I know, I know. I haven’t reviewed an episode of Raw since February. In truth, I just haven’t watched that much wrestling since the build into and great release of WrestleMania. I can’t afford the indies like I used to, and beyond NXT and Lucha Underground, everything I watch (even New Japan Pro-Wrestling) seems content to remain in a post-big show holding pattern that isn’t going to cure me of the fact that, for whatever reason, I’m just flat burnt out on the stuff. World Wrestling Entertainment’s main programming has been stuck in this holding pattern since Survivor Series, for whatever that’s worth, and, heading into this Sunday’s surprise Elimination Chamber special, the company is only capable of manufacturing one or two moments or matches that pique my interest. This Sunday, that match is Kevin Owens vs. John Cena, a dude I stumped hard for when he was on the independents against a guy who I think ranks among the all-time greatest. So, wearily, I turned on Raw to see how that program would build, and was greeted by the WWE roster reciting a speech by Ronald Reagan, who is this (and every) year’s hot president for Vince McMahon, beacon not only of that shining city on a hill, but for the last time McMahon’s now incredibly dated concept of narrative storytelling worked without anybody wondering why nobody on his staff had the guts to tell him “no.”
In a month, it’ll have been four years since C.M. Punk dropped his famous “pipe bomb” promo, the worked shoot where he went off on John Cena and Vince McMahon and Triple H and anybody else he perceived as having held him back despite being the best in the ring, on the microphone, and so on. This ushered in what Grantland‘s The Masked Man dubbed “The Reality Era,” but that’s never really panned out. If anything, what Punk’s sudden ascent marked was the beginning of WWE’s Indie Era, which, like the much maligned WWF New Generation era that launched with the departure of Hulk Hogan in 1993, has had its share of ups and downs. At no other point in wrestling history was it possible for someone like CM Punk to become a star on mainstream television, or Daniel Bryan, or Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose, or, if the Internet has its way, Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens. All of these wrestlers had careers, great careers, before they came to World Wrestling Entertainment, but the fact that they don’t exactly build wrestlers like Hulk Hogan anymore means that it’s possible for somebody who used to toil in an Indiana barn for a bunch of hillbillies who paid $10 to see some blood to rub elbows with Jon Stewart or main event a WrestleMania despite the clear wishes of those writing the show. Punk has, obviously, since left wrestling, disgruntled to the point that he’d rather get wrecked in the UFC and write comic books. Daniel Bryan, who will go down as the biggest success story of the Indie Era, has injured his neck to the extent that he probably shouldn’t wrestle again. NXT is currently a warehouse for former indie darlings to keep wrestling while waiting for a call-up to the main roster, a WWE-built alternative to WWE that, giving credit where credit is due, has largely convinced folks that the WWE, finally, is on the road to something that looks like real, substantive change. That, or everybody is so pleased with NXT that they actively hope that their favorites won’t get the call, because the main roster might take a good thing like Kevin Owens and ruin him.
Those fears are perhaps unfounded, as Owens is showing up on Raw in basketball shorts destroying Cena with his wicked pop-up powerbomb like he’s not a 15-time WWE Champion, but, then again, looking at Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose as they head into a WWE Championship match at Elimination Chamber, perhaps not. This Raw was booked around that match, made unofficial last week when Ambrose threatened to crush Rollins’ head on a pile of cinderblocks—a nice callback to last year’s goofy angle that took the beyond-hot Ambrose out of action for a few months so he could film a movie nobody is going to see. The Authority, which, by now, is Rollins and a bunch of old dudes in suits, opened the show by giving Ambrose the evening to put his name on a contract to make the match official, first inviting him to an obvious ambush (spoiled by Ambrose’s running buddy Roman Reigns), then conspiring to have him arrested for accidentally assaulting a camera man. With Ambrose in jail, all Raw had to do was kill time until the end of the night, when he would obviously be freed and sign the contract. Saved at the last minute by a WWE staff member uploading a video to YouTube (reality!), Ambrose either stole or was allowed to borrow an NYPD van and officer’s uniform, whereupon he returned triumphant to the Nassau Colosseum to rescue Reigns and ink his name on the contract. It was an angle straight out of the Attitude Era, Stone Cold Steve Austin commandeering a zamboni or a beer truck or his own skull-festooned pick-up to ruin Vince McMahon’s night, but the Austin character (and the McMahon one, for that matter) was able to command “reality” in a way the Ambrose one isn’t, or isn’t allowed to. Of all the ex-Shield members, Dean Ambrose has unquestionably been the worst-written since that unit’s dissolution last year, but he’s the one that fans have most latched on to. He’s teflon-coated, whether he’s rolling a hot dog cart to the ring or threatening to make J&J Security work barefooted, like Hobbits. His continued popularity is a testament to the sort of connection that WWE’s indie-bred stars are able to foster with an audience that likely isn’t aware that indie wrestling exists, but it’s a complete mystery to me after a year of goofy, go-nowhere promos that are way too light on the fact that his ex-friend Seth Rollins tried to end his career once.
That said, assuming the goofy garbage of a marquee Dean Ambrose match is left to the side, the in-ring quality of this Sunday’s match will be hard for anything else on the card to live up to. In Raw‘s opening contest, a tag match that saw Ambrose joined by Reigns and Rollins by Kane, the two brought a lot of flash to the now beyond-tired Roman Reigns vs. Kane formula, going so far as to exchange the signature moves of Kazuchika Okada and Hiroshi Tanahashi, two of New Japan Pro Wrestling’s ace performers who are also, more often than not, rivals. And that Ambrose won the match with a backslide and not his finishing maneuver or through disqualification suggests that his match against Rollins, however uninspired Raw‘s storyline was, won’t just be a throwaway title defense on a show otherwise devoted to Cena vs. Owens and the titular Elimination Chamber match.
Given the decidedly low-stakes of both Chamber matches, that’s good. I’m generally not a fan of WWE booking pay-per-views around specific match genres beyond the Royal Rumble—in a medium that requires the occasional bit of surprise spectacle, calling an event Hell in a Cell and giving us three Hell in a Cell matches on it robs us of both—and the return of the Elimination Chamber for a Tag Team Title match and to decide the once-again vacant Intercontinental Championship only reveals how weak the tag team division is beyond the champions and their primary challengers, and how low the current writer’s rooms energies are ebbing. The Intercontinental Championship was just decided in a multi-man ladder match at WrestleMania, and, with June’s Money in the Bank approaching, yet another multi-man ladder match, likely involving a fair number of the men featured in the Elimination Chamber, will take center stage. Thus the build for the Chamber isn’t on the danger of the match itself or the struggle to get into the match, but on the fallout of the John Cena vs. Rusev I Quit match from this month’s Payback, which saw Lana throw in the towel for her man when she heard him say “I quit” in his mother tongue. Their promo on Raw was half-amazing, half-train-wreck, a pile-up of cold war and sitcom marriage cliches largely sold by the fact that Rusev is one of wrestling’s more engaging characters on the microphone, and Lana a rare great managerial presence whose character, sadly, will not work with anybody but her now former charge. Once Rusev convinces Lana to come to the ring, he starts plying her with rhetoric so pig-headed that even the crowd knows they’re watching something sexist, saying that Lana clearly just wants Rusev’s attention, and that he is ready to give it to her. In what is unquestionably the best thing said on WWE TV since Nikki Bella said she wished her sister died in the womb, Rusev tells Lana “I know you want to crush America and the American spirit just as bad as I,” and he means it. The two embrace, and, just as I’m starting to get misty-eyed for this pair of crazy kids, Rusev asks Lana to admit that she was wrong. This, obviously, she does not do. Rusev goes off, saying that he’s done being nice and that, well, he owns Lana. Lana has none of this, says “I am no longer your victim,” and leaves. Here’s the thing. World Wrestling Entertainment has set the bar so low for female characters that this isn’t just a step in the right direction, it’s Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. But then Lana leaves the ring and makes out with Dolph Ziggler to “get back” at Rusev, and that fantasy is over right quick because it’s 2015 and women on Raw can only be defined by how much they hate other women (see every Diva’s Championship feud, including the current issue between Paige, Naomi, and the Bella Twins), or their relationship with a man. The small blessing here is that Rusev would later return fire by beating Ziggler up in front of Lana, putting him in the Accolade while screaming “KISS HIM NOW!” That ruled.
Raw didn’t cure what ails me when it comes to professional wrestling, and, in truth, I’m not sure Elimination Chamber will, either. I know that NXT is out there tearing it up (and yes, Unstoppable was another impressive live special from that crew), and my beloved indies soldier on though I am currently unable to pay for them. WWE thrives because it is the easiest wrestling program to access, and ease-of-access breeds complacency. For too long now, it feels like there’s been talk of “grabbing the brass ring” and little actual follow-through. Owens changes that, maybe, but then again, maybe not. His fellow NXT alum Neville is currently wrestling good-to-great matches on the main roster in near-silence because some idiot decided to call him “The New Sensation” instead of just letting him grow organically. Too much of Raw feels perfunctory, there in hopes that a familiar face or move will get the live crowd to pop, and, as such, it feels like I’m watching the most talented wrestlers in the world do battle in a pool of molasses. It’s gotten to the point that John Cena’s usual pandering to the WWE Universe now includes a caveat that it may, in fact, be time for something new. He was talking about the “LET’S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS” chant finally giving way to a name his detractors could believe in, but I’m not sure the solution is as drastic as having Kevin Owens come in and destroy an already barren planet. Nah. If the roster were doing half as much as Zack Ryder did in his match against John Cena, pushing his envelope way beyond what any reasonable person expected of him because he was wrestling his last match in the arena where he learned to love wrestling, we’d be doing just fine. Sure, Ryder ate shit on his 450 splash, but I’d rather watch a beautiful failure than a wrestling promotion in cruise control.
Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns def. Seth Rollins & Kane via pinfall. GRADE: B
Rusev def. R-Truth via submssion. GRADE: N/A
Ryback def. Wade Barrett via pinfall. GRADE: B-
Neville def. Stardust via pinfall. GRADE: C
Dolph Ziggler def. Sheamus via pinfall. GRADE: C+
UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: John Cena (champion) def. Zack Ryder via pinfall. GRADE: B
Tamina def. Paige via pinfall. GRADE: D
10 VS. 3 HANDICAP MATCH: The New Day def. Tyson Kidd & Cesaro, The Ascension, Los Matadores, The Prime Time Players, and the Lucha Dragons via disqualification. GRADE: N/A
This week, Raw was a mix of everything wonderful, weird, and awful about World Wrestling Entertainment. After an underwhelming pay-per-view redeemed by a fantastic main event that still left people wanting the other guy in the WrestleMania main event, Raw finally started moving towards its usual killer January-March pace. The show was bookended by two very good wrestling matches. There is some intrigue at the top of the card, depending on how one reads the post-Fastlane interaction between Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns. Despite that, and despite some offbeat, enjoyable stuff from unexpected contributors, Raw is still a two-hour show trying and failing desperately to fill a third hour. Writing that third hour, according to Triple H, is the hardest job anybody in the WWE has. It’s also one they routinely, consistently fail to achieve. I’m hardly one of those “It says wrestling on the marquee!” kinda guys (though I do cringe whenever they refer to me and my ilk as “sports-entertainment” fans), but when certain members of the roster are in the ring watching a music video that has nothing to do with them longer than they’re in the ring wrestling, then there are big, big problems with pacing that not even the most cheerful advertisement for one’s place in the zeitgeist can patch up.
The opening promo, at least, felt fresh, if only because Randy Orton hadn’t been in it for about four months. At Fastlane, Orton returned to exact his revenge upon Seth Rollins, who purposefully injured Orton because he, as the “face of the WWE,” felt that The Authority were trying to push him out of the picture. Orton says that he’s not the type of dude to talk for twenty minutes (not true) and gets right to the point: He wants Seth Rollins’ ass. Out comes The Authority—Triple H, Stephanie McMahon, Kane, and Big Show—without Seth Rollins. Triple H is all sad, besuited muscle, his tuff guy leather jacket having led him to an ass kicking at the hands of the old man called Sting. He doesn’t say anything during the segment, which is actually pretty great. Stephanie McMahon thus takes charge of the situation. She, for one, is really excited to see Randy again, and in the killer mode The Authority was begging for last year and didn’t get. She’d be glad to welcome Randy back into The Authority, provided he can find forgiveness in his heart for Seth Rollins. But this is Randy Orton, and he has no heart. All he wants is to bash Seth Rollins’ brains in. But Stephanie, she thinks things can still be smoothed out. Big Show tells Randy that joining The Authority again is the right move, the best one he ever made, and that was after a year of Stephanie and Triple H making him cry and threaten to foreclose on their house. Besides, Stephanie says, it’s not like Randy Orton is a nice guy. As a matter of fact, he once physically assaulted Stephanie in order to get to Triple H. But she can forgive him for all of that, because this is business. Stephanie McMahon is such a great heel. Everything she says is logical and true, and is thus absolutely heinous. And that’s why, when she offers Randy a business meeting with Seth Rollins, he takes it. The crowd, obviously, would have loved for Orton to RKO the hell out of everybody in that ring, but we’re all about delayed gratification for the moment, even when it doesn’t make much sense for Orton to reconsider joining a group that’s been largely useless without him.
Because the opening promo didn’t go twenty minutes, we head straight into a non-title match between Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett and Dolph Ziggler. Barrett is without his title because Dean Ambrose stole it after being disqualified at Fastlane. Dolph Ziggler is without a feud after losing cleanly to The Authority in that show’s opening match. Oh, and R-Truth is out there doing guest commentary because he beat Barrett in a non-title match on SmackDown! and he wants a shot at the championship. This is the most significant microphone time he’s had since 2011. And you know what? He’s pretty good when he’s not being asked to play a heartless stereotype. He tries and succeeds in getting the hashtag #GiveTruthAChance trending, which will become important later in the evening, too. Meanwhile, Ziggler and Barrett have a good match, which is only something of a surprise since Barrett has largely struggled to find himself since his return. At this point, Dolph Ziggler can be trusted to have a good match with just about anybody. This, and his undeniable charisma, are why the crowd react to him as though he’s being booked much better than he is. There is no good outcome here: Either Ziggler continues losing or Barrett continues losing, and both, honestly, deserve better. Ziggler continues to be one of the best on the roster at picking up a match’s pace towards the end. After taking a hideous looking powerbomb, he avoids Barrett’s finishing elbow and nearly scores the win with a roll-up. He misses a fameasser, ducks Barrett’s boot, then gets taken out with a huge slam. Ziggler gets the Zig Zag after moving out of the way of a charging Barrett, and gets the win. Now, it seems, there are three contenders for the Intercontinental Championship. And hey, here’s Dean Ambrose with the title. He just shows up, taking Ziggler’s spotlight, and seethes in Barrett’s general direction. Barrett continues to do his whiney big man routine, deadpanning “That’s my title!” from the corner. Ziggler checks the title out, and Ambrose mean mugs him before leaving. R-Truth doesn’t get involved at all, so he’ll probably lose to Barrett on SmackDown! and shuffle off to the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal by the time WrestleMania comes around.
Backstage, we’re privy to The Authority’s business meeting with Randy Orton. This, if you’ve never been in a business meeting before, is what they look like:
Everybody gathers in the corner of a tableless, chairless room, squeezed together and standing at a three-quarter turn to the camera that must, of course, be there to document the business. A good negotiating tactic is to show up to these things in a t-shirt and a pair of briefs. Try it at your next job interview. Seth Rollins is thrown off by Orton’s gambit, interrupting Stephanie to say that he doesn’t want him back. Stephanie goes on a tear once Rollins interrupts him—what he wants is not the issue. The Future and the Face of the WWE can and should coexist. Kane isn’t too convinced, but Stephanie doesn’t care what Business Kane thinks. She wants Randy and Seth to bury the hatchet. She throws Rollins under the bus while Triple H pouts about his fateful meeting with Sting, who is pretty much the templar from the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Orton doesn’t think too long about rejoining The Authority. It’s a good business move, this is a business meeting, and it’s all business. He shakes Rollins’ hand. Stephanie is so hyped up about this that she books the reunited Authority against Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan for the main event. Orton isn’t exactly a character actor, but man is he good tonight, smugly lording it over Rollins while making it pretty clear that he’s going to drop him and The Authority the first chance he gets.
The Prime Time Players reunited last week on Raw, the formerly promising tag team coming back together because The Ascension needs more mid-card tag teams to make them look worthwhile. Michael Cole says that there’s a reason the two are back together, but never gets to say it. Oh well. The reason why they broke up wasn’t that good, either. Meanwhile, The Ascension heard that The Bushwhackers got inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, and they’re pretty sure they could destroy those guys. They’re totally right, but oh man is it hilarious to see two painted-up weirdos in terrible leather gear cut a straight 1980s promo on a couple of goofballs who wandered around the ring during their matches to like people’s heads. “HALL OF FAME?” one of them yells, setting up the other for “MORE LIKE HALL OF SHAME!” They should do this on every old tag team, every week. This match is nothing, really. The Ascension beat up Darren Young, who has gotten beaten up exclusively since making his return from an injury. Titus O’Neil gets involved for a little, which lets his partner score a roll-up win. This is The Ascension’s first loss, but that’s not exactly impressive since they got their asses kicked by JBL a month ago.
Roman Reigns’ victory over Daniel Bryan was the expected outcome at Fastlane. It was also a very good match, showing a side of Reigns that I honestly didn’t know existed, which is that he could remain interesting and look good for the duration of an entire match, not just when he punches and spears his opponent for the win. The bigger problem with Reigns, though, is that he can’t speak. He just can’t do it. And the only thing that’s made him seem interesting in the space beyond his matches was The Shield, which he already leans on so heavily that it’s like the group ended for him. All Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson had for his cousin was “Roman I make it Reigns in this bitch” and the look of a man who would rather be anywhere but next to the albatross of a forced WrestleMania main event push.
But Reigns is going to have to learn how to speak for himself to really make it as a top-tier draw, so here he is with a hot mic in front of a live crow. And you know what? He does pretty well. After a month of being booed in favor of Daniel Bryan, he has a nice, organic talking point to go through, and before he can go on for too long, Daniel Bryan comes out to address his loss. Obviously, he’s there to put Reigns over, which is not what the crowd wants. Until that point, he really tears into Reigns’ shortcomings as a title contender, in this vicious, mean way that reminds one of how great Bryan was as a heel and would be again if he wasn’t so universally beloved. But that match at Fastlane made Daniel Bryan a believer in Reigns, regardless of what he felt beforehand. Honestly, it’s pretty depressing watching Daniel Bryan just roll over and die for Roman Reigns, but maybe it’s going somewhere unexpected. Bryan, after all, is still without an obvious match at WrestleMania, and maybe knowing that he gave it his all and came up short will make him desperate enough to interject himself in the main event in some fashion. Bryan’s effort to put over Roman Reigns isn’t enough, so Paul Heyman hits the ring and really goes over the top. In a match, he would have picked Reigns over Bruno Sammartino. He would have picked him over Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant. He would have picked Roman Reigns over Steve Austin or The Rock, John Cena or Randy Orton, Daniel Bryan or his brothers in The Shield. Heyman lays all of this on so thick that he has legitimate heat with even the smart fans in the crowd. His point isn’t so much that Roman Reigns is a smart bet, but that all of those men were just that… men. Brock Lesnar, his client, the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, isn’t a man. He’s a beast. It’s the same promo Heyman has been cutting since Brock Lesnar defeated The Undertaker at last year’s WrestleMania, but it’s a really good promo and continues to be, even with Roman Reigns at its center. Reigns tries to get sassy with Heyman, but after a heartfelt promo by Bryan and the cold, harsh light of Paul E. Dangerously’s truth, all he’s got is his catchphrase. Whatever. I am in for whatever physicality there will be between Lesnar and Reigns, especially given Lesnar’s ability to flip the switch between merciless destruction and awe-inspiring superhuman selling within the same match. Still, if Reigns’ victory at WrestleMania is etched in stone (and I’m not convinced that’s the case), he’s going to need to figure out how to look good even when he’s being outshined on the microphone.
Every WWE championship has, buried within the unseen contract the champions sign upon clinching the title, a rematch clause. It’s a bit of lazy storytelling that allows an ongoing championship feud continue without having to stop and think of what a title change really means, the faux-strategy often being that cashing in on that clause early will give the former champions a mental advantage over their rivals. That’s why The Usos used their clause on Raw, one presumes, and hey, the story plays out that they really do have an advantage early, befuddling Kidd and Cesaro with their high impact, tag team offense. It’s immediately a better effort than at Fastlane the night before, as the chaos that let the match down at the pay-per-view actually comes to define this contest, both teams throwing caution to the wind because they really want that pair of big pennies. There’s a lot of good double-team stuff here, even if what’s happening isn’t tag team wrestling in its classical sense. And, as Naomi and Natalya finally got physically involved, there’s a chance that this issue may evolve into a showcase for them, as well. Natalya shoved Naomi to the ground for stopping Tyson Kidd from cheating, then got her team disqualified by getting involved in the match. The post-match altercation between the two women, while brief, got a good reaction from the crowd. If this becomes a six-person tag team situation in time for WrestleMania, and if Natalya and Naomi aren’t kept to their own corner of the ring, this might yet become the interesting Tag Team Championship feud the division has been sorely lacking.
The tag team match is a spike in a show that begins to drag pretty severely. The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal from last year’s WrestleMania has not been forgotten, so The Miz and Damien Mizdow’s ongoing will-they-or-won’t-they over their odd partnership is part of that match, now. Stardust and Goldust appear to be moving towards another singles match, but now they’re in the mid-card singles feud holding pattern where the way to continue things is to distract somebody with your music. Curtis Axel still hasn’t been eliminated from the Royal Rumble some twenty-nine days and counting, which rules. He is going to put his experience in not losing battle royals (and not entering them, either) to good use in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. His old buddy Ryback comes out and says that he and the AX-MAN were one of the greatest tag teams of all time, which is legitimately hilarious. RyBaxel explodes…in a thirty-second squash match. Ryback is a good pick for that battle royal. If you put Roman Reigns against Ryback, my money is on Ryback.
Raw has to deal with a lot of Fastlane fall out. Bray Wyatt fooled the crowd in Memphis when he came out with The Undertaker’s druids and music. I can’t say that his promo that night or any of his pre-tapes about vaguely defined dark forces were anything that much better than Wyatt’s usual schtick, but with his intentions finally public, he cuts a scorching promo about how the evil that once possessed The Undertaker was now calling on Bray Wyatt to put him down. I wish there was more faith in Wyatt to deliver without the use of spooooOOOOOoooOOooooky props (tonight: a smoking funeral arrangement—oooooOOOOOoooooOOOoooo), but it’s not like Bray Wyatt is the only guy being given unnecessary props. His opponent at last year’s WrestleMania, John Cena, is now ALL ABOUT AMERICA, JACK after his loss to Rusev. Though he hit all of the expected John Cena beats, he actually did a tremendous job playing the role the announcers discussed during the actual match during Fastlane, an aging master of wrestling coming to terms with the fact that he really can’t win them all anymore. He was cheated, but he failed. Rusev, though, has nothing to be proud about, winning after a low blow, and if he’s the kind of person Russia props up as a hero (he isn’t), then, well, everybody there should be ashamed. This brings out Rusev and Lana, the best full-time act in wrestling. After his victory, what he wants from John Cena is an admission that America is inferior to Russia. That really gets Cena’s dander up. “Watch your ass when you run down the United States of America,” warns the star of The Marine, before praising the men who took Iwo Jima as heroes to Rusev’s garbage. That… that’s a fair point, maybe, but Russia also did stuff in World War II. Like, they exhausted Nazi forces on the eastern front and eventually took Berlin. Compared to that, John Cena is garbage, too. He challenges Rusev to a WrestleMania rematch, but the burly Bulgarian says no. Then he drops his flag from the ceiling and leaves John Cena standing there like he just found out he was grown in a lab and his memories are a lie. That’s what you get for shameless patriotism, John. Oh, and the Rollins/Orton thing continues to play out, with the two having a meeting where they hash things out. Orton hasn’t put anything behind him, but he’s willing to give Rollins a chance, if only to show that Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan were lucky he wasn’t in the Royal Rumble. They’re going to have to compress this a lot with their destined singles match just over the horizon, but an Orton/Rollins team could be quite compelling over a long stretch. It seems like Orton is playing his rejoining The Authority much straighter in this segment, which is a confusing narrative decision, but all roads lead to him finally landing an RKO on Rollins.
Because Triple H vs. Sting is happening at WrestleMania, and because many of WWE’s most passionate fans weren’t alive when WCW folded, they play a Sting highlight package. It is quite good, as most WWE highlight packages are, but man, it is not encouraging. The last great Sting match happened in maybe 1994, and his biggest year, 1997, was him not talking and not wrestling. A lot of people you’ve heard of do their best to put over how great Sting is and was, and it’ll be really great when they play this again in the context of inducting Sting into the WWE Hall of Fame. Maybe by then we’ll be past the new World order being the primary narrative engine of professional wrestling and we can look back on the year Sting laid everybody out with the Scorpion Death Drop more fondly than we do now. Maybe the hero, whoever that is, will be allowed his triumph over The Authority, which will then fade away and never return
The problem with the Sting video, the Bushwhackers Hall of Fame Video, and the newest version of the Seth Rollins/John Stewart video is that they exist on live television in an era where a YouTube video (or a 24/7 online streaming network/on-demand service) could present this information at any time. TMZ did WWE’s job of playing that John Stewart video. Some website in New Zealand announced The Bushwhackers. Meanwhile, the sequence of events on the live show is this: Paige’s music hits, and she does her entrance. Sting video. Emma is suddenly in the ring with Paige. The Bella Twins enter. The bell rings after Emma keeps Paige from attacking Brie. Nikki knocks Paige from the apron, kicks Emma in the gut, delivers a facebuster, and wins. Paige and Emma spent more time in the ring watching a video about Sting than they did wrestling from bell to bell, or continuing to develop the Paige vs. Bella Twins storyline. This did nothing for nobody, and, at the risk of sounding like I’m overreacting, reflects rather poorly on a company that is supposedly in the business of promoting strong women. This did not go unnoticed on social media, where R-Truth’s hashtag became #GiveDivasAChance and trended, of course, without mention. The fact that I gave the match an F isn’t a reflection upon the performers involved, but on the way the situation was presented. It suggests either a belief that what the women are doing isn’t valuable, or that they don’t have faith in their ability to perform up to a television standard. I’d suggest that both are wrong and misguided and, if the fault lies anywhere for the lack of a reaction the Diva’s division is getting this early in 2015, then it’s on whoever decided to shutter the program between Nikki and Brie from last year, re-teaming them without explanation, and moving them into yet another storyline that’s a mashup of the Bellas’ usual we-look-better-than-you angle, the challenger’s usual I-don’t-look-like-your-typical-Diva angle, and liberal doses of both the Crazy Chick gimmick and a character’s insistence that her rival(s) can’t wrestle. Last year, Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon had a match that was practically one of the main events of SummerSlam. It was good, it told a story, and, when it ended, the earth upon which the loser stood was not salted. Live audiences popped huge for that angle, were engaged with AJ Lee and Paige, and so on. But you don’t even have to look that far back in history (or to the alternate universe that is NXT) for an example of a women’s match on the main roster that was good: On the 1/6 edition of Main Event, Nikki and Paige had a very good match that should be used as the measuring stick for the division. Instead, it’s an exception, a thing that’ll happen once every few months for a couple dozen people who look for that kind of thing. #GiveDivasAChance is a warzone (predictably), as trending on Twitter doesn’t equate to unanimous support. But the main arguments against the division, at least when I dipped into the feed, is that the workers aren’t good and the product won’t draw. Well, you can’t prove either with a kick and a facebuster, and you can’t improve on it, either. Regardless of their function as Vince McMahon sees it—eye candy, a rest between big matches and angles, or a trojan horse for a lucrative reality television show—the potential is there for so much more. It’s not about women being given a chance. It’s about giving them a platform.
That being said, the main event was great, full of character development and worked at a similar level as Fastlane‘s main event. Seth Rollins is out first with Kane, Big Show, and J&J Security, and he gives Randy Orton a custom ring introduction befitting a prodigal son. The Authority hang around outside the ring, clapping and cheering Orton, giving his fragile, permanently bruised ego as much of a lift as they can. Meanwhile, Bryan and Reigns continue their own fragile partnership, something that’s a staple of WrestleMania season though not at all stale since this partnership is entirely new. They’ve got some good ideas as for how to work together as a unit, too. Daniel Bryan starts by putting Rollins in a surfboard, then tags in Reigns, who throws his former Shield ally to the mat from that position. The announcers seem to mostly forget that Reigns was in the middle of a program with Rollins when he was lost to a sports hernia, and Reigns wrestles Rollins like nothing too bad happened between them, but Rollins is a smart heel and tags out to Orton as soon as he can. When Reigns tries to outpower Orton, Orton responds to his veteran savvy. He takes a shoulder tackle and responds with a dropkick. During a commercial break, The Authority take over, running a distraction on Roman Reigns that allows Rollins to sneak in a few cheap shots. They work in a rolling series of hot tags and outside interference spots from The Authority that keep the crowd engaged. Though they’ve both been back for a few months, Bryan and Reigns seem much fresher than before, and Orton, in this weird, in-between space where the fans want him to crush The Authority but he’s still just thinking about it, feels like a wrestler worth watching for the first time since he and Evolution feuded with The Shield. Rollins, feeling pretty good about himself because he has a tag team partner who moves a bit quicker than the glacial titans The Authority usually sticks him with, makes a blind tag on Orton while he’s in the middle of a DDT. Orton bails and complains to Kane and Big Show, sitting the rest of the match out. Rollins takes too long to hit the Curbstomp and gets a Superman punch from Reigns. Bryan tags in while Reigns is setting up the spear, and, for the first time in the history of blind tags, Reigns laughs it off and lets Bryan take the victory with the running knee. When Orton gets back into the ring to confront Rollins, J&J Security try to get between the pair. Jamie Noble takes an RKO, and then nothing happens. Seriously. The announce team recaps what just happened, complete with replays, and that’s it. Good thing they only gave the women two moves, because that post-match angle was hot.
Results
Dolph Ziggler def. Wade Barrett via pinfall. GRADE: B
The Prime Time Players (Darren Young & Titus O’Neil) def. The Ascension (Konnor & Viktor) via pinfall. GRADE: C
WWE Tag Team Championships: The Usos (Jimmy & Jey, w/Naomi) def. Tyson Kidd & Cesaro (champions, w/Natalya) via disqualification. GRADE: B
Jack Swagger def. Stardust vis submission. GRADE: C
The Bella Twins (Nikki & Brie) def. Paige and Emma via pinfall. GRADE: F
Ryback def. Curtis Axel via pinfall. GRADE: C
Daniel Bryan & Roman Reigns def. Randy Orton & Seth Rollins (w/The Authority) via pinfall. GRADE: B+
World Wrestling Entertainment decided to re-brand their February pay-per-view event Fastlane to play off the fact that they call the long stretch between Royal Rumble and WrestleMania the Road to WrestleMania. In every documentary I’ve seen about the event, the 31st edition of which takes place on March 29, a member of creative or a wrestler, perhaps Triple H or Vince McMahon, even, will claim that the Road to WrestleMania starts the day after the show, when the exhausted crew gathers in the basketball arena adjacent to the stadium they’d just occupied and begins plotting out the next episode of Raw. This was true once, perhaps, before World Wrestling Entertainment was the only game in town, before it had to fill five hours of broadcast television and yet more for their online outlet, but the days of WrestleMania being plotted out a year in advance have been over for some time. If anything, it’s called The Road to WrestleMania because that’s when the pieces for the show really start to fall into place. The fallout from the big show may string things along until SummerSlam, but everything from that August show until about the Royal Rumble is about the promise that WrestleMania will be worthwhile.
This year, unable to promote an Elimination Chamber event because the titular construction is expensive to set up in arenas that can’t easily accommodate it, Fastlane held the promise, due to its punning title, of accelerating the company’s storylines heading into WrestleMania. One problem (the problem) is that the WWE hasn’t had much in the way of success with many of its storylines of late. Really, they’ve been treading water since Daniel Bryan, fresh off his triumphant double header at WrestleMania XXX, suffered an injury that took him out of the picture for nearly a year. There were glimmers of hope, here and there. Brock Lesnar destroying John Cena at SummerSlam. The finish to Team Cena vs. Team Authority at Survivor Series. Daniel Bryan’s emotional return to Raw and his declaration that he would not have to retire. But 2014 was something of a lost year for World Wrestling Entertainment, and the Road to WrestleMania has been a hard one thus far. Last year, Raw was must-see television. This year, one had to pin one’s hopes to this new, generically-titled pay-per-view to kickstart the build necessary of a show that’ll be held at Levi’s Stadium, that glittering beacon of publicly subsidized, corporately overseen athletic carnage. And, on paper, Fastlane looked like a great card, the sort of show that would get lost because it was between Royal Rumble and WrestleMania, but that would be discovered again and again by those curious enough to put in the time on the WWE Network. To be blunt, that’s exactly what this show was not.
The crowd at the FedEx Forum were pumped for Fastlane for about the first three seconds of Dolph Ziggler’s theme song, then dead from the minute Erick Rowan’s theme hit to the closing stretch of the main event. I can get over a bad crowd (the way WWE has paced their shows over the last year, one has to get over a bad crowd), so I settled in for the expected sleeper classic. And the opening six-man tag team match, with a muddled storyline dating back to November, had me hopeful. Ziggler/Ryback/Rowan vs. Big Show/Kane/Rollins looked like it had no reason to be on this (or any) card, despite how much I dig Ziggler, Ryback, and Rollins. After Ziggler’s win at Survivor Series over the Rollins-led Team Authority went nowhere, another meeting between these two teams in any configuration was the last thing I wanted. Ryback, a physical freak who won me over by being a physical freak, may be the most improved wrestler of the calendar year. Erick Rowan, himself a huge man, may prove to be the most surprising. The story of any match involving The Authority is that they always have the numbers advantage and have more of a reason to stay a cohesive unit. Seth Rollins is on another level when it comes to his ability to put together creative, amazing sequences. Early, he rolls out of the way of a Ryback splash and has his curbstomp countered into a big powerbomb. Later, he looks to hit Ryback with a blockbuster, but is caught in the Shellshock. These are big, impressive spots to be landing in what’s essentially a throwaway match to end (hopefully) a long stagnant feud, but Rollins is so good that he’s able to elevate whatever material he’s given. In the end, though, it’s a nice bit of double teaming from Kane and The Big Show that gives The Authority a somewhat surprising win. After the match, a five-on-three assault (J&J Security are involved, of course) is too much for Ziggler, Rowan, and Ryback. Just when things seem hopeless, Randy Orton finally returns, dispatching the majority of The Authority with his RKO. Waaaaaay back in November, Triple H officially chose to back Seth Rollins over Orton, leading The Authority to injure his former Evolution running buddy. This is his revenge, though it’s hardly complete. Rollins was pulled from the ring by Big Show, and he ran at top speed to the parking garage. Orton vs. Rollins seems like a lock for WrestleMania, and it should be a good one. Where it leaves Ziggler, Ryback, Rowan, Kane, and Big Show is a mystery that’ll either be solved over the next five weeks, or during the catch-all battle royal that exists to eat 20-minutes of time at the show.
Backstage, Dusty Rhodes is with his son Dustin, garbed, as he customarily is, as Goldust. It’s been hard times for the Rhodes family of late, what with Cody going crazy and figuring that he really is the cosmic entity known as Stardust, but Dusty doesn’t want Dustin beating up his youngest son too badly. Love, Dusty Rhodes believes, is what will heal this freshly developed rift. Goldust, however, doesn’t think so. To bring Cody Rhodes back, he’s going to have to beat Stardust out of him. This match, Dustin Rhodes vs. Cody Rhodes or Goldust vs. Stardust, is what I’ve been waiting for since Goldust came back for yet another WWE run, and in the best in-ring shape of his career. It seems to be the one Dustin wants to retire on, too. This match, then, was crushed somewhat by the weight of expectation, as well as by a serious error on the part of referee Rudy Charles. Everything is good, at least in the early going. Stardust’s new gear, essentially his Goldust tribute gear without a top, was a nice, weird twist on his brother’s most famous look, and the psychological aspect of the contest—Stardust getting distracted by “CODY!” chants, Goldust using his experience to outsmart his brother, Stardust taking advantage of Goldust’s reluctance to cause any serious damage to take control—was quite excellent, especially as a first chapter. The WWE’s dead crowd problem plagued it, though, as did the finish, which saw Goldust roll Stardust up and the referee make a two count before calling for the bell. Usually, mistakes that happen during the course of a match can be worked through. The referee forgetting how to count to three, however, is egregious. That’s the function of a referee. The look of confusion on Goldust, Stardust, and even Dusty Rhodes’ face at the end of the match was not good. Stardust was able to redeem things a bit afterwards with another killer promo on his family and how Cody Rhodes died when Dusty sent Goldust to fight Cody’s battle against The Authority. His beatdown of Goldust, complete with one last no-look kick after the promo, saved their night.
The WWE Tag Team Championship, like everything that isn’t the World Heavyweight Championship, are albatrosses, title belts that are spoken highly of on commentary but which doom their owners to the relative obscurity of four or five minute matches on Raw and SmackDown!. The “art” of tag team wrestling has largely been lost (Vince McMahon reportedly isn’t a fan, and most teams don’t stay together long enough to build anything like real chemistry), but The Usos are a solid enough foundation for a division that always seems to be in the midst of a rebuild. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are “the best new tag team we’ve seen in awhile,” meaning “the tag team we are focusing on this month.” This match stems from the scripted marital drama of Total Divas, where Natalya is seemingly always on the verge of ending things with her husband Tyson Kidd, and Naomi is enjoying her new marriage to Jimmy Uso. Natalya thought it would be fun to have a double date with Jimmy and Naomi, but Tyson Kidd invited Cesaro along (their relationship being an interesting one, too), and the ensuing altercation at a “restaurant” gave us this match. Kidd and Cesaro are still a new team, but they seem to be meshing well. Cesaro’s power and Kidd’s speed are impressive when combined, particularly on moves like Cesaro’s deadlift superplex and Kidd’s slingshot elbow drop. They spend most of the match working on Jimmy’s leg. Cesaro even alters his swing so that he whips Jimmy Uso around by the damaged leg before sinking in a single-leg crab. It’s good stuff, then it falls apart when The Usos go into their comeback. It’s hard to explain why, but it just does. The flying Uso stuff leads to some convoluted action at ringside highlighted by a Samoan drop into the crowd barricade, and then Kidd manages to win once the match moves back inside the ring with a fisherman’s neckbreaker. The Kidd/Cesaro/Natalya character work continues when Cesaro pulls his partner away from a celebratory kiss with Nattie, but it’s tough to say where any of it is going. Tyson and Natalya have been playing a will-they-or-won’t-they game since Kidd re-debuted on Raw last year, and the Cesaro stuff gives the angle the appearance of a love triangle with Kidd being pulled between the affections of his wife and his tag team partner. That can’t be where they’re going with it, though, so we just have this weird angle where one member of a tag team was trying to respect dinner and the other brought his angry, well-dressed friend as a third. Now we enter the period of title feuds where the former champion talks about automatic rematch clauses. How exciting.
The face-to-face meeting between Triple H and Sting existed as a means of setting up their match at WrestleMania. Really, the whole “confrontation” was had on Monday, when Triple H shoved his sad, old mentor Ric Flair to the ground after Flair insinuated that Triple H was perhaps taking Sting too lightly. We got the gist of Triple H’s issue right there: Sting’s a WCW guy. WCW has been dead since the year 2001. But in 2014, Sting finally showed up to a WWE event, temporarily causing Triple H to lose control of a company that he sees as his and his family’s legacy. So he came out to Fastlane not in his suit and tie, but in his tough guy leather jacket, with his hands taped so heavily he could hardly make a fist. He went through those talking points again, which brought out Sting. Without his WCW music and with 18 years between him and his 1997 peak, all silent, “Crow” Sting accomplishes at this point is to give us a match between Sting and Triple H without being given a reason for the guy’s reemergence. WWE is calling him “The Vigilante” because Batman, but really? The injustice Sting chose to fight was the off chance that some big dude in a sheep mask might be fired for losing a wrestling match? Triple H tries to catch Sting off guard, but his play to grab his customary sledgehammer allows Sting to grab his trademark baseball bat, which he backs Triple H up with by sticking it to his throat. Sting says that he wants a match at WrestleMania, which he gets. Triple H’s second attempt at attacking Sting ends with him getting hit in the gut with the bat and dropped with the Scorpion Death Drop. This segment existed to give Sting a reason to point at the great WrestleMania logo in the sky with his baseball bat. Even today, it seems the general consensus is that Sting vs. The Undertaker is the preferred match-up, but this overlooks two crucial facts: Sting’s last great match probably happened in 1994, and The Undertaker wasn’t having great matches until around 1996. Of any “marquee” guy who can still have the occasional match, Triple H, garbed as Ric Flair’s protegé, is the one most able to do something with a 55-year-old man whose shine and mystique were largely wasted through a decade spent in TNA. Of all the “realities” wrestling has to face now, the biggest one is that a name like Sting’s “disappearance” can be explained by Wikipedia. Sting’s “legacy” has long been tarnished, and a match against The Undertaker at WrestleMania, even without The Streak on the line, is not how one rebuilds a legacy. I don’t have much faith that a Sting/Triple H match will be any good, let alone coax Sting into wrestling without wearing his goddamn t-shirt, but Triple H is smart enough and driven enough as he ages and starts to write his own legacy that he’ll get out of Steve Borden whatever he has left.
Sting and Triple H were going to be a hard act to follow even if the crowd was feeling it, but after a revisionist history of WCW lecture and a 30-second brawl that left two middle-aged men winded, the FexEx Forum was practically somnambulist for both the WWE Diva’s and Intercontinental Championship matches. To be fair, it’s not like they were given much reason to care about either, beyond the cult charisma of Paige, Bad News Barrett, and Dean Ambrose. While I am bone tired of women’s storylines centered around one woman or another not looking like a supermodel, the Bella Twins are rather natural heels, so it makes sense that they’d try to embarrass the pale “Anti Diva” by spray tanning her, stealing her mall punk gear, and so on. Tiresome but sensible is not high praise. The two had a great match on Main Event last year, and Nikki is nose-to-nose with Ryback for most improved wrestler, but nothing clicked here. Just a pile-up of moves until the Raw women’s match finish of a surprise roll-up. They tried to use a GoPro camera to show that Nikki had Paige’s belt, but a) if she cheated, she barely cheated, and b) if you’re going to wear stupid stuff in the ring, expect to have it used against you. Really, 90% of any Paige/Nikki Bella match should be Nikki trying to rip out Paige’s body piercings. Over on the men’s side of inadequate championship matches, Dean Ambrose wanted him some of Bad News Barrett because he thinks that the Intercontinental Championship should be worth something, and Bad News Barrett, on his fifth reign, hasn’t done much to raise that title’s prestige. That’s a fair enough critique, I suppose, though it really doesn’t help the previous few years of booking to point out how poorly the Intercontinental Championship has fared. Barrett’s a talented dude and Ambrose remains one of the more fascinating guys on the roster, but this match had nothing going for it. Nothing. Dean Ambrose is an UNHINGED LOOSE CANNON, but his spots are so routine you could compile a supercut of John Bradshaw Layfield saying that dropping an elbow on a standing opponent is crazy. Rudy Charles, already the goat for his performance during the Goldust/Stardust match, looks pretty bad again when he disqualifies Ambrose for beating Barrett up too much in the corner, ignoring the count which skips from three to five without much drama. That finish, I swear, is the worst thing the WWE has come up with over the past 10 years. What does it accomplish? Ambrose looks about as confused about the disqualification as Goldust was by his victory. He continues to stomp at Barrett, hits him with Dirty Deeds, then leaves with the title. Did he steal it, or did he give it back to Barrett backstage? I guess we’ll find out on Raw. Speaking of which, Bray Wyatt cut a live version of his pre-taped Raw promos on The Undertaker, this time employing the Deadman’s entrance music, druids, and casket motif. I really like Wyatt in the ring, but after a few years of hearing him speak I’m past the gimmick, which is pretty much listening to a sophomore in a dumb hat talk about Nietzsche. That’s not exactly Wyatt’s fault and he does it well, but he’s in a situation where they really need to pull the trigger on his winning a big, meaningful match or two, something to build on the following he’s managed to build and sustain despite every obstacle. A classic against The Undertaker at WrestleMania would help. Whether or not The Undertaker is capable of one at this late stage will remain unknown until March 29.
This was a wasted show until the United States Championship match. I say that as if the title matters, but really, it’s just the garnish to John Cena vs. Rusev, WWE’s spin on Rocky IV where Cena, fifteen time champion of the world, must play Apollo Creed first before he can become Rocky Balboa. John Cena has been the end game for Rusev since the Bulgarian debuted on the main roster during the Royal Rumble, and his rise serves both as a crucial ray of light in an otherwise dark period of WWE storytelling, and as proof that wrestling’s oldest formula’s still work. Cena, throughout this contest, is treated as an aging fighter whose best years may be behind him, as if he roundly crushed every wandering monster who passed his way. That’s not necessarily true, but the thought of Cena as a less than sure bet because he’s an old-model heavyweight against a guy like Rusev is appealing and works very well. Rusev and Cena hurl themselves at each other for nearly twenty minutes—even Rusev’s rest holds look snug enough to cause some damage. Where plenty of Cena matches lately have made his Attitude Adjustment finish look like an automatic two count until the twenty minute mark, Rusev’s strategy is to effectively avoid the move altogether, to counter out and hit Cena with one of his big, bruising strikes. Cena, meanwhile, needs to avoid Rusev’s Accolade. That a camel clutch works as a finish in 2015 is nigh miraculous, but Rusev and his opponents are able to make it look like a struggle. Mark Henry managed to shed a single tear for America before tapping out to it, and here John Cena pays a tremendous amount of respect to the big stomp Rusev uses to set the move up, rolling away or countering it into his own submission, the STF. John Cena’s character is never going to pull an about face and the boos he gets are never going to be the WWE’s intent, but its interesting to see him grow as a character in other ways. Getting older, for example, or the way he’ll add a new move to his arsenal because he knows everybody expects two shoulder tackles, a power bomb, a five knuckle shuffle, and an Attitude Adjustment. Here, it’s a tornado DDT that catches Rusev off guard, not to mention the rarely seen Crippler Crossface. Rusev is able to break that with his bare hands. He’s actually able to effectively counter or kick out of most of Cena’s bombs. When Cena finally lands the AA late in the match, it’s a triumph. When Rusev kicks out, it’s a surprise. The Accolade that finishes the match is great, due largely to Cena’s positioning and facial expressions. When Cena digs down deep and manages to stand with Rusev on his back, gets into the ring, United States Championship in hand, and argues with the referee. This gives Rusev an opening to kick Cena between the legs, kick him again in the face, and reapply the Accolade. Thus compromised, Cena is unable to fight back, and the referee has to call for the bell. This is a great match, one that leaves a little left in the tank for WrestleMania. I see criticisms of Rusev’s storylines all the time online, usually with the hashtag #RusevIsAFace, that say Rusev is either a bad heel or the folks who book his routine are stupid because he’s a proud immigrant with a smart woman by his side who wins most of his matches cleanly, and so on. That’s a fine argument for a smart fan to make, and there may be some merit to it, but most of the folks packed into a 15,000 seat arena aren’t “smart,” or, if they are, then its in the sense that they know this proud immigrant is a super athlete whose every action is meant to glorify the regime of a political figurehead who has committed a good number of human rights violations. Against John Cena, Rusev has moved beyond the tenants of Cold War wrestling storytelling by attacking the institution of John Cena. He’s a heel all the way, from the lack of respect he shows John Cena at the start of the match to the way he kicks him in the dick at the end. Cena’s Rocky moment is coming, and I can’t wait.
For most, however, the prospect of a good WrestleMania began with and was ended by Fastlane‘s main event, Daniel Bryan vs. Roman Reigns with a shot at Brock Lesnar and his WWE World Heavyweight Championship on the line. During the pre-show, Paul Heyman, interviewed by The Miz, said that his client didn’t care who won the main event. Daniel Bryan has the adulation of the crowd and Roman Reigns has the family pedigree, but Brock Lesnar has an inhuman desire to destroy every human he sees in a wrestling ring. Paul Heyman’s suggestion that the entire WWE roster line up to fight Brock Lesnar for the title was no joke: Lesnar is an otherworldly presence, and he is here to destroy the WWE Universe. It’s been obvious from the start that Roman Reigns would be the one to challenge Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, but Bryan was thrown in there to complicate things a bit by insinuating that he deserved a championship rematch, which, considering the circumstances under which he was stripped of the title last year, he certainly does. In my opinion, Daniel Bryan hasn’t been written too well since his return. He was booked poorly during a very bad Royal Rumble match, then came out on Raw as a man who felt so entitled to a championship match that he’d play The Authority’s game just for a shot. Reigns hasn’t been done any favors either, but he needed something to further validate him in the eyes of a die hard audience of Daniel Bryan fans who are never going to cotton to him and will go into WrestleMania chanting “YES!” until they’re blue in the face. So we’re given this match, its outcome dreaded and certain. What happens?
Well, first off, Daniel Bryan returns to the throne he abdicated to Seth Rollins as the best overall wrestler in WWE. Seriously. This is his first match of true consequence since returning, and he kills it, leading Reigns to what will likely stand as one of his best matches at the end of his career, but that probably isn’t even top 20 for Bryan. Too many times in “wrestling” matches, the competitors go through the motions of chain wrestling, working through wristlocks and hammerlocks and headlocks until some dude in the crowd yells “WRESTLING!” to get the crowd clapping politely. From the start, this is a fight. Daniel Bryan is the wrestler. Roman Reigns is the brawler. Bryan can and does outwrestle Reigns, but the Royal Rumble winner makes the former champion fight for everything. Daniel Bryan claims to have mastered over 100 submission moves. Focusing on Reigns’ legs, he breaks out more than a few, but those often bring him close enough to Reigns that one or two stiff shots are enough to cause a break. Reigns can live with Bryan that close, but needs space so that he can land his big moves, the spear and the Superman punch. The first time he goes for the punch, Bryan is able to sidestep Reigns and kick him in the stomach. This staggers Reigns for the rest of the match, as Bryan’s more pronounced mean streak comes out and his kicks move from trying to charlie-horse a leg to trying to make a man vomit. Reigns stays on his power game, though, powerbombing Bryan after blocking an attempted top rope rana and stopping a suicide dive with a belly-to-belly suplex. Despite that, Bryan is always a step ahead, always the veteran wrestler. He moves just in time to avoid a spear, sending Reigns into the ring steps. He counters a spear with a small package after being knocked for a loop by the Superman punch. Bryan seems to clinch the match with the running knee, but Reigns is the first to kick out of it. From there, the two take it into another gear. Daniel Bryan kicks Reigns in the face until Reigns catches the foot and dares Bryan to do something. Bryan responds with a number of slaps, but Reigns is having none of it until Bryan goes for a cross armbreaker. When that doesn’t work, Bryan transitions into the YES! Lock, which Reigns manages to slip before laying Bryan out with some nasty forearms. The sequence gets even better from there, with Reigns over a seemingly prone Bryan, as the wrestler manages to surprise the brawler with a triangle choke attempt. Reigns uses his overwhelming power advantage to pick Bryan up off the canvas with a sit-out powerbomb. After an eight count, they exchange punches and kicks from the ground until Bryan gets the advantage and hits his big kick to Reigns’ temple. This is the set-up for a second attempt at the running knee, but Reigns recovers while Bryan is mid-sprint and manages a spear, which sends him to WrestleMania. Nobody is happy about this finish, but that does nothing to diminish what is a great effort on the part of two men. One found his footing again and is in good position for another chase at the championship depending on what his WrestleMania program is. The other pulled his weight, too, so much that any doubt about his ability to perform at a high level on a big stage should be assuaged. Should be, but who knows. Reigns is still wrestling with the crutch of The Shield supporting him. He’s still got their music, their entrance, and their gear. What he doesn’t have, even at the end of the night, is the crowd’s support as a WrestleMania main eventer. The WWE has five weeks to make that happen. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how you see it), every move the WWE has made since WrestleMania XXX goes to show that, in wrestling, even just one week can feel like an eternity.
Results
Seth Rollins, Kane, and Big Show def. Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, and Erick Rowan via pinfall. GRADE: B-
Goldust def. Stardust via pinfall. GRADE: C
WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Tyson Kidd and Cesaro (w/Natalya) def. The Usos (Jimmy and Jey, w/Naomi, Champions) via pinfall to win the titles. GRADE: C+
WWE Diva’s Championship: Nikki Bella (w/Brie Bella, Champion) def. Paige via pinfall. GRADE: C-
WWE Intercontinental Championship: Bad News Barrett (Champion) def. Dean Ambrose via disqualification. GRADE: C-
WWE United States Championship: Rusev (w/Lana, Champion) def. John Cena via referee stoppage. GRADE: A-
Roman Reigns def. Daniel Bryan via pinfall. GRADE: A
Quietly, the WWE has done a very good job of building up to Fastlane, which they’re billing as a “new pay-per-view concept” though, really, it’s just a regular pay-per-view without the usual February Elimination Chamber main event. The lack of a Chamber match, I think, is the reason why Fastlane is so compelling. The WWE calendar is littered with pay-per-views that are branded by one kind of match or another that the matches themselves, no matter how violent or how good, feel more inevitable than special. Without the crutch of putting six guys in a goofy chain-and-plexiglass rig with the absent WWE Championship on the line, instead what we have is the supposed fast lane on the road to WrestleMania. Considering how slow that road has felt thus far, having a date on the calendar where everything will supposedly get back in gear feels like a blessing. “Quietly” in this case also means “glacially,” especially compared to the stretch between last year’s Royal Rumble and WrestleMania, when nearly every Raw had a standout match or segment. Raw will need to pick up the pace sooner rather than later, but, as the last show before a pay-per-view that looks, on paper, like the strongest card since SummerSlam, the WWE does a good enough job of getting everybody in place.
That includes Rusev, who gets trucked by John Cena in the opening segment. This is not the first time a foreign monster has charged the 15-time WWE Champion with losing a step before Cena Rises Above Hate and proves him wrong. I doubt it will be the last. Since the beginning, it seemed like the endgame for Rusev was going to be a loss to John Cena, who, quite honestly, is going through the motions at the start of Raw. Every John Cena promo from 2007 forward is thrown in the blender. Cena loves the WWE. He loves when fans cheer him. He loves when fans boo him. He hates that there is a monster out there who isn’t from America and who can’t be beaten, and he promises to destroy him. This brings out Rusev and Lana, who are, really, a politicized make-over of the old Armando Estrada/Umaga pairing from 2008, an act that has risen above cartoon parody to become one of the most enjoyable aspects of a show that is frequently hard to enjoy. Lana in particular continues to evolve, relying less and less on the merits of Vladimir Putin and the Raw audience’s hatred of being told to shut up (by a lady who ain’t from here to boot!) and more on the merits of her freakish charge, who I also enjoy on the microphone. Rusev is a blunt object used to smash the opposition, a warhammer who only knows how to kill. John Cena’s gambit is that bringing Rusev down relies on taking the fight to him, which he does by charging up the ramp and hurling the burly Bulgarian into a panel of LED lights. Beyond some shoddy camerawork (really, why would you zoom in and out on bodies in motion?), the physicality of Cena vs. Rusev was quite satisfying. Cena proved his point about his strategy, but wrestling matches don’t work like street fights. Whether or not his plan will work when a referee calls for the bell is the story now, and it’s a good one. Rusev’s mystique isn’t compromised unless he’s pinned or he taps out to the STF. Only an idiot would pull the trigger on that at Fastlane.
The rest of Fastlane‘s undercard was built solidly here, as well, with the exception of the upcoming match between Paige and Nikki Bella. That should be a good match (Nikki Bella is easily the most improved wrestler on the main roster over the past year), but its plot is stuck in the muck and mire of the past ten years of the Diva’s division. It was actually somewhat brilliant when the Bella Twins attacked Paige and spraytanned her, as Paige had been clinging to the frankly stupid notion that simply not looking like a model made her better than all the other Divas. But now we’re in the usual Bella Twin holding pattern where they’re “pranking” (read: assaulting or stealing from) Paige in a variety of ways designed to brag that they look better than her. This week, they steal Paige’s clothes, which forces her to wrestle a match against Summer Rae while dressed in a Rosebud’s clothes. Considering that Paige kills Summer Rae handily, it hardly matters. Women have also factored into the Tag Team Championship storyline between The Usos and Tyson Kidd and Cesaro, as a blown double date between Kidd and Jimmy Uso and their respective wives Natalya and Naomi (sample line: “I’m here trying to respect this dinner”) led to a husband and wife mixed tag team match. The mainstream format of such matches is really dated, but Kidd’s unwillingness to wrestle Uso leads to three good minutes between Natalya and Naomi. Naomi, as is standard in non-title Divas division matches, wins with a roll up, allowing The Usos to celebrate that they got one over on their rivals while continuing to build on the will-they-or-won’t-they saga that is the relationship between Kidd and Natalya. Right now, it wouldn’t be at all surprising if Kidd left Nattie and got an apartment uptown with his buddy Cesaro, but I’m probably just authoring mental slash-fiction. Probably. The tag team division has been a long-running quagmire, but the Usos vs. Kidd and Cesaro match looks enticing, and the Prime Time Players reunited when Titus O’Neil stormed to the ring to help his returning buddy Darren Young escape a whooping at the hands of The Ascension. With the Miz/Mizdow team slowly breaking up, The New Day entrenched in the wasteland that is their racist gimmick, and tonight’s official dissolution of the Rhodes Brothers/Stardust and Goldust, a full-time return of the Prime Time Players, who always seemed on the verge of making some noise in the division, is a good thing.
Speaking of Stardust and Goldust, this Raw, like most, was built around promos. There was John Cena’s opening promo, Triple H’s Ric Flair-assisted promo about a confrontation (read: promo) with Sting at Fastlane, and the promise of Dusty Rhodes addressing the problems between his sons (not to mention the usual Seth Rollins interview). Only Dusty didn’t speak much and, of all the interviews, tonight, the one that most stole the show was Stardust’s declaration that Cody Rhodes was dead and never coming back. Dusty Rhodes’ are shoes no man can fill, but Stardust stood there, painted purple and silver and wearing a rubber suit, and delivered fire right in his father’s face. Stardust has, to this point, felt like a needless, pandering rip-off of Goldust, which was unfortunate given their role in the early iteration of the Authority storyline, but on Raw Stardust was given a purpose and a mission. It’s obviously impossible to separate the character from the Rhodes lineage, but it’s good heel motivation coming out of a brother/brother tag team, and this all should culminate in the Rhodes vs. Rhodes match that Goldust has been rather open about wanting to retire on.
Dusty looked (and is) old, but still acquits himself rather well. That’s less true of his lifetime rival Ric Flair, who surprised Triple H mid-speech to remind him that Sting, ancient old man or not, is still Sting and needs to be respected. Flair sounded drunk, but getting drunk and talking about his glory days is pretty much his job now, so he did well enough that Triple H shoving him on his ass felt sad because The Game was disrespecting a legend he openly admires, not because Flair’s condition continues to darken his legacy. Fallout from Sting’s debut at Survivor Series continues to be the theme heading into Fastlane, as Dolph Ziggler and Seth Rollins seem to be moving into a singles program. Rollins’ promo, unnecessary though it was, signaled that he is being shifted away from the WWE Championship for the time being to focus on the Zigglers, Rybacks, and Rowans of the card. Ziggler continues to be an unconvincing babyface on the microphone, (I’m not interested in white meat, I guess) but an incredible one in the ring. The match between Rollins and Ziggler was good. Not up to the pace they established at Survivor Series, but a good teaser for what the two should be able to do without distraction. They’ll wrestle on SmackDown! in this week’s Raw rematch, though another contest at Fastlane (and perhaps another at WrestleMania) isn’t out of the question.
Beyond Rollins/Ziggler and the main event between Big Show and Daniel Bryan, most of the wrestling on Raw this week as an afterthought. Even a singles match between Dean Ambrose and Luke Harper, while solid, existed more to set-up a later contest than to tell its own story. There were plenty of good spots, but Harper is wandering aimlessly at the moment, and WWE doesn’t do a very good job of protecting big dudes who aren’t in an active storyline. Harper lost clean to Ambrose to establish Ambrose’s credentials against current Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett, who beat Damien Mizdow in a match that nudged forward the issue between Mizdow and The Miz. Barrett was fantastic when Ambrose ziptied him to the ringpost and forced him to sign the contract, screaming for a knife to cut himself free and how it wasn’t his signature on the sheet and that the contract wasn’t legal. Had they cut bait on a weird skit where Ambrose “auditioned for Weekend Update,” announcing that he’d make Barrett sign the contract, everything on this front would have been great. Barrett is an effective heel, and, well, if Ambrose is going to be a goofy dude whose popularity the writing team doesn’t understand or know how to harness, he’s best when his goofiness is channeled through a bit of menace, rather than a bad suit. The Intercontinental Championship is always on the verge of meaning something. What matters more than Barrett vs. Ambrose at Fastlane is whether or not the issue continues to build, or if the title reverts to its usual miserable pattern, where the champion loses every non-title match until he is required to defend the title.
The confrontation that will set up Sting vs. Triple H at WrestleMania is an important part of Fastlane. Bray Wyatt’s continued promos that are (vaguely) about The Undertaker (this week he hammered some nails into a coffin) continue to be important. Those are two of the marquee matches at WrestleMania. They are happening. There is no turning back. Less certain is the fate of the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, currently held by Brock Lesnar. He’ll be there, defending, but his opponent is yet to be decided. Roman Reigns earned a shot by virtue of winning the Royal Rumble. Daniel Bryan feels that he deserves one because he was stripped of the championship in 2014 without having lost it and, as he points out, made only one fewer defense of the championship. Reigns wrestled Kane and Bryan wrestled Big Show, but the matches and results were secondary to the simmering issue between the two men, which threatens to boil over into something personal in the main event of Fastlane. After an interview where Reigns questioned the manhood of Bryan for going about a championship match by asking for one instead of earning it, Bryan came to ringside for Reigns match and participated on commentary, where he did a very good job of making clear how slighted he felt by Reigns’ assessment of the situation. He thought there was mutual respect between the two, but there clearly wasn’t. When Reigns had an advantage over Kane, Bryan would stand and lead the Orlando crowd in a YES! chant, which succeeded in distracting his man. Reigns won the match, but not in his usual dominant fashion, and Bryan would later say that, if he wants to beat him, Reigns had better get used to the crowd being in Daniel Bryan’s pocket. During the main event match between Big Show and Bryan, Reigns sat at ringside and watched (he didn’t join the commentary team, for good reason). Reigns took to the crowd, signing autographs and giving away t-shirts, and this caused Daniel Bryan no end of distraction. An exchange near the announce table led Big Show to spear Reigns, who would recover and hit Show with the Superman Punch with Daniel Bryan perched on the top rope for a missile dropkick. With the match over, Bryan would instead hit Reigns with the dropkick, sparking a brawl that closed the show.
This sequence was fantastic, a sprint around the ring and through the crowd that ended in a pull-apart with Reigns bleeding from the mouth and Bryan seething. Initially it looked as though they were going to do with Roman Reigns what they did with Batista last year, turning the hand-chosen WrestleMania main event guy into a heel due to the overwhelming popularity of Daniel Bryan, but this year is much more vague than last. Batista was universally despised from the moment it was clear that Daniel Bryan was not in the Royal Rumble, but Reigns plays pretty well in all but the hottest towns in wrestling. And where Batista had little reason to respect Bryan, Reigns has some respect for the former champion, not only for his in-ring accomplishments and what history they had together when The Shield clashed with Team Hell No, but for his resilience in the face of a career ending injury. But both men want to fight Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania, and it doesn’t look like there will be an opening for a third man in the main event, so that respect had to give way towards animosity with so much on the line. Daniel Bryan is a master at his craft, so the reemergence of his pre-rise mean streak has been subtle and brilliant. The wrinkle that they’ve added to Reigns’ story, that he’s trying to accomplish something not even the most legendary member of his family could achieve, is the most compelling angle Reigns has had since The Shield folded, and has managed to find some interesting space here, too (the t-shirts he was throwing to the crowd were Uso shirts, after all). What initially seemed like a capitulation on the part of WWE in the face of post-Royal Rumble fan revolt has turned into their best story since the SummerSlam domination of John Cena. The match at Fastlane will be telling in Reigns’ ability to become what the WWE so obviously wants him to be, but for now, the table is set. Sunday night will be an interesting one for a number of reasons, none moreso than this. For the WWE to pull itself out of the rut it has so clearly been stuck in since September, Fastlane is going to need to be that rare February pay-per-view that’s more about wrestling than WrestleMania. For once, the uncertainty surrounding a pay-per-view event feels like a good omen.
Results
Dean Ambrose def. Luke Harper via pinfall. GRADE: B-
The New Day (Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods w/Big E) def. Goldust and Stardust via pinfall. GRADE: C+
Roman Reigns def. Kane via count out. GRADE: C
Paige def. Summer Rae via pinfall. GRADE: C-
Dolph Zigger def. Seth Rollins via disqualification when J&J Security interfered. GRADE: B
Darren Young & Local Talent vs. The Ascension never officially started. GRADE: N/A
Bad News Barrett def. Damien Mizdow (w/The Miz) via pinfall. GRADE: C
Jimmy Uso & Naomi (w/Jey Uso) def. Tyson Kidd & Natalya (w/Cesaro) via pinfall. GRADE: C+
The Big Show def. Daniel Bryan via disqualification when Roman Reigns interfered. GRADE: B-
First, CM Punk on The Art of Wrestling. Somebody sent me a question through Date with a Wrestler asking what I thought of Punk and his position on the WWE. I may or may not write a more robust post on this later, but here’s some brief thoughts:
All I want for any wrestler is to get out on their own terms and to be happy with their decisions. It seems thats what CM Punk did. Good for him.
I never had an issue with him leaving. He is, indeed, an independent contractor, free to “take his ball home” if and when he so chooses. He’s not harming anybody through his decision to not wrestle. If anything, it seems like he would have been harming himself were he to continue under conditions that made him unhappy and were dangerous to his health.
If anything comes out of this (and, sadly, it won’t be a union), I hope it’s that WWE starts to treat the health of its wrestlers as something more than an obstacle to be overcome for the sake of the next segment. The stuff that they did in the wake of the Chris Benoit murder/suicide was nice on a public relations front, but if all you’re worrying about is public relations, something is going to come along and submarine whatever minuscule changes you’ve made to get the public off your back. Fix it now. Hire better doctors. Don’t pressure people back into the ring before they’re ready. Give the people who actually make you money comprehensive health insurance. Treat your workers like they’re members of the family you claim they’re a part of.
I may also eventually get around to Vince McMahon’s (non-) rebuttal on the WWE Network, where he walked around on eggshells and said that he wanted to work with CM Punk again in the future. I suspect that, had he listened to The Art of Wrestling, he may have been less forgiving. I’m also really, really interested in McMahon’s take on Cesaro’s position on the card, given that you could argue he was the second hottest wrestler in the world after Daniel Bryan before, during, and the day after WrestleMania. His lack of success since probably has more to do with the direction the writers pushed his character in than the fact that he’s Swiss. But we’ve got an overly long wrestling show to cover, featuring the return of the most derided authority figure in the history of that singularly awful trope, so let’s get to it.
BEFORE THE SHOW:
If you want to check out more Raw reviews, do so here.
Social media garbage: I am at @gh0stplanet. Follow me if you wish. I’ve got a few wrestling Tumblrs you may enjoy. Those are Date with a Wrestler and Wrestling Fashion. Also, you can follow Fear of a Ghost Planet on Facebook, if you dig it. You should dig it. Ohh, yeah.
I’m sure you have friends who will be impressed that somebody can write 5k words about a wrestling show. Why not share this post with them? There are buttons to the side and at the bottom to do all of that.
The show starts out on a sour note immediately, with Michael Cole receiving an e-mail from the Anonymous Raw General Manager. Nothing could be more exciting at the start of a wrestling show than watching Michael Cole read text off of an aggressively hideous laptop. Nothing could be further from the truth than that last sentence. The Anonymous Raw General Manager says that he should be back in charge because he’s respected industry-wide and doesn’t have a name or a face, but before he can make his matches for the night, John Cena hits the ring. Tulsa loves the guy. There’s a dude in a cameo cowboy hat and Steve Austin shirt doing loud, monster truck rally, C’MON LET US HEAR YOU whistles, and he’s in his mid-40s at least, which serves to illustrate that, when it comes to wrestling, it doesn’t matter what the gigantic cities want. It’s all about Real America, and zero people are as Real America as John Cena.
John Cena isn’t happy to see the Anonymous General Manager back in action. But he is happy with his team from Survivor Series. Still. Even though it’s been a week. Cena is going to tell us why he’s proud of his team, which is unnecessary because Survivor Series is already a distant memory, but the General Manager sends another e-mail. Cena backs Michael Cole away from the laptop and partially closes its cover. His team’s victory was too important to be handed over to a machine. But now it’s Seth Rollins’ time to interrupt John Cena. He compliments John Cena on his many talents. One of them is taking credit for things he didn’t do. Like with the match at Survivor Series. This is a good point. Rollins, in fact, eliminated Cena from the match, and probably would have won were it not for (the man called) Sting. Cena reminds Rollins that Dolph Ziggler almost beat The Authority on his own, and that he would have done it, too, were it not for Triple H. Cena is here to give credit where credit is due. But Seth Rollins isn’t here to recount history; he wants to know if WWE is better off without The Authority. The crowd seems to think so. Rollins tries to name some GMs who might be worse than the Anonymous Raw General Manager, and boy does he flounder. JBL gets a pop. Batista gets a meh. Eric Bischoff gets a moderate pop. We’re living in chaos, he says, only we’re not because that’s not how wrestling works. If they made an effort to promote that WWE shows were a chaotic wasteland without Triple H and The Authority at the helm, then maybe this would make sense. But Team Cena vs. Team Authority changed nothing. Raw is still Raw, and that’s all it is. I remember, not too long ago, when Raw GM William Regal shut the cameras off 15 minutes early and smash-cut to a rerun of Law and Order. That’s the sort of chaos that might make this angle work, but instead we’ve been treated to two weeks of philosophical debate between two dudes who need to shut the hell up and fight already. Cena’s not bringing The Authority back, Jack, so whatever.
Cena talks over the Anonymous Raw General Manager’s instant message noise, but Michael Cole can’t ignore its siren song. The GM books a Tables Match between Rollins and Cena, the worst possible goddamn match ever. If Cena loses at TLC, he’ll lose his number one contendership to Brock Lesnar’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship. This gets Cena salty, and the distraction provided by Cole’s reading an e-mail allows Rollins to attack. But Cena fights back quickly, taking Rollins and his security out before Kane enters the ring and hits him with a chokeslam. Rollins goes under the ring for a table, because it’s a metaphor, goddamn it. Ryback sprints to the ring and saves Cena, hitting all of the bad guys with his signature moves. But Kane recovers and starts hitting Ryback with a chair. This, too, is a metaphor, as he’ll be taking Ryback on in a Chairs Match, which is also awful. Erick Rowan hits the ring now and clears it, only to be attacked by The Big Show. He picks up the ring steps and smashes Rowan in the face with it. Dolph Ziggler rushes the ring and takes Big Show out, then tries to put a ladder in the ring. This is also a metaphor, as Luke Harper takes Ziggler out and the two will have a Ladder Match at TLC (which might be good. You never know). Cena tries to fight everybody off, but he can’t. Rollins and his security team put Cena through a table with The Shield’s old triple-powerbomb finisher. This. Took. Twenty-one. Minutes.
Back from break, John Cena is seen stumbling to the back as WWE doctors check on he and his team. The Anonymous Raw General Manager doesn’t care about the health and safety of his employees, and has thus booked two matches: Rowan vs. Big Show, and Ziggler/Cena/Ryback vs. Rollins/Harper/Kane. Oh no.
Tag Team Turmoil to Determine the Number One Contenders to the WWE Tag Team Championship: This is a gauntlet-style match, where two teams fight until one wins. Then the winning team faces the next team, and the team that wins that encounter goes on to another match, and so on. First up, we have Goldust and Stardust against The New Day. The New Day didn’t make their promised debut on Raw, but on SmackDown! instead. Michael Cole says that the trio are “a lot of fun,” so I guess in deciding which direction they were going to take with Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods, and Big E., they went with smiling, dancing, black stereotypes. Noted. I really can’t explain how terrible their entrance— which is all HAND CLAPS and GOSPEL CHOIRS and GIGANTIC SMILES—is, so here’s a screencap of everybody posing in their hideous powder blue gear:
They pretty much gave all three men Rocky Maivia’s SMILING, HAPPY PEOPLE gimmick, hoping that it doesn’t get eaten alive. Or maybe they hope that it will. More likely, this garbage will be met with indifference. They determine who will wrestle via a game of Odds and Evens, and it’ll be Kofi and Big E. Kofi takes over on the Dust Brothers early and tags Big E. in. They’ve got some big, exuberant double-team moves. Goldust chops Big E.’s knee and tags his brother in. Kofi makes a blind tag on Big E. while Stardust is running off the ropes. Big E. catches Stardust and hoists him in the air, then he and Kofi bring him crashing down to the canvas. This move is called “The Midnight Hour,” I guess, which makes me think of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer,” which had a black Jesus in the music video, I guess? Goldust waits around to see if his brother can kick out, but they can’t, and that’s it for the former champions. (Goldust and Stardust are eliminated.) Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are out next, accompanied by Natalya. This would be exciting if there were an actual plan for either. But they’re just here to fill space. Cesaro muscles Kofi Kingston up and over for a belly-to-belly suplex and tags Kidd in. Kidd kicks Kofi Kingston in the chest and chokes him against the ropes. He bridges on the chinlock, which rules. Kidd bodyslams Kofi Kingston and takes his sweet time following up, which lets Kofi make the tag to Big E.
Kidd catches a charging Big E. with a kick to the gut, but Big E. hits Kidd with a belly-to-belly and wipes the sweat from his brow with a handkerchief that he’s got in his singlet. Michael Cole says that I’ve got to love this, but, uhh, I don’t. Big E. hits Kidd with an Ultimate Warrior splash and looks for the Big Ending, but Cesaro gets involved. Big E. takes them both out and tags Kofi in. Big E. launches Kofi Kingston over the top rope and to the outside, where he crashes down on Kidd and Cesaro. Kofi rolls Kidd back into the ring and goes for a springboard forearm. He connects. Goldust and Stardust return and attack Big E. and Xavier Woods, which distracts Kofi enough that Kidd is able to roll him up and hold the tights. The New Day is over before it even began. (Kofi Kingston and Big E. are eliminated.) Beyond putting The New Day into a feud against Goldust and Stardust, there is no reason for them to lose this match. None. Especially to a team that isn’t a team. Cesaro and Kidd celebrate for a bit, but The Usos are out next.
Jimmy Uso and Cesaro brawl, but Cesaro’s strength is unreal and he’s able to quickly throw Jimmy Uso around like he was nothing. He celebrates a bit early though, and Jimmy takes over. He hits Cesaro with his running butt smash and tags Jey Uso in. Cesaro isn’t fazed for long though, and quickly tags his partner in. Tyson Kidd gets in the ring, but Jey gains the advantage back quickly. Cesaro tags in without Jey Uso seeing it, just before Kidd hits the floor. Jey Uso goes for a dive, but Kidd is using Natalya as a shield (this is something the cameras miss), and Cesaro sneaks up from behind with a German Suplex. He gets a two count. Back from break, Cesaro and Kidd are still in command. Not for long, however, as Jey fights back and tries to tag out to his brother. Cesaro prevents this with a powerbomb and brings Kidd back. Jey thwarts a double team effort but is taken down by Tyson Kidd, who hurts himself on the move. This allows Jimmy Uso to get back in and take Kidd out with a Samoan Drop. Cesaro saves the match for his team before the three, then is clotheslined over the top rope by Jey. Jimmy Uso tries to get Tyson Kidd back into the ring, but Natalya prevents it. Kidd goes for a springboard Flying Nothing and gets superkicked and splashed for his effort. Cesaro is taken out with a dive, and Jimmy pins Kidd. (Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are eliminated.)
This brings out Adam Rose and The Bunny, so fuck everything. Adam Rose sends his Exotic Express away because they’re getting paid by the hour or something, and this is what it comes down to: The worst gimmick in wrestling against a pair of competent tag team wrestlers. Start up the dumb bunny joke machine. Adam Rose gets rolled up, but kicks out. Why? Why prolong this agony? Rose manages to gain an advantage on Jimmy Uso, and we cut to the back, where Naomi is just casually watching the match, by herself.
Her marriage to Jimmy Uso is only important if you watch Total Divas or are the kind of backwards asshole who defines a woman by who she is married to. WWE is counting that you are both of these things, so Naomi will be the focus of the feud between The Usos and The Miz/Damien Mizdow. Jimmy, meanwhile, gets spinebustered by Adam Rose. He has everything under control, so naturally The Bunny tags himself in and nearly gets superplexed. But he counters and hits a sunset flip powerbomb. Now Adam Rose tags himself in. THE BUNNY WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. Rose gets superkicked and splashed, and, mercifully, it’s over. (Adam Rose and The Bunny are eliminated.) WINNERS: The Usos via pinfall. Grade: C
There’s nothing great about Tag Team Turmoil or gauntlet style matches. No real drama, and no real thought given to the booking. If this was being used to move The Usos into a match against Miz and Mizdow, then why not just run the angle where The Miz hits on Naomi and skip the bits where you devalue your new team (The New Day), expose the glaring holes in your roster by sticking a first time team into a match for a shot at the titles, and continuing the Rose/Bunny affair? Backstage, The Miz joins Naomi in the vacuum where one watches Raw on a television dangling from space. Mizdow is with her, bearing his replica belts. The Miz congratulates Naomi on her husband’s win and says he voted for her on the WWE App to be AJ Lee’s partner later on tonight. What a scumbag, right? Oh wait, he’s impressed by Naomi’s twerking in a music video, so yeah, fuck him. Naomi is pretty pumped that a white dude digs her dancing, though. Miz offers Naomi a contact with a Hollywood producer and gives her his card. Mizdow gives her an invisible one. In the carpark, Vince McMahon steps out of a limousine. This gets the biggest reaction of the night. Seth Green will be hosting next week’s Raw, which is the Slammy Awards. And I’m supposed to be excited about this for some reason.
Some dude interviews Erick Rowan, who is still fiddling with his Rubik’s Cube. The interviewer has done some investigating and has discovered that Rowan has an I.Q. of 143. Borderline genius. He’s a classically trained-guitarist and an award-winning vintner. Rowan nods as if this has been true all along and says that he’s going to fight The Big Show because The Big Show is a bully. He then hands the guy his finished Rubik’s Cube. I…I dunno. They’re trying a bit hard, but I guess they’re trying. Big Show makes his way to the ring and says that Rowan is right, he is a bully. Because he has to be one. People, after all, have been betraying him his entire life. Now all The Big Show cares about is hurting people. That’s rad.
The Big Show vs. Erick Rowan: Despite being a classically-trained guitarist, Rowan’s entrance music is some weird swamp garbage. JBL thinks that Rowan’s large fingers are the reason he’s able to solve the Rubik’s Cube so quickly. Rowan takes Big Show out quickly, forcing him outside the ring. JBL starts calling Rowan “Big Red” and tries really hard to make it happen. Trying too hard to make things happen is a theme. Meanwhile, Big Show’s crafty ring generalship is enough to outsmart the borderline genius, and he takes Rowan out with a clothesline. Show bullies Rowan around, because that’s what he likes to do. Another clothesline puts Rowan down, and Big Show sinks in the cobra clutch. Rowan fires back with some clotheslines and splashes of his own, finally sending Show over the top rope with another clothesline. It doesn’t matter how many times I see it: Watching Big Show spill over the top rope to the floor is always impressive. On the floor, Big Show reverses a whip and sends Rowan careening into the stairs. He then smashes Rowan with them and is disqualified. Winner: Erick Rowan via disqualification. Grade: C+
This wasn’t bad, but it’s being used to build to a Stairs Match, which is a thing that doesn’t exist. The stairs, I guess, are another metaphor. What they symbolize is your undying commitment to the WWE Network and contrived gimmick matches. Backstage, Vince McMahon is wandering around aimlessly. He comes to the realization that The Exotic Express was a bad idea.
His power tie might be the worst fashion choice in this frame, which is saying something considering that there’s a white dude in a sombrero and polo shirt poncho. Renee Young intercepts Vince McMahon and tries to ask him about the state of the WWE. But Vince blows her off and says that he’s happy he could whistle, but that he can’t whistle because he never learned how. I have no idea why he said that. He’s pumped up about being on Steve Austin’s podcast. Podcasts are not a thing Vince McMahon knew about before tonight. When asked about bringing back The Authority (why anybody cares when Raw is proceeding as usual, I don’t know), he says that it’s not in his hands. In his hands (cue evil Vince hand motion from when he bought out WCW) is Stone Cold Steve Austin. All Vince McMahon is here to do tonight is relive the glory days, Renee. They recap last week’s AJ Lee/Bella Twins deal to put over the fact that WE HAVE THE POWER to decide AJ’s partner against the inexplicably reunited Bella Twins. Our options are Natalya, Naomi, and Alicia Fox. Your winner, as dictated by an earlier segment, will be Naomi.
Fandango vs. Jack Swagger: The New and Improved Fandango, aside from being one more thing that the WWE is trying hard to make everybody like, is actually the same Fandango as before, just without heat. His new dance partner, Rosa Mendes, might be worse dancing than she is wrestling, but since she never wrestles who knows. Jack Swagger’s music hits, but Swagger doesn’t come out. Backstage, Zeb Coulter is gripping his leg while Swagger acts poorly, asking nobody for a doctor. In the ring, Fandango smiles and accepts his victory. Winner: Fandango via forfeit. Grade: N/A
Michael Cole criticizes Fandango for taking the win, which was totally not something Fandango had planned for, because here’s Rusev and Lana. Fandango waltzes away unscathed, however, as Rusev has no time for anything but Jack Swagger. Lana recaps last week’s events. If you remember, Rusev was forced to recite the American pledge of allegiance, lest he be entered into a battle royal to defend his title. Rusev refused, so he took on 19 other men on SmackDown!. Rusev won, however, giving Lana a reason to call America pathetic. Rusev has the microphone and goes into his Drago routine. He is the man. He claims to have broken Zeb Coulter, which, considering how horrible that character is as a face, might be considered a mercy killing. Lana recites a pledge of allegiance to Rusev, and it’s the first bit of promo she’s done that I absolutely hated. Lazy, terrible parody writing. Just do whatever they do in Russia. Jack Swagger makes for the ring now to avenge America and his tea party daddy, hurling Rusev into the barricades a number of times before the referees pull him away. There’s not much reason to revisit this feud beyond a noticeably thin talent roster, and the crowd reacts like they’ve seen it all before. Which they have.
Damien Mizdow (w/The Miz) vs. Fernando (w/El Torito): They did a pre-show angle where El Torito stole one of Mizdow’s fake titles, but he already has it back. The bell rings and the crowd starts chanting for Mizdow, and the way he sells surprise is pretty tremendous. Damien Sandow has always been one of the more underrated guys on the roster, so I’m glad that he’s still making the most of this otherwise horrible situation. Mizdow out-wrestles Fernando and gets a one count off a trip, but Fernando’s quickness enables him to take over. Meanwhile, The Miz talks about how he wants to help Naomi. Mizdow gets a two off of a backslide, and Fernando gets a two off of a clothesline. Fernando applies an armbar, but misses a Stinger Splash. Mizdow takes Fernando out with a pair of clotheslines and The Miz’s backbreaker/neckbreaker combo, then kips up from it, which is impressive for a dude of his size. The crowd digs it. Mizdow goes for the Skull-Crushing Finale, but Fernando rolls out of it. Fernando goes for a sunset flip, but Mizndow counters into a Figure-Four Leg Lock! Mizdow’s facial expression is so good that Fernando has no choice but to tap out. Winner: Damien Mizdow via Submission. Grade: B-
This was a good squash, but it would have been even better had Mizdow tried to imitate Miz doing guest commentary. I guess, in a way, this match breaks Mizdow’s character, but that’s not a bad thing. Maybe they’ll start evolving Mizdow. Maybe they’ll realize that he’s the hot hand right now in the midcard and continue to feature him. Maybe, but probably not. The Miz, as ever, is the long-term project here. Mizdow’s just along for the ride unless the crowd continues to dig him. Jimmy Uso comes out, and The Miz is like “Oh man, he’s here to thank me for appreciating his wife’s talent,” but that is not how the world or wrestling or marriage in the context of the hypermasculine universe both our world and the world of wrestling work, so Jimmy hauls off and decks The Miz. The way he smiles before he does it is the most charismatic thing he has ever done. Someone in the crowd yells “Kick his ass, Sea Bass,” and I can’t imagine it’s because he’s seen Dumb and Dumber To. Damien Mizdow watches on from the ring, absolutely confused, and The Miz sells this like he’s absolutely terrified, which is the right response to being assaulted. Jey Uso checks the situation while wearing a hoodie, so you know this is not official Uso business. This is personal. This is about his wife. I tend to get uncomfortable about feuds in wrestling that involve wives, because the language of marriage in professional wrestling is still very much the language of ownership. The Miz maybe stepped his bounds in telling Naomi that she twerked well (because Jesus Christ, white dudes should not be talking about twerking), but this is something Naomi did in a public context to further her career. Jimmy Uso, if he’s that bent out of shape about it, should be tracking down every dude who watched the video so he can punch them in the face, too. But The Miz offered Naomi some help in advancing her career (which is necessary, since the WWE isn’t going to do it for her), and this is what has Jimmy angry. They try to sell it as The Miz hitting on someone’s wife, but really it comes across as Jimmy being insecure in his masculinity. Michael Cole supports this theory without meaning to, suggesting that The Miz should have given his producer’s business card (not his business card) to a Diva who wasn’t seeing anybody. JBL mentions that The Miz is married to an actual, real life model, which is true. But if this angle leads to Jerry Lawler getting punched by every dude for saying creepy bullshit about every woman on the roster, then I might support this garbage.
Bray Wyatt vs. R-Truth: The most impressive thing about this match will be Bray Wyatt’s entrance. The thing that sucks about Bray Wyatt, aside from WWE’s unwillingness to just run with him and see what happens, is that he only ever wrestles in squash matches, like this, or big matches, like the one against Dean Ambrose at TLC. There are no even contests for him except the ones on pay-per-view, so it’s tough to get a sense of how his character has evolved in the ring, if it has at all. This is important, since Wyatt has not evolved as a character outside the ring, despite the numerous setbacks he has faced. I’d argue that his character is stagnant (though it shouldn’t be), but the audience still loves him. Even as handicapped as the character has become through the writers’ fear of what he represents (the unknown, that which fits no mold), he’s still the most unique individual on the roster. It’s fitting that he’s in a feud with Dean Ambrose, since Ambrose is in the exact same position. Wyatt assaults R-Truth to begin the match, calling out for Dean Ambrose. Truth avoids a splash, but gets taken out with a clothesline. JBL continues to say that Wyatt and Ambrose were trying to “out crazy each other.” If only that were true. Lawler says that the two of them together would be “cray-cray,” presumably because he watches The Disney Channel to stay young and hip. This match is an absolute vacation for Wyatt—Truth’s only offense is a hope-spot that sees him hit two moves that I vaguely remember being his finisher at one point in time, but Wyatt gets back up from both immediately to feed for more. He misses a scissor kick and gets taken out with Wyatt’s uranage. Wyatt pushes Truth to the ring apron and DDTs him onto it. One yoga back bend and Sister Abigail later, and it’s over. Winner: Bray Wyatt via pinfall. Grade: B-
JBL says that “Sister Abigail” is a great name for Bray’s finish, but doesn’t say why. Without the context provided by Wyatt’s character, it’d actually be terrible. R-Truth rolls out of the ring while Bray begins to put the implements for a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match into the ring. This, the metaphor we’ve been using all night (and last week) for Vince McMahon’s plea to us watching at home to just buy the WWE Network already, confuses Michael Cole. When we come back from commercial, Wyatt is in the ring, sitting under a ladder in his rocking chair. He tells us about Jacob’s ladder. I can’t find any video evidence of this promo, but Cactus Jack once said that “If the Gods could build me a ladder to the heavens, I’d climb that ladder and drop a big elbow on the world.” Bray Wyatt is good, but no promo about climbing ladders is going to top that one. Jacob’s ladder led to Jacob’s maker, and at the top of that ladder Jacob was promised that he’d always be safe. But that’s not what Bray Wyatt’s ladder leads to. Nobody is up there for Bray. He climbs the ladder and laughs at all of us. He laughs at Dean Ambrose. And he sees tables, ladders, and chairs. This brings Ambrose to the ring, and they brawl. It’s not particularly spirited, but it’s there, reminding us that these two will be having a very dangerous match on the WWE Network, and that, I guess, is what counts. For me, the most agonizing part of Raw is that every feud is built the exact same way. A man cuts a promo. Another man interrupts him. They fight. One of them gets the advantage. The next week, someone else gets the advantage. The only thing distinguishing the build to Ambrose/Wyatt from the one leading to Jack Swagger/Rusev is that Dean Ambrose broke a rocking chair and Rusev broke an old man. Swagger and Zeb Coulter are life partners, but that rocking chair was sacred to Bray, goddammit. Dean Ambrose finishes the segment by standing underneath the ladder, and that, too, is old and tired and expected.
The Bella Twins vs. AJ Lee and Naomi: They are never going to explain why The Bella Twins are back together, I guess. I mean, Brie’s insubordination got Nikki beaten up for months, which caused Nikki to turn on her sister and sell out to Stephanie McMahon, which led to months of Nikki having Brie beat up, which led to a match where Brie had to be Nikki’s personal assistant if she lost, which she did, so she dressed up like a butler and served her tea and was made to look foolish… but now everything is okay again, and we’ll never know why. Forget about those videos where Nikki was super sour over Brie stealing her prom date, guys. Twin magic conquerers all. Naomi wins the fan vote because wrestling is rigged. AJ’s running gimmick since she became an actual player is that she’s never been successful in tag competition, but that gimmick is over starting now. Nikki and Naomi start the match off, and Nikki takes Naomi to the mat with a vertical suplex. This gets a one count. Nikki dropkicks Naomi, and it’s the last dropkick she should throw for awhile because it was not good. Brie tags in and continues the onslaught, hitting Naomi with a running back elbow smash. Michael Cole only remembers the 30 days where Brie was Nikki’s personal assistant, because he has the memory and attention span the WWE assumes its fans possess. Nikki gets back into the ring and clotheslines Naomi as the “CM PUNK” chant starts. THEN SOME FANS START CHANTING “AJ LEE.” Bless. Jerry Lawler has been informed that he can never say “cray-cray” again, and while Lawler is talking about himself Naomi flips out of a back suplex and tags in AJ Lee. The former Diva’s Champion flies at her rival with a Thesz press. She follows with a splash/neckbreaker combination, knocks Brie off the apron, hits Nikki with a pair of knees and a tornado DDT and gets a two count for that sequence, as Brie is able to make the save. Nikki then gets dropkicked by Naomi, and Naomi should continue throwing dropkicks because it’s a skill she has. AJ Lee throws Brie out of the ring and hits Nikki with the Shining Wizard. She puts Nikki in the Black Widow, and that’s all she wrote. Winners: AJ Lee and Naomi via submission. Grade: B-
This is more indicative of the time and attention they give to the women’s division, but that might have been one of the best five women’s matches on Raw in 2014. Backstage, Santa Claus (who sounds suspiciously like Mick Foley) plugs WWE’s Cyber Monday sale. I only mention this because Santa Claus sounded suspiciously like Mick Foley. There’s a bunch of recap of Michael Cole reading e-mails, recaps also being a big reason why Raw drags and drags and drags, but hey, Paul Heyman is here!
He heard what John Cena had to say about Brock Lesnar not being around defending his title every week. Heyman says that Brock Lesnar is like Christmas, and you don’t do Christmas 365 days a year. Lesnar is can’t-miss, must-see talent. Cena, should he get past Rollins, will have to fight a fresh, well-trained Brock Lesnar, and that’s a fight Cena can’t possibly win. But if Cena loses, who becomes the number one contender? Seth Rollins? Lesnar’s a bit salty about the curb stomp, so good luck, pal. The Undertaker? That, too, would be ugly. Sting? If Sting and Brock Lesnar fought, it’d be Sting’s retirement match. Then Heyman says to make the whole WWE roster the number one contender and to line them all up in front of his client. That would rule, because it’s pretty much the only way Cesaro is going to get a title shot at this point, and because I could picture Brock Lesnar on a throne made from the cleaned and polished skulls of the entire roster, everything burned around him, end of wrestling. And considering that the highight of this show thus far is a medium-shot of a middle-aged talent agent suggesting hypothetical opponents who will never step into the same ring as Brock Lesnar, ending wrestling sounds like a mercy killing. According to Paul Heyman, the man who has the WWE World Heavyweight Championship has all the power. That power, obviously, is Brock Lesnar. His power is undisputed. Kneel before him and tremble, ye mortals.
John Cena, Ryback, and Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins, Kane, and Luke Harper: I have a feeling that this is going to be the least of the six-man tag team main events presented by the WWE this year. They’ve been an unexpected strength of the product in 2014, but Rollins and Harper were elements of those great matches between The Shield and the Wyatt Family, and not the only dudes carrying the ball. During the five minutes it takes for everybody to get into the ring, Michael Cole mentions for the seventh time that TLC “is WWE’s version of demolition derby,” because we’re trying to get the wrestling over as a niche, hobbiest endeavor. Luke Harper and John Cena begin the match, and Cena starts off by punching the hell out of the Intercontinental Champion, knocking him to the mat a few times. He drags Rollins into the ring and locks in the STF. Beyond the fact that he “cost” Cena his rematch against Brock Lesnar, the beef between these two is synthetic at best. Cena’s STF is broken up by Harper, who is thrown to the mat by Cena for the interruption. He tags in Dolph Ziggler, and the two hit a double dropkick. Ziggler covers Harper, who kicks out. Harper manages to tag out to Kane, and Ziggler brings Ryback in. These two, as mentioned, will have a Chairs Match (which, as mentioned, is a thing that should not exist), so Ryback is beyond pumped to test himself against an old dad in business slacks. Ryback Thesz presses Kane, dribbles his head like a basketball, and hits his splash for a two count. Kane gets Harper back into the match, but Ryback can’t be stopped by any ol’ dirty swamp monster and clotheslines Harper for a one count. Harper gets Seth Rollins into the match for the first time, and he takes over on Ryback. He’s out as quickly as he’s in, though, and Ryback wastes no time in turning the tables on Luke Harper. The two exchange blows in the corner until Harper goes for his suplex/punch. Ryback blocks it and goes for a suplex of his own. He holds Harper up… and we go to commercial. In the ring after the break, Ryback gets another suplex in, garnering a near fall. He tags Dolph Ziggler in for the first time, and he gets a sleeper in on Kane. The sleeper is broken up when Kane runs backwards into the turnbuckles. Kane tries to charge at Ziggler, but he gets dropkicked in the knee and falls face first into the turnbuckles. Ziggler continues building momentum until he tries a double ax-handle, which Kane counters with an uppercut to the throat. Kane gets a two count and tags in Seth Rollins.
Again, Rollins tags out quickly to Harper, who gator rolls the former Intercontinental Champion and cinches in his chin lock. Ziggler fights his way to the corner, but Harper chops Ziggler in the throat and does his suplex/punch in before tagging out to Kane. Ziggler’s got nothing for Kane, who obliterates the Survivor Series hero with a clothesline before hitting him with a knee to the gut. He tags Rollins into the contest, and he whips Ziggler from corner to corner. Rollins brings Ziggler down to the mat with another chinlock, and Ziggler fights out with a jawbreaker. Rollins goes for a splash and misses, and Ziggler tags in John Cena. Cena immediately goes through his routine and lifts Rollins for the Attitude Adjustment, but Rollins slips it. Luke Harper isn’t that lucky though, and he gets drilled. Kane enters the ring, and he eats a double suplex from Cena and Ryback. With things in disarray, Rollins’ security squad attacks Cena, and Rollins covers him for a two. Kane still has the advantage after the commercial, getting another near fall after a sidewalk slam. Cena powers out of a chinlock and dropkicks Kane into a tag from Luke Harper. Harper gets into the match and lifts Cena for a back suplex, but he changes course, instead throwing Cena face-first to the mat. It’s worth two. Harper lays in another throat thrust and tries to whip Cena across the ring. Cena counters and sends Harper into the turnbuckles instead. When Cena gets up, however, he is met with a superkick. Harper tags Rollins in, and he climbs the turnbuckles and hits Cena with a flying punch. Rollins does some trash talking, and it allows Cena a brief bit of hope. He charges for his corner, but Rollins is there with a clothesline. Cena breaks his way out of a rear chinlock, but Rollins clubs him on the back of the head and puts him in the corner. He goes for a splash, but Cena moves. He dives across the ring and tags Dolph Ziggler in. Harper’s in as well, but Ziggler is on fire, clotheslining everyone he sees and eventually hitting Harper with the Fameasser for two. The match breaks down again, everybody in the ring, and John Cena dives onto the pile. He tries to hit Kane with the Attitude Adjustment, but Kane gets out of it for the first time in years and kicks Cena in the face. Everybody starts exchanging high impact moves “out of nowhere!” and Harper finishes sequence with a black hole slam for another near fall. Harper tries to follow with a sit-out powerbomb, but Ziggler has too much momentum and manages to counter with a sunset flip. That catches Luke Harper off guard, and the referee counts the three. Winners: John Cena, Dolph Ziggler, and Ryback. Grade: B
Harper is up immediately, and he knocks Ziggler out. Now all six men are in the ring and Cole calls TLC a demolition derby again. Stop. Stop, please. Just stop trying to make stupid phrases happen. The Big Show sneaks into the ring and headbutts the world. Erick Rowan charges the ring with an extra set of ring steps and starts taking out the bad guys. Big Red is what they’re going to call him now, which is a mistake. Big Show tries to double chokeslam Rowan and Ryback, so he ends up eating everybody’s finish. Rowan picks up the stairs and, with three men holding an already knocked out Big Show, gets his revenge from earlier in the night. Despite Ziggler winning and Rowan getting the last word, John Cena’s music plays to end the show. Oh wait, it doesn’t end the show at all because Steve Austin is just hanging out in a nightmare world of Tetris blocks and skulls, drinking a coffee, a Coors Light, and a bottle of water before his podcast with Vince McMahon.
Last week, the WWE inexplicably decided to turn Ryback heel and face within the span of the evening, shortly after bringing him back to a surprisingly loud face reaction. Luke Harper stepped into Ryback’s spot on Team Authority, though, so their Survivor Series team is set at the beginning of the show as Seth Rollins, Kane, Mark Henry, Rusev, and Harper. All of the heels. It would have been more interesting, perhaps, if Team Authority was the actual Authority: Rollins, Kane, Triple H, and the security duo of Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble. But that would make The Authority decided underdogs, and only John Cena is allowed to overcome the odds. So Rawbegins with Triple H, Stephanie McMahon, and their assembled superteam addressing the fans, covering the evolution of WWE authority figures. Triple H points out, quite accurately, that it’s odd that Vince McMahon gets support from the fans when he once ruled the WWE with an iron fist, doing his damnedest to suppress what the fans wanted so he could run the company in his image. Now, he says, that’s what he and Stephanie McMahon are doing; the evil emperor has beget the evil empire. Triple H says that, without them, WWE would quickly become WCW. I mean, Vince McMahon could come back and run the place, appoint a new General Manager, or we could do away with the long dead, buried, exhumed, and beaten corpse of the evil authority figure for good, but it makes plenty of sense that the world ends for Triple H if he’s not there running it. It’s what he’s been gunning for his entire life, he got it, and he’s never letting go. Like all of Triple H’s raw-opening promos, there’s a lot of good logic and subtle heel work—Stephanie McMahon even quotes Walt Whitman in relation to Seth Rollins—but it’s slow and noticeably long. The best part is that Luke Harper has dropped his horrible faux-swamp accent and is his own dirty, sweaty man. Oh, and Ryback isn’t on a team. My dude the BIG GUY comes out on cue with a BIG GUY WEIGHTLIFTING BELT and has something to say.
Winner of all the fashion awards.
Ryback’s weird charisma is still more evident in his facial tics and mannerisms than on the microphone, but they’re finally giving him a chance to speak. It’s smart, as if they’re learning from the mistakes WCW made in not evolving Goldberg’s character at all during his 173-0 winning streak. Kane continues his good work as a sycophantic corporate stooge in his halfhearted apology to Ryback while Stephanie McMahon cues up footage from last year (WOAH, LAST YEAR IS A THING THAT HAPPENED) where Cena says Ryback doesn’t have a dick. Very, very smart. If I were Ryback and had to sit through half-hearted Cena comedy, I’d probably decline to join his shitty team, too. Ryback continues to assert that the only team he plays for is his own, and you can hear individual people in the audience groan in displeasure because yeah, it’s stupid to rebuild Ryback as a monster face and then have him waffle on whether or not the dude who lives to fight is going to actually fight. Triple H praises him for being a coward and promises to destroy Team Cena. He does so by announcing Luke Harper vs. Dolph Ziggler for the goddamn Intercontinental Championship.
WWE Intercontinental Championship Match – Dolph Ziggler (champion) vs. Luke Harper: They’ve been building to this via videos of Harper’s eyes going crazy, and by having Harper deliver a knocked out Ziggler to the feet of Triple H and Stephanie McMahon at the end of last week’s episode. Seth Rollins is on commentary and Ziggler is none too pleased to hear that his title is on the line. Harper has an absolutely incredible look to him if you can get beyond his jeans and wifebeater outfit (which is what he wore on the indies, too). There’s something incredibly menacing about a gigantic man who enters a fight with a look of serenity on his face. Ziggler gets taken out by Noble and Mercury before the bell rings, and Rollins hits him in the face with the Money in the Bank briefcase. It’s about decimation, you understand? Ziggler struggles around while the referee checks on him. Dolph gets to his feet and demands the referee start the match. Oh yes, babyface fire. The bell rings and Harper hits Ziggler with a big boot (which misses by a mile, but whatever), but Ziggler kicks out at two. Harper picks Ziggler up and drills him with a sit-out powerbomb, but Ziggler kicks out of that, too. Rollins can’t believe it on commentary, nor should he. Harper goes for another boot to Ziggler, who is in the corner, but Ziggler moves out of the way and Harper goes flying over the top rope and to the floor. Back from commercial, Harper has the advantage despite that setback, hurling Ziggler to the ground by his hair. Harper picks Ziggler up for a suplex, then sets him down and punches him in the jaw. It’s all Harper as he maintains his advantage on the ground, headlocking Ziggler and gator-rolling him around the ring. Ziggler’s quickness allows him a flurry, which culminates in a fameasser (no idea what this “famouser” business is) for a two count. Harper catches a superkick and turns it into a black hole slam for another two count. Ziggler is kicking out of a billion things that look like finishes. Harper goes for his discus lariat and Ziggler hits a superkick for another two! Harper goes for another powerbomb, but Ziggler punches his way out of it. Harper throws Ziggler off, nails him with the discus clothesline, and gets the win! Winner: Luke Harper via pinfall (New Champion). Grade: B
Under different circumstances, that would have been a huge match, but we’re building to a pay-per-view and it’s otherwise just nice to finally have some new blood holding the Intercontinental Championship. Luke Harper is the first member of the Wyatt Family to win a championship, which is just odd to think about given how great those three were together. Harper shakes Rollins’ hand, settling whatever Wyatt/Shield beef may have existed between the two, and Rollins curbstomps Ziggler. Everybody poses over Ziggler’s corpse with their titles and briefcases and whatnot, and nobody blames Ziggler for being stupid enough to take the championship match despite his obvious injuries. The announce team gets hype about “Grumpy the Cat,” because nobody knows how to transition in and out of serious segments to comic relief.
The Kofi Kingston New Day promo plays. Lord knows why. But hey, Kofi Kingston gets to speak! Backstage, The Miz and Damien Mizdow make a pitch to Grumpy Cat, who responds as one expects a cat to respond to a human being: with silence. I’m not sure why this is a popular thing and hope that it’s appearance on Raw means that our long national nightmare is over. Damien Sandow continues to steal the show as Miz’s stunt double. And then the Exotic Express comes out because we need to kill this crowd dead.
Adam Rose vs. Tyson Kidd: The Bunny steals Adam Rose‘s entrance, and this makes Rose angry. This is a rematch from last week, when The Bunny cost Adam Rose everything by going to a frog splash for unknown reasons, which distracted Rose long enough for Kidd to get him in the Sharpshooter. Cole continues to stick up for an adult male in a terrible Halloween suit, calling him a “pretty good athlete in his own right,” which we’ve seen zero evidence for. JBL rightfully mocks this proclaimation. Rose wrestles angrily, kicking the stuffing out of Kidd, but he admonishes The Bunny for breathing and Kidd takes over. Oh, Natalya is there ringside because marriage is his gimmick, but Kidd isn’t the focus here. Rose hits a spinebuster and gets a two. The Bunny starts flirting with Natalya. This distracts Rose (because he is an idiot) who ends up in the Sharpshooter again (because he is an idiot). Rose calls for The Bunny’s help (because he is an idiot), but The Bunny is hitting on Natalya so hard he misses it, so Rose taps out. Winner: Tyson Kidd via submission. Grade: D+
They don’t go anywhere with Kidd and Natalya’s estranged marriage because I guess a man in a bunny costume isn’t exactly a threat to cuckold a pro wrestler. Rose tries to attack The Bunny, but the dude gives Rose the slip and starts humping him from behind. He then hops away, displaying some of his natural athleticism, and pantomimes humping on the stage. And then we get a video of people buying tickets for WrestleMania. The show so far tonight is a good reminder that WrestleMania tickets almost always seem like a crapshoot in November. Daniel Bryan does his YES! chant, which hopefully means his shoulder is good. Please let it be good. Please.
Bray Wyatt comes to the ring, his way lit by thousands of cell phones. Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt is the match I’m most interested in at Survivor Series, so it’s good that they’re going to be in the ring before then—last week’s pre-taped promos were not satisfying at all. Wyatt preaches to the crowd about love, loss, and danger. Poor Dean Ambrose. Minus Harper and Erick Rowan, Wyatt is still a commanding presence on the microphone. He explains his logic in his usual circular way (always on a vague mission of mercy, that Bray Wyatt) and offers Ambrose a chance at salvation so long as he chooses to follow him. Dean Ambrose replies from the back. He’s sick of hearing Bray talk. Instead of charging the ring and fighting, he keeps responding to all the things he’s tired of hearing about. Oh wait, it’s a video recording, and Ambrose is actually in the arena. Bray looks around for Ambrose, who flies into the ring and starts flailing away at him. This year has proven that there is nobody better at making a brawl look wild and out of control as Dean Ambrose, who manages to split his lip. The brawl is brief because they want you to sign up for the Network and watch the match that way. The announcers say that Ziggler was carried out from that match earlier, which might have been a good thing to show on screen. What do I know?
Ryback vs. Cesaro: Poor Cesaro makes his entrance during the commercial break. His task tonight is to lead Ryback to an acceptable showcase match, and I’m pumped because it’s my favorite wrestler vs. my ironic favorite wrestler, even though I know what the outcome is going to be. Cesaro and Ryback go through a chain wrestling routine before Ryback presses the advantage, body slamming Cesaro and hitting him with a splash for two. Cesaro responds with a European uppercut and a suplex, but Ryback gets up first. Nobody at the announce desk notices this because John Cena is Hulk Hogan and Raw is WCW Monday Nitro in 1995. Ryback throws Cesaro to the mat by his head and suplexes him on the rebound. This gets a one count. Cole is kinda worried about the succession plan should The Authority lose, and Cesaro wakes him up by hitting Ryback with an exploder suplex. John Cena is backstage, watching this match on television for some reason. Cesaro continues to work Ryback over, but Ryback gets a Thesz press and plays basketball with Cesaro’s head. This is decent, as good as a Ryback match gets, but the crowd is dead even when Cesaro surprises Ryback with a powerbomb out of the corner. Cesaro double stomps Ryback, gets a two count, and transitions into a headlock. Cesaro deadlifts Ryback into a body slam and takes time to admire himself, which gives Ryback some hope, but this match is all about seeing if Ryback is capable of working from underneath a heel, so Cesaro gets more offense, more than he’s gotten in the past month. Ryback gets clotheslined over the top rope, and when we come back after the break he’s coming back from a headlock. Jerry Lawler calls Cesaro his first name (Antonio), and my heart flutters. Cena continues to watch this match, so the conversation flows back to him and his quest to complete his team. Cesaro goes for a double axe handle, but Ryback shrugs off the weak blow and hurls Cesaro across the ring with a belly-to-belly suplex. It’s all Ryback from there. He shoves Cesaro down, gives him a spinebuster, and is momentarily frustrated in his attempt to hit the Meathook Clothesline. Ryback hits a splash from the second turnbuckle and powerbombs Cesaro shortly thereafter, all awkward muscle, and gets a two. Cesaro slips out of the Shellshock and hits a beautiful German suplex! He keeps the hold locked, but Ryback elbows out of it and Cesaro staggers to the corner. Cesaro dodges Ryback, who charges into the turnbuckle and stumbles back into a second German suplex. Cesaro keeps the waistlock on and hits a third, then brings Ryback up again for a fourth! He bridges into a pinning attempt, but Ryback kicks out at two. Cesaro goes to the top rope and dives off with a perfect Shawn Michaels elbow drop and gets another two. Zero fucks given by the live audience, even for the ridiculous comeback move from Ryback seconds after the elbow drop:
That nets Ryback a two count and an opportunity to hit the Meathook Clothesline. Cesaro counters with an uppercut, then his pop-up uppercut, but his upset bid is stymied when Ryback kicks out. Cesaro goes for the Neutralizer, but the time he takes cracking his neck in preparation for the deadlift is all the time Ryback needs to get him up into Shellshock, but Cesaro slips out of that and gets a two count with a roll-up! Ryback ducks a clothesline, hits one of his own, and catches Cesaro with the Shellshock for the three. Winner: Ryback via pinfall. Grade: B
I thought everything here was solid. Cesaro is one of the three best wrestlers in the world and is capable of putting on a clinic with anybody. That’s what the last three or so minutes of this match were: An incredible display of power move after power move, with a little bit of sweet science thrown in because Cesaro is just too good for words. At the end of the day, Ryback shows he can hang after a year in the wilderness, and Cesaro gets a good showing on Raw. Like everybody else, I’d love it if Cesaro were at the top of the card, but I’m not worried about him at all. They know they have a future fixture in the main event in Cesaro and they can pull the trigger on him at any time. Ryback is being given a second chance with the roster depleted, and his push is more of a now-or-never kind of deal. Backstage, Renee Young asks John Cena about what he was watching on television. Cena, decked out in Hulk Hogan colors, talks about how everybody’s future is on the line. That’s dubious. Cena’s looking forward to the contract signing. Renee wants to know if Ryback is on Cena’s team, but Cena knows he’s on Team Ryback. He seems pretty sad about this, but he told the man a year ago that he had no dick. You reap what you sow, brother.
Rusev vs. Heath Slater: This is a non-title match because Heath Slater is involved. Rusev, who is being booked as the biggest babyface in the history of wrestling but is heel because he’s not from around here, gets actual thumbs downs from the fans sitting ringside, like this is a show being taped in front of a live studio audience at Walt Disney Studios. There is no limit to the awesomeness that is Rusev. Rusev flexes a bunch and kisses his title, because an asshole bad guy shows how much he loves the championship he won fair and square. Before Heath Slater can make it out to the ring, Lana talks about the disrespect shown to Vladimir Putin at the G20 Summit. I suspect a lot of people in the crowd knew what she was talking about. Lana talks trash about Kim Kardashian breaking the internet, calling her our “Socialite Queen” before saying that no American woman compares to her “ravishing figure,” which is really out of character, but whatever. She says she has her own topless photo to show the crowd that will have “all of you American men drooling.” The crowd goes along with her when she asks if they want to see it, and are rewarded thusly:
The sad, straight men in the crowd shake their heads in disappointment while Lana calls them pathetic, because she is the best. This brings out Heath Slater, who is dressed like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. He cuts a pro-America promo on his way to the ring while JBL gets the gag, calling Slater “The Prince of Monte Fisto,” which I want on my gravestone. Slater takes off his jacket, revealing a sparkly vest! Slater calls Rusev a son of a bitch, and Rusev superkicks him right in his stupid face. He stomps Slater in the back, locks on the Accolade, and that’s it. Winner: Rusev via submission. Grade: B-
Rusev celebrates in front of the Russian flag while Slater crawls around on the mat in his rad vest. I realize I’m giving a really high grade to a really short match, but as a segment that was terrific, as every Rusev/Lana segment is. Grumpy Cat is still hanging out with The Miz and Damien Mizdow backstage. Miz is desperate to do a film with Grumpy Cat. Erick Rowan shows up wanting to play with Grumpy Cat, sporting a Reichsadler on the pocket of his shirt. Rowan steals the stuffed Grumpy Cat Damien Mizdow was holding and wanders off. Nobody knows what the hell to do about this.
The Big Show vs. Sheamus: The Big Show comes out for a match against an unnamed opponent, but is met by Stephanie McMahon. Steph has been watching WWE’s fictive documentary series Monday Night War and chastises Big Show for being billed as Andre the Giant’s son, because it’s never too late to make fun of that garbage. Stephanie McMahon points out that The Big Show, despite his size and skill, has always been in someone else’s shadow. She wants Big Show to join The Authority, but should have thought about that before spending the summer making him cry. Her offer is to induct Big Show into the Hall of Fame as an active competitor. He knows the Hall of Fame is a gimmick, brother, but he turns her down. This brings out Sheamus, who calls Stephanie “Mrs. Haitch,” which rules. He’s proud to be part of Team Cena and he can’t be bought either. She wasn’t offering, fella. Stephanie tells Sheamus that he’s not an American citizen and that she might, y’know, just lose his visa and get him deported before Survivor Series. She then books a match between Show and Sheamus, saying that the winner of the match has a chance to win a shot at the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. The two do some friendly grappling in silence. That breaks down quickly though, as Big Show and Sheamus both have quick tempers, and the two get to clubberin’ each other around the ring. Big Show back body drops Sheamus over the top rope and hurls him over the crowd barricade. After the break, Big Show signals for the Chokeslam, but Sheamus fights out of it and clubs Big Show’s chest a few times, getting a two count after a knee drop. JBL is hyped on one of these men wrestling for the title, but it’s more important to Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole that they put that aside and fight for John Cena. Big Show maintains his advantage, eventually locking Sheamus in a very cool-looking inverted figure four leglock.
All of this is pretty good, but slower and less important than the marquee matches they’ve had in the past, and the crowd just is not helping. Sheamus makes his comeback on Big Show, but is cut off by a big boot. Sheamus rolls out of the way of an elbow drop and goes to the top rope. He leaps off, but Big Show spears him out of the skies. Big Show goes for another Chokeslam but Sheamus gives it the slip and hits him with White Noise for a two count. Big Show catches the Brogue Kick an hits his Chokeslam finally, getting a two for the effort. Show climbs to the middle turnbuckle, but Sheamus catches him and lifts Show onto his shoulders, dropping him back to the canvas. With both men down, Rusev and Mark Henry hit the ring. Rusev kicks Sheamus on the jaw and starts kicking away at Big Show, and it appears that neither man will be getting a shot at Brock Lesnar’s title. Stephanie McMahon is a cruel mistress. Winner: No Contest due to outside interference. Grade: B-
Outside the ring, Mark Henry puts Sheamus through the announce desk with the World’s Strongest Slam. Rusev watches, then puts Big Show into the Accolade. It was a set-up all along, dammit. The crowd comes alive to chant for John Cena (which, wow!), but John Cena stays in the back, watching Rusev put Big Show to sleep. What a friend.
Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella: Brie Bella skips out to the ring to AJ Lee‘s music, wearing her clothes, and this has Jerry Lawler very confused because the apparently he can only tell women apart by the clothes they wear. Nikki Bella comes out, and we have an “exhibition match.” AJ Lee comes out non-plussed by Nikki’s mind games and reports to the wrecked commentary table. The fans in the audience chant “CM PUNK” because they’re mutant scumbags. Nikki does some jumping jacks in the ring and gives her sister an arm drag. AJ compliments Brie’s choice of clothes, but doesn’t sound nearly as impassioned about what she’s doing as she did last year. Honestly, that’s understandable. She does a better job talking about the Bella feud than the WWE has with a slew of announcers, writers, and video packages though, so there’s that. Nikki hits Brie with a series of backbreakers and taunts AJ. She tortures her sister, pulling her around the ring by the hair, but AJ distracts Nikki, allowing Brie to roll her up for the surprise victory. Winner: Brie Bella via pinfall. Grade: C-
Their match at Hell in a Cell was much better, but it was telling a different story. After the match, Nikki abuses Brie for disobeying her orders. This let’s AJ slip in and attack Nikki with a running knee. Brie sees that and takes it as an opportunity to do Daniel Bryan’s YES! chant, which is only really interesting here because Daniel Bryan started doing that…when AJ Lee was his valet. Perhaps remembering that, AJ kicks Brie in the gut and DDTs her. She doesn’t care about either Bella, just her title. Very convoluted storytelling.
Big E. Langston appears in these A New Day Is Coming vignettes, doing a decent Jessie Jackson impersonation. But that’s kind of problematic because a crew of white writers are writing black pastor talk for their black wrestlers, with no defined purpose. Just debut the stable, already. Pull the trigger on everything. Stop being slow. Backstage, John Cena decides to ask Ryback to join his team again. He calls Ryback “big man,” so Ryback informs him that his proper nickname is “THE BIG GUY.” Ryback remembers that Cena said he had no dick. Cena says that he saw the footage, as if it was shot in secret and not on last year’s episodes of Raw, but thinks he deserves some credit for at least insulting Ryback to his face. Cena wants Ryback to control his own destiny. Ryback wants Cena to leave his locker room. Cena points out that it’s strange that the dude who wants to eat more is going to shy away from the big kid table. Good stuff.
The Usos & Los Matadores vs. Goldust, Stardust, The Miz, and Damien Mizdow: The WWE has a Breaking News SMS System, and they used it to announce a Fatal Four Way match for the WWE Tag Team Championship. So, as a preview, the four teams involved will be in an eight-man tag, Usos and Matadores against the Dust Brothers, Miz and Mizdow. Even without much of a direction (and minus The Shield and The Wyatts), the WWE’s tag team division is better now than it’s been in some tome. Miz and Mizdow are a great addition to it. Complimenting things The Miz is doing still feels very strange. Mizdow continues aping The Miz on the apron, missing phantom clotheslines and bumping to the floor when The Miz is sent crashing to the canvas. The crowd wants to see Mizdow tagged in, but Miz tags Goldust in. Los Matadores clear the ring of Goldust and Stardust and The Miz, which causes Mizdow to come into the ring, bump for nothing, and slide out of the ring. It’s such a good act that the announcers are laughing legitimately, and not at themselves. Miz goes for his terrible figure four but one of the Matadores (someday I’ll learn to tell them apart, but this is what happens when you put two sibling Puerto Ricians under masks and give them a Mexican stereotype gimmick) rolls him up for a two count, sparing us. Goldust gets in and takes over. It can’t be said enough how great Goldust is in 2014, almost a full 20 years after debuting the character. He works smarter and harder than at almost any point in his career. Mizdow finally gets the tag and hits the ring, getting one of the best reactions of the night, but Miz tags himself back in, getting booed for doing it. Mizdow again remains cool about all of this. Miz’s terrible figure four is thwarted again, but Miz tags in Stardust. The Usos finally get into the ring and go through their routine, which feels too much like a routine because “FLYING USOS” and “USO CRAZY” are rote calls for the announcers. A finisherfest follows, Stardust hits his, and that’s all she wrote. Winners: Goldust, Stardust, The Miz, and Damien Mizdow via pinfall. Grade: B-
They go backstage to Grumpy Cat. Michael Cole continues calling Grumpy Cat a “he” despite his being corrected a billion times. They say she is watching the show, but she’s sleeping the dreamless sleep of any non-fan forced to watch Raw. The circumstances of poor Team Cena are spelled out. Everybody except John Cena is injured due to the evil machinations of The Authority. Next week, Larry the Cable Guy will be the guest host of Raw. Kill me now.
In the main event slot tonight, that time-tested wrestling cliche: The contract signing. For the third or fourth time tonight, we see Team Cena taken out one by one while The Authority make their way to the ring. Ziggler: Curbstomped. Sheamus: World’s Strongest Slammed. Big Show: Accoladed. Triple H gloats about his fortune, saying that The Authority will stand tall because he loves the WWE more than life itself. A touching story. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon give Team Cena a chance to back down and refuse to Rise Above Hate. Team Cena (for some reason not called The Cenation) comes out. It’s just John Cena. Despite the odds, Cena marches down to the ring, looking ready to take on the world. Cena says that his team will win regardless of the setbacks and that The Authority is done. Regardless of what Stephanie McMahon thinks, it’s over, Jack. Because they forgot to take out John Cena. It’s a really good promo, Cena coming with the kind of fire that’s often absent from even his big match promos. He goes around the ring picking fans to join his team. There’s a dude dressed as a nun, a guy decked out as Captain Cactus Jack, and two tiny children. Even with that team, he says, he’s got a shot. His team’s got passion. The Authority is full of suck-ups and sell-outs. Cena starts calling his shots: Kane will go down first because he looks like an old dad stuck in a go-nowhere middle management job. Then Luke Harper, then Rusev and Mark Henry, and, finally, Seth Rollins. And poor Triple H is going to have to sit there and watch it. Stephanie McMahon has enough of that and slaps the taste out of Cena’s mouth. He wants to take the whole team on by himself, but Dolph Ziggler’s music hits because he’s impervious to weeks of beatdowns. Big Show comes down, woken up from his nap, and now it’s three-on-five. That’s 80% of the team, according to Lawler, because fractions are hard. Luke Harper’s music hits, which confuses the new Intercontinental Champion…and Erick Rowan comes down to the ring! His shirt no longer has a Nazi eagle on it, presumably because his conversation with the stuffed Grumpy Cat has caused him to see the error of his ways. It’s a legitimate surprise, one that doesn’t make much sense, but I’m cool with it. Steph gives everybody a chance to reconsider…and CESARO’S MUSIC HITS FOR REASONS I DON’T COMPREHEND BUT THAT I CAN TOTALLY GET BEHIND. OH WAIT, HE SWERVES CENA AND JOINS UP WITH THE AUTHORITY. YES. YEAH CESARO. YOU GO, YOU GLORIOUS ASSHOLE. And then Ryback’s music hits and The Authority gets sad. THE BIG GUY hits the ring and it’s pandemonium to close the show. Triple H stops Cena from hitting the Attitude Adjustment, but he ends up in the ring with Ryback, alone. That allows Cena to recover and put Triple H through a table. Team Cena stands tall while JBL references Don Quixote and everything looks interesting and new and full of potential. It’s a miracle, too, as the show went on in silence for the bulk of its three hours and the main event of a pay-per-view being used to sell the WWE Network to a largely skeptical audience may have been decided by pulling names out of a hat, but I have no idea who is winning any of the matches this Sunday, and that’s the way things are supposed to be.
