his whole planet wiped out by the machinations of an insane Guardian of the Universe, so there’s plenty of fuel in the tank. But, just the same, that Guardian is dead now–can one still feel rage once vengeance is claimed? Atrcitus looks into the future, sees much suffering, and determines that yes, such things are possible.

As much as I like Atrocitus (I dig Conan and Red Sonja and other barbarians, so I suppose that makes sense), Red Lanterns has some ground to cover before it becomes something I’d gladly spend my money on. Apparently, the rage-infected humans of 28 Days Later are what inspired Geoff Johns and Ethan Van Scriver when they created the Red Lantern Corps, and that influence is certainly evident in the way the Lanterns who aren’t Atrocitus behave–they’re barely capable of speech. Not that Red Lanterns is a zombie book, but my interest in the other Red Lanterns right now is like the interest that I have in a zombie that isn’t threatening a potential meal–nil. I see that there are a few possible recruits to the Core, and perhaps the potential to increase the awareness of the other members. That would be splendid.

I trust Peter Milligan, whose run on X-Force and the resulting X-Statix are perhaps the best commentary on the absurdity of superheroism, superhero teams, and fame I’ve read in mainstream comic books. I also like Ed Benes, whose art has matured considerably since I last saw it in Birds of Prey. I previously had him figured as a cheesecake artist, adept at drawing the ridiculously implausible curves of DC’s superheroines and little more, but beyond Bleez, Atrocitus’ second in command, there is little room for T&A. His Red Lanterns look properly demonic, ready for war.

November 12, 2011
Movie Review: A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (2011)

If A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Chistmas does anything—and part of its charm is that it so effectively does nothing—it’s that it finally, definitively unseats 1953’s The House of Wax from its throne as the King of 3D Sight Gags. No matter how many skulls Nicholas Cage threw at the screen, no matter how many detached, piranha-bitten penises were floated my way, it was going to take Hollywood’s best shot to top House of Wax‘s paddleball master, paddling his ball in all three dimensions as Vincent f’n Price commented on the utter banality of the gimmick. Whereas most 3D films, including the aforementioned Drive Angry and Pirhanna—those being the modern standard-bearer for the use of 3D in ways unpretentious—have failed in their responsibility both to prove Price wrong and justify the ludicrous, attendance-killing practice of charging an extra matinee ticket for low culture films and a dimmer picture. Not A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas. It lives in the third dimension, where protesters huck 3D eggs, Catholic priests have 3D teeth punched out of their 3D mouths, and Danny Trejo—playing Harold’s disgruntled, Christmas-loving father-in-law—ejaculates onto an eight-foot Douglas Fir tree because otherwise how would you know if the 3D surcharge was really worth it?

Stuck a mash-up of every sitcom episode where a group of buddies set out to save Christmas, Harold (John Cho) and Kumar (Kal Penn) find each other at opposite ends of the spectrum. Harold’s now a married, successful business man with lame, white friends, whereas Kumar is single, alone, and buying weed from a mall Santa. They’re brought together again by a mystery package containing a gigantic joint that sets Harold’s father-in-law’s prized Christmas tree on fire. To save Christmas (I resisted the urge to type that in all caps), Harold, Kumar, Kumar’s pervert friend Adrien (Amir Blumenfeld), and Harold’s squarish “friend” Todd (Thomas Lennon), who, by bringing along his toddler daughter, will surely win Father of the Year. As you can probably guess, the plot doesn’t really matter in a movie like A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas. When something happens outside the parameters of rescuing Christmas, it’s either to poke fun at the cheap commercialism of the season (Wafflebot, perhaps the best fake movie toy since Turboman), or, ironically, to cash-in on some easy product placement (the Russian mafia…playing Mafia Wars).

The above is a no-frills plot summary, but I’ve got to admit, reviewing A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas is hard. And pointless. The movie, like many comedies, practically gives itself to you through the trailer and previews, spoiling all of the best humor not involving penises in a vain attempt to draw attention to a Christmas movie that, for some reason, was released in early November. The list of things name-checked by the previews is rather impressive: Rankin-Bass claymation Christmas specials, stoned children, Chrismas in New York City, holiday TV specials, violence towards Santa, Jesus Christ, Neil Patrick Harris (even his best sight gag is in the trailer), marijuana, 3D, Wafflebot, and, jeez, even one of the film’s two big dick jokes (there’s no way to write around that). Odds are that something there appeals to you, and, obviously, your mileage will vary. Me, I like Rankin-Bass, New York Christmas movies, Neil Patrick Harris, the gleefully ridiculous usage of 3D as a gimmick, and the idea of a robot that makes and serves waffles. I wish A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas had been released closer to the holiday it lampoons, as it would have made for effective counter-programming to Spielburg and Scorsesse’s 3D children’s films and whatever Arthur Christmas is, but, for whatever reason, it’s here…and it’ll be back on DVD in time for Christmas (or Easter) next year, returning to taunt me with visions of Wafflebots, dancing in my head.

The major let-down here is that, for however crazy those elements sound in my head, put together on screen they don’t do anything to push boundaries or get subversive. The shoehorned-in Neil Patrick Harris sequences are edgy when he’s using his presumed homosexuality to take advantage of the dancers in his TV special, but beyond that, A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas is a surprisingly warm-hearted, holiday-themed victory lap. It’s enjoyable enough, but, like the 32-inch 3D HDTV that promises to make Avatar look Avatarded, the movie is a little too lifeless, the bow topping it off a little too neat.

Rating:

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas. Directed by Todd Strauss–Schulson. With John Cho (Harold), Kal Penn (Kumar), Neil Patrick Harris (Neil Patrick Harris), Thomas Lennon (Todd), Amir Blumenfeld (Adrien), and Danny Trejo (Mr. Perez). Released November 4, 2011, by Warner Bros.

November 11, 2011
Fear of a Ghost Interview: UltraMantis Black

Perhaps more than any other professional wrestler, UltraMantis Black is a walking contradiction. He has competed in violent death matches, professed his goals of world domination, and torn other wrestlers asunder with his deadly intellect and an arsenal of finishing maneuvers whose names—Praying Mantis Bomb, Cosmic Doom, and Cosmic Disaster being but a few of them—sound like the sort of things Dr. Doom would deploy against the Fantastic Four. But the former Angry Insect Evildoer also has a soft side, as indicated by his love of animals, his veganism, and, perhaps most tellingly, the Christmas-themed sleeve tattoos running down both of his arms.

If you’re one of the dozens who read Blogamania, my first attempt at blogging about the weird and wonderful corner of pop culture known as professional wrestling, then you know that my first CHIKARA show, 2010’s We Must Eat Michigan’s Brain, was my foot in the door to the world of independent wrestling, which, for so long, had been a stop-gap measure for wrestlers who weren’t suitable for the WWF, WCW, or ECW. A lot has changed since then, and UltraMantis, a nine-year veteran of the squared circle, is indicative of a dramatic shift in the medium. While huge, larger-than-life narratives were once the bread and butter of the WWE, those are slowly being fazed out in favor of a parade of generically tattooed musclemen arguing over a title that changes hands every three weeks. While there’s still some fight in that old horse, wrestling’s most satisfying stories are now being told in the recreation centers, flea markets, and bingo halls of this great land, the very venues that were once mocked and derided by the likes of Eric Bischoff and Jerry “the King” Lawler on broadcasts of Monday Night Raw and Monday Nitro. The underground is thriving, a veritable phantasmagoria of personality and athleticism the likes of which you won’t find on cable TV, and the devious, megalomaniacal UltraMantis Black is the very picture of indie wrestling’s something-for-everybody ethic. I dropped into CHIKARA in the middle of UltraMantis Black’s war with the Bruderschaft Des Kreuzes and was immediately hooked. He returned a year later, and I’d convinced a sizable group of friends to check out the product, and bake UltraMantis a vegan peanut butter cake.

I’ve written a little about the privilege of being an indie fan, and one of them that I’ve only just recently discovered is that guys like UltraMantis are pretty open to being interviewed. He is a mere two days away from the biggest weekend of his career, a weekend where he not only joins forces with seven other wrestlers to take on the combined powers of the BDK and the Batiri in CHIKARA’s annual torneo cibernetico, but, at the company’s debut internet pay per view, he teams with Hallowicked and puts his mask, his very identity on the line against BDK kingpins Ares and Tim Donst. This still-relevant clip from late last year explains part of UltraMantis Black’s vegan beef substitute with Ares, the Swiss god of war:

The feud between Mantis and Ares—not to mention the one between Hallowicked and Tim Donst, the other half of Sunday’s luchas de apuestas—is far too complex to be recapped in whole here, but UltraMantis is putting his very career on the line in his effort to obliterate the BDK and liberate his and Hallowicked’s former ally Delirious from the influences of the Eye of Tyr, an ancient artifact said to grant the bearer unspeakable powers. The tag team match may look tawdry compared to the headlining clash between CHIKARA founder Mike Quackenbush and Eddie Kingston, but this, friends, is the culmination of two years of bitter hatred, heated confrontations, and unforeseen backstabbings. This is pro-wrestling at its best, and is a huge reason why CHIKARA’s High Noon event is, for many wrestling fans, larger even than WrestleMania. Following the video is the interview UltraMantis was kind enough to accept.

Fear of a Ghost Planet: At Sunday’s High Noon event, you partner with Hallowicked to take on the BDK contingent of Ares and Tim Donst in luchas de apuestas, where you have pledged to unmask if Ares or Donst can defeat you by pinfall or submission. On old telecasts of WCW Monday Nitro, esteemed nerd Mike Tenay often spoke of the luchadore’s mask as his identity. Would you say that the same is true for you? What does the mask mean to you? What would it mean to lose it?

UltraMantis Black: Absolutely agree with Mr. Michael Tenay. In the old tradition of Lucha Libre, a wrestler’s mask is his most valued asset and indeed his or her entire identity and to lose the mask at the hands of another is a most shameful fate. My mask is who I am and without the mask, there is no UltraMantis. As I have said before – if my mask is taken, my career within the squared circle will end.

Fear of a Ghost Planet: In your nine year professional career, I’d be willing to guess that no wrestling fan has seen your face. You’re putting all of that on the line for the Eye of Tyr. Can you give some background on the Eye? What do you plan to do with it?

UltraMantis Black: The reasons I would put my mask and identity on the line are few and far between. I am doing so in order to possess the Eye once more. The Eye has a very ancient and storied history. It has long been believed to hold powers beyond the realm of human comprehension. Some would refer to this power as “mind control”. Ares stole the Eye from me and used it to gain control of Delirious, a former ally of the current Spectral Envoy stable. By taking back the Eye, I will fulfill a promise to my “Nightmare Warrior” Hallowicked to liberate Delirious from his mental enslavement to the BDK. I then have other plans for the artifact…

Once, UltraMantis Black used the Eye of Tyr to bend Delirious to his will. At High Noon, he hopes to use it in freeing Delirious from the tyranny of the BDK.

Fear of a Ghost Planet: You’re a CHIKARA original, one of the first graduates of the WrestleFactory, and the war between the BDK and CHIKARA quickly escalated to the point where you and your cohorts were fighting for the soul of the promotion. You’ve put aside old grudges and forged a few new ones in your effort to get to Ares, and it seems like High Noon is, to date, your best chance to vanquish the BDK for good. What would that mean for you, going forward?

UltraMantis Black: By ridding myself as well as CHIKARA of the BDK once and for all, I can finally bury my enemies and old grudges once and for all and move forward with the mission of The Spectral Envoy – to ascend to the top of the CHIKARA food chain while simultaneously controlling the universe.

Fear of a Ghost Planet: Also on the docket for you this weekend, an eight on eight showdown against the BDK and the Batiri in CHIKARA’s eighth annual torneo cibernetico. You and Hallowicked have chosen an eclectic bunch—The Throwbacks, The Young Bucks, Green Ant, and Sara Del Rey—to face this unified front. What was your strategy in selecting a complimentary team, and what, do you feel, will be the key to victory on Saturday?

UltraMantis Black: I actually can’t speak too much to that question as it was in fact Hallowicked, the Cibernetico team captain, who chose these individuals. He is quite wise you see. However I can tell you that all of these individuals have either engaged in previous battles with our opponents or have scores to settle. The key to victory lies in our ability to function as a cohesive fighting unit. I have great confidence.

Fear of a Ghost Planet: To go back to the mask, I have several questions about it and the lifestyle associated with wrestlers who wear them. How many masks do you own? How has being lucha affected your ring presence and style? Has it changed the way you interact with people? Are you, after nine years under a hood, afraid to reveal your face, or is the mask your true visage?

UltraMantis Black: I currently own around 20 masks – some I have never worn in a CHIKARA environment. I have adapted to life in and out of the ring under a mask quite easily. Do I fear revealing my face? Difficult to say. I fear very little in this world but the mere thought does indeed send a shiver down my spine.

Fear of a Ghost Planet: As the leader of the Neo Solar Temple, you often spoke of your goal of world domination through professional wrestling. Despite (or perhaps because of) that goal you don’t often compete outside of a CHIKARA ring. What is so alluring about your home promotion, and why don’t you take many extra-CHIKARA excursions?

UltraMantis Black: I still do on occasion. However, as you say, CHIKARA is indeed my home and after time, you always return home. In the United States, I truly feel that CHIKARA is the premier professional wrestling stage at this time.

Fear of a Ghost Planet: I’m sure that many people still don’t know what to do with the phrase “vegan professional wrestler,” but not only are you one, you’re quite passionate about animal rights. Rather than ask about the dietary aspects of the lifestyle (I’m sure you manage), I’m curious: How difficult is it to procure vegan wrestling gear? And, as a guy with a fair number of tattoos, are those vegan as well? How hard is it to find a tattoo artist who slings vegan ink?

UltraMantis Black: Wrestling gear can be difficult however at this time I have a dedicated fashion designer who custom makes all of my masks and ring gear to my specifications and he is aware of the materials I will and won’t wear so the problem has been alleviated. As for tattoos, again I am lucky in the fact that my loyal prophet Crossbones does all of my work and fulfills my requests to use only pigments not derived from charcoal sourced from animal bone or glycerin based carrier solution and soaps. There are some fabulous all-vegan tattoo shops out there that I’d encourage people to support.

In the Black Tea Garden, every day is Christmas Day (photo credit: m-drop.com)

Fear of a Ghost Planet: Your taste in music is well-reflected by your merchandise, which takes influence not only from hardcore greats like Black Flag and Bad Brains, but groups like the Smiths. What do you find is the best music to get you ready for a match? What records keep you going for long trips in the car?

UltraMantis Black: Great question! Difficult to answer! I listen to EVERYTHING. Pre-match, the heavier and harsher the better – Integrity, Judge, Infest, assorted vegan death metal. Road trips to shows – lots of English music: new wave, no wave, neo-no/new wave, cold wave, early post-punk like Echo & the Bunnymen, Joy Division, of course the Smiths, northern soul, rocksteady/dancehall. Also, pretty much anything that emerged from Washington DC circa 1980-1995.

Fear of a Ghost Planet: You recently performed at the Secret Art Space (in Bethlehem, PA) with the Human Genome Project. How is performing as a member of a band different than performing in the squared circle? Do you plan on future musical endeavors? Perhaps a spoken word album?

UltraMantis Black: I played in a bands long before I stepped into the ring and even continued doing so incognito as I wrestled. This was the first time I merged both. It was something I felt like I needed to do and it was quite cathartic. If you’ve seen that performance, you’d probably agree that there was more spoken word than music. I have a tendency to rant a great deal when there are things burning on my mind. As for the future, we shall see. Some of the musicians involved perform in other bands that take precedence. Either way, the crossover was quite positive.

Warning: The audio on this video is far from perfectFear of a Ghost Planet: I asked Jakob Hammermeier an awkward question about his dating life, and it seems to be a popular one for wrestling fans to ask, so here goes: On top of your duties as a professional wrestler and color commentator, you happen to be the Mayor of Parts Unknown, a position, I’m sure, that requires a certain amount of image upkeep. What are you looking for in a First Mantis?

UltraMantis Black: One who isn’t afraid to unapologetically crush our enemies with one fell swoop of the universal hammer of karmic retribution. Must be a snuggler.

Fear of a Ghost Planet: Thank you very much for your time. Any last words before you go?

UltraMantis Black: Speak out – fight back! Go vegan – stay vegan! Buy some t-shirts – ultramantisblack.com! Gratitude to Fear of a Ghost Planet for the speaking platform!

—

Again, thanks to UltraMantis for taking the time to answer my fairly ridiculous line of questioning. If you’re on Twitter, follow him @UltraMantis. If you’re a wrestling fan, an ex-wrestling fan, a jaded wrestling fan, or a friend of mine who is tired of hearing me talk about wrestling and thinks that watching a show and making fun of it will get me to shut up, please consider ordering CHIKARA’s High Noon iPPV at gfl.tv. For $15, which is less than the price of a 3D movie, you will be treated to pro-wrestling the likes of which you never imagined possible, and will be supporting the little guy. The WWE’s a publicly traded company now, so ordering this show is a lot like occupying Wall Street. It’s more than fun–it’s a civic duty!

November 10, 2011
The New 52: Batman #1, Batman and Robin #1, Batman: Dark Knight #1, and Detective Comics #1

To be honest, I sometimes worry about things like Batman. I know that in a world plagued with real problems, it is mostly ridiculous to care about the portrayal of a comic book character, but if comic books are one of the ways I choose to escape the kung-fu grip of reality, I will likely find myself worrying about my unreality. The way things were in 2006, when I stopped reading comics regularly, my unreality was in a shambles. Batman, my barometer for all things mainstream comic book, had been brought low by the events of Identity Crisis and, in DC’s mad scramble to create another Hush, he’d been pushed through some pretty lame storylines across his own books. In Detective Comics, he stopped detecting. In Batman, he did more brooding over ancient history than punching the crap out of crime. Jason Todd was coming back. Bruce Wayne was going to die or be zapped to the past or something. His mind had been erased. There were chinks in the armor. It was too much to truly care about. But nothing will attract my attention quite like promising a line-wide relaunch, so here I am, reviewing all 52 of DC’s new number ones while the company presses on, this month releasing issue #3s and, for the first time in quite awhile, actually eating into Marvel’s previously unchallenged marketshare. Once again, I find Batman to be my barometer. If the Bat books are shaky, with this much on the line, why bother? I’m racing to catch up with the DC Universe, so today, and until I’ve written about all 52 new books, I’ll be cramming my reviews together. Here are my thoughts on Batman #1, Batman and Robin #1, Batman: Dark Knight #1, and Detective Comics #1. This, too, will serve as a preview of how weekly comic book reviews will be handled in the near and glorious future when I’m not trying to get my bearings in a strange new universe.

Batman #1

Writer: Scott Snyder / Artist: Greg Capullo

Were I the sort who judged a book by its cover, the sight of the Riddler with his hair buzzed to a green question mark would have turned me off of Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo’s take on Batman immediately. That’s not the Riddler I want, I would have bemoaned, little realizing that that the Riddler I want is, in all likelihood, the one of my imagination. It’s easy to project my expectations, my wants, my wishes onto a comic book, easier still to not pick one up because it seems like those things will not be satisfied in 22 pages, for three dollars, but the Riddler was hardly a factor in Batman #1, which, beyond featuring the most interesting detective narrative of the four big Bat books, also had the most compelling take on Bruce Wayne the philanthropist. I don’t know if it was editorial edict to have Bruce spend half the pages of his books standing behind a podium at a fundraiser or cocktail party, talking hopefully of one project or another, but the Bruce Wayne of Batman #1, issuing platitudes about what Gotham City is (“Gotham is hell,” “Gotham is damned,” “Gotham is Batman,” etc.) and the wisdom of his father, does more to show Batman’s sense of civic pride and obligation more than the Bruce Wayne who promises not to give birth to a cannibal, to not be afraid of the unknown. Batman here is much more capable of putting on a public face and, early, it leads to something more interesting than a confrontation with the thousandth cop to piece together the Wayne/Batman connection.

The mystery at the center of this book, involving the grisly murder of a man with the use of old throwing knives, is also compelling, though the twist and the end of the book comes off as a little expected, and will likely wind up being some kind of framejob. Scott Snyder’s script effectively flips the switch from Bruce Wayne: Philanthropist to Batman: World’s Greatest Detective, though it probably helps that the touches defining both are familiar: Batman is always encroaching on Bruce Wayne, making him look absent minded at times, and the way the threat on Bruce Wayne’s life is handled comes straight out of the past. Though these elements lack novelty, it is good to see the character getting back to basics.

Batman is worth returning to, perhaps the biggest reason being Greg Capullo’s art. Of the Batman family books, only J.H. Williams III’s Batwoman has a more captivating take on Gotham City, though Capullo’s is closer to what I’ve always identified as the “real” Gotham, the one of Batman: The Animated Series. He draws a dynamic Batman, at once human and cartoon, and while the Arkham Asylum slugfest that opened the book was a little bland, brief glimpses of his Two-Face, Clayface, and Mr. Freeze have me looking forward to possible future storylines involving those characters.

Batman and Robin #1

Writer: Peter J. Tomasi / Artist: Patrick Gleason

If Batman and Robin #1 (and likely the Grant Morrison Batman and Son arc that preceded it) is anything to go by, having a superhero as a father would not be a cool experience. Matter of fact, it’d be a life fraught with mistrust, disobeyed orders, and, perhaps worst of all, constant bickering. It’s not that Batman isn’t cool, because what isn’t cool about fighting crime and driving souped up machines of death? The problem is that Damien Wayne, the fifth person to take up the mantle of Robin, is a petulant, self-important brat, and, even if that’s the way he’s supposed to be, I’m not going to cop well to a 10-year-old pointing in Batman’s face while yelling about being “light years ahead” of the other Robins.

Maybe Damien (hopefully not named after the kid from The Omen) and his sour temperament are the result of being raised by the League of Assassins, but, as written by Peter J. Tomasi, the relationship between Batman and Robin is stock parent/teen disagreement, but over ridiculously high stakes like irradiated fuel rods. When they speak to each other, it feels a bit like Edward Furlong talking to the Terminator, if Furlong’s John Conner suddenly desired for his pet cyborg to start waxing random passers-by. I don’t know that the failings of Batman and Robin #1 are Tomasi’s–usually a solid hand–or those of the character at the heart of this book. At the center of the Batman/Robin partnership has always been Bruce’s obligation to whatever orphan was dropped on his doorstep. The thing was, those characters–even Tim Drake, by no means a victim of tragedy until Identity Crisis–had a way of humanizing Batman that socialite girlfriends and weekly dinner parties couldn’t. They needed him, and he needed them. I get the sense that Damien is relatively unchanged by the shifting circumstances of his life, that his conflict doesn’t involve learning to be a hero or learning to accept Bruce as his father, but that he’s going to constantly be whining about a perceived lack of respect. If the goal here was to create a completely unlikable Robin, mission accomplished. Eventually, I hope Batman hauls off and decks the kid for his endless backtalk. Or that I get to phone in a vote for him to be blown up in an abandoned shed.

That being said, Patrick Gleason’s art is stunning. Scrumptious. If it were in service to a character I enjoyed, I’d buy two copies so I could hand one to strangers and tell them to see how great a Batman comic can look. The Crime Alley sequence, in particular, is A+ stuff, an elevation of material long taken for granted. Were the issue printed without dialog, there’d be something touching about a father taking his son to the last place he saw his parents, the shower of pearls in the gutter, the floating of a paper boat into the great unknown. But that Damien’s got a mouth, man. “You can’t just build a boat and hope darkness sails away with it,” he says, but it’s like Look kid, he can do whatever he wants. He’s the goddamn Batman.

Batman: Dark Knight #1

Writer (Co-Plotter): Paul Jenkins / Artist (Co-Plotter): David Finch

The first image in Batman: Dark Knight #1 is the Gotham skyline, crowded with three blimps and a universe of spotlights. It’s likely that this is ultimately significant of nothing, but combined with the Arkham Asylum breakout (another one?), the giant reception Bruce Wayne speaks at (another one?), and that the first thing Batman does is fly his plane through Gotham, rappel down to the buildings, change into civvies and zipline across town to be on time for his speech on Fear: A Cannibal, Batman: Dark Knight feels a bit like Jenkins and Finch’s interpretation of The Greatest Batman Hits of the 90s, where everything was big, bold, and, above all else, toyetic.

All of that plays to Finch’s strength as an artist, in particular his ability to lavish a scene in detail, but so much of it is utterly unnecessary. The board room scene, the Arkham breakout. I don’t have a problem that this has happened across so many of the new Batman #1s, but that it’s happened so much period, and that there’s pretty much nothing new under that particular rock. I imagine it’ll be important somehow–how did that weird rabbit-woman get into Arkham? who enabled the issue’s pivotal change to Two-Face? how?–but my concern in reading Batman: Dark Knight isn’t Bruce or Batman or his detective work, and not even the unfortunate and fundamental change in direction Two-Face undergoes, but why every man is over-muscled, why the attractive foreigner wore a hooker’s dress to this particular Wayne Enterprises meeting, why anybody felt the need to toy with and alter a tried and true villain; just why everything feels so dated and insecure as it tries to be all of the most badass things about Batman that having a kid or being a detective don’t allow. The Batman of Paul Jenkins and David Finch appears to be the Batman of slugfests. I grew out of that Batman ages ago.

Detective Comics #1

Writer/Artist: Tony S. Daniel

For those of you who like your Joker grim ‘n gritty, in Detective Comics #1, he rips out the throat of a “big fan” while completely nude. In a post-Flashpoint world, it’s tough to know how familiar Batman is with the Joker (considering the turn at the end of the issue, my guess is “pretty familiar”), but he seems perplexed by the Joker’s choice to not wear clothes and, like Rorschach planning to delve further into Ozymandias’ sexuality, makes a note of it for later. When, at the end of the issue, the Joker blows up a building full of cops, he walks away from the scene declaring “Amatuers!” with a sneer, a comedian miffed that his audience isn’t in on the joke.

Then again, the Joker’s always played to an audience of one, so it makes a certain amount of sense that he’s the only one laughing, and it makes perfect sense that he’s able to play Batman and the Gotham City Police Department like a fiddle, murdering and fighting so that he can end up back in Arkham Asylum, where he has an appointment he’d like to keep. That, along with the “amateurs” moment and Batman’s tenuous working relationship with the GCPD, including the use of the Bat Signal (despite cops firing on him) and the appearance of Harvey Bullock, are reminiscent of Batman: The Animated Series, if the seminal cartoon took on the darker aspects of the work of Frank Miller. Detective Comics #1 is incredibly gory for a main title depicting the adventures of the world’s most popular superhero, but that’s not at all a reason to discount what writer and artist Tony Daniel is doing with the old Batman/Joker tropes. As a matter of fact, I’m not sure what I think about the end of issue #1, other than that it’s a compelling, deft hook–one that’s worth giving another couple issues to, for everything to pan out.

November 9, 2011
Fear of a Ghost Interview: Jakob Hammermeier

Jakob Hammermeier is a man of many hats, a loyal wrestler/ring announcer/manager of the Bruderschaft Des Kreuzes, perhaps the most dastardly stable to have graced the squared circle. He’s been a presence in the Philadelphia-based CHIKARA promotion since January of 2010 as the BDK’s personal ring announcer/ringside attendant, but, after a year of abuse an injury at the hands of CHIKARA’s technicos, he decided to take matters into his own hands, seeking out training from recent WWE-signee Claudio Castagnoli and Ares, the Swiss god of war.

While perhaps not as feared or respected as BDK stalwarts Tursas and Tim Donst, Jakob has nevertheless made a name for himself as an in-ring competitor, having scored victories over the likes of Gregory Iron, Dasher Hatfield, Da Soul Touchaz, and Green Ant, building an impressive resume and maneuvering himself into contention for CHIKARA’s Young Lions Cup, currently held by Tadasuke, of the Osaka Pro promotion in Japan.

While it may not have come across to Jakob from the way this interview went down, Mr. Hammermeier is one of my favorite personalities in indie wrestling. His self-announced ring entrance is fantastic, his shilling of his Team Jakob t-shirts was a highlight of intermission at the three CHIKARA events I’ve been to this year, and the man is as fashion forward as they come, unafraid to wear a tie and a vest without a shirt. In one week, he faces maybe his biggest challenge at CHIKARA’s High Noon iPPV, which takes place Sunday, November 13, live from the former ECW Arena in Philly. In one on one action, he takes on Sara Del Rey, just one of many matches that are well worth your time and money. Jakob was kind enough to answer a few of my questions about the event, which you can order at gfl.tv. Now, the interview…

Q: I suspect most people assume that Sara Del Rey might kill you at Chikara’s High Noon iPPV, but, as you’ve proven in matches against the likes of Eddie Kingston, you’re a resilient competitor. What’s the secret to your strength?

Jakob Hammermeier: Well put mein freund. I am resilient. Sara Del Rey is going to underestimate me just like everyone does, this along with the fact that I am more resilient than anybody on the CHIKARA roster. Bone density is the secret. I drink more milk than the average bear, that’s for sure!

Q: As some may be aware, you’re the first graduate of the BDK WrestleFactory. What advantages do you feel that has given you over a graduate of another wrestling school?

JH: Ares und Claudio Castagnoli are bar none the BEST trainers in all of profressional wrestling. I feel this gives me an advantage because they honed in to train me all by mein lonesome as opposed to one teacher training a whole class. It is comparable to the private schools versus the deplorable U.S. public school system. Assisted lessons by the rest of the BDK (including the aformentioned “homewrecker”) I received a melting pot of different styles from which to pick und chose.

Q: Your in-ring career has been relatively short. What would winning Cibernetico or defeating a world-renowned competitor like Del Rey do for somebody in your position? Do you think about taking matches outside of CHIKARA—a Team Jakob World Tour, maybe?

JH: Mo’ money! Mo’ recognition! Mo’ Jakob merchandise as a result! Also, don’t think for one second that I have taken mein eyes off of the YLC. So a big win may get me in a YLC match.

Q: Being a member of the BDK must make you quite a catch at the local biergarten. Who is a better wingman—Tim Donst, or Tursas?

JH: Tim Donst. Tursas consumes women almost as quickly as he consumes mead and venison. Not much of a conversationalist. Tim on the other hand, usually talks about himself so much that the women just need someone to listen to them, we usually talk about hair products.

Q: Your role in the BDK has evolved rapidly, from ring announcer to manager to in-ring competitor. What do you see in the BDK’s future? What role will you play in it?

JH: I see the BDK turning things around. We obviously did a number on a gaggle of technicos in CHIKARA’s southern excursion. At the Cibernetico und High Noon, we will ride that momentum into next season. I plan on being a soldier for the cause, with always keeping the YLC in the back of mein mind.

Q: If you could call your finishing maneuver anything besides the “Rude Awakening,” what would it be?

JH: Although mein finishing maneuver is indeed inspired by Rick Rude (one of mein childhood favorites) mein variation already has a name, “Gute Nacht!” it truly is devastating.

Q: As a ring announcer, a match’s presentation must be very important to you. If you could hand pick a two-man announce team to call your match at High Noon, who would man the commentation station?

JH: JH: Good ol’ JR und LFC [CHIKARA’ s own Leonard F. Chikarason] .

Q: You’re a frequent presence at ringside, particularly during the matches Tursas is competing in. What philosophies do you bring as a manager, and how does somebody as wise and battle-tested as he respond to your suggestions?

JH: I don’t really have philosophies of mein own. I just take mein orders from Ares and remind Tursas of the battle plan. Sometimes his rage gets in the way of strategy, und I am there to keep him on track.

Q: What, right now, is a bigger threat to the BDK: A unified Spectral Envoy, or the free radical, Sara Del Rey.

JH: I had no idea that this interview would have such loaded biased questions. This is horribly unprofessional. This interview is over!

And that’s how my e-mail communique with Jakob ended. I did not get any tips on hair care, and I did not find out which IKEA the BDK plans to storm if they’re successful at Cibernetico: The Animated Series and the High Noon iPPV. For more information on High Noon, Jakob Hammermeier, and CHIKARA itself, head on over to chikarapro.com.

November 7, 2011
Wrestling Worth Watching: WWE Raw (10/31/11), SmackDown! (11/4/11) and Webshows

Another week, another tweak: It doesn’t make much sense to split up posts for the WWE’s televised content and their webshows, nor would it be entirely fair to an independent promotion if I spent half of a post talking about their work ethic and general awesomeness and the other half talking about how thankful I am that Maxine and Derrik Bateman actually kiss in a wrestling relationship. So NXT and Superstars are migrating here, to the weekly post about the WWE. Indie promotions and WWE’s developmental company, Florida Championship Wrestling, will get their own post starting next week. TNA and ROH, TV options two and three, will continue to get their own post, and pay per views will receive coverage separate from everything else, even if wrestling threatens to choke the slider bar on the main page out. I’m formulating a full blown schedule of posts for Fear of a Ghost Planet, but for now, much like the early 90s, if it’s the weekend, that must mean it’s time for some wrestling.

WWE Raw (10/31/11)

Before I go into a full-blown recap of Raw, allow me to vent: There are few things in pop culture that I love as much as pro-wrestling, and, of those things, the Muppets are probably tops, so much so that I once had a blog about them. This isn’t really the time or place to get into why I love Jim Henson’s ragtag creations, but I approached Monday Night’s episode with the sort of nervous trepidation I anticipate the new Muppet movie with. Yes, the Muppets are iconic and timeless and capable of making me happy on sight, and yes, two of my favorite things were colliding in ways most people with two favorite things never experience. This wasn’t that scene in Toy Story 3 where Andy had to choose between Woody and Buzz–both of my childhood preoccupations were on my TV screen at the same time. But, going into Raw, I knew I’d only be seeing the Muppets by proxy, Kermit the Frog & Co. as written by a group of people who, if you ask the typical manifesto blogging wrestling fan, don’t know their own product, let alone Jim Henson’s. It’s been a long time–a very long time–since the Muppets did anything resembling the gang’s Jim Henson heydey, and while the film looks like it’ll return them to form, Frank Oz doesn’t seem too convinced, and promoting your film on the same platform used to promote The Goods and the continued existence of David Arquette doesn’t fill me with confidence, either. The hit-to-miss ratio on this episode of Raw was about 50/50, but I’m heavily biased and tremendously optimistic, so feel free to disagree. I won’t be complaining about Santino/Jack Swagger this week, though, as I’m pretty much convinced that the WWE abandoned the Swagger train in 2010 and is never getting back on.

Booking Mark Henry vs. CM Punk: Even though it lasted less than three minutes, it was teased and I want more. If this match doesn’t happen on pay per view sometime within the next five months, I will be very, very sad.

Statler and Waldorf: They were easily the best part of a generally weak show. They were even afforded a private box. Rather than post the miserable bits that led to their best lines, I’ll let the screencap do the talking:

CM Punk Gets Del Rio to Give Him a Match: If nothing else, the segment that saw CM Punk get his title match against Alberto Del Rio at Survivor Series brought back the Anaconda Vice, Punk’s awesome ECW-era finishing submission move that hasn’t gotten nearly enough play since it’s last big moment, a shady submission victory over the Undertaker in 2009.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder: Good match, great finish. Ryder has been more interesting in the ring than on YouTube of late, and that’s probably a good thing. If he gets a US Title match against Ziggler at Survivor Series, in Madison Square Garden, it’ll be the biggest victory the internet and wrestling fans have ever scored over the intelligentsia who are convinced that we’d rather see Mason Ryan in Ryder’s spot.

Questionable Decision of the Week I: Telling the world that the Rock was going to respond to John Cena, only to have him BRING IT via satellite again. I love The Rock as much as anybody else who grew up in the Attitude Era, but watching him literally mail it in from exotic locale after exotic locale is getting tiresome, especially since he’s now robbing time and heat from guys who could actually use the TV time. If the Rock is getting a three hour Raw to himself a week or two before Survivor Series, why does he need ten minutes that could have gone to Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, or Tyson Kidd? Why should he get that time? The WWE has put a lot of time and money into the John Cena vs. The Rock Wrestlemania main event next year, so much so that the Miz was a sidedish to his own Wrestlemania main event, so much so that The Rock will be the recipient of two very special episodes of Raw. What I’ve gotten from this, beyond one or two very good promos way back in March, is a mostly horrible Wrestlemania 27, a promise for 28, and a Rock so unlikable that I wish he’d either go back to making Disney movies or time travel to 1995, when people were willing to tell him that he sucked.

Rocky’s video promo was so grating that Fear of a Ghost Planet contributor Dante checked in with his opinion on it, as well:

It isn’t merely the fact that The Rock keeps bogarting the spotlight but why he’s doing it. Simple fact would be that those who miss the Attitude Era will buy Surivivor Series and that in of itself is sad. It’s like trying to buy a memory. The Rock should either come back or stay gone. This purgatory of cutting crappy internet promos is on par with Cena’s rap routine and I for one really wish I could see none of them.

Questionable Decision of the Week II: Having John Cena beat the Miz in extremely clean fashion (via submission) despite R-Truth’s interference, then having Cena give Truth an Attitude Adjustment. Bringing the Rock in for a Survivor Series tag team match is the equivalent of bringing atomic weaponry to a Super Soaker fight. I know that the Rock is coming back for the sake of a few extra buys on pay per view, but, like Dante says, that tactic is pretty sad.

Questionable Decision of the Week III: Not replacing Michael Cole with Statler and Waldorf for the week. This video could have happened, but totally didn’t:

WWE NXT: Redemption (11/2/11) (Watch it on YouTube)

The Derrik Bateman/Maxine Romance Video: Took place to the cheesiest wedding song of all time. Somebody producing NXT has a sense of humor, which may explain why the “prize” for surviving what seems like ten years of wrestling purgatory is a spot on the next season of NXT.

*Actual footage from NXT: Redemption

William Regal: The only three man booth I want to see is William Regal, Statler, and Waldorf.

In my world, Muppets are giants and William Regal is always 2/3 naked. Join me.

The Usos vs. Tyson Kidd & Johnny Curtis: Johnny Curtis, marooned on a desert island after winning NXT Season 4, finally comes back to something like TV after it’s learned that making a lot of puns and getting killed by Mark Henry isn’t an effective means of introduction. He teams with Tyson Kidd, who could probably make a corned beef sandwich look amazing as a tag team partner or opponent, and takes on the Usos, who are pretty much the WWE’s best regular tag team, now that Air Boom is on the shelf for 30 days with Evan Bourne’s recent suspension. Watch this match for the end, which sees Kidd’s attempt at a dive foiled by the Usos, who then launch him into the barricade. Watch this match for Kidd in general, and for Curtis, who ispretty good. Watch it for the Usos. Watch it for tag team wrestling. Watch it because it’s good, and that’s reason enough.

Kaitlyn vs. Tamina: I imagine this is what Beth Phoenix’s matches would be like if she were facing women who didn’t have hollow bird bones and Maxim covershoots. Granted it’s still not a SHIMMER-level masterpiece, but the two women clubbered each other silly, didn’t rely on awkward ass-centric offense, and would be a welcome breath of fresh air on the main roster.

William Regal’s Fascinating Maxine Fact of the Week: The black sheep of the family is an unsavory bishop from the Isle of Bute. He owns a combined trifold factory in Nacker’s Yard (note: I may have misheard him here) and, in his spare time, he likes to take unsavory pictures of Shetland ponies.

William Regal Name Check’s Curtis Mayfield: If he were any more awesome, the sight of him would cause my head to explode.

WWE Superstars (11/3/11) (Watch it on YouTube)

Yoshi Tatsu vs. Tyson Kidd: These two have had the best in-ring feud of 2011, but nobody cares because it’s been on NXT and was over an action figure. Here, on Superstars, they’re fighting because of some tweets the two exchanged, which is better than an action figure, but still stupid and something I’m not going to bother looking for. This was, without question, the match of the week. In a fair universe, Yoshi and Tyson would get to open Survivor Series, but this isn’t 1995, and that time will likely go to the Michael Cole Challenge. Do yourself a favor and put on WWE Superstars this week. It’s only 40 minutes, and 15 of them are spent wonderfully.

Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison: Two guys struggling to find their footing on the main roster having a very good match on a webshow nobody watches? Must be WWE Superstars. Personally, I think the reports of Morrison’s pending WWE departure are premature, as the WWE usually keeps guys around who they can merchandise and market based on their uniqueness, and while his leaving for TNA wouldn’t hurt them one bit, the kids who like Morrison and the people who think he makes a compelling, likable underdog would probably notice his absence. His losing to Drew McIntyre, official WWE Superstars punching bag, doesn’t make things look too promising, but again, were he on his way out, I highly doubt they’d help him by putting together such an effective highlight reel of the skills he brings to the table.

WWE SmackDown! (11/4/11) (Watch it on YouTube)

Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton: Strange, opening WWE SmackDown! with an unadvertised street fight to cap off the feud between Cody Rhodes and Randy Orton, but they did so, and it was good. Fast-paced and intelligently put together, the two beat each other up for around twenty minutes until Cody started using his mask as a weapon, including a sick-sounding shot while Orton was tied up in a figure four leglock. They finally found a way to make Orton’s rope-drape DDT look dangerous and not contrived, and, again, Cody Rhodes makes a strong case for pushing him up the card. In the end, though, Orton won cleanly with an RKO and bagged Cody, cashing in his receipt from a few weeks ago. I’d put this moment and Booker T saying that the sky’s the limit for, of all people, Randy Orton down as a Questionable Decision of the Week, but those slight imperfections don’t mar an otherwise very enjoyable match.

Ted DiBiase vs. Tyson Kidd: Three Tyson Kidd matches this week? I’d say that WWE spoils me, but Kidd lost all three, and I had to hear endless yammering about the stupid DiBiase Posse. Still, this one’s worth it for the finish, where Kidd tries his damnedest to get out of the Million Dollar Dream, but just can’t. Short match, good finish.

Mark Henry Confronts Daniel Bryan Backstage: This was awesome in about 6,000 ways. Henry was great, Daniel Bryan should be getting matches like this, and it’s the first time I think I’ve seen Henry stand toe to toe with a normal-sized human being, which made his size even more impressive.

Daniel Bryan Beard Tracker: Mark Henry may not sweat Daniel Bryan, but his beard does.

Alicia Fox vs. Natalya: Not worth watching for the match, which was good in the way watching a really talented wrestler physically dissect a lesser opponent is good. This match is really only worth watching for the following exchange:

Natalya: (Setting up for the Boston Crab) You stuck your nose in the wrong person’s business!
Alicia Fox: (Should be struggling to get out of Boston Crab; yelling) Your nose is bigger than my nose!
Natalya: (Ignores; applies Boston Crab)

If there were any justice in the world, the referee would have been radioed to change the finish to a Natalya win, but Alicia Fox, whose face gimmick appears to be firing Derek Zoolander level retorts back at her opponent, beat Nattie with a somersault leg drop, which, according to Booker T, looks kind of like his scissors kick (it doesn’t).

Wade Barrett vs. Sheamus: After a pretty good Big Show/Christian angle that saw Christian get chokeslammed, Wade Barrett decided to take Christian’s place in his scheduled match against Sheamus, giving us a much-needed breather from Sheamus beating the tar out of poor Christian. The end result was two big dudes clubbering each other, which is exactly what I want to see out of two big dudes. Entertaining big man match, indicative of tremendous improvement on the part of both Barrett, who no longer looks as green as he did upon his main roster debut, and Sheamus, who is finally settled in to his role as world’s least likely face.

Sin Cara vs. Epico: On the surface, this is just a jobber squash match, but, in the grand tradition of jobber squashes that are more important than they look, Hunico (the former Sin Cara imposter) came down to the ring looking like a skinny version of 1998 Konnan and attacked Sin Cara. Then the two attacked Sin Cara together. Epico and Hunico are a tag team in WWE’s developmental league, Florida Championship Wrestling, and Epico’s debut on SmackDown not only adds a wrinkle in the now kind of stalled Sin Cara/Hunico feud, but gives the company another viable tag team to make some hay with while Air Boom sit on the shelf. Also of note: No botches on Sin Cara’s part. Dude is moving on up.

Daniel Bryan vs. Mark Henry: Was awesome in 6,000 ways, not the least of which was that Daniel Bryan, at several points in time, looked capable of beating Mark Henry. At the end of the match, when Henry was content to just destroy poor ‘ol D-Bry, Big Show waltzed into the ring and nailed Henry with a knockout punch (which I refuse to call the Weapon of Mass Destruction). Henry got the DQ win, then Big Show encouraged Bryan to cash in his briefcase…which he almost did. It was one of those moments where you really want something to happen (even if it’d be better if Bryan cashed it in at Wrestlemania), but the alternative, where Bryan got smashed with a World’s Strongest Slam, was just as good, since it’s no skin off Bryan’s back and further establishes Henry as a guy you have a very limited window of opportunity against. Show and Henry will collide again at Survivor Series, in a match that should end cleanly, but now that the Money in the Bank contract is back in play, I look forward to seeing where Daniel Bryan goes from here.

Questionable Decision of the Week: Other than Rhodes and Natalya losing matches they should probably have taken, none. Very solid episode of SmackDown!, as usual.

November 6, 2011