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Colette Arrand

Colette Arrand

SPECIAL ATTRACTION: Troll 2 (1990)

September 7, 2011 by Colette Arrand 4 Comments

I’ve got a theory about Troll 2 that goes beyond its being a quick cash-in sequel to a horror movie that never got made. Any yokel with a dial-up modem can tell you about the film’s special effects, its acting, its camera angles, but I’ve got the facts, man–the real reason Troll 2 was made and why basement-dwelling nerds like myself continue to stream it instantly over Netflix, knowing full well that nothing good will come of it: Troll 2 is the world’s first and only pro-meat horror film.

Think about this for a second. Most horror films, at least back when horror films mattered, came with a moral to smooth out the violence. Sleepaway Camp, for example, would have you not bullying people because of their looks, Friday the 13th warns against the dangers of child negligence by insinuating that the child you let drown today could be the undead, machete-wielding manbaby of tomorrow, and A Nightmare on Elm Street is as anti-vigilante as the Gotham City Police Department around quarterly evaluations. Not that there are a ton of horror films made about 1) the environment or 2) the horrors of eating meat (maybe the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and other cannibal-centric films), but Troll 2 nevertheless makes its stand on the issue: Meat good. Veggies bad.

The story, for those of you unfamiliar with Troll 2’s haphazard near-brilliance, is this: Two families, one from the city and one from the middle of nowhere, agree to swap houses so they can experience each other’s life. The youngest of the city folk can speak to his recently deceased grandfather, and like guests of Lando Calrissian, the pair have a bad feeling about rural hospitality. They arrive to a giant banquet, cooked up by the slack-jawed, grumbly locals, only for the grandfather and the little boy to deduce that the food, if eaten, will turn the eater into a tree, trees being the chief sustenance of trolls goblins.

So the little boy is tasked with saving his family from the “delicious” looking food, which is a weird variety of cakes and porridges and other assorted green things. Meanwhile, on the other side of the town of Nilbog (one of the great horror movie town names), an RV of horny teens unaware of the situation are waiting to be made into plant food. They’re easily seduced by a witch, who offers them food and sex, pretty much at the same time.

This, naturally, leads to popcorn.

The truth of the matter is that there’s a pretty decent movie lurking behind Troll 2’s low budget awfulness, and this is the kind of movie that hypothetically begs to be remade: There are enough fans of Troll 2 who’d see a remake that a (small) audience is built in, and the people who come to it blind might go off and watch the original on Netflix, where they’d pretty much get trolled. If Fright Night and every other horror movie ever made can get the remake treatment, I don’t see why, in 2013 or so, I can’t go to a movie theatre and expect a father to ground his son for literally pissing on hospitality.

Yes, there’s some real potential in food horror, particularly in an America where half the people in it are obese and at-risk for diabetes. You make the city folk a troupe of fast food munching, soda slurping suburban slugs and the yokels a group of Eric Northman level hunks, and I’d say you’ve got something. It’d be a weird dichotomy, I suppose, because the hunky rural folk are trying to get the fat slobs to eat their vegetables, but that’s an easy fix: Make everything corn. Americans, myself included, already eat more corn than what’s logical, and there’s an obvious tie in to high fructose corn syrup.

“Gross!” the little boy would say. “I hate corn!”

“Aww,” his father responds, “it’s not that bad. Corn is good for you!”

Meanwhile, in the RV, the witch and the horndog are making popcorn (woe to the screenwriter who leaves that scene out), and the goblins of Nilbog gather around their giant campfire to make a roasted ear of human/corn. Heck, I’m getting shivers just picturing the kid breaking into the witches house, pealing back the leaf and revealing a desiccated, unnaturally yellow teenager. Hospitality’s not the only thing he’ll be pissing on.

As for the reason I’d play this in my hypothetical rep theatre, just check out the above clip: Troll 2 has everything I want from a bad movie–poor acting, unintentionally great lines and a ridiculous plot. Oh sure, people would come just to laugh at Troll 2, and that’s fine. But Troll 2, in its way, is laughing at them: eating popcorn, drinking soda, sex-obsessed and sedentary. That’s just how the goblins want you.

Filed Under: Film Tagged With: Special Attraction, Troll 2

The Insane Clown Posse, Too, Are America

September 6, 2011 by Colette Arrand 3 Comments

That seems like a really obvious statement to make, considering that Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J hail from southwest Detroit, not all that far from the factory suburbia I grew up in, but hear me out. I’m not saying that I’m down with the clowns, or that you should like the shock-rapping, Faygo-spraying kings of Juggalo Island. What I’m suggesting, quite simply, is that it might be time to lay off of ICP, to stop being down on the clowns.

This is a new feeling for me, on that made me a little queasy a few weeks ago when I realized, to my surprise, that the Insane Clown Pose are, in fact, human beings in possession of a soul (or whatever it is that makes humans human). It wasn’t that long ago that I hated–HATED–them, made fun of them, ws bitter that we hailed from the same general geographical area and that they wasted my preferred cheap pop of choice.

Curiously, it was pro-wrestling that changed my mind. In June I went to Chikara’s A Demon in His Pocket, an independent show held in the empty corner of a flea market in Taylor, MI, which is exactly the kind of town you’d expect to hold a wrestling show in a flea market. During intermission, I nearly run into this little girl, Ruby, who later got to draw raffle tickets and had her name chanted by the crowd. I looked up from her, saw her father and apologized.

“No problem, ninja,” he said, calling his daughter over.

A big, bleached blonde dude saying that to me should have registered, but it didn’t. Maybe because he wasn’t wearing face paint or maybe because I would never expect to be in the same place as him, but I’d nearly stepped on Violent J’s daughter, and he was really nice about it. Later that night, some Juggalo-looking dude handed me his cell phone and asked me to take a picture of Violent J and him by the ring. I did so and it still didn’t register, this time maybe because the Juggalo was so polite in asking and Violent J was still just this big, bleached blonde guy whose daughter I almost crushed. I didn’t figure on his being there until a bunch of the wrestlers from that night’s show started retweeting Violent J’s short review of the night’s events:

The show was, as J said, “sweet ass” and “AMAZING Y’ALL,” but I felt a hollow pit in my stomach. It wasn’t that Violent J liked wrestling–I knew the ICP loved it and, to my chagrin, had managed to do stuff with WWF, WCW and ECW at a time when wrestling was at its hottest, even at one point sharing a dressing room with Steve Austin and the Undertaker at Madison Square Garden. It’s because that Chikara show was so good and so outside the realm of what I thought was ICP’s kind of wrestling that finding out otherwise was a deathblow to my ego.

Corporal Robinson: Typical Chikara fan.

With Violent J in attendance–with children–obeying Chikara’s rules as a PG show, I was forced to reevaluate my stance on them, and came to the conclusion that the ICP aren’t to be reviled or hated upon as people, even if Miracles was unintentionally hilarious and the rest of their discography is, well, terrible. I’m all for calling a spade a spade (unless you’re calling someone a spade in a racist way), but the critical community, or, at the very least, the self-appointed internet sheriffs who patrol the comment threads and message boards of the critical elite, have deemed Insane Clown Posse to be the worst sort of people possible, to the point that one slapped together joke single released last week has undone whatever critical reputation Jack White had previously amassed (“Have fun curating the Gathering [of the Juggalos,” one particularly awesome comment read. “That’s all that’s left for you”).

The Insane Clown Posse are living the American dream, and while I’m not the kind of guy who thinks that people detract others because they’re jealous of success, the level of vitriol surrounding the group certainly makes it seem that way. The candor of discourse in the ongoing debate is like a music criticism version of the current war between classes, where the rich point out the flaws of the poor, right to their face, and there’s nothing the poor can do about it because the only people who really care about them are other poor people. ICP aren’t poor (most of their fans aren’t well off, but that’s another issue), admittedly, but those are the roots they come from, and they’ve managed to build a small multi-media empire, including their music, their own independent wrestling promotion, a few movies, and a nationally infamous music festival, the Gathering of the Juggalos, where half the acts (Charlie Sheen! MC Hammer!) seem booked in a none-too-subtle attempt at trolling the non-Juggalo quotient of America. But ICP are the idiots here, so they’re shoveling cash at Charlie Sheen past his cultural sell-by date because they still think #WINNING! is a wonderful hashtag and another Major League sequel is a great thing.

But, since Miracles, the group has managed to become culturally relevant in a way they haven’t been since Columbine put the spotlight on violent music (an event which, while tragic, allowed the pair to troll Bill O’Reiley, who sounded like a total idiot when he said “these guys make some of the black rappers sound like Shirley Temple”) or their 90s heyday (they had a heyday, right?). Two sketches on Saturday Night Live (two good sketches), an internet meme, an annual music festival and a collaboration with Jack White that also got a ton of press are the sort of thing most people hating on ICP would sacrifice a goat for, but to Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, “Leck Mich Im Arsch” is just another day at the office. So go ahead and laugh, America; clowns are supposed to be funny.

Insane Clown Posse – Leck Mich Im Arsch by Third Man Records

Filed Under: Music Tagged With: Insane Clown Posse, Something Too Is America

Bryan Danielson vs. Kamala (9/30/06)

September 6, 2011 by Colette Arrand Leave a Comment

Where else but a high school gym would one expect Bryan Danielson, future WWE Superstar, to defend the highly respected ROH World Title against the man, the myth, Kamala? This is the secret hidden potential of independent wrestling: That some promoter will get the bright idea to toss together a legend and an indy darling for the viewing pleasure of the fifty or so people who paid to be there. This is the secret hidden potential of the internet: That a match like this somehow makes it onto YouTube, where an audience forty times that size can see it, too. As an added bonus, Liberty City Wrestling has no announcers, so not only does one get to hear Danielson yelling at Prince Nana for screwing with the pinfalls, but you get to hear the awkward fellow who has the distinction of being the only guy in the building who thinks that the American Dragon is overrated air his opinions in a public forum.

This is by no means a great match, and I don’t really know if you can call it good, in the strictest sense of the word. Danielson, as anybody who knows his work might guess, is what makes this match go. Not only does he sell Kamala’s gimmick better than anybody has in the past twenty or so years, but he keeps the match moving where other people in his shoes would have left a lot of dead air for Kamala’s grunting and stomach slapping routine. There’s also the issue of Prince Nana, who has one of the better gimmicks on the independent scene. He’s (legitimately) a Ghanian prince, so he uses the tax money he collects to hire wrestlers to be in his stable (The Embassy) and do his dirty work. I can’t tell if he’s hired Kamala to win the ROH Title for him or not, but he certainly doesn’t want Danielson pulling one over on the Ugandan Giant.

Speaking of Kamala, it’s almost heartwarming to see him still headhunting for his first World Title. 28 years after his debut. Kamala, obviously, is way past his prime, though he can do a lot more than you’d guess from the string of bookings he’s taken with WWE over the past few years. There’s a little bit of his old self in here, when Danielson is selling his gimmick and when the two are brawling around the spacious ringside area, but there’s little doubt that the ROH strap won’t be going with him to Uganda. That’s what I like most about this match–Kamala’s been hunting for a World Title so long, often in big territories, that it almost makes sense that he’d go after Danielson. Imagining Kamala winning and going against some of the best ROH had to offer at the time is also a wonderful thought. Picture him at their shows before belltime, trying to sell fans copies of his self-recorded album, The Best of Kamala: Volume 1 and tell me his being champion wouldn’t have ruled. Alas, the match ends in a schmozz, so the closest Kamala will ever get to the recognition he and Kim Chee so clearly deserved is this tremendous magazine cover, from 1987:

Oh well. If the World Title hunt doesn’t pan out, at least Kamala can fall back on his second love: Bowling.


Kamala vs. Doink the Clown

Filed Under: Wrestling Tagged With: Bryan Danielson, independent wrestling, Kamala, wrestling matches

Sgt. Slaughter vs. Pat Patterson (5/4/81)

September 5, 2011 by Colette Arrand Leave a Comment

Back when wrestling was viewed as legitimate sport, encounters like this “Alley Fight” match were a rare breed, pulled out only for feuds that had reached their limit, somehow. The steel cage match (or lumberjack match), for example, was brought into play when the heel had pushed the fans patience to the limit by running away from every possible confrontation with the face. The knock down, drag out, no disqualification slugfest here happened because the two men legitimately hated each other and, to this point, their hatred could not be contained by a mere one on one encounter. Slaughter and Patterson went at each other for so long that promising a resolution to their feud was enough to sell out Madison Square Garden in an era where really only two other men–Bob Backlund and Bruno Sammartino–were capable of doing the same.

The match itself is about as intentionally brutal as the WWE gets–just two guys wailing away at one another. Blood is spilled, shoes are used as weapons, and the fans absolutely eat up every move. This would be an interesting match to show to somebody who just got into wrestling, somebody who expects some sort of no holds barred contest every week on free television. Slaughter rubberlegging his way around the ring as Patterson clubs him with cowboy boots and big ‘ol fists might look goofier than, say, a dude getting whacked headlong with a steel chair, but there is no wasted motion here, not a single minute where I ask myself why two guys who supposedly hate each other so much are spending their time doing moves or setting up for their finisher. I love that this match has to be stopped by Slaughter’s manager (THE GRAND WIZARD!) by means of throwing in the towel, and love even more that Slaughter, battered and blind from the blood in his eyes, wants nothing more than to continue, even though all he’s capable of are slow haymakers.

If I remember correctly, this match was honored by more than a few prestigious wrestling journalists (I know, right?) as 1981’s match of the year. It’s not hard to see why. Each punch, each kick to the head, each move feels important, as if that’s the one that’ll either put Patterson over the top, or send the fans home angry. Patterson’s a genius in the ring, and when he retired he put that genius to use as a backstage agent, structuring other important matches and giving guys advice on how to work the WWE’s style. Chris Jericho credits him with saving his WWE career, and Patterson put together the 60-minute Iron Man match between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels that maybe doesn’t hold up as well as it did, but is near miraculous in that it both sent the crowd home happy and did so without pushing Michaels or Hart, who hated each other at the time, towards the exit and to WCW. A wrestling match like this is all about the small details, and Patterson’s a master of those. If it’s the job of a wrestler to put smiles on faces (I’m dubious to that notion, but that’s what they advertise), then by the end of this match it’s obvious that Pat Patterson knew that job to a science.

Filed Under: Wrestling Tagged With: Pat Patterson, Sgt. Slaughter, wrestling matches, WWE

Welcome to a Ghost Planet

September 5, 2011 by Colette Arrand Leave a Comment

Hello and welcome to Fear of a Ghost Planet, without question the only blog on the internet that saw the episode of Space Ghost Coast to Coast with Chuck D and thought, hey, that’d make one hell of a blog name! If you’ve come here looking for rants, reviews, and unpopular opinions on popular culture, you’re definitely in the right place. Myself, Caleb Lalinsky and Dante Villanova, refugees three from Careful With That Blog, Eugene, have a lot of things to say on subjects including (but not limited to) film, music and professional wrestling; from Suburban Commando to Hulk Hogan’s Wrestling Boot Band to the Wrestlemania III match between Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant.

The three of us have a serious passion for pop culture which, unfortunately, doesn’t get the press it deserves. Sure, Hollywood will gladly make money from a movie based on Batman, but any discussion of Batman outside of a movie theatre is most likely taking place in the mumbly tones common to comic book convention dwellers. And while wrestling fans exist and populate endless message boards, serious discussion of wrestling has just now started to move out of the pages of magazines most fans would be embarrassed to buy at CVS and to the forefront of social consciousness. We want to change that. Not that we think we’re better than your average fan, blog, or professional, but we at Fear of a Ghost Planet are tired of seeing the things we love (and, worse, the things we hate about the things we love) being dissected like a frog on a lab bench.  We’re fanboys, too, but we’re legitimate writers, and we’re going to treat the things we love in a way that, too often, isn’t done: with respect.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

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