Author: Colette Arrand

  • Movie Review: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

    Movie Review: The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

    The Texas Chain Saw Massacre 01

    essentialForty years later, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre shouldn’t be as powerful as it ultimately is. Tobe Hooper’s film is written in the bones of anybody who has even a slight appreciation for horror, and has been diminished by sequels and remakes and the continued recycling of its plot and scares. When I saw it recently at an anniversary screening, the audience spent much of their time laughing. Until Leatherface. With his hammer. With his mask. With his chainsaw. The plight of young adults looking to screw speaks to the young, I guess, but a man wearing another person’s skin over his face? That’s universal terror.

    The film is unsettling from the opening note of its score, which is set against the title card’s laughable claim that the young men and women who found their way into Leatherface’s clutches were enjoying an “idyllic summer” (because the idylls of youth are often spent wondering if your grandfather was dug up by a cult of art-maniacs and pissing into a bottle on the side of the freeway). The first shots are disorienting, a sequence of flashbulbs casting an intense, brief light on rotting meat. Human meat. A corpse in the awful Texas summer. There’s nothing right about the world here, and yet, for the kids assembled in that van, there’s nothing to do but move forward. The worst is always behind them until it’s right there, screaming and swinging his chainsaw.

    It’s never clear why Sally Hardesty (Marilyn Burns), her brother Franklin (Paul Partain), and their friends (Allen Danziger, William Vail, and Teri McMinn) decide to stay the night at the old Hardesty homestead. They’re out of gas (because of course they are) and the closest station won’t have any until morning, but the house they’re planning to sleep in is a husk (because of course it is) and their van is smeared with the blood of a lunatic hitchhiker, who slashed Franklin with a straight razor after terrifying everybody in the van by pulling faces and cutting open the palm of his hand. They can’t leave, but it doesn’t seem like they want to. Texas is gritty and hot, a miserable, sick place where people tailgate at the local cemetery, but the Hardestys can’t help where they are, nor what those places do to them.

    This is America, Hooper’s film argues, a brutal land that hides away its psychopaths in places where they can quietly maim the innocent. It’s an argument made more visceral by the conditions the film was shot under—brutal sixteen-hour days in excessive heat, with no pay up front. The sweat, exhaustion, exasperation, and terror is real. But the screening I attended would seem to suggest that these things no longer hold sway the way they did in 1974. The audience laughed at the crazed hitchhiker (Edwin Neal), Grandfather (John Dugan), Old Man (Jim Siedow) and Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen) in drag; twice—when the opening scene reveals the corpse art, and when the family has Sally over for dinner—a man raised a digital camera to his eye and took pictures of the screen. As The Texas Chain Saw Massacre was creating its grim spectacle from ramshackle houses and chicken bones, I found myself as agitated by the crowd watching the film as I was by the film being watched.

    The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is not a film that allows its audience to get comfortable for long, though. Leatherface’s murders are too brutal for that, deftly edited so that the shock of seeing a man get clubbed by a hammer quickly moves to the nausea of watching him twitch on the ground. Though its influence is unmistakable, few American slasher films work to this level. Its elements—the houses, the masks, the power tools, the fresh-faced victims—are endlessly transplanted, but are powerless when divorced from their original context. Its descendants play up the camp or the gore, gaze longingly at the bodies of those wandering into hell, or are completely undermined by the utter clarity of digital cinema. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre warns the audience that the events it is about to see are real, then presents those events through so many layers of grime and filth it’s hard to believe that anybody left the set unscathed. If the image of the family gathered around Sally at dinner seems ridiculous in 2014, the shots it is cut with—Sally’s eye in extreme close-up, widened and darting around the room for a means of escape—cast that image as real; the eye screams though she doesn’t. Her eye screams even if we refuse to scream along with it.

    Finally, we are left with Leatherface, dancing with his chainsaw in the morning sun. Are there many horror films that do their gristly work in the daylight? Or with such unsettling beauty? Made on a paltry budget with limited physical resources, Hooper and cinematographer Daniel Pearl subtly shift gears from the docu-realism of the graveyard scenes to the grotesque tableau of Leatherface’s murders so that it all feels unmistakably real, even when a man in a bad latex mask is feebly trying to live up to his reputation as the best killer at the old slaughterhouse. Far from operating under the pretense that a good murder or two is all that it needs to be memorable, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre revels in a miasma of sick, miserable images. It takes a prism to our world and twists it something awful, but manages, even in its darkest corners, to delight and disgust the viewer, often in the same frame.


    The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  With Marilyn Burns (Sally Hardesty), Paul A. Partain (Franklin Hardesty), Allen Danziger (Jerry), William Vail (Kirk), Teri McMinn (Pam), Edwin Neal (Hitchhiker), Jim Siedow (Old Man), and Gunnar Hansen (Leatherface). Directed by Tobe Hooper, from a screenplay by Hooper and Kim Henkel.

  • Ghost Culture Forever

    Ghost Culture Forever

    Fear of a Ghost Planet

    When I launched Fear of a Ghost Planet in 2011, I did so hoping to provide a better platform for myself and some of my very talented friends. This website’s fourth anniversary is coming up soon, and, having done the sort of reflection one does when their project is dark for most of the year, I came to the realization that I had only half accomplished my goal. Though there haven’t been many posts this year, Fear of a Ghost Planet has been tremendously beneficial for me as an author and critic, not so beneficial for anybody else. When the response to a Lance Thompson post about The Avengers is “Gee, Paul, your voice sure changed in that piece,” I know I’ve done something wrong as a webmaster.

    So before year for gets underway, I’ve made some changes to the way this website will work. First: From this point forward, I will be the only author posting reviews and essays. While Lance, Dante Villanova, Aaron Weiss, Jason Teal, and all the rest did good work, my failure to properly promote and utilize it has never gone unnoticed by me. I shouldn’t get hits to this site that I haven’t earned in one way or another, so all previous work not by me has been tucked away into the attic; there but not there. If you came here as a result of a Google image search for Game of Thrones and can’t believe that somebody doesn’t like the show, take heart: I’m not a fan, either.

    In addition, I’ve given the site a slight makeover. Scott Stripling, an Athens-area artist, designed the new header, which looks fantastic. He also designed the icons for a new ratings scale, which will make its debut this week. Going back to 2011, the Big Lebowski-inspired ratings scale was the only thing I kept from Careful with that Blog, Eugene. The market for film blogging was (and still is) very crowded, and I wanted to stand apart from the crowd. It worked, but it also worked against me. When Roger Ebert linked to my review of Funny People in 2009, folks who were used to thumbs and stars found a review that concluded by decreeing the film “Far Fucking Out.” Beyond a temporary spike in traffic, a link that might have been a big break has instead become an anecdote, That one time, etc. When I launched this site, I wanted something new and professional—I was selling out, after all!—but I had nothing and knew nobody, so I took the swearing out of the Lebowski scale and hoped that would make a difference. It was what it was. Now I have something else.

    Though I internally debate the value of a strict system of stars, they’re an easy enough shorthand as a recommendation engine, so I’m keeping it. Four stars, as tradition, represented by a series of ghosts and half ghosts. Inspired by The Dissolve and, I suppose, Pitchfork, the things that I will obnoxiously recommend to my friends in realspace will be awarded the ghostly Essential trophy. When I think something is Essential, you’ll know: The trophy will lead the review.

    Finally, there is the issue of posting. Return posts like this are fairly common in the world of one-person blogs, and they are frequently followed by the long silences that preceded it. That will not be the case here. While I continue to push out further into the world of online writing (beyond the two Tumblrs linked in the sidebar, I’ve been blogging about pro-wrestling fashion trends and will soon launch a vegan food blog), Fear of a Ghost Planet has been my home and will continue to serve in that capacity. I’ve tried to set rigorous schedules for myself in the past, but that hasn’t always worked. For the time being, all I’ll say is that I will publish new reviews and essays at least twice a week, then let whatever happens happen. The first post, a review of the 40th anniversary print of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, will be up tomorrow. Thank you all for continuing to check this site out, even in its quiet phases. Y’all are my Dwayne, my The Rock, and my Johnson.

  • Wrestling Review: WWE Raw (10/22/14)

    Wrestling Review: WWE Raw (10/22/14)

     

    Hulk Hogan Brock Lesnar

    Last night, I watched wrestling. This is admittedly nothing new. Since the advent of the WWE Network, I watch wrestling every day, sometimes for hours. I’m writing a book of poetry about wrestling, I run a few Tumblrs about wrestling—it all comes with the territory. But last night I watched Raw, which I haven’t gotten a chance to do much this summer because the work that I’ve done this summer and the reason I do it often leaves me scrambling to bask in the warm glow of nostalgia. Though I can’t imagine a scenario where my friends and I don’t gather in my new house to watch the WWE Network’s less-than-stellar stream of Summerslam this Sunday, anything going on right now serves as a less-than-welcome reminder that soon enough I’ll be sitting down in front of a computer to listen to the rich talk about the problems inherent with having only a million dollars put away in an IRA. But it’s Hulk Hogan’s birthday, and even though The Hulkster now exists largely to talk about the virtues of the WWE Network (which, at 700,000 subscribers paying $9.99 a month to watch video footage Vince McMahon acquired for pennies on the dollar, is somehow considered a failure because the world of business has rules as made up, impenetrable, stupid, and fake as professional wrestling), I love the big orange bastard and always will. True fact: I went to WrestleMania XXX this year mostly because I wanted to see a 60 year old man rip his shirt off and flex his ancient muscles. When he messed up and called the Superdome the Silverdome (where he body slammed Andre the Giant some 27 WretleManias earlier), I was the only person in the arena not booing, because that was my WrestleMania, brother. The one in Detroit. The one that set the records. The Greatest Night In the History of Our Sport.

    I had to get through three hours of Raw for Hulk Hogan’s birthday celebration, which, frankly, is insane. Exactly zero things on television this side of a holiday marathon of The Twilight Zone should last three hours, but that’s exactly what Raw does: It lasts. It staggers. It lurches. It finishes, out of breath and somehow overtime, maneuvering its various pieces around in an effort to hide the fact that nothing is happening. The recurring theme of an episode of Raw these days is the price point of the WWE Network, where, oddly, you can’t watch Raw, because even though Vince McMahon has cast his lot with the future, he still finds his business shackled to the mediums of the past. 700,000 is, to me, an impressive number of human beings who are willing to pay for access to a staggering number of frankly mediocre wrestling shows, but the last I checked, the average episode of Raw manages to pull in 3,000,000, and they sit through ads for things like Juicy Drop Pops and Sonic Chili Cheese Dogs. They’ll sit through the not-infrequent advertisements that air during an episode of Raw, too, where the comedic wrestlers on the show shill food or beverage in a way that makes me wish I couldn’t ingest things. But I can, and I do. Often during wrestling. Tonight, it was curry. Sunday, when my $9.99 will allow me to watch Summerslam? Who knows? Summerslam was the focus of tonight’s episode of Raw, as all of the men and women who will have matches on the show did their bit to advance their storyline to the point where that match would take on some semblance of meaning. Some of the matches on Summerslam, you can tell, are just there to eat the clock. While I know a lot of people are looking forward to Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins, and while I suppose it makes a certain amount of sense that a feud based on one man’s quest to hunt down another who keeps running away would come to a head in a lumberjack match—that’s a match where the ring is surrounded by the wrestlers who will not be wrestling that evening—Ambrose and Rollins work much better when they have the arena as their playground. Similarly, an old-school Russia vs. USA Flag Match—the winner is the man who retrieves his flag from a pole that rises high above the ring—seems like a fun idea, but the WWE writer’s room stopped having interesting-if-poorly-informed things to say about the current political situation in Russia a few months ago, and Tea Party Patriot cum hirsute manager Zeb Coulter (picture Yosemite Sam on a fly fishing trip) constantly making reference to Rocky and Bullwinkle isn’t going to make Rocky IV feel any fresher in 2014.

    Paul Heyman Brock Lesnar

    But WWE can do a remarkable job of promoting a big match, and that is the axis upon which Summerslam revolves, the WWE World Heavyweight Championship clash between 15-time champion John Cena and unleashed Kraken Brock Lesnar. I like John Cena. I really like John Cena. I think the first John Cena match I saw was against Rob Van Dam at a WWE-produced revival of Extreme Championship Wrestling, a 90s entity that is responsible for revolutionizing wrestling in a number of ways large and small, one of which was to turn every professional wrestling fan over the age of 25 into an overly-entitled rage monster. I wasn’t watching wrestling much in 2006, but I remembered and liked ECW, so I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings in Taylor, Michigan to watch the somewhat local ECW legend Van Dam (from Battle Creek, MI) finally ascend to the WWE Championship (something I’d “borrowed” my mom’s credit card a few times to see in 2001, though Van Dam never clinched the title). ECW One Night Stand took place in the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City, which was a major hotbed for the organization when it was a real thing and not a marketing tool, and which remains a magnet for large independent wrestling events to this day. When John Cena’s music hit, 2,460 adult human beings really got on John Cena’s case for daring to be a professional wrester. He wore jean shorts, sneakers, and useless sweatbands, sure, but watching Cena go to work in that environment, 2,460 human adults chanting things like “Cena swallows” (a “hardcore” addendum to the time-tested chant of “Cena sucks”), I was won over by him immediately. By the time the people in the Buffalo Wild Wings, several thousand miles from New York City, started joining in on the chants emanating from the Hammerstein Ballroom, I knew I had a new favorite wrestler.

    John Cena ECW One Night Stand

    And so it’s been for me since then, which is a decision that’s treated me well. I’m into wrestling for the wrestling matches these days, and more often than not, on big shows, against big opponents, John Cena has one hell of a match. My favorite John Cena match in the past few years was the one that he had against Brock Lesnar at Extreme Rules in 2012, a stupidly named and often poorly booked show of “hardcore” matches that exists as a way to get a few thousand extra orders on a show that isn’t WrestleMania or Summerslam and that should go away post-haste, since the WWE Network exists, and, for $9.99, I’d watch WWE Singles Match if that’s what they wanted to call the damn thing. Cena vs. Lesnar had happened before, when John Cena was new and Brock Lesnar was thinking about quitting wrestling to try out for the National Football League, but I wasn’t watching and neither man was the symbol they’d become by the time 2012 brought Lesnar back to the world of fake fighting. Cena was the face of the WWE. Lesnar had gone legit, capturing the UFC Heavyweight Championship and maneuvering that sport towards an atmosphere that looked and sounded a lot like WWE, just without the benefit of goosed narratives. Diverticulitis took Lesnar out of the UFC, and a gigantic contract brought him back to a limited schedule of dates for the WWE. Now he functions much like Godzilla: When a major event comes around, he surfaces, wrecks a bunch of stuff, and leaves. He is the closest thing we have on this planet to a legitimate movie monster, and he is a glorious thing to behold. I love John Cena, but I want to see Brock Lesnar break him in half. I want him to make it look easy, like he’s hanging out on his ranch, shooting rifles with his brother, and eating a pile of terrible submarine sandwiches. Because John Cena is at his absolute best against guys like Lesnar, who are so good at the work they’ve been put here to do that they hate that work and the people who’d pay to witness it. Cena is great when he has to work for something, and ridding the WWE of the guy who crushed The Undertaker at WrestleMania, whose 21-0 streak going into WrestleMania XXX was the only thing in wrestling that could be said to mean more than any given title, is the only something left.

    This episode of Raw presented something of a debate between Lesnar—represented by his advocate, Paul Heyman—and Cena; two extended interview segments that were both quite good. Heyman rapped, which, when you’re a 48-year-old man who was once prominently billed as “The Psycho Yuppie,” sounds more like Dr. Seuss than N.W.A., and Cena spoke largely about passion, how he has it, and how Lesnar’s lack of it means that he doesn’t deserve the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Heyman hit his peak a few weeks ago when he brought Lesnar out as the man who would conquer John Cena’s 15th reign as champion and has been coasting a bit since—making fun of Cena’s origins as the horrible white rapper from the mean streets of West Newbury has been a thing since Cena was that character—but that’s kind of the point. He’s the dude standing behind King Kong. He doesn’t need to try very hard, because even a subpar effort from Paul Heyman on the microphone is museum quality compared to anybody else in the game.

    This was made painfully obvious by the evening’s other large piece of non-physical storytelling, the ongoing saga of Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon. An offshoot of last summer’s program that saw the rise of bearded populist hero Daniel Bryan in the face of a heartless corporate power structure that didn’t get why arenas across the country were making a big deal out of a guy they’d branded “goat face,” Bryan’s triumph at WrestleMania XXX (he beat Triple H, the head of the Authority, and then defeated Randy Orton and Batista to become the WWE World Heavyweight Champion) quickly turned sour, as his father died and he suffered a severe neck injury. This has caused him to relinquish the championship and largely disappear from television as he rehabs en route to an eventual return. Since, they’ve shunted the Bryan vs. Authority storyline to Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon, the wives (in reality and in wrestling) of Bryan and Triple H.

    Stephanie McMahon Brie Bella

    Sometimes, when Stephanie McMahon is leading Brie through segments, everything is fine. Stephanie McMahon has grown considerably as a character over the past 15 years of her being in the spotlight, and is perhaps the second best Evil Boss character in the history of the medium, behind only her father. Brie Bella…is not good at talking. That’d be fine in a reality television show, where she actually thrives, but in a storyline that requires her to garner sympathy from an arena full of angry dudes, it’s going to take more than blackmailing the boss and calling her a bitch every week to get people invested. So this week, Stephanie brought out Daniel Bryan’s personal trainer, who awkwardly admitted to having an affair with the former champion, Brie’s husband, etc. This was, I guess, supposed to embarrass Brie Bella, but the segment was mostly terrible because, for starters, the woman playing the physical therapist was an atrocious actor even by wrestling standards. McMahon intimating Bryan’s cries “Yes! Yes! Yes!” in a tone suggesting the fake pornographic moans of an Herbal Essences commercial was funny, and I guess it makes sense that a heel would resort to slutshaming (the poor physical therapist is there in the corner watching McMahon imitate her during sex) in an effort to make the live fans cheer for Brie, but I checked out on this angle around the time McMahon was thrown into a gigantic kiddie pool of human waste, and whatever loyalty I have to Daniel Bryan doesn’t automatically transfer over to his spouse, because that isn’t how well-developed characters are created. Still, McMahon vs. Bella is the second most important match on the second most important show on the WWE calendar, and the crowd absolutely eats it up whenever the two get into a physical confrontation. There’s probably something to be said about the fact that these confrontations have been built around the signature moves of their husbands, but I’m not swimming through the kiddie pool of human waste to retrieve it. Therein you’ll probably also find a salient point about the biggest insult hurled by McMahon or Bella, beyond “bitch,” is the insinuation that Brie Bella is not good at sexually satisfying Daniel Bryan, which is, I guess, the job you sign up for when you get married.

    Finally, Brock Lesnar crashed Hulk Hogan’s birthday party, because of course he did. “Party’s over, grandpa,” he said, leering like the villain of an 80s film. Brock Lesnar is there to beat up the collective childhoods of everybody in that arena—beyond Hogan, the ring had filled with Roddy Piper, Ric Flair, the nWo of Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, “Mean” Gene Okerlund, Jimmy Hart, and “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff. John Cena saved the day, because of course he did, but that doesn’t matter much. Nothing happened between he and Lesnar, because that can wait until Sunday, until Summerslam, until you’ve given up $9.99 for it and the rest of the card. Before those two had their final confrontation, and before all of the old-timers came out and Scott Hall had a bit of fun running through his old nWo catchphrases and Hogan ripped off his red and yellow Hulkamania shirt to reveal the black and white New World Order shirt beneath, Gene Okerlund directed Hogan’s attention to the video screen, where a legitimately touching tribute to Hogan played. It was set to Bob Dylan’s “Forever Young.” Hulk Hogan is 61 now, and while he can come out and run through the catchphrases and rip his shirt off and do the same bodybuilding poses I saw as a four-year old, he’s never going to wrestle again. Time has officially caught up to Hulk Hogan, and seeing clips of him dropping leg after leg to Dylan was strange at first, somehow dissonant to what Hogan was, until it hit me that, well, it kind of fit. The Ultimate Warrior died this year. Randy Savage died in 2011.”When you turn 61-years-young,” Hogan said, bringing down the energy after mustering a bit of that vintage Hogan hype, “you start to reflect back on a few things.”

    Hulk Hogan nWo

    Nothing Hogan could say on a night that ended with him cutting into a birthday cake festooned with candles spelling out “9.99” was going to reach the zenith of what turned out to be the final public appearance of The Ultimate Warrior, but last night, The Immortal Hulk Hogan pondered his mortality. And while the footage of his staring down Brock Lesnar will likely be replayed over and over for the next year, if not longer, the fact that there was no physical altercation between the two—not even Lesnar shoving Hogan to the mat, which would have blown the roof off of the building—speaks volumes about what Hulk Hogan is capable of in 2014. Hulkamania may be willing, brother, but all the training, prayers, and vitamins in the world can’t stop time. Beyond a paycheck, this is why someone like Hulk Hogan might be interested in forking over $9.99 for the WWE Network. Not for Summerslam, which will be there regardless, but because he’ll be dropping legs and shredding t-shirts on it forever, immortal, as promised. For a wrestler—for the wrestler—that’s not a bad legacy.

    Results:

    • Paul Heyman addressed Brock Lesnar’s upcoming match against John Cena by “rapping.” Since he did so without a beat, one could even say he freestyled.
    • Roman Reigns def. RybAxel (Ryback and Curtis Axel) via disqualification.
    • Bray Wyatt and Chris Jericho had a face-to-face confrontation that was lifted entirely from The Silence of the Lambs.
    • Seth Rollins def. Rob Van Dam via pinfall. After the match, Dean Ambrose emerged from a giant gift box to attack Rollins, who ran away through the crowd.
    • Stephanie McMahon interviewed Daniel Bryan’s physical therapist, who admitted to having an affair with Bryan. This led Bryan’s wife, Brie Bella, to slap the therapist and attack McMahon, putting her in Bryan’s signature finishing maneuver, the Yes! Lock.
    • Jack Swagger def. Cesaro via submission. He then stared down Rusev, their inactivity a metaphor for the Cold War.
    • Eva Marie def. WWE Diva’s Champion AJ Lee by pinfall due to a distraction by Paige, who then read a terrible poem to mock her “frienemy,” which is an awful word to hear a trio of middle-aged men repeat seven or eight times in six minutes.
    • John Cena called out Brock Lesnar, who did not respond.
    • Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon did not occur, as Brie Bella was arrested for assaulting Daniel Bryan’s physical therapist.
    • Heath Slater def. Dolph Ziggler via count-out, as The Miz was distracting Ziggler from the announce table.
    • Randy Orton def. WWE United States Champion Sheamus by pinball.
    • Hulk Hogan’s birthday party was interrupted by Brock Lesnar. The assembled old folks there to celebrate Hogan’s 61 years of Hulkamania running wild were saved from a beating by John Cena. Rather than fight, Lesnar ditched the ring, saving the inevitable clash for this Sunday’s Summerslam.

    Rating: far out

    For no reason other than that they played him down to the ring to it last night, be sure to listen to Paul Orndorff’s brilliant theme song:

  • Movie Review: G.B.F. (2013)

    Movie Review: G.B.F. (2013)

    GBF

    First, I’d like to acknowledge that the mere existence of a movie like G.B.F. is a good thing. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t looking hard enough (or at all) as a teenager, but there haven’t been many gay high school romantic comedies created for a mainstream audience. They existed at the fringes of culture, no doubt, but not to someone whose key to the world of cinema was a Blockbuster Video membership card. Even as the genre has progressed and films are more accessible due to the rise of Netflix and VOD, the LGBT community has mostly sat this one out: for various reasons, lesbians, bisexual men and women, and trans men and women (not to mention folks all across the spectrum) have largely been erased from popular culture (when a show like Orange Is the New Black is a success, this is the exception), and gay men are mostly there as sidekicks, ready to roll their eyes at a moment’s notice. We live in a supposedly post-everything society, and this is still how culture presents people outside the margins.

    So it’s good, then, that G.B.F. exists, and that it opens on a group of friends comprised thusly: two gay men, one queer woman, one straight man of color. This is not the way characters in this genre are grouped. This may be the first group in so heavily and innocuously queered. This is vital because representation is vital, and because, too often, marginalized groups aren’t represented at all. And this is cinema we’re talking about. Gay, liberal cinema. It’s important to have a gay romantic comedy because But I’m A Cheerleader came out in 1999. Because Glee is one television show, and one is nothing. Because it’s nice to have a film that doesn’t begin, climax, or end in tragedy. G.B.F. wastes no time at all in letting you know that things are different. The opening credits feature a panda vomiting rainbows. This, the panda roars, spewing hues of pride across page after page of a high school yearbook, is gonna be gay. Only instead, this is just another bad high school comedy. This one just happens to sting a bit more.

    It’s not enough, I think, for a movie to have good intentions. When I first heard about G.B.F., it was in the context of its MPAA rating, which is R, and how that rating might prevent some kid who needs a movie like this in their life from seeing it. This isn’t far outside the realm of possibility—the documentary This Film Is Not Yet Rated makes abundantly clear the kind of hell liberal censors put artists through; poor John Waters, after screening A Dirty Shame for the board, was told that, after awhile, they simply stopped counting the film’s infractions. While an R rating is hardly as damming now as it was before the internet made it possible to acquire everything regardless of entities like the MPAA, the R rating is the province of teen sex movies where sluggish miscreants get hammered with their mutant pals while trying to have sex with some object the dictionary calls “woman,” not that of the sweet-natured romance G.B.F. is marketed as. There’s a point to that, of course, but presuming G.B.F. was released with a PG-13 rating, it’d likely be the only one that drops a word like “jizzbin” as a casual means of describing one of its characters.

    GBF 2

    Not to act as the tone police or anything, but G.B.F. is surprisingly mean-spirited for what it’s meant to be, or, I suppose, what it could have been. In the history of North Gateway High School, there’s never been a publicly gay student. There’s a smattering of them, sure, all obviously gay (though nobody in the film can parse this, short of the parents back home) but none of them are out. When a teen rag reports that gay best friends are on trend, one of those students in the closet plans to come out, hoping to leverage that article into a role as sidekick to one of the three most popular girls in school. Tanner Daniels (Michael J. Willett) is this closet queen’s accomplice, an also-in-the-closet kid who’d rather read comic books and not get beaten up than climb to social ladder. But when a series of contrivances leads to the school’s Gay-Straight Alliance outing him (they need an actual, living gay person in the group for it to exist, or something), he becomes the first and gains all of the privilege and esteem and makeover montages that come with that designation.

    There are a number of topics here that are worth talking about, all of which are frequently glossed over in many discussions about gay rights. The pressure placed on an individual to come out, the sometimes detrimental actions of allies—heck, just growing up gay in a society that now “accepts” that—but G.B.F. has 90-minutes to play with and no interest in the details it uses to race to the finish of its cut-and-paste plot. Prom is coming up, after all, and to be its Queen, one of those three popular girls will have to play hag to the school’s lone fag. In a movie replete with stereotypes, these three can be labeled thusly: The “White” One, The “Mormon” One, and The “Black” One. You can assign these labels to all of the primary characters—The “Gay” One, The “GAY” One, The “Lesbian” One, The “Mormon” One Who Is in the Closet—without exaggerating how poorly the screenplay understands teenage culture; everybody is as fake as the Bucci sweaters they wear.

    There is some sweetness here—Megan Mullalley shows up as a mother who has been waiting for some time for her son to tell her that he’s gay—but it is largely wasted; everyone in G.B.F. is beautiful and the biggest consequence anybody has to face for racism, sexism, or homophobia is that they’re not invited to the cool kid prom…but then everybody is anyway, and the world keeps on spinning. A better script wouldn’t necessarily have made G.B.F. a good teen movie—the direction is much too flat, and none of the adult roles register much higher than celebrity cameo—but that’s the major sticking point here, that the “teenage voice” adopted here is curdled to the point of bitterness. The result is an awkward, gawky prom date who means well, but keeps saying the wrong thing. Loudly. If this is what a gay teen comedy looks, sounds, and acts, maybe the genre isn’t ready to come out of the closet.


    G.B.F. With Michael J. Willett (Tanner Daniels), Paul Iacono (Brent Van Camp), Sasha Pieterse (Fawcett Brooks), Xosha Roquemore (Caprice Winters), Andrea Bowen (‘Shley Osgoode), Evanna Lynch (McKenzie Pryce), Natasha Lyonne (Ms. Hogel), and Megan Mullally (Mrs. Van Camp). Directed by Darren Stein, from a screenplay by George Northy.

  • The Ultimate Warrior

    The Ultimate Warrior

    Ultimate Warrior

    I’ve been thinking a lot about The Ultimate Warrior lately. I’ve also been thinking a lot about the man, Warrior (or Jim Helwig, if you’re not into calling people by the names they choose to self-apply). I was at WretleMania XXX in New Orleans, and despite everything on the card being custom-designed to appeal to my lizard brain, there was no bigger reason for my being there than the promise that The Ultimate Warrior’s music would play, he would charge down to the ring in full gimmick—face paint and airbrushed duster—and shake the ropes a bit before once again disappearing into the recesses of my memory, where he exists in an odd liminal zone I’ll eventually come around to discussing. His music played, and what emerged was a middle-aged man in a tuxedo. I would have to wait until I was at home on Monday, watching Raw, to see The Ultimate Warrior. He shook the ropes a bit. He put on a plastic mask that approximated his famous warpaint (but wasn’t half as satisfying). He cut a promo about his legacy that, in all honesty, ranked among his absolute best even without its later context. He left the ring. He went home. He died.

    The Ultimate Warrior has always been in my life, even in the spaces that are filled in largely by old photographs or memories that may have actually been dreams. There’s a picture of my sister and I from one Christmas. I was four, I think, and she three. We’re tearing open our gifts. Mine is a WWF Brawling Buddy of Hulk Hogan. Her’s is The Ultimate Warrior. My mom would put us in a crib with these things, me an avid Hulkamaniac and wrestling lunatic even that young, her accepting the Warrior because he had make-up on his face and tassels on his arms, and we’d put on impromptu steel cage matches.The first wrestling event I can remember seeing is WrestleMania VI, The Ultimate Challenge, on a bootleg tape at my babysitter’s house. Warrior won the WWF Championship from Hulk Hogan that night and every weekend thereafter, until I learned that there was such a thing at new wrestling on TBS. But there was always the Warrior. Always his music, his sprinting, his paint, his tassels, his shaking the ropes. Forever.

    I was disappointed that Warrior—this is the man I’m talking about, now—didn’t appear at WrestleMania XXX in The Ultimate Warrior’s face paint because I’m petty, maybe, and because I expect nostalgia acts to play their part in my satisfaction. But Warrior wasn’t there for nostalgia’s sake. He was there to settle old scores. I don’t care about long-held grudges in wrestling and just don’t have much use for Warrior beyond nostalgia, so no number of DVD releases, tell-all interviews, or motivational speeches would have made up for his appearing at WrestleMania as Warrior, husband and father and inspiration, and not the character that allowed him to do this. Still, I found it hard to be too bitten by this—The Ultimate Warrior was always something of an enigma; unlike Hulk Hogan or Randy Savage or Bret Hart or Jake “The Snake” Roberts, he was a figure from the tapes I devoured who came and went as he pleased, too frequently for me to attach the role of childhood hero to. I wanted that face paint—I needed that face paint—because anything else was a reminder that The Ultimate Warrior was just a man, just Warrior, and Warrior wasn’t enough.

    Looking up to wrestlers as a kid, I think, taught me a valuable skill. It taught me to distinguish a human being from their work, the art from its artist. Most of my childhood heroes are dead now. One of them died having murdered his family. It isn’t easy, going back and watching these men work, knowing what I now know about the body, the brain, why it’s a bad idea to take a steel chair to one’s face. But this doesn’t stop me. It’s difficult art that I appreciate the most. Difficult artists, however, I can do without. Warrior, the man, was a difficult artist. I don’t mean that in the sense that I watched WWE’s hatchet-job DVD The Self-Destruction of The Ultimate Warrior and thought “Wow, this guy was an asshole.” I mean that he was a difficult artist in that he was a homophobe in an extremely public manner, taking money to give lectures about how “queering doesn’t make the world work,” and penning missives about how Heath Ledger’s child was better off without a father who’d stoop to playing a faggot cowboy in some Hollywood film with a queer liberal agenda. This from a man who, in 1989, participated in an angle where his opponent was rubbed down with oil in front of 15,000 men who were asked to vote, with their full-throated cheers, for the wrestler they believed to possess the better physique.

    I tend to cry when wrestlers die. At least the ones from my childhood. The ones who’ve always been there. The video package for “Macho Man” Randy Savage that played the Monday after his passing is the last thing that made me weep openly. The Chris Benoit tribute episode of Monday Night Raw, the one for Eddie Guerrero, the one for Owen Hart—each one had me inconsolable. With the exception of Benoit, whose transgressions became public during the course of the event held in his honor, I think what unified these men, what made their passing significant for me, was that I didn’t know them as human beings, but as something more than human. I knew them as wrestlers. The Ultimate Warrior I know as a wrestler. Warrior I know as a man. I’m able to separate the two, and, given Warrior’s attempt to launch a reality show where he yelled at swoop-haired nu-metal bands about not being in shape and enjoying alcohol too much to be “real men,” I can even appreciate what the lesser being had to offer. But Warrior was a man, a public figure who I knew through shoddy videos of him saying one thing or another that I didn’t merely disagree with, but that violated some part of me, or would have, could something like a viral video violate my autonomy as a queer man. The Ultimate Warrior exists in too many hours of archival footage to truly die. Warrior is dead, and it’s only a little weird because I was there, occupying the same space as him. I watched him at the Hall of Fame ceremony. I saw him at WrestleMania. I listened to him on Raw. He seemed fine, if a bit wounded. Then he simply wasn’t.

    This is fate, of course. As he said, every man’s heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breathe their final breath. And I owe the man, Warrior for being the man inside The Ultimate Warrior, who was no small part of my early infatuation with professional wrestling, which was the beginning of my infatuation with words. His words. Ric Flair’s words. Paul Bearer’s words. Randy Savage’s. Mine. When a wrestler dies, there is generally the temptation to burnish the legacy of the man who occupied that wrestler. This is something that I have been guilty of in the past, and will probably be guilty of in the future. But I’ve been thinking a lot about The Ultimate Warrior lately, and I find myself unable to do the same for him. Because I can’t think about the man too much. Because I won’t. So instead, I’ll think about wrestling. I’ll speak to it and of it and for it. Because there is nobody there to speak to. Because he wouldn’t listen were he there.

  • The Best Films of 2013 (With Reservations)

    The Best Films of 2013 (With Reservations)

    Depending on who you ask and when you ask them, 2013 was either one of the cinema’s best years, or one of its absolute worst. I didn’t find it to be either, exactly, but with my 2013 Guilt List standing at 92 films (including everything from Blue Is the Warmest Color to Escape Plan, as that’s how wide my definition of “guilt” goes when it comes to movies), my year unfortunately skewed more towards the apocalyptic wasteland of this summer’s comic book adaptations than, say, Her  or Inside Llewyn Davis, neither of which have played my new home in Athens, Georgia. So, rather than give a definitive list of the ten best films of the year, here’s 2013 in the movies I think will bear revisiting as the years pass, with apologies to the Guilt List and every comic book movie minus Thor. There are nineteen films on this list, with room for everything from deeply flawed Ryan Gosling vehicles to deeply flawed stabs at recognition from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. In alphabetical order, then:

    12 Years a Slave

    Dir. Steve McQueen

    twelve-years-a-slave08

    Roxane Gay wrote brilliantly about 12 Years a Slave and its being symptomatic of the Academy Awards’ preference for black films that feature suffering or otherwise subjugated protagonists. It may not offer anything new to a history of slavery films, but considering how furiously white America is working to reshape the nation’s history as something less brutal and more respectable than human bondage, that a black director has piloted an uncompromising adaptation of a slave’s memoirs to near-universal acclaim and major awards consideration is something of a miracle. Beyond politics, 12 Years a Slave is one of the most technically accomplished films of the year. McQueen and his regular cinematographer Sean Bobbitt have, against an unending wall of brutality, composed some of the year’s most beautiful—and most startlingly violent—scenes, and against a cast including Brad Pitt, Michael Fassbender, and Paul Giamatti, the work of Lupita Nyong’o as Patsey, a slave without Solomon Northup’s (Chiwitel Ejiofor) hope of rescue, is a revelation. The presence of Pitt as a Canadian who lectures Fassbender’s plantation owner on the cruelty of slave life consequence free—he isn’t even fired—goes a long way in proving Gay’s point; he holds court speaking with his Lt. Aldo Raine affectations and is Solomon’s eventual benevolent savior. The circumstances are wildly different here than in, say, The Blind Side or The Help, but 12 Years a Slave‘s final act hints that serious black narratives are being made for white audiences, who are more than willing to sit patiently through a few hours of torture and scourging so long as the payoff is uplifting.

    The Act of Killing

    Dir. Joshua Oppenheimer

    The Act of Killing

    Anwar Congo is what most would call a monster. During the anti-communist purge of 1965 and 1966, Congo was elevated from his station as a film-obsessed gangster to become head of one of the country’s most efficient killing squads. Congo is estimated to have personally murdered 1,000 dissidents, most of them by wire. The Act of Killing is a film about this man and his crimes, and its subject is only too happy to serve as its star, historian, and demonstrator. He has seen much death, but to watch him show the best technique for strangling a man, explaining that he wouldn’t wear white pants were the killing real, so as to not stain them, is to see a man completely unaware of his role in history. Oppenheimer (and his partner Christine Cynn; the two worked with an anonymous third director) works simultaneously to report on the largely untold consequences of American globalization while examining just how deep Congo’s unwillingness to confront the crimes of his past runs. Now a doddering old man, Oppenheimer allows Congo to live out his fantasies of being in one of the Hollywood movies he imagined himself starring in while leading his death squad. Initially thrilled with the chance to set himself up as a conquering hero, Congo retreats farther and farther into himself until he is asked to play one of his victims. Congo’s realization is the most startlingly honest sequence in any film this year, humanizing Oppenheimer’s villain in a way that only great films can, without letting the bastard off the hook for what he’s done. “I can really feel it,” Congo moans, trying to convince the director of his sincerity. If he can, it’s about forty years too late.

    Behind the Candelabra

    Dir. Steven Soderbergh

    Behind-the-Candelabra

    Despite the A-list actors and the man behind the camera, certain portions of Behind the Candelabra feel like the television movie it became. Given its subject, perhaps that is appropriate. It’s easy to look at Liberace as the living, breathing embodiment of gay camp, but to his fans—and to Liberace, to whom “camp” meant a disgusting tent pitched out somewhere in nature—his wardrobe, his car, his rings, and his candelabra were rewards earned for decades of hard work. For Liberace, the con he pulled was two-fold: convincing his fans he was a nice pianist who loved his mother, and convincing those same people that he wasn’t gay. Even before he died of AIDS-related health complications, it must have been obvious he was gay, but it seemed like for every tabloid that wanted to nail Liberace to the wall for who he slept with, there was some doddering old woman who believed he was just waiting for a girl as nice as he was to sweep him away. Steven Soderbergh’s biopic doesn’t really address the central fallacy of Liberace’s public life any more than it has to, which is fine: the one scene where a couple of gay men laugh at the straight folks in the crowd for failing to acknowledge Liberace as the flaming queen that he is was enough. In focusing on Liberace’s lover, Scott Thorson, Soderbergh has made a film about sexual identity and gay politics, using two of the biggest movie stars in the world to do so. In chronicling what is essentially a divorce case that took place before gay marriage was even conceivable, it functions as a better argument for gay rights than years of glossy propaganda produced by the Human Rights Campaign. If most mainstream films featuring gay couples seem intent on making those characters extranormal—Stepford Homosexuals, if you will—Behind the Candelabra does the gay community a solid in portraying its queer couple as real, troubled men: paunchy, balding, sweaty, paranoid, gross, inconsiderate, and often unfuckable. A lot of what I’ve read critically on Behind the Candelabra treats its eventual home on HBO as a slight on Soderbergh, Michael Douglas, and Matt Damon, and maybe it is if you wanted to see Douglas nominated for Best Supporting Actor at the Academy Awards. Studios, however, are at a loss when presented with gay stories. On cable television, that doesn’t really matter. Behind the Candelabra became an early year event and a shining beacon, something good, during the summer when new articles were going up daily about 2013 being one of the worst years for film in recent memory.

    Berberian Sound Studio

    Dir. Peter Strickland

    Berberian-Sound-Studio

    Buried in any number of algorithmicly-composed lists on your Netflix homepage, Berberian Sound Studio was the best horror film of 2013, shedding nary an ounce of blood while still perfectly evoking the squeamish delights of Italian giallo. Brought in as a sound engineer on the unseen film The Equestrian Vortex, Toby Jones is a squat, polite, hopelessly lost man who couldn’t see himself working on a horror picture until his two assistants began smashing watermelons for one of the film’s many gory moneyshots. Though we can’t see the film, Jones’ Guilderoy can and is tortured by it, its cast and crew, watching intently as he rips at the stalks of one vegetable to simulate the sounds of human hair being ripped from the scalp or smashes another to approximate ritual dismemberment. The film is mostly in Italian, furthering the disconnect between Guilderoy and his life back in England as his coworker’s apparent friendly ribbing turns hostile. Punctuated by the screams of its cast and held together by Broadcast’s intoxicating score, Berberian Sound Studio really only has one note, but it’s a note that is mashed with glee by a group of artists reveling in the frayed edges of filmmaking, both the process of creating a film and the off-kilter personalities of those responsible for that creation.

    Blackfish

    Dir. Gabriela Cowperthwaite

    Blackfish

    The best traditional documentary of the year, Blackfish did a better job of radicalizing me than most docs engineered for that purpose. Perhaps, having been raised on Free Willy and the promise of trips to see Shamu, I’m an easy mark for footage of a whale climbing up to its platform, where a gaping wound begins to pour blood. Maybe that makes me more willing to believe the oceanographer who says that whales dorsal fins flop over in captivity, that they live lifespans roughly equivalent to that of humans, and that each individual pod has something like an individual language, especially when the corporation responsible for the capture and lifelong subjugation of these and other animals has everything to gain from their self-mythology of happy whales in small pools. Though certainly guilty of returning to the well of embarrassing-in-retrospect SeaWorld commercials one too many times, director Gabriela Cowperthwaite has managed to craft an effective documentary of current events out of court depositions and talking heads, no mean feat considering the countless hours of television that’ve adopted and perfected the format. After establishing a kind of middle ground between exploitation portrayals of orcas as low-rent Jaws stand-ins and SeaWorld’s own representation of the animal as something cute, cuddly, and capable of crushing a bus full of doe-eyed children, Blackfish instead shows that what we think we know about the orca is largely guesswork, and that the end-result of that guesswork is that companies like SeaWorld have in captivity whales like Tilikum, who is responsible for the deaths of three people, two of whom were trainers. Because this is America, footage of one of these trainer’s deaths, Dawn Brancheau, is in the documentary. Perhaps because of this, Blackfish is the rare documentary that has produced more than anecdotal change since its release: gates are down at SeaWorld, many performers have canceled shows at the parks, and Disney reportedly changed the ending of its upcoming Finding Nemo sequel because maybe some fish wouldn’t choose to be held in captivity, were choice a factor.

    The Bling Ring

    Dir. Sofia Coppola

    The Bling Ring

    Though less likely to stir-up parental hysteria than an accidental viewing of Spring Breakers on Amazon Prime, Sofia Copella’s The Bling Ring chases after the same high. A group of loosely connected high school friends discover that major celebrities, perhaps believing the faux utopia they occupy is real, leave their opulent estates virtually unlocked. It isn’t the clothes they steal, the private parties they throw for themselves in these empty mansions, or the camaraderie of being in a group that drives these kids to burglary, but the fact that doing so puts them in the same sentence with Paris Hilton and Audrina Patridge. 2013 was thick with people moralizing over the rise of the selfie, and The Bling Ring is a film for that corner of the selfie-taking world that can’t put the camera down at a funeral or before a heist. Coppola’s screenplay leaves something to be desired, leaning heavily on a pastiche of character elements borrowed from high school comedies better equipped to handle the intricate details of teenage social life (though that says something positive, maybe, about the genre when a gang of four girls and one queer boy feels passe), and the conclusion she comes to is underwhelming senior thesis stuff. But while the Bling Ring is operational,  especially in sequences like the one-take shot of the group ransacking Patridge’s glass house, it’s hard to deny how potent Copella’s drug is.

    Blue Jasmine

    Dir. Woody Allen

    Blue Jasmine

    Watching Blue Jasmine, I found myself wondering if Woody Allen remembered what it was like, being poor. Ostensibly, his film yanks its title character from the monied stratosphere, pulling her down from her medicated, disinterested life on the east coast and throwing her to the hungry, angry dogs of San Francisco. But the “poor” Jasmine (Cate Blanchett) experiences feels like a less-than-authentic version of west coast bohemia—the streets are dirty, apartments are an aspiration, and the men who want to fuck you are named Chili, but there’s no real struggle. Given Allen’s oddly stereotypical riff on the 1% (Alec Baldwin shows up to play the version of himself that appears in Capital One credit card ads), it says a lot about Blanchett’s performance (and Sally Hawkins, as her sister, and Louis C.K. and Andrew Dice Clay, who are both believable representatives of the world Blue Jasmine tries to occupy) that Allen finds a lot of compelling middle ground between his two cartoonish representations of the haves and have-nots. And considering how unhinged Blanchett’s character is, perhaps the glassy eyed-indifference of her past and the poverty-by-way-of-Anthropologie of her present are both creations of her unhinged mind. Jasmine Francis is all things at once to her story—hero, villain, victim; a woman so ashamed of her past that she refuses to go by her real name, but so disgusted by her circumstances that she pushes away even the smallest gesture of compassion. Allen is no stranger to writing strong, distinct characters, but Jasmine is his best in some time, and Blanchett is transcendent in the role. 

    Frances Ha

    Dir. Noah Baumbach

    Greta Gerwig

    Greenberg has been sitting at the top of my queue in Netflix for a while, now. I saw the movie once, when it came out, and have felt a nagging impulse to revisit it ever since—it was one of my favorites, that year—but, now that I have the option to do so whenever I feel, I just can’t. Part of this, I suspect, is because I remember what it was like being in the theater, alone, watching that film on its last day of release in Cincinnati, paralyzed in my seat as Ben Stiller contemplated a dead raccoon. 2010 was a year of personal crisis for me, and something about the scene with the raccoon really hit me. I saw Frances Ha on the last day of its release in Ann Arbor, Michigan under the same circumstances. I had recently gotten an art degree, but was doing nothing with it; waiting out the deadlines for prospective PhD programs to get back to me and trying to face up to the likelihood that I’d be stuck with a cubicle job in Detroit (that I was, honestly, lucky to have) for the foreseeable future. I was depressed, and Frances Ha really spoke to that depression. I also missed the first fifteen or twenty minutes, so when it popped up on Netflix, I immediately re-watched it. I didn’t have the same experience, and it didn’t feel nearly so profound as when I was in the middle of a rather dire period of my life, but Baumbach really is a tremendous director, and Greta Gerwig may be the most arresting actress of her generation. I’m not a Brooklyn hipster and the kind of poor that Frances’ roommates speak about being lucky not to be is the kind of poor I actually am, so, in a way, Frances Ha went from being a document about how I perceived myself to a fantasy about what I’d like to be: broke but able to fly to Paris, stuck in a rut but still aspiring to do something with my art degree. I’m lucky to have avoided that fate entirely, but no movie in 2013 was able to say so much to me at such radically different points of my life.

    Happy People: A Year in the Taiga

    Dir. Werner Herzog and Dmitry Vasukov

    HAPPY PEOPLE - A YEAR IN THE TAIGA

    After a slow trudge through the festival circuit, Werner Herzog’s re-edit of a Russian documentary series finally reached widespread distribution this year. Though it lacks the flair of the documentaries Herzog shoots himself, Happy People: A Year in the Taiga makes for a tremendous third entry in the director’s unofficial trilogy of nature documentaries, often feeling like the intersection of a Venn diagram of Grizzly Man and Encounters at the End of the World. Like those films, Herzog’s fascination is with the fastidiousness of men and women living at the extremes of human existence  and the means of their survival. Unlike Timothy Treadwell or the scientists in the Antarctic, the villagers didn’t choose to live in the Taiga—one trapper, who has mastered the art over decades of routine, explains that he was assigned the job by the communist government, airlifted to the forest, and left with the vague promise that more supplies would come later. Beyond Pokémon t-shirts and the occasional visit from a political candidate and his karaoke machine, the trappers and their family seem frozen in time, making their own skiis, canoes, traps, and lean-tos, farming to subsist on a winter’s worth of bread and root vegetables. But compared to native life, which is on the verge of disappearing completely, the goings-on in the village are practically contemporary. The sequence with the natives is perfect, contemporary Herzog, a seemingly unrelated interlude that serves as the thesis of the film. Most Americans, I imagine, will watch this film from the comfort of their beds, on a Netflix-equipped laptop. That’s an unimaginable comfort for Happy People‘s subjects, just as their lives are, beyond the limits of this documentary, unimaginable to the typical docu-viewer. But the natives, hooked on vodka and stuck doing the worst menial labor of a town where even the most important work is menial, are even a level below that. They’re unavoidable, like the albino crocodiles of Cave of Forgotten Dreams, and make romanticizing life in Sibera tough even for those viewers most prone to doing so. For Herzog, everywhere there is pain and regret, even in parts of the world where it is too cold for feelings.

    Gravity

    Dir. Alfonso Cuarón

    Gravity movie

    There’s a distinct possibility that a second viewing on a smaller screen would have knocked Alfonso Cuarón’s lightweight space drama off of this list entirely, and that’s a problem. As much as I appreciate a good gimmick (3D that’s worth paying for is hardly Percepto!, but it’s something), I have huge reservations with Gravity, which puts all of its money on the screen, and none of it in the screenplay. Tentatively a feast for the eyes (unless repertory theaters come back, then long may this description reign), Cuarón and his son Jonás throw every possible disaster movie platitude out there, from an astronaut who is weeks away from retirement before the disaster strikes, to an atheist scientist coming to Jesus when all hope appears lost. It succeeds despite its aspiration to be an Oprah’s Book Club selection thanks entirely to its gorgeous cinematography—Gravity, unlike many films that receive this distinction, is a rollercoaster, a Space Mountain that threatens to ditch its patrons in the void. Sandra Bullock will receive plenty of awards consideration, but she doesn’t do much with what little she’s given. George Clooney plays a cocky space cowboy, which is to say that he plays himself, which is to say that he plays Bruce Wayne circa Batman and Robin, which is to say that he is charming and useless in equal measure. I think I’ve largely described something that will soon be on a lot of OKCupid profiles as a standard favorite movie, but between Gravity and Pacific Rim, it’s Cuarón’s technical achievements that I was more impressed by.

    It’s a Disaster

    Dir. Todd Berger

    Its a Disaster

    It’s a Disaster isn’t the funniest film of the year, nor is it the most poignant Friends vs. The End of the World riff in a year that was overstuffed with them. It was also the smallest of the three major ones (for every year will, for better or for worse, bring us television adaptations of Zombieland and Japanese curiosities like Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead), made on a shoestring and distributed widely on VOD services. Lacking the budget, stars, dick jokes, and Backstreet Boys cameos of This Is the EndIt’s a Disaster is that film with a heart, the often effective shocks of Rogen/Goldberg replaced with a plausible house party for the apocalypse. And while watching Jonah Hill get raped by a demon is kind of gross, I suppose, there’s something truly unsettling about Ugly Betty reciting the effects of nerve gas upon the human body, a late couple to the party choking on the stuff outside. The late film twist involving one of the characters doesn’t quite work, though it does allow It’s a Disaster to end on its biggest laugh, a variation on the old game where two kids have to go to sleep, but nobody wants to be the first to hang up the phone. It’s a Disaster would have worked without its gimmick, which says a lot about the easy chemistry of its ensemble. The world here ends with a whimper, but then again, that’s kind of how it would go out, isn’t it?

    Only God Forgives

    Dir. Nicolas Winding Refn

    Only God Forgives

    I’m not sure that I buy Only God Forgives as a calculated response to the success of Refn and Gosling’s Drive, the purposeful antithesis to their lurid neo-noir that gained a cult with such immediacy that I was able to see it in a beleaguered mall multiplex one afternoon in Bowling Green, Ohio. Drive wasn’t a stab at making a mainstream film anymore than Only God Forgives is an attempt to disgust the same crowd who loved it when Ryan Gosling drowned Albert Brooks in the Pacific Ocean. Refn makes his movies and lets the chips fall where they may. There’s something admirable and dangerous about that, and this, at first, was the only thing that kept me watching the film beyond its first act, which is so audacious that it sets the revenge plot moving for a murdered rapist/murderer/pedophile who is first seen requesting a 14-year-old prostitute. But Gosling’s mother-mandated quest for the head of the police officer who allowed the killing of his brother is upended by that police officer, a Lieutenant with a taste for karaoke and Biblical retribution. Like his character in Drive, Gosling here is near mute, weathering his mother’s abuse and staring intently at something we never see, but Julian lacks the resolve of the Driver and is ultimately no match for Lt. Chang, who is literally and figuratively the angel of vengeance in this world. This was declared the most divisive movie of 2013 by the social media site Letterboxd, and that’s entirely fair. Beyond the lush Thai scenery and another killer Cliff Martinez score, folks expecting another Drive will be sorely disappointed. But there were few films as risky as this one, where a major American movie star challenges a Thai actor to a fight and gets his ass kicked soundly for an eternity, with no return bout. The payoff here is worth squirming through the first twenty minutes.

    The Place Beyond the Pines

    Dir. Derek Cianfrance

    PLACE BEYOND THE PINES

    The Place Beyond the Pines is overlong and sloppy, attempting to smash the decades spanning familial drama of a series like The Godfather into a single three-act film, if Michael Corleone were the best carnival dirt bike rider in upstate New York. The third act, which takes place sixteen or so years removed from the event that ties the three films together, is necessary in the sense that it provides closure, but a real let-down; neither the writing nor the acting are up to the standard of the film’s first two thirds, and its closing shot seems tailor-made for a washed-out .gif set on a Tumblr. But those first two acts, man. Ryan Gosling is the kind of quiet, intense character he is in a Nicolas Winding Refn film, though it feels much different, watching that character operate here, since it’s so different from the one Gosling played in director Derek Cianfrance’s Blue Valentine. And while Bradley Cooper will continue to make more money and earn more acclaim for his roles in films like Silver Linings Playbook and American Hustle, he plays a conflicted cop so well in The Place Beyond the Pines that it’s easy to forget that Cooper rose to prominence as a sleazy, dickish elementary school teacher in The Hangover. The way these characters intersect involves a fair measure of All Cops Are Bastards boilerplate, but the turmoil their meeting leaves Eva Mendez—an actress who has created an unlikely sideline for herself as the siren of off-beat dramas like this and Herzog’s Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans—in says more about class privilege than one might reasonable expect from a film that uses a shotgun to apply temporary tattoos to Ryan Gosling. The Place Beyond the Pines requires effort to enjoy and will eventually collapse under its own pretension regardless, but in terms of scope and ambition, there weren’t many films capable of topping this one.

    Room 237

    Dir. Rodney Ascher

    Room 237

    The various theories about Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining—moon landing apologia, allegory for the slaughter of Native Americans, Holocaust metaphor—are united in their lunacy and banal attention to detail (Look! An arrangement of Calumet Baking Powder canisters!  Hey! The Apollo 11 is there onDanny’s sweater!) but buried beneath the not-quite-lucid theorizing of the quacks who’ve spent their lives decoding every frame of Kubrick’s adaptation of (or, if you prefer, gigantic “fuck you” to) Stephen King’s novel is some rather fascinating film criticism and experiments in experience. Room 237 gathers a diverse array of Kubrick scholars to speak about their passion projects relating to this particular film, and while none of them are particularly in conversation with one another, seeing a film show how radically five different people can interpret one pop culture artifact is grist enough for the mill. The conspiracies, obviously, are the meat here, but hearing about the guy who projects two copies of The Shining at once, one moving forward and one playing backwards, with clips of that process, manage to cast the well-worn images of Kubrick’s film in a new light, and the more academic theorizing that happens here, as well as the amount of work that has gone into showing that the Overlook Hotel has an architecturally impossible layout, are fascinating compared to the illusions reached for by the moon-landing theorist who claims to have been cold called on several occasions by the FBI. All of the theories here, regardless of visual or textual evidence, are too grounded in coincidence to make The Shining any more profound than it already is (and, for me, The Shining is very profound), but that, too, speaks to the film and the director’s power. Stanley Kubrick, for all his exactitude, was a human being. Yes, he oversaw The Shining, but even the most hardcore proponent of auteur theory wouldn’t posit that Kubrick arranged the contents of the walk-in fridge by hand, hiding a codified message within, or that, while shooting, the man had control over the sun. Kubrick’s powers were immense, but the man wasn’t exactly subtle. If he meant half of what the people in Room 237 believe, The Shining would have beaten that message into the collective consciousness with a gigantic ceramic penis.

    The Spectacular Now

    Dir. James Ponsoldt

    The Spectacular Now

    Were it not for the fact that I moved to Athens, where The Spectacular Now was filmed (“Look,” an excited high school kid said, pointing to the screen at a local fried chicken chain, “a Zaxby’s!”), I might not have seen it. Trailers for high school rom-dram-coms set in idyllic, green utopias, usually backed with trailers for high school rom-dram-coms seeking the sweet spot of 1990s nostalgia, played with such frequency at the arthouse theaters I went to in Michigan that they all started to blur together—a mish-mash of trees and swimming pools and young faces. It turns out that The Spectacular Now wasn’t a comedy at all, which, considering the toxic nature of screenwriting duo Scott Neustadter and Michael Weber’s {500 Days of Summer}, was something of a relief. Though still decidedly a romance, The Spectacular Now is serious drama, well-aware of the fact that high school students have problems as real as adults. It’s an odd comparison, but I recently watched the first few episodes of American Horror Story. In its attempt to be as lurid and shocking as possible, the gamut of problems its high school protagonist faces—bullying, abusive boyfriends, depression, familial distress, cutting, etc.—becomes as farcical as, say, the faux-promiscuity of Emma Stone’s character in Easy A. Here, Sutter Keeley (Miles Teller) is clearly an alcoholic and rarely appears without a red Dixie cup in his hand or a flask in his pocket. Keggers and house parties are such a staple in high school films now that it’s almost shocking when Sutter’s boss (Bob Odenkirk) calls him out on it, and legitimately shocking when Sutter chooses alcohol over his potential. Of course, the kid cleans up (romance movie!), but not before The Spectacular Now makes clear just how willing Miles is to wreck his life and drag down the people he loves to stay drunk. A very mature negotiation of an often cloying genre.

    Spring Breakers

    Dir. Harmony Korine

    Spring Breakers

    John Waters called Spring Breakers “the best sexplotation film of the year,” and he’s not lying. Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! by way of the Disney Channel, Harmony Korine sends a gang of young starlets to St. Petersberg for spring break with no moral compass, no ambitions beyond getting fucked and fucked upwhen one of them gets too skittish, no longer able to imagine a world where spring break lasts forever, he sends them home on a Greyhound bus. Shot and edited to resemble a banned music video watched through the haze of a sizzurp binge, Korine turns the MTV-sponsored fantasy of spring break into a waking nightmare of bared flesh, spinning rims, and gold teeth. James Franco, playing Alien—a white rapper whose empire is largely financed by stealing from the drunk, stoned tourists who invade his turf one week a year to indulge their hedonist impulses—creates the kind of indelible character worthy of his self-curated reputation as a pop art renaissance man. Sneering at his budding gangsters as he bails them out of jail, bragging about having Scarface on repeat, or giving head to the barrel of a gun, Alien is a guy who dreamed of being bad, and who finds new ways of achieving that dream every day. Spring Breakers is a trash masterpiece, a giddy and lurid exercise in stunt casting and outrageous set pieces, from the innocuous use of a minor professional wrestler as a youth pastor to a montage of brutal crimes set to a sentimental Britney Spears ballad. Like a Nightline special where a blacklight is taken to hotel linens, no filth is left unexamined.

    Upstream Color

    Dir. Shane Carruth

    Upstream Color

    Given the force with which studios flooded multiplexes with sequels, remakes, and vain attempts to launch new franchises, it’s incredible that 2013 had room for a film like Upstream Color, which no amount of summarization can do justice to. It is, at once, an elaborate heist film, a science fiction puzzlebox, and an intimate epic, quietly laying out its materials and trusting the audience to sort them out with as much care as they were assembled. A student of mine in freshman composition wrote an essay on this film (which surprised me, because what freshman in a composition course puts Upstream Color in their Netflix queue?) and came pretty close, I think, to one of the movie’s essential truths, writing that being in a relationship with someone is like being tied to them with a thread, only neither person knows where that thread came from or can remember, exactly, how the thread was knotted in the first place. She left out, however, that the thread here is a parasite, which is fine because I’m still trying to figure out what Walden has to do with anything going on here. If there was a job to be performed during the production of this film, director/star/writer/producer Shane Carruth did it, eventually distributing the film on his own in limited release, then on home video and Netflix, where its presence in a haphazardly composed list of New Releases acts simultaneously as invitation and challenge. That’s a gutty undertaking for an artist, even one as fiercely independent as Carruth.

    The Wolf of Wall Street

    Dir. Martin Scorsese

    THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

    From the very beginning, Jordan Belfort lets you know he’s in control. Racing down the freeway in a Lamborghini, a beautiful woman’s head in his lap, he complains, via voiceover, that the color of the car is incorrect. Wham! it changes—isn’t it great, being rich? Yes, unequivocally. The Wolf of Wall Street will make no argument against that, not when its protagonist, who swindled hundreds of millions of dollars pushing fake stock, got out of prison and immediately hit the public speaking circuit, offering sales strategies to men who probably wouldn’t be in a hotel conference room with him were they meant to be salesmen. But Belfort is long exiled from the trading floor, where he was the ruler of a vast empire, writing checks and racking up credit card debt at a rate that’d be alarming were it not for the fact that he made money twice as fast as he could spend it. His inner circle may have consisted of nerds and outcasts, but Belfort, the subject of a Martin Scorsese picture, is unmistakably a shakedown artist, a man living so fast and so recklessly that his regimen of drugs, pills, and alcohol weren’t crippling inhibitors, but necessary supplements, like a bodybuilder’s creatine. The Wolf of Wall Street is frequently vulgar and absolutely unashamed of its depiction of drug use, the stock market, and Belfort’s treatment of women, but Scorsese hardly valorizes him—for all his magnetism, for all his control of the narrative, nothing Belfort does or says can convince  even the dimmest rube that he isn’t a total scumbag, and that’s pretty much how a film about a Wall Street pirate should operate. In the aftermath of the financial crisis, there’ve been films about men like Jordon Belfort; there’s even been a sequel to Wall Street. But despite the world’s mistrust of the markets, despite the still-visible anger over the bailout, these movies often end up toothless, tacitly professing their belief in the noble billionaire. Not here. The Wolf of Wall Street runs three hours, even finding room Belfort’s endless bacchanal for a gay orgy held at his expense, but you’d be hard pressed to find a minute where Jordan Belfort has a soul. Sure, The Wolf of Wall Street says that it’s good to be a prick. It is. Even when the FBI holds a press conference announcing the arrest of someone like Jordon Belfort, there’s always another WASP waiting to sponge up as much money as he can before he, too, gets popped. That kind of scum never scrubs clean.

    The World’s End

    Dir. Edgar Wright

    The Worlds End

    Navigate around its special effects laden fight sequences, the bulk of which are fairly tiresome once the group figures out what they’re up against, and The World’s End is a very compelling comedy about ruined friendships and alcoholism. You have to do a lot more navigating here than in prior Wright/Pegg/Frost collaborations, as The World’s End, perhaps anticipating Edgar Wright’s leap into the Marvel cinematic universe, is both less focused—it isn’t spoofing the conventions of horror or action films so much as it becomes a muddled attempt at one—and more preoccupied with pulping every last robot occupying the formerly quaint village of Newton Haven. It’s less funny than Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, and less technically accomplished than Wright’s Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, but until it comes around to identifying with Simon Pegg’s drunken, nostalgia-obsessed wrecking ball, The World’s End is the most mature of the Wright/Pegg/Frost Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy. The villain here is a member of the group. He’s not infected with a disease, and he’s not a slasher. His weapons are an unwashed trench coat, an old rust bucket of a car (with original mixtapes), and an unending phrasebook of forgotten high school catchphrases. This character belongs to a collective history—I have had friends in my life like this, and I have been this friend to others. Both positions are painful, and enduring comedy often comes from a place of pain. Like a lot of films on this list, the ending (despite being somewhat triumphant) sells out the larger issue at hand. It isn’t that the world is ending now, but that, for Gary King, the world ended when he graduated high school.