Tag: John Cena

Wrestling Review: WWE Raw (11/17/14)

Last week, the WWE inexplicably decided to turn Ryback heel and face within the span of the evening, shortly after bringing him back to a surprisingly loud face reaction. Luke Harper stepped into Ryback’s spot on Team Authority, though, so their Survivor Series team is set at the beginning of the show as Seth Rollins, Kane, Mark Henry, Rusev, and Harper. All of the heels. It would have been more interesting, perhaps, if Team Authority was the actual Authority: Rollins, Kane, Triple H, and the security duo of Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble. But that would make The Authority decided underdogs, and only John Cena is allowed to overcome the odds. So Raw begins with Triple H, Stephanie McMahon, and their assembled superteam addressing the fans, covering the evolution of WWE authority figures. Triple H points out, quite accurately, that it’s odd that Vince McMahon gets support from the fans when he once ruled the WWE with an iron fist, doing his damnedest to suppress what the fans wanted so he could run the company in his image. Now, he says, that’s what he and Stephanie McMahon are doing; the evil emperor has beget the evil empire. Triple H says that, without them, WWE would quickly become WCW. I mean, Vince McMahon could come back and run the place, appoint a new General Manager, or we could do away with the long dead, buried, exhumed, and beaten corpse of the evil authority figure for good, but it makes plenty of sense that the world ends for Triple H if he’s not there running it. It’s what he’s been gunning for his entire life, he got it, and he’s never letting go. Like all of Triple H’s raw-opening promos, there’s a lot of good logic and subtle heel work—Stephanie McMahon even quotes Walt Whitman in relation to Seth Rollins—but it’s slow and noticeably long. The best part is that Luke Harper has dropped his horrible faux-swamp accent and is his own dirty, sweaty man. Oh, and Ryback isn’t on a team. My dude the BIG GUY comes out on cue with a BIG GUY WEIGHTLIFTING BELT and has something to say.

Winner of all the fashion awards.

Ryback’s weird charisma is still more evident in his facial tics and mannerisms than on the microphone, but they’re finally giving him a chance to speak. It’s smart, as if they’re learning from the mistakes WCW made in not evolving Goldberg’s character at all during his 173-0 winning streak. Kane continues his good work as a sycophantic corporate stooge in his halfhearted apology to Ryback while Stephanie McMahon cues up footage from last year (WOAH, LAST YEAR IS A THING THAT HAPPENED) where Cena says Ryback doesn’t have a dick. Very, very smart. If I were Ryback and had to sit through half-hearted Cena comedy, I’d probably decline to join his shitty team, too. Ryback continues to assert that the only team he plays for is his own, and you can hear individual people in the audience groan in displeasure because yeah, it’s stupid to rebuild Ryback as a monster face and then have him waffle on whether or not the dude who lives to fight is going to actually fight. Triple H praises him for being a coward and promises to destroy Team Cena. He does so by announcing Luke Harper vs. Dolph Ziggler for the goddamn Intercontinental Championship.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Match – Dolph Ziggler (champion) vs. Luke Harper: They’ve been building to this via videos of Harper’s eyes going crazy, and by having Harper deliver a knocked out Ziggler to the feet of Triple H and Stephanie McMahon at the end of last week’s episode. Seth Rollins is on commentary and Ziggler is none too pleased to hear that his title is on the line. Harper has an absolutely incredible look to him if you can get beyond his jeans and wifebeater outfit (which is what he wore on the indies, too). There’s something incredibly menacing about a gigantic man who enters a fight with a look of serenity on his face. Ziggler gets taken out by Noble and Mercury before the bell rings, and Rollins hits him in the face with the Money in the Bank briefcase. It’s about decimation, you understand? Ziggler struggles around while the referee checks on him. Dolph gets to his feet and demands the referee start the match. Oh yes, babyface fire. The bell rings and Harper hits Ziggler with a big boot (which misses by a mile, but whatever), but Ziggler kicks out at two. Harper picks Ziggler up and drills him with a sit-out powerbomb, but Ziggler kicks out of that, too. Rollins can’t believe it on commentary, nor should he. Harper goes for another boot to Ziggler, who is in the corner, but Ziggler moves out of the way and Harper goes flying over the top rope and to the floor. Back from commercial, Harper has the advantage despite that setback, hurling Ziggler to the ground by his hair. Harper picks Ziggler up for a suplex, then sets him down and punches him in the jaw. It’s all Harper as he maintains his advantage on the ground, headlocking Ziggler and gator-rolling him around the ring. Ziggler’s quickness allows him a flurry, which culminates in a fameasser (no idea what this “famouser” business is) for a two count. Harper catches a superkick and turns it into a black hole slam for another two count. Ziggler is kicking out of a billion things that look like finishes. Harper goes for his discus lariat and Ziggler hits a superkick for another two! Harper goes for another powerbomb, but Ziggler punches his way out of it. Harper throws Ziggler off, nails him with the discus clothesline, and gets the win! Winner: Luke Harper via pinfall (New Champion). Grade: B

Under different circumstances, that would have been a huge match, but we’re building to a pay-per-view and it’s otherwise just nice to finally have some new blood holding the Intercontinental Championship. Luke Harper is the first member of the Wyatt Family to win a championship, which is just odd to think about given how great those three were together. Harper shakes Rollins’ hand, settling whatever Wyatt/Shield beef may have existed between the two, and Rollins curbstomps Ziggler. Everybody poses over Ziggler’s corpse with their titles and briefcases and whatnot, and nobody blames Ziggler for being stupid enough to take the championship match despite his obvious injuries. The announce team gets hype about “Grumpy the Cat,” because nobody knows how to transition in and out of serious segments to comic relief.

The Kofi Kingston New Day promo plays. Lord knows why. But hey, Kofi Kingston gets to speak! Backstage, The Miz and Damien Mizdow make a pitch to Grumpy Cat, who responds as one expects a cat to respond to a human being: with silence. I’m not sure why this is a popular thing and hope that it’s appearance on Raw means that our long national nightmare is over. Damien Sandow continues to steal the show as Miz’s stunt double. And then the Exotic Express comes out because we need to kill this crowd dead.

Adam Rose vs. Tyson Kidd: The Bunny steals Adam Rose‘s entrance, and this makes Rose angry. This is a rematch from last week, when The Bunny cost Adam Rose everything by going to a frog splash for unknown reasons, which distracted Rose long enough for Kidd to get him in the Sharpshooter. Cole continues to stick up for an adult male in a terrible Halloween suit, calling him a “pretty good athlete in his own right,” which we’ve seen zero evidence for. JBL rightfully mocks this proclaimation. Rose wrestles angrily, kicking the stuffing out of Kidd, but he admonishes The Bunny for breathing and Kidd takes over. Oh, Natalya is there ringside because marriage is his gimmick, but Kidd isn’t the focus here. Rose hits a spinebuster and gets a two. The Bunny starts flirting with Natalya. This distracts Rose (because he is an idiot) who ends up in the Sharpshooter again (because he is an idiot). Rose calls for The Bunny’s help (because he is an idiot), but The Bunny is hitting on Natalya so hard he misses it, so Rose taps out. Winner: Tyson Kidd via submission. Grade: D+

They don’t go anywhere with Kidd and Natalya’s estranged marriage because I guess a man in a bunny costume isn’t exactly a threat to cuckold a pro wrestler. Rose tries to attack The Bunny, but the dude gives Rose the slip and starts humping him from behind. He then hops away, displaying some of his natural athleticism, and pantomimes humping on the stage. And then we get a video of people buying tickets for WrestleMania. The show so far tonight is a good reminder that WrestleMania tickets almost always seem like a crapshoot in November. Daniel Bryan does his YES! chant, which hopefully means his shoulder is good. Please let it be good. Please.

Bray Wyatt comes to the ring, his way lit by thousands of cell phones. Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt is the match I’m most interested in at Survivor Series, so it’s good that they’re going to be in the ring before then—last week’s pre-taped promos were not satisfying at all. Wyatt preaches to the crowd about love, loss, and danger. Poor Dean Ambrose. Minus Harper and Erick Rowan, Wyatt is still a commanding presence on the microphone. He explains his logic in his usual circular way (always on a vague mission of mercy, that Bray Wyatt) and offers Ambrose a chance at salvation so long as he chooses to follow him. Dean Ambrose replies from the back. He’s sick of hearing Bray talk. Instead of charging the ring and fighting, he keeps responding to all the things he’s tired of hearing about. Oh wait, it’s a video recording, and Ambrose is actually in the arena. Bray looks around for Ambrose, who flies into the ring and starts flailing away at him. This year has proven that there is nobody better at making a brawl look wild and out of control as Dean Ambrose, who manages to split his lip. The brawl is brief because they want you to sign up for the Network and watch the match that way. The announcers say that Ziggler was carried out from that match earlier, which might have been a good thing to show on screen. What do I know?

Ryback vs. Cesaro: Poor Cesaro makes his entrance during the commercial break. His task tonight is to lead Ryback to an acceptable showcase match, and I’m pumped because it’s my favorite wrestler vs. my ironic favorite wrestler, even though I know what the outcome is going to be. Cesaro and Ryback go through a chain wrestling routine before Ryback presses the advantage, body slamming Cesaro and hitting him with a splash for two. Cesaro responds with a European uppercut and a suplex, but Ryback gets up first. Nobody at the announce desk notices this because John Cena is Hulk Hogan and Raw is WCW Monday Nitro in 1995. Ryback throws Cesaro to the mat by his head and suplexes him on the rebound. This gets a one count. Cole is kinda worried about the succession plan should The Authority lose, and Cesaro wakes him up by hitting Ryback with an exploder suplex. John Cena is backstage, watching this match on television for some reason. Cesaro continues to work Ryback over, but Ryback gets a Thesz press and plays basketball with Cesaro’s head. This is decent, as good as a Ryback match gets, but the crowd is dead even when Cesaro surprises Ryback with a powerbomb out of the corner. Cesaro double stomps Ryback, gets a two count, and transitions into a headlock. Cesaro deadlifts Ryback into a body slam and takes time to admire himself, which gives Ryback some hope, but this match is all about seeing if Ryback is capable of working from underneath a heel, so Cesaro gets more offense, more than he’s gotten in the past month. Ryback gets clotheslined over the top rope, and when we come back after the break he’s coming back from a headlock. Jerry Lawler calls Cesaro his first name (Antonio), and my heart flutters. Cena continues to watch this match, so the conversation flows back to him and his quest to complete his team. Cesaro goes for a double axe handle, but Ryback shrugs off the weak blow and hurls Cesaro across the ring with a belly-to-belly suplex. It’s all Ryback from there. He shoves Cesaro down, gives him a spinebuster, and is momentarily frustrated in his attempt to hit the Meathook Clothesline. Ryback hits a splash from the second turnbuckle and powerbombs Cesaro shortly thereafter, all awkward muscle, and gets a two. Cesaro slips out of the Shellshock and hits a beautiful German suplex! He keeps the hold locked, but Ryback elbows out of it and Cesaro staggers to the corner. Cesaro dodges Ryback, who charges into the turnbuckle and stumbles back into a second German suplex. Cesaro keeps the waistlock on and hits a third, then brings Ryback up again for a fourth! He bridges into a pinning attempt, but Ryback kicks out at two. Cesaro goes to the top rope and dives off with a perfect Shawn Michaels elbow drop and gets another two. Zero fucks given by the live audience, even for the ridiculous comeback move from Ryback seconds after the elbow drop:

That nets Ryback a two count and an opportunity to hit the Meathook Clothesline. Cesaro counters with an uppercut, then his pop-up uppercut, but his upset bid is stymied when Ryback kicks out. Cesaro goes for the Neutralizer, but the time he takes cracking his neck in preparation for the deadlift is all the time Ryback needs to get him up into Shellshock, but Cesaro slips out of that and gets a two count with a roll-up! Ryback ducks a clothesline, hits one of his own, and catches Cesaro with the Shellshock for the three. Winner: Ryback via pinfall. Grade: B

I thought everything here was solid. Cesaro is one of the three best wrestlers in the world and is capable of putting on a clinic with anybody. That’s what the last three or so minutes of this match were: An incredible display of power move after power move, with a little bit of sweet science thrown in because Cesaro is just too good for words. At the end of the day, Ryback shows he can hang after a year in the wilderness, and Cesaro gets a good showing on Raw. Like everybody else, I’d love it if Cesaro were at the top of the card, but I’m not worried about him at all. They know they have a future fixture in the main event in Cesaro and they can pull the trigger on him at any time. Ryback is being given a second chance with the roster depleted, and his push is more of a now-or-never kind of deal. Backstage, Renee Young asks John Cena about what he was watching on television. Cena, decked out in Hulk Hogan colors, talks about how everybody’s future is on the line. That’s dubious. Cena’s looking forward to the contract signing. Renee wants to know if Ryback is on Cena’s team, but Cena knows he’s on Team Ryback. He seems pretty sad about this, but he told the man a year ago that he had no dick. You reap what you sow, brother.

Rusev vs. Heath Slater: This is a non-title match because Heath Slater is involved. Rusev, who is being booked as the biggest babyface in the history of wrestling but is heel because he’s not from around here, gets actual thumbs downs from the fans sitting ringside, like this is a show being taped in front of a live studio audience at Walt Disney Studios. There is no limit to the awesomeness that is Rusev. Rusev flexes a bunch and kisses his title, because an asshole bad guy shows how much he loves the championship he won fair and square. Before Heath Slater can make it out to the ring, Lana talks about the disrespect shown to Vladimir Putin at the G20 Summit. I suspect a lot of people in the crowd knew what she was talking about. Lana talks trash about Kim Kardashian breaking the internet, calling her our “Socialite Queen” before saying that no American woman compares to her “ravishing figure,” which is really out of character, but whatever. She says she has her own topless photo to show the crowd that will have “all of you American men drooling.” The crowd goes along with her when she asks if they want to see it, and are rewarded thusly:

The sad, straight men in the crowd shake their heads in disappointment while Lana calls them pathetic, because she is the best. This brings out Heath Slater, who is dressed like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. He cuts a pro-America promo on his way to the ring while JBL gets the gag, calling Slater “The Prince of Monte Fisto,” which I want on my gravestone. Slater takes off his jacket, revealing a sparkly vest! Slater calls Rusev a son of a bitch, and Rusev superkicks him right in his stupid face. He stomps Slater in the back, locks on the Accolade, and that’s it. Winner: Rusev via submission. Grade: B-

Rusev celebrates in front of the Russian flag while Slater crawls around on the mat in his rad vest. I realize I’m giving a really high grade to a really short match, but as a segment that was terrific, as every Rusev/Lana segment is. Grumpy Cat is still hanging out with The Miz and Damien Mizdow backstage. Miz is desperate to do a film with Grumpy Cat. Erick Rowan shows up wanting to play with Grumpy Cat, sporting a Reichsadler on the pocket of his shirt. Rowan steals the stuffed Grumpy Cat Damien Mizdow was holding and wanders off. Nobody knows what the hell to do about this.

The Big Show vs. Sheamus: The Big Show comes out for a match against an unnamed opponent, but is met by Stephanie McMahon. Steph has been watching WWE’s fictive documentary series Monday Night War and chastises Big Show for being billed as Andre the Giant’s son, because it’s never too late to make fun of that garbage. Stephanie McMahon points out that The Big Show, despite his size and skill, has always been in someone else’s shadow. She wants Big Show to join The Authority, but should have thought about that before spending the summer making him cry. Her offer is to induct Big Show into the Hall of Fame as an active competitor. He knows the Hall of Fame is a gimmick, brother, but he turns her down. This brings out Sheamus, who calls Stephanie “Mrs. Haitch,” which rules. He’s proud to be part of Team Cena and he can’t be bought either. She wasn’t offering, fella. Stephanie tells Sheamus that he’s not an American citizen and that she might, y’know, just lose his visa and get him deported before Survivor Series. She then books a match between Show and Sheamus, saying that the winner of the match has a chance to win a shot at the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. The two do some friendly grappling in silence. That breaks down quickly though, as Big Show and Sheamus both have quick tempers, and the two get to clubberin’ each other around the ring. Big Show back body drops Sheamus over the top rope and hurls him over the crowd barricade. After the break, Big Show signals for the Chokeslam, but Sheamus fights out of it and clubs Big Show’s chest a few times, getting a two count after a knee drop. JBL is hyped on one of these men wrestling for the title, but it’s more important to Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole that they put that aside and fight for John Cena. Big Show maintains his advantage, eventually locking Sheamus in a very cool-looking inverted figure four leglock.

All of this is pretty good, but slower and less important than the marquee matches they’ve had in the past, and the crowd just is not helping. Sheamus makes his comeback on Big Show, but is cut off by a big boot. Sheamus rolls out of the way of an elbow drop and goes to the top rope. He leaps off, but Big Show spears him out of the skies. Big Show goes for another Chokeslam but Sheamus gives it the slip and hits him with White Noise for a two count. Big Show catches the Brogue Kick an hits his Chokeslam finally, getting a two for the effort. Show climbs to the middle turnbuckle, but Sheamus catches him and lifts Show onto his shoulders, dropping him back to the canvas. With both men down, Rusev and Mark Henry hit the ring. Rusev kicks Sheamus on the jaw and starts kicking away at Big Show, and it appears that neither man will be getting a shot at Brock Lesnar’s title. Stephanie McMahon is a cruel mistress. Winner: No Contest due to outside interference. Grade: B-

Outside the ring, Mark Henry puts Sheamus through the announce desk with the World’s Strongest Slam. Rusev watches, then puts Big Show into the Accolade. It was a set-up all along, dammit. The crowd comes alive to chant for John Cena (which, wow!), but John Cena stays in the back, watching Rusev put Big Show to sleep. What a friend.

Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella: Brie Bella skips out to the ring to AJ Lee‘s music, wearing her clothes, and this has Jerry Lawler very confused because the apparently he can only tell women apart by the clothes they wear. Nikki Bella comes out, and we have an “exhibition match.” AJ Lee comes out non-plussed by Nikki’s mind games and reports to the wrecked commentary table. The fans in the audience chant “CM PUNK” because they’re mutant scumbags. Nikki does some jumping jacks in the ring and gives her sister an arm drag. AJ compliments Brie’s choice of clothes, but doesn’t sound nearly as impassioned about what she’s doing as she did last year. Honestly, that’s understandable. She does a better job talking about the Bella feud than the WWE has with a slew of announcers, writers, and video packages though, so there’s that. Nikki hits Brie with a series of backbreakers and taunts AJ. She tortures her sister, pulling her around the ring by the hair, but AJ distracts Nikki, allowing Brie to roll her up for the surprise victory. Winner: Brie Bella via pinfall. Grade: C-

Their match at Hell in a Cell was much better, but it was telling a different story. After the match, Nikki abuses Brie for disobeying her orders. This let’s AJ slip in and attack Nikki with a running knee. Brie sees that and takes it as an opportunity to do Daniel Bryan’s YES! chant, which is only really interesting here because Daniel Bryan started doing that…when AJ Lee was his valet. Perhaps remembering that, AJ kicks Brie in the gut and DDTs her. She doesn’t care about either Bella, just her title. Very convoluted storytelling.

Big E. Langston appears in these A New Day Is Coming vignettes, doing a decent Jessie Jackson impersonation. But that’s kind of problematic because a crew of white writers are writing black pastor talk for their black wrestlers, with no defined purpose. Just debut the stable, already. Pull the trigger on everything. Stop being slow. Backstage, John Cena decides to ask Ryback to join his team again. He calls Ryback “big man,” so Ryback informs him that his proper nickname is “THE BIG GUY.” Ryback remembers that Cena said he had no dick. Cena says that he saw the footage, as if it was shot in secret and not on last year’s episodes of Raw, but thinks he deserves some credit for at least insulting Ryback to his face. Cena wants Ryback to control his own destiny. Ryback wants Cena to leave his locker room. Cena points out that it’s strange that the dude who wants to eat more is going to shy away from the big kid table. Good stuff.

The Usos & Los Matadores vs. Goldust, Stardust, The Miz, and Damien Mizdow: The WWE has a Breaking News SMS System, and they used it to announce a Fatal Four Way match for the WWE Tag Team Championship. So, as a preview, the four teams involved will be in an eight-man tag, Usos and Matadores against the Dust Brothers, Miz and Mizdow. Even without much of a direction (and minus The Shield and The Wyatts), the WWE’s tag team division is better now than it’s been in some tome. Miz and Mizdow are a great addition to it. Complimenting things The Miz is doing still feels very strange. Mizdow continues aping The Miz on the apron, missing phantom clotheslines and bumping to the floor when The Miz is sent crashing to the canvas. The crowd wants to see Mizdow tagged in, but Miz tags Goldust in. Los Matadores clear the ring of Goldust and Stardust and The Miz, which causes Mizdow to come into the ring, bump for nothing, and slide out of the ring. It’s such a good act that the announcers are laughing legitimately, and not at themselves. Miz goes for his terrible figure four but one of the Matadores (someday I’ll learn to tell them apart, but this is what happens when you put two sibling Puerto Ricians under masks and give them a Mexican stereotype gimmick) rolls him up for a two count, sparing us. Goldust gets in and takes over. It can’t be said enough how great Goldust is in 2014, almost a full 20 years after debuting the character. He works smarter and harder than at almost any point in his career. Mizdow finally gets the tag and hits the ring, getting one of the best reactions of the night, but Miz tags himself back in, getting booed for doing it. Mizdow again remains cool about all of this. Miz’s terrible figure four is thwarted again, but Miz tags in Stardust. The Usos finally get into the ring and go through their routine, which feels too much like a routine because “FLYING USOS” and “USO CRAZY” are rote calls for the announcers. A finisherfest follows, Stardust hits his, and that’s all she wrote. Winners: Goldust, Stardust, The Miz, and Damien Mizdow via pinfall. Grade: B-

They go backstage to Grumpy Cat. Michael Cole continues calling Grumpy Cat a “he” despite his being corrected a billion times. They say she is watching the show, but she’s sleeping the dreamless sleep of any non-fan forced to watch Raw. The circumstances of poor Team Cena are spelled out. Everybody except John Cena is injured due to the evil machinations of The Authority. Next week, Larry the Cable Guy will be the guest host of Raw. Kill me now.

In the main event slot tonight, that time-tested wrestling cliche: The contract signing. For the third or fourth time tonight, we see Team Cena taken out one by one while The Authority make their way to the ring. Ziggler: Curbstomped. Sheamus: World’s Strongest Slammed. Big Show: Accoladed. Triple H gloats about his fortune, saying that The Authority will stand tall because he loves the WWE more than life itself. A touching story. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon give Team Cena a chance to back down and refuse to Rise Above Hate. Team Cena (for some reason not called The Cenation) comes out. It’s just John Cena. Despite the odds, Cena marches down to the ring, looking ready to take on the world. Cena says that his team will win regardless of the setbacks and that The Authority is done. Regardless of what Stephanie McMahon thinks, it’s over, Jack. Because they forgot to take out John Cena. It’s a really good promo, Cena coming with the kind of fire that’s often absent from even his big match promos. He goes around the ring picking fans to join his team. There’s a dude dressed as a nun, a guy decked out as Captain Cactus Jack, and two tiny children. Even with that team, he says, he’s got a shot. His team’s got passion. The Authority is full of suck-ups and sell-outs. Cena starts calling his shots: Kane will go down first because he looks like an old dad stuck in a go-nowhere middle management job. Then Luke Harper, then Rusev and Mark Henry, and, finally, Seth Rollins. And poor Triple H is going to have to sit there and watch it. Stephanie McMahon has enough of that and slaps the taste out of Cena’s mouth. He wants to take the whole team on by himself, but Dolph Ziggler’s music hits because he’s impervious to weeks of beatdowns. Big Show comes down, woken up from his nap, and now it’s three-on-five. That’s 80% of the team, according to Lawler, because fractions are hard. Luke Harper’s music hits, which confuses the new Intercontinental Champion…and Erick Rowan comes down to the ring! His shirt no longer has a Nazi eagle on it, presumably because his conversation with the stuffed Grumpy Cat has caused him to see the error of his ways. It’s a legitimate surprise, one that doesn’t make much sense, but I’m cool with it. Steph gives everybody a chance to reconsider…and CESARO’S MUSIC HITS FOR REASONS I DON’T COMPREHEND BUT THAT I CAN TOTALLY GET BEHIND. OH WAIT, HE SWERVES CENA AND JOINS UP WITH THE AUTHORITY. YES. YEAH CESARO. YOU GO, YOU GLORIOUS ASSHOLE. And then Ryback’s music hits and The Authority gets sad. THE BIG GUY hits the ring and it’s pandemonium to close the show. Triple H stops Cena from hitting the Attitude Adjustment, but he ends up in the ring with Ryback, alone. That allows Cena to recover and put Triple H through a table. Team Cena stands tall while JBL references Don Quixote and everything looks interesting and new and full of potential. It’s a miracle, too, as the show went on in silence for the bulk of its three hours and the main event of a pay-per-view being used to sell the WWE Network to a largely skeptical audience may have been decided by pulling names out of a hat, but I have no idea who is winning any of the matches this Sunday, and that’s the way things are supposed to be.

Rating:

November 19, 2014
Wrestling Review: WWE Raw (11/10/14)

In the eastern time zone, where I live, WWE Raw begins at 8:00 and ends, on average, around 11:15. This, I’ve realized, is a lot of time to devote to a weekday wrestling show. And I mean that; I’ve only just now realized this. Maybe it’s because WCW Monday Nitro was three hours when I was a child, or maybe it’s because I was more actively engaged with Raw before I had a Monday night class, but the fact of Raw‘s three hours never felt more real, more oppressive, than last night’s pre-taped episode from Liverpool, England. For this, I’m also going to blame the fact that last week Vince McMahon, WWE’s big bad for half of my life, the swaggering symbol of things mattering on weekly television, came out and said that he was going to shake things up. He said this in reference to the WWE Network being free to new subscribers in November, and in reference to the main event of the upcoming Survivor Series pay-per-view, which will pit John Cena‘s makeshift team of allies against a team of surrogates for Triple H in a match that determines whether or not Vince’s family gets to continue running Vince’s company, but he said he was shaking things up, and I believed this. And then Raw this week from Liverpool started with a 20-minute John Cena interview.

I get it. I do. John Cena, as has been said for months now since Daniel Bryan went on the shelf with a shoulder injury, is the face of the company, and when the company is producing a show overseas, you begin with that face. But everything about this Raw felt exactly the same as the last time I was able to watch the show, only it was in England, which meant that it also felt exactly the same as the last Raw to emanate from there, what with its gigantic Union Jacks hanging from the rafters to compensate for a smaller tron, the red phone booth and old Rolls Royce on the entrance ramp to let those of us in America know what England is, and the crowd chants that are so routine and oppressive that, at this point, they may as well be the Goldberg chants that used to get pumped into dead WCW arenas. John Cena comes out, he tells the crowd that he enjoys the fact that they feel free enough in this, today’s modern society, to sing along mockingly to his theme song, and then he gets real serious, as he always does. The Authority is out to get him. They’re injuring his friends, like Zack Ryder. They don’t want to make Survivor Series fair. The odds are against John Cena because of course they are, but he’s got Dolph Ziggler, he’s got Jack Swagger, and he’s got hope. He’s gonna rise above hate, as only he can, but he needs help to do it. So he calls out Ryback, who he will be wrestling in the main event. Ryback comes out, but since he isn’t trusted with a live microphone, The Authority make their way to the ring and introduce their new teammate, Mark Henry. From there, everybody recaps what happened last week, sets up tonight’s matches, then plays tug of war with Ryback’s soul. See, even though he said upon his return that the WWE Universe needed a hero and that he was going to be that hero, nothing that happens on YouTube is cannon, so Ryback says that he doesn’t need The Authority behind him, but that he doesn’t see John Cena paying his checks. He gives Cena a spinebuster, Stephanie McMahon taunts Cena by mocking Daniel Bryan’s “YES!” chants, and we have us some more odds for Cena to overcome. Or do we? This is something the announce team bickers about all night, because Cena needs a team but joining him would be career suicide, so the story of the evening is a will-he-or-won’t-he affair with Ryback’s fresh face turn (and the surprising amount of support that garnered him) hanging in the balance. Oh, and the left-field choice of Jack Swagger as a member of Team Cena, which leads us to…

Seth Rollins vs. Jack Swagger: Swagger is something of an aimless face (further made plain by his manager Zeb Coulter‘s xenophobic American gimmick seeming completely out of place when folks are meant to cheer for it), but he and Seth Rollins are pretty good against each other, which makes Swagger’s normal awkwardness moot. Swagger gets some impressive height on a leg drop and is in control of the match, the Liverpool audience chanting “WE THE PEOPLE” for him, but Rollins hits him with a dropkick. This only angers Swagger, who throws Rollins around the ring like a rag doll. Rollins gains the advantage during the commercial and when we come back, the crowd is bored enough already to start chanting for the announcers, who are already hinting that Ryback might not be on Team Authority after all. Swagger gets the Swagger Bomb in for a two and kicks out of a sunset flip attempt by transitioning into an Ankle Lock, which is very pretty. Rollins gets to the ropes, then sends Swagger to the floor. He rushes him, but Swagger trips him mid-air and goes for the Ankle Lock again. Rollins escapes from the barricade, allowing his security team of Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury to distract Swagger. Rollins leaps over the barricade and shoves Swagger head first into the turnbuckle, which stuns him to the point that Rollins is able to hit the Curb Stomp for the win. Rating: B-

The match was built around the spot where Rollins shoves Swagger into the ring post, and until that point the whole thing felt like the two were stalling for time. The referee calls for the ringside physician to check Swagger for a concussion, but he is pulled away by Rollins’ goons so that Rollins can hit Swagger with another Curb Stomp. Jack Swagger, it’s safe to say, is no longer on Team Cena. After recapping a confrontation between Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt that happened on SmackDown!, they cut to a pre-taped backstage interview with Ambrose, who responds by telling Wyatt about his mile-long rap sheet in professional wrestling. Ambrose says that he isn’t anybody’s hero, and that he fights demons and ghosts that are scarier than Bray Wyatt. It’s a good promo, but I have no idea why Ambrose is in the back talking to a camera when he is one of the best on the roster at playing a live crowd. He never shows up live, which probably contributes to the crowd’s quickly deflating mood, and they announce that Ambrose and Wyatt will wrestle at Survivor Series, which will likely be the best match of the night. Backstage live, Ryback flexes and grunts while Kane (who I will not call Corporate Kane) talks about what’s on the line. Ryback says he wants to be alone, but Kane is all like “I’m a business man and this is a business, so let me manage you,” and Ryback is like “fuck you, meatbag,” and now we have drama.

Alicia Fox vs. Paige: Michael Cole says that Alicia Fox is “slightly off,” which means “CRAZY BITCH” in WWE-speak, and Lawler says that she “has more curves than a race track” because he is a 64-year-old bag of garbage. Paige gets a very nice response from the crowd and Lawler talks about how attractive a woman a third of his age is because that’s what really matters here. Fox attacks immediately with a Thesz press because they have an actual issue that gets less coverage than their bodies, but Paige takes the advantage quickly, kneeing Fox in rapid succession from the apron. Paige is wearing Union Jack Doc Martins for Queen and Country, and they do not look like they’d be fun to wrestle in. Fox hits a nice Northern Lights Suplex and quickly moves into a Bow and Arrow hold, which she uses to slam Paige face-first to the mat. Paige kicks out of a backbreaker, counters a tilt-a-whirl slam into a cross body, hits her Rampaige DDT, and that’s it. I guess the Fox/Paige feud is over in three minutes because writing for women is hard. Rating: C+

Backstage, the evil Russian Rusev and his handler Lana are walking around with our United States Heavyweight Championship, those bastards. Stephanie McMahon sees them and calls them over so she can ask Lana if Rusev will be on their team at Survivor Series. Lana says that she’ll have to check with Vladimir Putin (which is such a great gimmick), and Stephanie snaps. Rusev looks a bit pissed when Stephanie calls Lana a “stuck up Russian twit,” but things blow over because it’s time for Rusev to celebrate his conquest of America in England. Before we can get to that, though, we get a promo for Xavier Woods’ new gimmick, which is a James Brown/gospel preacher riff. While Woods is obviously charismatic enough to pull something like this off, coming from a (mostly) white writing team (I assume) and a company that has had its history of embarrassing gimmicks for persons of color that involve singing, dancing, and other racial stereotypes, I’m not entirely looking forward to his re-debut. Stephanie McMahon and Triple H aren’t watching Xavier, though, because why would they? They’re talking about why Vince McMahon is challenging them and figure that they’re gonna crush Cena like they crush everything. “What if?” Steph wonders. What if, indeed?

Rusev and Lana hit the ring to gloat over our fallen American heroes, which is my favorite thing in professional wrestling in 2014. Seriously, Rusev plays the awkward super-athlete so well that you’d figure he was born and raised in a lab somewhere, and Lana, though she’s as Russian as a cartoon character, she’s the best regular manager on television right now. Some chump says that the Kremlin is proud of Rusev and puts up the world’s most awkward picture of Putin, who has never heard of any of these people. Rusev demands respect for and plays the Russian national anthem, which rules. Sheamus interrupts this with his terrible theme song, and we have us a rematch.

WWE United States Championship – Sheamus vs. Rusev (Champion): After letting them clear the ring, Sheamus and Rusev pick up where they left off on last week’s WWE Network exclusive match, beating the absolute hell out of each other. Rusev is a tank, an absolute throwback of a human being who is beautiful and terrible to behold, and Sheamus is one of the more underrated wrestlers on the WWE roster because he is John Cena without a tan: Capable of classic matches against anybody, but stale. Everything about this match looks painful and great. Sheamus starts the match with his hair gelled and spiked, but midway through it is a sweaty, orange mat on top of his head. That never happens to Sheamus, but that’s how hard he and Rusev are going. Hammer blows, headbutts, knee lifts, side kicks—this is a fight, and a very well-paced one. Rusev is one of the best in WWE at selling the effects of a match, and everything you do to Sheamus shows up on his skin. They keep developing Rusev’s in-ring offense, too, as he breaks out a guillotine choke hold that he hasn’t used before. I’ll probably never get tired of his throwback gimmick, but his matches are another story. So long as he keeps developing as a wrestler, he’s gold to me. Sheamus and Rusev continue trading strikes into the commercial, but Rusev is pretty clearly ahead on points. when we come back. Rollins’ goons show up at ringside to watch what’s going on, and Sheamus dazes Rusev with a series of strikes. But Rusev responds with a dropkick of surprising grace, given the man’s size. Sheamus hits Rusev with a powerslam for a two-count and JBL, on commentary, pronounces “Putin,” “PEW TIN.” This mispronunciation gives Sheamus the strength he needs to try a cloverleaf on the champion, but in a nice twist you don’t see very often, Rusev’s legs are too thick for Sheamus to figure out the move. He eventually hits White Noise, but again, Rusev kicks out. Rusev ducks a Brogue Kick and rolls out of the ring, but Sheamus climbs the turnbuckles and dives onto him! Rusev makes his way back into the ring at an eight count, Sheamus is attacked by Noble and Rollins, and Rusev wins via countout. Rating: B+

No clean finish, but eventually the two will get a pay-per-view match that settles their excelent feud. Right now, what’s important is that The Authority has managed to convince Rusev and Lana to join their team. Stephanie McMahon doesn’t care about Vladimir Putin, because everybody in WWE hates the very idea of Russia. But she loves saying the word “CRUSH” like she’s on Rocky and Bullwinkle. Seth Rollins visits Ryback in his locker room, where he is doing some resistance band exercises. Rollins goes on and on about teamwork and The Authority, and Ryback only listens when Rollins brings up their problems in the past. Then Rollins says Ryback can take orders from him, “okay big man?” Ryback’s response: “It’s not big man. It’s The Big Guy.” Ryback is the greatest.

Los Matadores vs. The Miz and Damien Sandow: Sandow is still firmly in “Damien Mizdow” mode, and his impersonation of The Miz is the most popular The Miz has ever been. Because Los Matadores are accompanied by El Torito, Hornswoggle accompanies Miz and Sandow to the ring as “Mini-Miz,” and the Torito/Hornswoggle feud rolls on. Hornswoggle isn’t as good at The Miz’s mannerisms as Sandow is, but that’s part of the joke. The crowd chants for Mizdow, and the Miz is upset about it. On the ring apron, Mizdow is stunt doubling Miz’s mannerisms and reactions to moves, as he has been doing for some time now, only when he bumps for something Los Matadores do to Miz, he has to fall off the apron. It works in continuing to irk The Miz, who finally tags in his stunt double to rapturous applause. It’s a tease, though, as he blind tags back in. Mizdow is cool with it though (the first time this has been true of any tag team in history), and goes back to falling off the apron as Miz takes abuse. He’s eventually responsible for the win, holding down the foot of one of the Matadores while Miz has him pinned. Unlike when he was the fourth member of Three Man Band, Hornswoggle didn’t really add anything to the act, but it looks like Miz and his stunt double are heading towards a Tag Team Championship match. Rating: B-

Dolph Ziggler points out that at five on two, his and Cena’s odds aren’t looking so good. Cena offers Dolph a chance to back out, but Dolph refuses, saying that The Authority has been holding too many people down for too long. “You’re telling me,” Cena says, completely serious despite his being a fifteen time WWE Champion. Cena says he’ll be at ringside, but Triple H was eavesdropping and puts the kibosh on that. Then he does a little dance.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Mark Henry: Usually this would be a very exciting match. Ziggler against any large man usually results in Ziggler bouncing around the ring like a pinball. Before Mark Henry comes out, a video of Luke Harper‘s eyes plays, threatening Dolph. Then Three 6 Mafia plays Mark Henry to the ring, which, honestly, is scarier. Henry throws Ziggler around, negating Ziggler’s speed advantage at every turn. There’s a very awkward attempt at a schoolboy into the turnbuckles that goes nowhere, and another hard-to-describe flying whatsit that doesn’t look good but stuns Henry regardless. Once they go outside the ring, Henry tosses Ziggler into the barricade, but he’s able to move out of the way of a charging World’s Strongest Man, who ends up flying over the barricade. Henry picks up a chair and throws it into Ziggler’s face, giving the Intercontinental Champion the win by disqualification. Rating: C

Henry continues to wear Ziggler out after the match, putting the ring steps into the ring and setting his opponent up for a World’s Strongest Slam upon them. Having suffered this last week, The Big Show saunters his way down to the ring, ribs taped, and the two have a slow battle of behemoths over the stairs, which Show eventually throws at Henry. Show gets on the mic, calls Henry a hoss, and announces that he’s joined Team Cena. We get another New Day promo for Kofi Kingston, who embraces and welcomes pressure, because pressure makes diamonds, haw-haw. I’m glad a choir got a payday, I guess, but man. Big Show catches up with John Cena backstage, who can’t believe Show is on his side. That’s fair since they’ve only fought each other a billion times. Big Show says that nobody hates The Authority more than he does, which is also fair because they shredded a pretty sweet contract the old regime gave him and made him cry a lot last year. Gallons of tears. Sheamus joins the squad because Rusev, handshakes are had, and Big Show says “I think business just picked up a little bit here,” which, along with “hoss,” makes him either the eager dude in the action movie who gets killed first, or a small town boy visiting the big city gay bar for the first time. Either way, I’m a fan.

AJ Lee vs. Brie Bella: Brie Bella is her sister Nikki‘s personal assistant for the month. Tonight, that means that she was made to wear a suit and serve tea. I’d say this is embarrassing, but Brie’s little butler suit is actually the least embarrassing thing either Bella Twin has worn in ages. Nikki stands outside the ring and yells stuff at her sister, like “HARDER!” and “WIN!” and it’s all mean, I guess. Nikki has a Diva’s Championship match against AJ Lee at Survivor Series, and so Brie’s task is to soften AJ up. The mutants in the crowd chant “CM Punk” because that is who AJ Lee is married to, but the match is aimless and short, so I guess they have to amuse themselves somehow. The Bellas have vastly improved in the ring, but I think my problem with them is that they punctuate every move with a big, exaggerated grunt, like children doing karate. AJ, who has actually been pretty listless since her return, picks up the win with the Black Widow in about three minutes, because that’s what women get. Rating: C-

Nikki gets into the ring and blindsides AJ. She takes off her tiny varsity jacket and hurls it at her sister, yelling “YOU’RE A LOSER!” like she’s trying to score a role on Pretty Little Liars. She then hits AJ with the Rack Attack, which is a good looking, terribly named maneuver. “That is how the number one Bella does it,” she says, but the jersey she’s wearing has the number two on it. Jerry Lawler asks if Bruce Wayne did everything Batman said to do, but JBL also mucks up Alfred’s name, so the two bicker uselessly about comic books because Brie couldn’t follow her sister’s orders and win. Mark Henry visits Ryback in his locker room, and this is the best segment of the night in Ryback’s dimly lit rage cavern because The Big Guy is all weird charisma and Mark Henry is the best in the world at what he does, which is talk shit and be amazing. It’s the best. Grumpy Cat is going to be on Raw next week, so hopefully that meme is dead.

Adam Rose vs. Tyson Kidd: Adam Rose is my least favorite gimmick in the history of wrestling. Tyson Kidd has been the most underrated member of the WWE Roster for his entire tenure. Right now, they’re turning Rose heel by having him in a disagreement with member of his entourage that dresses like a bunny. He keeps getting involved in matches, which costs Rose. It’s actually interesting, which is something of a shock. Rose and the bunny dance around like nothing is wrong. Kidd and Rose get things going, and Erick Rowan walks down to the ring, looking for a woman. This…is the kind of gimmick that gets you future endeavored. The fans are really into Adam Rose’s theme song, more than Adam Rose. Regardless, Rose gets the advantage and the bunny gets involved, climbing the turnbuckles for a frog splash. Rose waves him off because that’d be a disqualification and yells at the idiot, and Tyson Kidd quickly locks in the Sharpshooter for the win. Grade: C

While Kidd’s terrible theme music plays, the bunny tries to make good with Rose. Rose replies to the bunny’s hopping around by kicking him in the gut. Michael Cole tries to say how terrible this is, but dude, it’s a man in a bunny costume, and he is fucking Adam Rose over. A close-up of Rose’s face makes him look like a man absolutely worn-down by his non-stop party, and it’s, again, interesting. We’ll see how interesting it is in three months when they’re still doing a will-he-or-won’t-he thing with Rose and the bunny. The announcer plug the WWE Network’s being free for the month, which seems cruel since the UK doesn’t have it yet. Team Authority meet backstage, and Mark Henry asks if he has to stand next to Rusev because, oh my God, he remembers that he had a serious issue with Rusev a month ago. Kane says that Ryback has an attitude problem, and Triple H starts to worry because nobody is on the same page. Ryback shows up angry that everybody is gossiping behind his back, but Triple H doesn’t care about that. Just go out and crush John Cena. That’s all Triple H wants. He bans Cena’s team from ringside. Stephanie McMahon tries to rally the troops, but egos, man. Bray Wyatt cuts a promo on Dean Ambrose and society. It’s good because Bray Wyatt is good, but the decision to have the two most interesting characters on television not appear before the crowd? Terrible.

John Cena vs. Ryback: John Cena is secretly one of the best wrestlers in history. I happen to be one of the biggest Ryback fans on the planet. This match, one would think, seems right up my ally. But part of the reason Ryback’s huuuuuge push in 2010 stalled out was because nobody really knew how to work with him for more than eight or nine minutes. That’s still a problem in 2014, which is too bad because Ryback has actually evolved quite a bit as a character since then. They play this match smart at first, having Cena try to figure out Ryback’s otherworldly strength, but no match is just its feeling out process, so things fall apart when Cena stops running into Ryback’s shoulder. That being said, the first few minutes are pretty good, and while I’ve come to expect people reversing Cena’s signature moves, I’ve not seen his bulldog turned into a powerslam. Kane tells Ryback to do his job while Ryback is doing his job, and Cena manages to knock Ryback off the apron into Kane. Drama. Ryback pulls out some new moves, both of the uranage variety, but everything is so slow and awkward that those moves, which should get big reactions, play to silence. Ryback goes for his finish but Cena counters and tries to go for his shoulder blocks, only to be taken out with a powerslam. The two counter each other until Ryback comes out on top. Kane keeps yelling at Ryback while Seth Rollins astutely points out that Ryback has everything under control. Then Ryback powerbombs Cena across the ring, which is just ridiculous. Ryback goes for a Razor’s Edge, but Cena counters into the STF. This is unquestionably the best match Cena and Ryback have had (and is maybe the best match of Ryback’s career), but it still doesn’t feel right for some reason. Cena gets Ryback in the STF again, but Ryback muscles Cena up into the Shellshock. Cena wiggles out and hits Ryback with his powerbomb, Kane gets involved, and before Ryback can finish Cena off, Kane climbs into the ring and attacks Cena, ending the match. Rating: B-

Ryback gets into Kane’s face and Kane takes off his jakcket and tie. Seth Rollins tries to break things up, but Ryback decks Rollins and Kane takes Ryback out with a big boot. Team Authority mugs Cena in the ring, so Team Cena responds with the smart wrestling strategy of emerging one at a time so they can all have their asses kicked by five much fresher men. Some of Team Authority’s combinations look like they might be fun within the context of a match, so there’s that. Ryback gets back into the ring after hanging out for a bit and wipes out the entirety of Team Authority, who are quickly without a fifth member. Cena watches all of this from the corner, but Ryback is out of there before he can join Cena’s team. Still, just when things are starting to look even, Raw ends backstage, with Dolph Ziggler thrown at the feet of Stephanie McMahon and Triple H. Luke Harper is there when the camera pans over to him, clutching his denim vest like a proud nerd might hold the straps of his suspenders. “A’hm a team playuh” is what he says, because he’s from the swamp, and Triple H and Stephanie look at the dude real confused. They don’t want any swamp people on their all-beefcake team.

Rating:

November 11, 2014
Wrestling Review: WWE Raw (10/22/14)
Last night, I watched wrestling. This is admittedly nothing new. Since the advent of the WWE Network, I watch wrestling every day, sometimes for hours. I’m writing a book of poetry about wrestling, I run a few Tumblrs about wrestling—it all comes with the territory. But last night I watched Raw, which I haven’t gotten a chance to do much this summer because the work that I’ve done this summer and the reason I do it often leaves me scrambling to bask in the warm glow of nostalgia. Though I can’t imagine a scenario where my friends and I don’t gather in my new house to watch the WWE Network’s less-than-stellar stream of Summerslam this Sunday, anything going on right now serves as a less-than-welcome reminder that soon enough I’ll be sitting down in front of a computer to listen to the rich talk about the problems inherent with having only a million dollars put away in an IRA. But it’s Hulk Hogan’s birthday, and even though The Hulkster now exists largely to talk about the virtues of the WWE Network (which, at 700,000 subscribers paying $9.99 a month to watch video footage Vince McMahon acquired for pennies on the dollar, is somehow considered a failure because the world of business has rules as made up, impenetrable, stupid, and fake as professional wrestling), I love the big orange bastard and always will. True fact: I went to WrestleMania XXX this year mostly because I wanted to see a 60 year old man rip his shirt off and flex his ancient muscles. When he messed up and called the Superdome the Silverdome (where he body slammed Andre the Giant some 27 WretleManias earlier), I was the only person in the arena not booing, because that was my WrestleMania, brother. The one in Detroit. The one that set the records. The Greatest Night In the History of Our Sport.

I had to get through three hours of Raw for Hulk Hogan’s birthday celebration, which, frankly, is insane. Exactly zero things on television this side of a holiday marathon of The Twilight Zone should last three hours, but that’s exactly what Raw does: It lasts. It staggers. It lurches. It finishes, out of breath and somehow overtime, maneuvering its various pieces around in an effort to hide the fact that nothing is happening. The recurring theme of an episode of Raw these days is the price point of the WWE Network, where, oddly, you can’t watch Raw, because even though Vince McMahon has cast his lot with the future, he still finds his business shackled to the mediums of the past. 700,000 is, to me, an impressive number of human beings who are willing to pay for access to a staggering number of frankly mediocre wrestling shows, but the last I checked, the average episode of Raw manages to pull in 3,000,000, and they sit through ads for things like Juicy Drop Pops and Sonic Chili Cheese Dogs. They’ll sit through the not-infrequent advertisements that air during an episode of Raw, too, where the comedic wrestlers on the show shill food or beverage in a way that makes me wish I couldn’t ingest things. But I can, and I do. Often during wrestling. Tonight, it was curry. Sunday, when my $9.99 will allow me to watch Summerslam? Who knows? Summerslam was the focus of tonight’s episode of Raw, as all of the men and women who will have matches on the show did their bit to advance their storyline to the point where that match would take on some semblance of meaning. Some of the matches on Summerslam, you can tell, are just there to eat the clock. While I know a lot of people are looking forward to Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins, and while I suppose it makes a certain amount of sense that a feud based on one man’s quest to hunt down another who keeps running away would come to a head in a lumberjack match—that’s a match where the ring is surrounded by the wrestlers who will not be wrestling that evening—Ambrose and Rollins work much better when they have the arena as their playground. Similarly, an old-school Russia vs. USA Flag Match—the winner is the man who retrieves his flag from a pole that rises high above the ring—seems like a fun idea, but the WWE writer’s room stopped having interesting-if-poorly-informed things to say about the current political situation in Russia a few months ago, and Tea Party Patriot cum hirsute manager Zeb Coulter (picture Yosemite Sam on a fly fishing trip) constantly making reference to Rocky and Bullwinkle isn’t going to make Rocky IV feel any fresher in 2014.

But WWE can do a remarkable job of promoting a big match, and that is the axis upon which Summerslam revolves, the WWE World Heavyweight Championship clash between 15-time champion John Cena and unleashed Kraken Brock Lesnar. I like John Cena. I really like John Cena. I think the first John Cena match I saw was against Rob Van Dam at a WWE-produced revival of Extreme Championship Wrestling, a 90s entity that is responsible for revolutionizing wrestling in a number of ways large and small, one of which was to turn every professional wrestling fan over the age of 25 into an overly-entitled rage monster. I wasn’t watching wrestling much in 2006, but I remembered and liked ECW, so I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings in Taylor, Michigan to watch the somewhat local ECW legend Van Dam (from Battle Creek, MI) finally ascend to the WWE Championship (something I’d “borrowed” my mom’s credit card a few times to see in 2001, though Van Dam never clinched the title). ECW One Night Stand took place in the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City, which was a major hotbed for the organization when it was a real thing and not a marketing tool, and which remains a magnet for large independent wrestling events to this day. When John Cena’s music hit, 2,460 adult human beings really got on John Cena’s case for daring to be a professional wrester. He wore jean shorts, sneakers, and useless sweatbands, sure, but watching Cena go to work in that environment, 2,460 human adults chanting things like “Cena swallows” (a “hardcore” addendum to the time-tested chant of “Cena sucks”), I was won over by him immediately. By the time the people in the Buffalo Wild Wings, several thousand miles from New York City, started joining in on the chants emanating from the Hammerstein Ballroom, I knew I had a new favorite wrestler.

And so it’s been for me since then, which is a decision that’s treated me well. I’m into wrestling for the wrestling matches these days, and more often than not, on big shows, against big opponents, John Cena has one hell of a match. My favorite John Cena match in the past few years was the one that he had against Brock Lesnar at Extreme Rules in 2012, a stupidly named and often poorly booked show of “hardcore” matches that exists as a way to get a few thousand extra orders on a show that isn’t WrestleMania or Summerslam and that should go away post-haste, since the WWE Network exists, and, for $9.99, I’d watch WWE Singles Match if that’s what they wanted to call the damn thing. Cena vs. Lesnar had happened before, when John Cena was new and Brock Lesnar was thinking about quitting wrestling to try out for the National Football League, but I wasn’t watching and neither man was the symbol they’d become by the time 2012 brought Lesnar back to the world of fake fighting. Cena was the face of the WWE. Lesnar had gone legit, capturing the UFC Heavyweight Championship and maneuvering that sport towards an atmosphere that looked and sounded a lot like WWE, just without the benefit of goosed narratives. Diverticulitis took Lesnar out of the UFC, and a gigantic contract brought him back to a limited schedule of dates for the WWE. Now he functions much like Godzilla: When a major event comes around, he surfaces, wrecks a bunch of stuff, and leaves. He is the closest thing we have on this planet to a legitimate movie monster, and he is a glorious thing to behold. I love John Cena, but I want to see Brock Lesnar break him in half. I want him to make it look easy, like he’s hanging out on his ranch, shooting rifles with his brother, and eating a pile of terrible submarine sandwiches. Because John Cena is at his absolute best against guys like Lesnar, who are so good at the work they’ve been put here to do that they hate that work and the people who’d pay to witness it. Cena is great when he has to work for something, and ridding the WWE of the guy who crushed The Undertaker at WrestleMania, whose 21-0 streak going into WrestleMania XXX was the only thing in wrestling that could be said to mean more than any given title, is the only something left.

This episode of Raw presented something of a debate between Lesnar—represented by his advocate, Paul Heyman—and Cena; two extended interview segments that were both quite good. Heyman rapped, which, when you’re a 48-year-old man who was once prominently billed as “The Psycho Yuppie,” sounds more like Dr. Seuss than N.W.A., and Cena spoke largely about passion, how he has it, and how Lesnar’s lack of it means that he doesn’t deserve the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Heyman hit his peak a few weeks ago when he brought Lesnar out as the man who would conquer John Cena’s 15th reign as champion and has been coasting a bit since—making fun of Cena’s origins as the horrible white rapper from the mean streets of West Newbury has been a thing since Cena was that character—but that’s kind of the point. He’s the dude standing behind King Kong. He doesn’t need to try very hard, because even a subpar effort from Paul Heyman on the microphone is museum quality compared to anybody else in the game.

This was made painfully obvious by the evening’s other large piece of non-physical storytelling, the ongoing saga of Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon. An offshoot of last summer’s program that saw the rise of bearded populist hero Daniel Bryan in the face of a heartless corporate power structure that didn’t get why arenas across the country were making a big deal out of a guy they’d branded “goat face,” Bryan’s triumph at WrestleMania XXX (he beat Triple H, the head of the Authority, and then defeated Randy Orton and Batista to become the WWE World Heavyweight Champion) quickly turned sour, as his father died and he suffered a severe neck injury. This has caused him to relinquish the championship and largely disappear from television as he rehabs en route to an eventual return. Since, they’ve shunted the Bryan vs. Authority storyline to Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon, the wives (in reality and in wrestling) of Bryan and Triple H.

Sometimes, when Stephanie McMahon is leading Brie through segments, everything is fine. Stephanie McMahon has grown considerably as a character over the past 15 years of her being in the spotlight, and is perhaps the second best Evil Boss character in the history of the medium, behind only her father. Brie Bella…is not good at talking. That’d be fine in a reality television show, where she actually thrives, but in a storyline that requires her to garner sympathy from an arena full of angry dudes, it’s going to take more than blackmailing the boss and calling her a bitch every week to get people invested. So this week, Stephanie brought out Daniel Bryan’s personal trainer, who awkwardly admitted to having an affair with the former champion, Brie’s husband, etc. This was, I guess, supposed to embarrass Brie Bella, but the segment was mostly terrible because, for starters, the woman playing the physical therapist was an atrocious actor even by wrestling standards. McMahon intimating Bryan’s cries “Yes! Yes! Yes!” in a tone suggesting the fake pornographic moans of an Herbal Essences commercial was funny, and I guess it makes sense that a heel would resort to slutshaming (the poor physical therapist is there in the corner watching McMahon imitate her during sex) in an effort to make the live fans cheer for Brie, but I checked out on this angle around the time McMahon was thrown into a gigantic kiddie pool of human waste, and whatever loyalty I have to Daniel Bryan doesn’t automatically transfer over to his spouse, because that isn’t how well-developed characters are created. Still, McMahon vs. Bella is the second most important match on the second most important show on the WWE calendar, and the crowd absolutely eats it up whenever the two get into a physical confrontation. There’s probably something to be said about the fact that these confrontations have been built around the signature moves of their husbands, but I’m not swimming through the kiddie pool of human waste to retrieve it. Therein you’ll probably also find a salient point about the biggest insult hurled by McMahon or Bella, beyond “bitch,” is the insinuation that Brie Bella is not good at sexually satisfying Daniel Bryan, which is, I guess, the job you sign up for when you get married.

Finally, Brock Lesnar crashed Hulk Hogan’s birthday party, because of course he did. “Party’s over, grandpa,” he said, leering like the villain of an 80s film. Brock Lesnar is there to beat up the collective childhoods of everybody in that arena—beyond Hogan, the ring had filled with Roddy Piper, Ric Flair, the nWo of Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, “Mean” Gene Okerlund, Jimmy Hart, and “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff. John Cena saved the day, because of course he did, but that doesn’t matter much. Nothing happened between he and Lesnar, because that can wait until Sunday, until Summerslam, until you’ve given up $9.99 for it and the rest of the card. Before those two had their final confrontation, and before all of the old-timers came out and Scott Hall had a bit of fun running through his old nWo catchphrases and Hogan ripped off his red and yellow Hulkamania shirt to reveal the black and white New World Order shirt beneath, Gene Okerlund directed Hogan’s attention to the video screen, where a legitimately touching tribute to Hogan played. It was set to Bob Dylan’s “Forever Young.” Hulk Hogan is 61 now, and while he can come out and run through the catchphrases and rip his shirt off and do the same bodybuilding poses I saw as a four-year old, he’s never going to wrestle again. Time has officially caught up to Hulk Hogan, and seeing clips of him dropping leg after leg to Dylan was strange at first, somehow dissonant to what Hogan was, until it hit me that, well, it kind of fit. The Ultimate Warrior died this year. Randy Savage died in 2011.”When you turn 61-years-young,” Hogan said, bringing down the energy after mustering a bit of that vintage Hogan hype, “you start to reflect back on a few things.”

Nothing Hogan could say on a night that ended with him cutting into a birthday cake festooned with candles spelling out “9.99” was going to reach the zenith of what turned out to be the final public appearance of The Ultimate Warrior, but last night, The Immortal Hulk Hogan pondered his mortality. And while the footage of his staring down Brock Lesnar will likely be replayed over and over for the next year, if not longer, the fact that there was no physical altercation between the two—not even Lesnar shoving Hogan to the mat, which would have blown the roof off of the building—speaks volumes about what Hulk Hogan is capable of in 2014. Hulkamania may be willing, brother, but all the training, prayers, and vitamins in the world can’t stop time. Beyond a paycheck, this is why someone like Hulk Hogan might be interested in forking over $9.99 for the WWE Network. Not for Summerslam, which will be there regardless, but because he’ll be dropping legs and shredding t-shirts on it forever, immortal, as promised. For a wrestler—for the wrestler—that’s not a bad legacy.

Results:
- Paul Heyman addressed Brock Lesnar’s upcoming match against John Cena by “rapping.” Since he did so without a beat, one could even say he freestyled.
- Roman Reigns def. RybAxel (Ryback and Curtis Axel) via disqualification.
- Bray Wyatt and Chris Jericho had a face-to-face confrontation that was lifted entirely from The Silence of the Lambs.
- Seth Rollins def. Rob Van Dam via pinfall. After the match, Dean Ambrose emerged from a giant gift box to attack Rollins, who ran away through the crowd.
- Stephanie McMahon interviewed Daniel Bryan’s physical therapist, who admitted to having an affair with Bryan. This led Bryan’s wife, Brie Bella, to slap the therapist and attack McMahon, putting her in Bryan’s signature finishing maneuver, the Yes! Lock.
- Jack Swagger def. Cesaro via submission. He then stared down Rusev, their inactivity a metaphor for the Cold War.
- Eva Marie def. WWE Diva’s Champion AJ Lee by pinfall due to a distraction by Paige, who then read a terrible poem to mock her “frienemy,” which is an awful word to hear a trio of middle-aged men repeat seven or eight times in six minutes.
- John Cena called out Brock Lesnar, who did not respond.
- Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon did not occur, as Brie Bella was arrested for assaulting Daniel Bryan’s physical therapist.
- Heath Slater def. Dolph Ziggler via count-out, as The Miz was distracting Ziggler from the announce table.
- Randy Orton def. WWE United States Champion Sheamus by pinball.
- Hulk Hogan’s birthday party was interrupted by Brock Lesnar. The assembled old folks there to celebrate Hogan’s 61 years of Hulkamania running wild were saved from a beating by John Cena. Rather than fight, Lesnar ditched the ring, saving the inevitable clash for this Sunday’s Summerslam.
Rating:

For no reason other than that they played him down to the ring to it last night, be sure to listen to Paul Orndorff’s brilliant theme song:
August 12, 2014
Wrestling Review: WWE Monday Night Raw (10/22/12)
In WWE, the episode of Monday Night Raw before a pay-per-view is colloquially referred to as the “go home show,” the company’s last opportunity to embellish the storylines going into the weekend’s big matches. For me, that description has never worked for any episode of Raw besides the one before WrestleMania, which is, of course, the show, the one that events like this Sunday’s Hell in a Cell serve as a pyrokinetic PowerPoint presentation for, building up a year-long resume for the evening’s stars before the Monday after WrestleMania, where everything resets in order to build up to next year’s show. Regardless, this is the internet, and once nerds like me catch glimpse of phrases like “go home show,” every episode of Raw is evaluated not in terms of entertainment or plot, but in terms of how well it sells the upcoming pay per view.

On that level, tonight’s episode of Monday Night Raw was a puzzling mishmash of bizarre elements, the WWE’s signature brands of comedy and mock seriousness colliding with the otherworldly realness of “Best in the World” C.M. Punk and angry, glowering giant The Big Show. As a sales pitch, Raw is perhaps shackled by the fact that Hell in a Cell offers as its main attractions three first-time encounters in an environment that calls for the end of long-standing beef, but in the business of live, active entertainment, you deal with the cards you’re dealt, and the WWE had been given fan indifference in the face of another Sheamus/Alberto Del Rio encounter, and an injury to John Cena just as his feud with C.M. Punk began hurtling towards finality. The lead-in to Hell in a Cell and the pay per view itself have felt like a shuffling of the cosmic deck. Substituting for John Cena is Ryback. The Big Show has been called in as an audible for Alberto Del Rio. A tournament led to the establishment of a tag team division so that one new tag team could battle another over the tag team championships. This Sunday promises a few return bouts—Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz, Alberto Del Rio vs. Randy Orton, Eve vs. either Kaitlyn or Layla, and perhaps Antonio Caesaro vs. Justin Gabriel—but despite how good those match-ups have proven to be (Kingston/Miz and Caesaro/Gabriel have been pleasant surprises, as has Eve’s run as queen jerk of the WWE Divas), they’re afterthoughts to the ongoing championship reigns of Sheamus, Punk, and Team Hell No.

Stacked up against a presidential debate, Monday Night Football, and Game 7 of the NLCS, the approach taken to building these confrontations, with the exception of Punk/Ryback, played like the WWE’s oft-belittled writing staff throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks to the pre-match hype video. The prime example of this ethic is the story between Team Hell No and the Rhodes Scholars, a feud that’s been simmering since before Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow won the tag team tournament, way back when WWE let the fans christen Daniel Bryan and Kane “Team Hell No,” as opposed to the meme-worthy “Team Friendship. On the good end of this feud, Daniel Bryan and Kane both had and lost matches due to one dynamic of their partnership or the other: Bryan’s insecurity and Kane’s goofing around in the case of the excellent Bryan/Dolph Ziggler contest, and the Rhodes Scholars vulture-like mentality during Kane’s umpteenth encounter with The Big Show. Less impressive was WWE’s spin on The Newlywed Game, which promised a game of wits between the two tag teams and, instead, served as a platform for WWE afterthought Matt Striker to wish harm upon Team Hell No before getting chucked across the stage by The Big Show. The WWE has oddly succeeded with bits of anti-comedy like this before—as proof, look up their version of The Price is Right—but The Newly Tag Game, awkward name and all, was executed like something thought up on the fly and scratched during the commercial break. Luckily Rhodes Scholars closed out the tag team tournament with a strong match against Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara, so there’s still plenty off intrigue.

This schizophrenic approach has also permeated the issue between The Big Show and Sheamus, but to better effect. Sheamus is an interesting fellow, a big, tough, amiable champion who has grown leaps and bounds in the ring but whose reliance upon broad-stroke comedy has ranged from awkward (Irish stereotypes) to uncomfortable (Mexican and Jewish stereotypes). Against The Big Show, Sheamus has employed a simpleton’s logic: Daniel Bryan beat the big man 45 seconds into his reign as World Heavyweight Champion, Sheamus beat Daniel Bryan in 18 seconds at WrestleMania, therefore the outcome is clear. He’s joked around with Show, grappled with the futility of his Brogue Kick finishing maneuver against a man much taller than any of Sheamus’s prior opponents, and generally goofed around as The Big Show glowers, punches things, and reminds Sheamus that he’d best be serious if he stands a prayer of retaining his title. Tonight, in a clip that’ll just kill me if it sees any further airtime, Sheamus shilled his new Brawlin’ Buddy toy, which was quickly punched across the state line by The Big Show. Luckily, Show’s involvement in Sheamus’ lumberjack match against C.M. Punk did the job of building towards this Sunday’s championship bout.

Speaking of the lumberjack match (and I’ll probably speak more about it this weekend, as the “Wrestling Worth Watching” feature returns to cover individual matches from the week in a way that’s not appropriate in a regular review), it was billed as the largest such match in history, boasting some three dozen men surrounding the ring. I didn’t count them, but that sea of humanity was there for one reason: to part like the Red Sea before an incoming Ryback. It was an impressive image, the WWE Universe vacating one side of the ring to make way for the challenger to C.M. Punk’s title, and Punk’s attempt to get away from Ryback, only to be fed back to the ring by a cadre of good guys for one of Ryback’s impressive power moves, begs the question of what will happen when the two face each other in the cell, which is exactly the question the WWE wants you to ask.

What they don’t want you asking, hence the reshuffling of the deck, is why, exactly, John Cena gave up an opportunity to face Punk mere weeks after insisting, sling and all, that Hell In A Cell was the only way for C.M. Punk to validate his lengthy WWE Championship reign. While serving as Ryback’s cheerleader, Cena wound up being interrupted by Punk, who (in typical heel fashion) claimed it was evidence that Cena had come around to Punk’s overall superiority. Not so, said Cena. He just wasn’t medically cleared. It was incredibly confusing—Cena advocating one moment for the change Ryback represents, then claiming he only did it because he wasn’t cleared—made more confusing when Cena flexed his mighty arm, touting that he’d been cleared and was ready for a fight right-the-hell-now. Naturally, the match didn’t happen (Paul Heyman to Punk: “You don’t fight for free!”), and Cena was quickly called elsewhere, his presence for Hell In A Cell’s main event no longer required.

That “elsewhere” happened to be the ongoing saga of A.J. Lee, the WWE Diva who went from nerd-baiting background occupier to the most popular woman in WWE not named Kelly Kelly to oddly-written authority figure through a dizzying array of personal relationships, uncalled for attacks, and strange business decisions. This week, before her home town (never a good place for a wrestler to be, C.M. Punk excluded), she unceremoniously resigned from the post of Raw General Manager amid rumor that she’d been fraternizing with the boys in the back, namely one John Cena. A.J.’s resignation was one of the more odd, strangely affecting segments in recent WWE history, a curious mix of A.J.’s real history and the bizarre turns her storyline had taken. With her thanking the fans and hugging Vince McMahon (nobody hugs Vince McMahon!), it was a moment simultaneously real and unreal, something that could either go nowhere or herald A.J.’s long-awaited reentry in the Diva’s division.

Instead, she’s now caught up in an alleged affair with John Cena, who has made a habit of appropriating elements of other wrestler’s storylines. After WrestleMania, it was Cena who went against C.M. Punk’s sworn enemy Johnny Ace. It’s Cena who’s taken to the occasional “YES!” or “FEED ME MORE!” chant. And now it’s Cena with A.J., a woman who once carried the promise of being the WWE’s first autonomous female character who now finds herself loosely tied to the affections of another of the WWE’s titans of masculinity. Cena’s constant refrain—he and A.J. had nothing more than a “business dinner”—was as inauthentic as the thought of his being romantically entangled with any of the WWE Divas, and heaps an unnecessary amount of drama onto the role of General Manager, a position that’s best when the character occupying it is conniving and sly, or otherwise invincible. Sure, there are other elements to the story, and Cena needs something to do until his elbow is fully recovered, but none of those elements are clicking, and this isn’t it.

Rating: Stray Observations:
- I mentioned it in the post, but the feature “Wrestling Worth Watching” will be returning this week, sometime after the conclusion of Hell In A Cell. There’s a vast difference between the narrative structure of a television show and the merit of an individual wrestling match. Of note here, for the interested: Rhodes Scholars vs. Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio, Dolph Ziggler vs. Daniel Bryan, and the C.M. Punk vs. Sheamus lumberjack match.
- Daniel Bryan, on Kane: “You love rainbows!”
- Bryan’s reaction to winning The Newly Tag Game was great, a return to his bombastic celebrations as World Heavyweight Champion, but the crowd just wasn’t buying the segment.
October 23, 2012
Wrestling Review: WWE Monday Night Raw (10/15/12)
For weeks now, the narrative of WWE Monday Night Raw has been this: to cement his legacy as an all-time great champion, CM Punk would need to defeat John Cena within the confines of Hell in a Cell, WWE’s steel cage warzone that’s seen its fair share of company defining moments. On one level, this makes sense: many of the company’s top feuds, from The Undertaker’s battles with Shawn Michaels and Mankind to Triple H’s beefs with Chris Jericho and Cactus Jack, have wound up there, and Cena/Punk is certainly worthy. On another, it’s a complete mystery: Punk’s been involved in two Hell in a Cell matches and hasn’t outright lost to John Cena since before last year’s WrestleMania. The cell has mostly loomed in the background as another specter of WWE past, taunting the long-tenured WWE Champion like Bret Hart, Mick Foley, Jim Ross, and Vince McMahon have over the past few weeks. Tonight was billed as the night CM Punk chose between John Cena and Ryback as his eventual challenger, and also as an evening during which Vince McMahon would potentially choose Punk’s opponent. In a move unsurprising to folks who follow injury reports but inconsistent in terms of overall narrative, neither Punk nor McMahon chose who would be stepping into Hell in a Cell, but John Cena, who abdicated the ring and led the audience in Ryback’s chant of “FEED ME MORE.”

This swerve came despite Cena telling Vince McMahon that he was ready, if need be, for the challenge of the Cell. Despite weeks of him telling Punk that respect and a lasting legacy would only be his if he agreed to the match. Obviously, Cena’s elbow is still an issue, but stepping away from a fight he was previously begging for is something completely outside his character, even when he was a white rapper of questionable associations nearly a decade ago. Ryback, fortunately for the WWE, is an able substitute. Listen to the response he gets, even after failing to lift up the monstrous Tensai for his finishing maneuver a week ago. There is no hotter act in wrestling. The only thing the WWE has to fear is that Ryback’s luster is diminished by a loss, or that a championship victory is too much, too soon. It’ll hurt the narrative a little, but not enough to seriously damage Vince McMahon’s unsinkable ship.

Ryback, love him or hate him (I’m a fan), is the best example of the WWE’s seemingly newfound ability to turn its new stars from awkward newcomers into characters worth investing time into over a short period of time. The law of diminishing returns has effectively caused the Funkasaurus to go extinct, but acts like Damien Sandow and Antonio Caesaro have done well for themselves; Kofi Kingston, The Miz, Cody Rhodes, and Sin Cara have gotten a new sense of purpose; and the much maligned Tag Team and Divas divisions have had an energy to them that has been largely absent for years.

A lot of this, oddly, has been a side-effect of Jerry “The King” Lawler’s heart attack and subsequent hiatus from the broadcast position. That night forced play-by-play announcer Michael Cole to drop his evil ways and return to simply reporting on matches, rather than actively picking favorites. He’s been joined at the table by Jim Ross and John Bradshaw Layfield, both of whom are gifted analysts with whom Cole has tremendous chemistry. Layfield was not on Raw tonight, but Ross has a way of connecting with wrestling fans that, as an announcer myself, is both enviable and hard to describe. Cole, sitting beside him, is tremendously effective in making Ross’s points digestible to the WWE’s young demographic. If the aim of broadcasting this format is to make the wrestlers in the ring look as good as possible, few recent matches have befitted as much as the one between Kofi Kingston and The Miz, which was meant to hype a title fight between the two on WWE’s new Wednesday night show. I’ve been disinterested in Kofi Kingston for some time and have never really been a fan of The Miz, but listening to Ross talk about Kingston’s history and Cole put over The Miz’s accomplishments, it really felt like their match meant something. Considering that the issue sprung from an incident where Larry King’s wife through water in The Miz’s face, that’s saying a lot about both the commentary and the match itself.

Similarly, the WWE has found a way to make The Big Show a compelling character again: a disgruntled carnival strongman with a right hand that’s literally lethal, facing down a grinning goofball Irishman whose most compelling argument for success is that a mutual opponent once beat Show in 45 seconds. Tonight, The Big Show demanded to face Daniel Bryan in a match so he could “erase the memory” of his 45 second title reign and handily defeated the WWE Tag Team Champion. The match achieved the dual purpose of establishing Show as a legitimate threat (something that’s proven hard in the past, despite the man’s size) and further gelling the team of Bryan and Kane, the unlikely champions who belittle each other but are growing into a semi-functional unit. The odd man out here is World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus, who would probably be one of my favorite wrestlers were he not involved in a mind-boggling amount of lame sketches that’ve resorted to bullying, racial stereotyping, and grand theft auto, none of which have utilized his natural charisma, nor the size and strength that make him so impressive.

The result of this episode of Raw is that the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view is now much more full, though it remains unclear as to what matches will actually end up in the cage. There’s Punk and Ryback, as mentioned by Vince McMahon, and I presume Big Show and Sheamus will also end up there. Daniel Bryan and Kane may face the winners of next weeks Rey Mysterio/Sin Cara vs. Damien Sandow/Cody Rhodes encounter in Hell in a Cell, but that’d be three first-time matches taking place in a structure formerly reserved for the end of a long-standing conflict.

In this regard, give CM Punk and manager Paul Heyman most of the credit for selling the upcoming show. Punk, as always, has really taken to the role of smarmy jerk, and if anybody deserves to go through the crucible of Hell in a Cell, it’s him. Punk has been through two such matches, as previously mentioned, but neither of them were classics. Paul Heyman, though, was a big part of one of WWE’s best such brawls, a bloodbath between his client Brock Lesnar and Hell in a Cell staple The Undertaker. He may be pivotal two weeks from now, worrying outside the cage as his man stares across the ring at a young challenger with nothing to lose, unheard of momentum, and an unbeaten record. The vitriol aimed at Punk since he attacked Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson on the thousandth episode of Raw crossed into the realm of reality last week, when Punk punched a fan, retaliating to a hostile crowd trying to push him down a flight of stairs. The WWE Universe is out for his blood, meaning that there was no bad choice for Hell in a Cell. If only that choice had followed the WWE’s already established logic.

Rating:

Stray Observations:
- Raw General Manager A.J. Lee has become less and less essential to the show since she was given power and granted a last name, but they’re still portraying her as an emotionally unstable woman who doesn’t like the word “crazy.” This resulted in an odd verbal gaffe by Michael Cole, who noted that he shouldn’t “call A.J. the ‘C-word.’” That’s a basic rule of thumb for all women, Mr. Cole.
- Vince McMahon’s reply when Ryback said “FEED ME PUNK?” “I’ll take it under consideration.”
- Paul Heyman is perhaps the greatest slimeball manager in wrestling history. The way he tries warming up to Vince McMahon while also setting him up for a match against Punk was great. His response to Vince when McMahon said he’d only take a match against Heyman (“That’s not what I pitched! That’s not what I pitched!”) was golden.
- I like Wade Barrett a lot, but I can never tell if he has a new theme song, or if they’ve just given him something that bland and generic. Considering how many times they changed Barrett’s music when he was a member of Nexus and The Corre, I wouldn’t be surprised if they just haven’t settled on one generic rock song or another. Entrance music is a big part of professional wrestling (for one, it lets the audience know exactly how to respond the moment a wrestler enters the arena), and Barrett’s considerable mystique would only be enhanced by something recognizable.
October 16, 2012
TV Review: WWE Monday Night Raw (7/24/12)

At times, last night’s episode of WWE Raw felt like it was being piped in from several alternate universes, which, I suspect, is just the nature of the “family reunion” style of show the company is fond of putting on when it meets and eclipses certain milestones. If, like me, you have an oddly (sadly) precise memory for the goings-on of World Wrestling Entertainment, things like the Degeneration X reunion—which saw Triple H and Shawn Michaels join forces with X-Pac and the New Age Outlaws for fifteen minutes of passable, PG jokes about how old the quintet has become—are head-scratching affairs due to giant, gaping holes in continuity. Yes, the Triple H/Shawn Michaels configuration of the group wore the same t-shirts as the Triple H/X-Pac/New Age Outlaws iteration, but Michaels had considerable beef with those dudes once he was ousted from the group, and said beef was never satisfactorily resolved. (more…)

July 24, 2012