Note: In pop culture, plenty of things fail. It’s the nature of the business. Movies, albums, TV shows–hundreds of products are made in an effort to get us to buy them and, generally speaking, it’s a good year for those industries if we dig a fraction of what comes out. The Undiscovered Country, a new series at Fear of a Ghost Planet, will take a look at some of pop culture’s more fascinating failures, the obscure and the cult alike, and wonder what’d happen if things went slightly different. The series begins with one of pro-wrestling’s more infamous–ahem–turkeys.
A little backstory: In the fall of 1990, the WWF was carting around a giant mystery egg from show to show, with the promise that it would hatch at the WWF’s Thanksgiving spectacular, the Survivor Series. Yes, a mystery egg. There was absolutely no way that anything in that egg was getting over, but the WWF gamely toted it from town to town and, somehow, people seemed to be interested in the egg’s eventual hatching. I doubt it showed up in the bottom line, but based on the reaction of the Hartford crowd when the egg started to crack (not to mention when “Mean” Gene Okerlund mentioned that it could be the Playmate of the Year, among other ridiculous possibilities), there were people looking forward to the egg’s contents making his/hers/its debut. Here, for the record, is what happened:
Make no mistake, The Gobbledy Gooker was a terrible gimmick, perhaps the worst of all time. Sure, wrestling has had its Shockmasters and its Arachnamans, its Ding Dongs and its Lazer Trons (also portrayed by the man in the Gooker outfit) (weird that I’m only naming WCW gimmicks), but the Gooker was so bad that he lasted one show. One. They made that costume. They carted that egg around. They gave him nine minutes of time on one of the biggest pay per views a year. He didn’t make it off of his first show, which, in wrestling, is amazing. The Shockmaster lasted a few months. The Boogeyman went a couple of years. Plenty of terrible wrestlers with awful gimmicks get eons to make it, as a wrestling character is, essentially, an investment in the future. As seen from the following promotional videos, the Gooker was supposed to stick around, but the reaction was so bad that giving the poor bird another shot would have been suicide:
The Gooker has since passed into legend, his name synonymous with terrible wrestling gimmicks. The old queen of wrestling websites, Wrestlecrap, annually hands out the Gooker Award for excellence in bad booking. It’s pointless to defend the gimmick, but that’s not what I’m setting out to do here. As awesome as a Koko B. Ware/Gooker tag team run would have been (or, for that matter, a Gooker/Tugboat team, just to pair Gooker and Shockmaster), the fact of the matter is that the WWF blew the whole Gobbledy Gooker thing by hiring a really talented wrestler to inhabit the suit, a wrestler who was doing stuff that few, if any, wrestlers in the WWF were doing at the time.
Re-watch that video of the Gooker’s debut. A lot of ink and bile has been spilled about the square dancing and the turkey strut and “Mean” Gene’s athletic prowess and the hard sell job by Roddy Piper and Gorilla Monsoon, but there’s more to the angle than that. In a hostile crowd, in a full body suit, Hector Guerrero, he of the famous Guerrero wrestling family, was able to jump into the ring, do a forward and back roll, a cartwheel, and, most impressively, a flip into the ring followed by another forward roll. Were he just Hector Guerrero, were this just a segment on WWF Superstars or All-American Wrestling, were he squashing the Brooklyn Brawler or “Quick Draw” Rick McGraw, Hector Guerrero’s debut would have represented the first significant penetration of the Mexican lucha libre style in the promotion since Madison Square Garden lifted their ban on masked grapplers, which allowed Mil Mascaras to feud with Billy Ghaham for the WWF Title. Moreover, Hector was a rather talented wrestler, as these 1997 matches against Dean Malenko will illustrate:
Yeah, I know, it’s a match against Dean freaking Malenko, who, it is publicly documented, never had a bad match, ever. Besides which, these matches took place seven years after the Gooker gimmick flopped, when Hector was in his 40s, a ring technician and jobber to the stars. Here’s a match from 1995, two years earlier, against 2 Cold Scorpio for the ECW Television Title:
2 Cold Scorpio was also a good wrestler, but I think you get the point. Hector Guerrero was a wrestler’s wrestler, man. A joy to watch, regardless of his sparkly WCW trunks or the fact that his most significant television exposure, for most wrestling fans, came in the twilight of his career. He was a smart wrestler from a smart family, and, watching him at 43 against Dean Malenko and at 41 against Scorpio, it’s tempting to think that, had Eddie Guerrero not died in 2005, he would have been wrestling a similar style, if slightly modified for the WWE main event scene’s purposes.
But this is still Hector at 41 and 43, which, for a wrestler, is an eternity from the 36 at which he donned the Gooker suit. Had he been the Hector of his brief WCW and ECW stints, he would have faded away–a good wrestler working a less than interesting gimmick in an era where interesting gimmicks were absolutely necessary. But it didn’t have to be that way, either. Check out this singles match from Championship Wrestling from Florida, where, in an all-stereotype match, Hector Guerrero takes on Chief Joe Lightfoot:
The guy seconding Hector, with the beard and the bandoliers, is Chavo Guerrero, father of Chavo Guerrero Jr., and the gimmick they’re working in CWF, at least to me, looks like a precursor to the lying, cheating, stealing Eddie and Chavo Guerrero tandem that, along with the teams of Edge/Rey Mysterio and Kurt Angle/Chris Benoit, defined an era of WWE SmackDown!, giving Brock Lesnar maybe the best midcard support any champion had since Hulk Hogan and the nWo dominated WCW.
You know how WWE really blew it with the Gooker? They could have done Los Guerreros 12 years before they did, adding another strong tag team to what was already a great tag team division, and instead they got a turkey to square dance with “Mean” Gene. As a wrestling fan, the Gooker’s utter failure is humorous, and his in-ring debut at Wrestlemania X7 was worth the wait (he was eliminated second in the event’s gimmick battle royale, after the Repo Man), but the prospect of Rockers vs. Guerreros or Hart Foundation vs. Guerreros is tantalizing to my wrestlethalmus. Here Hector and Chavo are against the Rock and Roll Express, and Hector teaming with Mando against the Badd Company, who, later, would become the Orient Express, who, as previously documented, had an awesome match at Royal Rumble 1991 against the Rockers.
But, on the flip side, had the Gooker never made his debut, had the Guerrero Brothers made their way to the WWF instead of a man in a giant turkey suit, the potential for incredibly awkward Diva’s division returns would be lost to all of us, and Thanksgivings would be decidedly void of the one-off wrestling character it so richly deserves.
Perhaps more than any other professional wrestler, UltraMantis Black is a walking contradiction. He has competed in violent death matches, professed his goals of world domination, and torn other wrestlers asunder with his deadly intellect and an arsenal of finishing maneuvers whose names—Praying Mantis Bomb, Cosmic Doom, and Cosmic Disaster being but a few of them—sound like the sort of things Dr. Doom would deploy against the Fantastic Four. But the former Angry Insect Evildoer also has a soft side, as indicated by his love of animals, his veganism, and, perhaps most tellingly, the Christmas-themed sleeve tattoos running down both of his arms.
If you’re one of the dozens who read Blogamania, my first attempt at blogging about the weird and wonderful corner of pop culture known as professional wrestling, then you know that my first CHIKARA show, 2010’s We Must Eat Michigan’s Brain, was my foot in the door to the world of independent wrestling, which, for so long, had been a stop-gap measure for wrestlers who weren’t suitable for the WWF, WCW, or ECW. A lot has changed since then, and UltraMantis, a nine-year veteran of the squared circle, is indicative of a dramatic shift in the medium. While huge, larger-than-life narratives were once the bread and butter of the WWE, those are slowly being fazed out in favor of a parade of generically tattooed musclemen arguing over a title that changes hands every three weeks. While there’s still some fight in that old horse, wrestling’s most satisfying stories are now being told in the recreation centers, flea markets, and bingo halls of this great land, the very venues that were once mocked and derided by the likes of Eric Bischoff and Jerry “the King” Lawler on broadcasts of Monday Night Raw and Monday Nitro. The underground is thriving, a veritable phantasmagoria of personality and athleticism the likes of which you won’t find on cable TV, and the devious, megalomaniacal UltraMantis Black is the very picture of indie wrestling’s something-for-everybody ethic. I dropped into CHIKARA in the middle of UltraMantis Black’s war with the Bruderschaft Des Kreuzes and was immediately hooked. He returned a year later, and I’d convinced a sizable group of friends to check out the product, and bake UltraMantis a vegan peanut butter cake.
I’ve written a little about the privilege of being an indie fan, and one of them that I’ve only just recently discovered is that guys like UltraMantis are pretty open to being interviewed. He is a mere two days away from the biggest weekend of his career, a weekend where he not only joins forces with seven other wrestlers to take on the combined powers of the BDK and the Batiri in CHIKARA’s annual torneo cibernetico, but, at the company’s debut internet pay per view, he teams with Hallowicked and puts his mask, his very identity on the line against BDK kingpins Ares and Tim Donst. This still-relevant clip from late last year explains part of UltraMantis Black’s vegan beef substitute with Ares, the Swiss god of war:
The feud between Mantis and Ares—not to mention the one between Hallowicked and Tim Donst, the other half of Sunday’s luchas de apuestas—is far too complex to be recapped in whole here, but UltraMantis is putting his very career on the line in his effort to obliterate the BDK and liberate his and Hallowicked’s former ally Delirious from the influences of the Eye of Tyr, an ancient artifact said to grant the bearer unspeakable powers. The tag team match may look tawdry compared to the headlining clash between CHIKARA founder Mike Quackenbush and Eddie Kingston, but this, friends, is the culmination of two years of bitter hatred, heated confrontations, and unforeseen backstabbings. This is pro-wrestling at its best, and is a huge reason why CHIKARA’s High Noon event is, for many wrestling fans, larger even than WrestleMania. Following the video is the interview UltraMantis was kind enough to accept.
Fear of a Ghost Planet: At Sunday’s High Noon event, you partner with Hallowicked to take on the BDK contingent of Ares and Tim Donst in luchas de apuestas, where you have pledged to unmask if Ares or Donst can defeat you by pinfall or submission. On old telecasts of WCW Monday Nitro, esteemed nerd Mike Tenay often spoke of the luchadore’s mask as his identity. Would you say that the same is true for you? What does the mask mean to you? What would it mean to lose it?
UltraMantis Black: Absolutely agree with Mr. Michael Tenay. In the old tradition of Lucha Libre, a wrestler’s mask is his most valued asset and indeed his or her entire identity and to lose the mask at the hands of another is a most shameful fate. My mask is who I am and without the mask, there is no UltraMantis. As I have said before – if my mask is taken, my career within the squared circle will end.
Fear of a Ghost Planet: In your nine year professional career, I’d be willing to guess that no wrestling fan has seen your face. You’re putting all of that on the line for the Eye of Tyr. Can you give some background on the Eye? What do you plan to do with it?
UltraMantis Black: The reasons I would put my mask and identity on the line are few and far between. I am doing so in order to possess the Eye once more. The Eye has a very ancient and storied history. It has long been believed to hold powers beyond the realm of human comprehension. Some would refer to this power as “mind control”. Ares stole the Eye from me and used it to gain control of Delirious, a former ally of the current Spectral Envoy stable. By taking back the Eye, I will fulfill a promise to my “Nightmare Warrior” Hallowicked to liberate Delirious from his mental enslavement to the BDK. I then have other plans for the artifact…
Once, UltraMantis Black used the Eye of Tyr to bend Delirious to his will. At High Noon, he hopes to use it in freeing Delirious from the tyranny of the BDK.
Fear of a Ghost Planet: You’re a CHIKARA original, one of the first graduates of the WrestleFactory, and the war between the BDK and CHIKARA quickly escalated to the point where you and your cohorts were fighting for the soul of the promotion. You’ve put aside old grudges and forged a few new ones in your effort to get to Ares, and it seems like High Noon is, to date, your best chance to vanquish the BDK for good. What would that mean for you, going forward?
UltraMantis Black: By ridding myself as well as CHIKARA of the BDK once and for all, I can finally bury my enemies and old grudges once and for all and move forward with the mission of The Spectral Envoy – to ascend to the top of the CHIKARA food chain while simultaneously controlling the universe.
Fear of a Ghost Planet: Also on the docket for you this weekend, an eight on eight showdown against the BDK and the Batiri in CHIKARA’s eighth annual torneo cibernetico. You and Hallowicked have chosen an eclectic bunch—The Throwbacks, The Young Bucks, Green Ant, and Sara Del Rey—to face this unified front. What was your strategy in selecting a complimentary team, and what, do you feel, will be the key to victory on Saturday?
UltraMantis Black: I actually can’t speak too much to that question as it was in fact Hallowicked, the Cibernetico team captain, who chose these individuals. He is quite wise you see. However I can tell you that all of these individuals have either engaged in previous battles with our opponents or have scores to settle. The key to victory lies in our ability to function as a cohesive fighting unit. I have great confidence.
Fear of a Ghost Planet: To go back to the mask, I have several questions about it and the lifestyle associated with wrestlers who wear them. How many masks do you own? How has being lucha affected your ring presence and style? Has it changed the way you interact with people? Are you, after nine years under a hood, afraid to reveal your face, or is the mask your true visage?
UltraMantis Black: I currently own around 20 masks – some I have never worn in a CHIKARA environment. I have adapted to life in and out of the ring under a mask quite easily. Do I fear revealing my face? Difficult to say. I fear very little in this world but the mere thought does indeed send a shiver down my spine.
Fear of a Ghost Planet: As the leader of the Neo Solar Temple, you often spoke of your goal of world domination through professional wrestling. Despite (or perhaps because of) that goal you don’t often compete outside of a CHIKARA ring. What is so alluring about your home promotion, and why don’t you take many extra-CHIKARA excursions?
UltraMantis Black: I still do on occasion. However, as you say, CHIKARA is indeed my home and after time, you always return home. In the United States, I truly feel that CHIKARA is the premier professional wrestling stage at this time.
Fear of a Ghost Planet: I’m sure that many people still don’t know what to do with the phrase “vegan professional wrestler,” but not only are you one, you’re quite passionate about animal rights. Rather than ask about the dietary aspects of the lifestyle (I’m sure you manage), I’m curious: How difficult is it to procure vegan wrestling gear? And, as a guy with a fair number of tattoos, are those vegan as well? How hard is it to find a tattoo artist who slings vegan ink?
UltraMantis Black: Wrestling gear can be difficult however at this time I have a dedicated fashion designer who custom makes all of my masks and ring gear to my specifications and he is aware of the materials I will and won’t wear so the problem has been alleviated. As for tattoos, again I am lucky in the fact that my loyal prophet Crossbones does all of my work and fulfills my requests to use only pigments not derived from charcoal sourced from animal bone or glycerin based carrier solution and soaps. There are some fabulous all-vegan tattoo shops out there that I’d encourage people to support.
In the Black Tea Garden, every day is Christmas Day (photo credit: m-drop.com)
Fear of a Ghost Planet: Your taste in music is well-reflected by your merchandise, which takes influence not only from hardcore greats like Black Flag and Bad Brains, but groups like the Smiths. What do you find is the best music to get you ready for a match? What records keep you going for long trips in the car?
UltraMantis Black: Great question! Difficult to answer! I listen to EVERYTHING. Pre-match, the heavier and harsher the better – Integrity, Judge, Infest, assorted vegan death metal. Road trips to shows – lots of English music: new wave, no wave, neo-no/new wave, cold wave, early post-punk like Echo & the Bunnymen, Joy Division, of course the Smiths, northern soul, rocksteady/dancehall. Also, pretty much anything that emerged from Washington DC circa 1980-1995.
Fear of a Ghost Planet: You recently performed at the Secret Art Space (in Bethlehem, PA) with the Human Genome Project. How is performing as a member of a band different than performing in the squared circle? Do you plan on future musical endeavors? Perhaps a spoken word album?
UltraMantis Black: I played in a bands long before I stepped into the ring and even continued doing so incognito as I wrestled. This was the first time I merged both. It was something I felt like I needed to do and it was quite cathartic. If you’ve seen that performance, you’d probably agree that there was more spoken word than music. I have a tendency to rant a great deal when there are things burning on my mind. As for the future, we shall see. Some of the musicians involved perform in other bands that take precedence. Either way, the crossover was quite positive.
Warning: The audio on this video is far from perfect
Fear of a Ghost Planet: I asked Jakob Hammermeier an awkward question about his dating life, and it seems to be a popular one for wrestling fans to ask, so here goes: On top of your duties as a professional wrestler and color commentator, you happen to be the Mayor of Parts Unknown, a position, I’m sure, that requires a certain amount of image upkeep. What are you looking for in a First Mantis?
UltraMantis Black: One who isn’t afraid to unapologetically crush our enemies with one fell swoop of the universal hammer of karmic retribution. Must be a snuggler.
Fear of a Ghost Planet: Thank you very much for your time. Any last words before you go?
UltraMantis Black: Speak out – fight back! Go vegan – stay vegan!Buy some t-shirts – ultramantisblack.com!Gratitude to Fear of a Ghost Planet for the speaking platform!
—
Again, thanks to UltraMantis for taking the time to answer my fairly ridiculous line of questioning. If you’re on Twitter, follow him @UltraMantis. If you’re a wrestling fan, an ex-wrestling fan, a jaded wrestling fan, or a friend of mine who is tired of hearing me talk about wrestling and thinks that watching a show and making fun of it will get me to shut up, please consider ordering CHIKARA’s High Noon iPPV at gfl.tv. For $15, which is less than the price of a 3D movie, you will be treated to pro-wrestling the likes of which you never imagined possible, and will be supporting the little guy. The WWE’s a publicly traded company now, so ordering this show is a lot like occupying Wall Street. It’s more than fun–it’s a civic duty!
Jakob Hammermeier is a man of many hats, a loyal wrestler/ring announcer/manager of the Bruderschaft Des Kreuzes, perhaps the most dastardly stable to have graced the squared circle. He’s been a presence in the Philadelphia-based CHIKARA promotion since January of 2010 as the BDK’s personal ring announcer/ringside attendant, but, after a year of abuse an injury at the hands of CHIKARA’s technicos, he decided to take matters into his own hands, seeking out training from recent WWE-signee Claudio Castagnoli and Ares, the Swiss god of war.
While perhaps not as feared or respected as BDK stalwarts Tursas and Tim Donst, Jakob has nevertheless made a name for himself as an in-ring competitor, having scored victories over the likes of Gregory Iron, Dasher Hatfield, Da Soul Touchaz, and Green Ant, building an impressive resume and maneuvering himself into contention for CHIKARA’s Young Lions Cup, currently held by Tadasuke, of the Osaka Pro promotion in Japan.
While it may not have come across to Jakob from the way this interview went down, Mr. Hammermeier is one of my favorite personalities in indie wrestling. His self-announced ring entrance is fantastic, his shilling of his Team Jakob t-shirts was a highlight of intermission at the three CHIKARA events I’ve been to this year, and the man is as fashion forward as they come, unafraid to wear a tie and a vest without a shirt. In one week, he faces maybe his biggest challenge at CHIKARA’s High Noon iPPV, which takes place Sunday, November 13, live from the former ECW Arena in Philly. In one on one action, he takes on Sara Del Rey, just one of many matches that are well worth your time and money. Jakob was kind enough to answer a few of my questions about the event, which you can order at gfl.tv. Now, the interview…
Q: I suspect most people assume that Sara Del Rey might kill you at Chikara’s High Noon iPPV, but, as you’ve proven in matches against the likes of Eddie Kingston, you’re a resilient competitor. What’s the secret to your strength?
Jakob Hammermeier: Well put mein freund. I am resilient. Sara Del Rey is going to underestimate me just like everyone does, this along with the fact that I am more resilient than anybody on the CHIKARA roster. Bone density is the secret. I drink more milk than the average bear, that’s for sure!
Q: As some may be aware, you’re the first graduate of the BDK WrestleFactory. What advantages do you feel that has given you over a graduate of another wrestling school?
JH: Ares und Claudio Castagnoli are bar none the BEST trainers in all of profressional wrestling. I feel this gives me an advantage because they honed in to train me all by mein lonesome as opposed to one teacher training a whole class. It is comparable to the private schools versus the deplorable U.S. public school system. Assisted lessons by the rest of the BDK (including the aformentioned “homewrecker”) I received a melting pot of different styles from which to pick und chose.
Q: Your in-ring career has been relatively short. What would winning Cibernetico or defeating a world-renowned competitor like Del Rey do for somebody in your position? Do you think about taking matches outside of CHIKARA—a Team Jakob World Tour, maybe?
JH: Mo’ money! Mo’ recognition! Mo’ Jakob merchandise as a result! Also, don’t think for one second that I have taken mein eyes off of the YLC. So a big win may get me in a YLC match.
Q: Being a member of the BDK must make you quite a catch at the local biergarten. Who is a better wingman—Tim Donst, or Tursas?
JH: Tim Donst. Tursas consumes women almost as quickly as he consumes mead and venison. Not much of a conversationalist. Tim on the other hand, usually talks about himself so much that the women just need someone to listen to them, we usually talk about hair products.
Q: Your role in the BDK has evolved rapidly, from ring announcer to manager to in-ring competitor. What do you see in the BDK’s future? What role will you play in it?
JH: I see the BDK turning things around. We obviously did a number on a gaggle of technicos in CHIKARA’s southern excursion. At the Cibernetico und High Noon, we will ride that momentum into next season. I plan on being a soldier for the cause, with always keeping the YLC in the back of mein mind.
Q: If you could call your finishing maneuver anything besides the “Rude Awakening,” what would it be?
JH: Although mein finishing maneuver is indeed inspired by Rick Rude (one of mein childhood favorites) mein variation already has a name, “Gute Nacht!” it truly is devastating.
Q: As a ring announcer, a match’s presentation must be very important to you. If you could hand pick a two-man announce team to call your match at High Noon, who would man the commentation station?
JH: JH: Good ol’ JR und LFC [CHIKARA’ s own Leonard F. Chikarason] .
Q: You’re a frequent presence at ringside, particularly during the matches Tursas is competing in. What philosophies do you bring as a manager, and how does somebody as wise and battle-tested as he respond to your suggestions?
JH: I don’t really have philosophies of mein own. I just take mein orders from Ares and remind Tursas of the battle plan. Sometimes his rage gets in the way of strategy, und I am there to keep him on track.
Q: What, right now, is a bigger threat to the BDK: A unified Spectral Envoy, or the free radical, Sara Del Rey.
JH: I had no idea that this interview would have such loaded biased questions. This is horribly unprofessional. This interview is over!
And that’s how my e-mail communique with Jakob ended. I did not get any tips on hair care, and I did not find out which IKEA the BDK plans to storm if they’re successful at Cibernetico: The Animated Series and the High Noon iPPV. For more information on High Noon, Jakob Hammermeier, and CHIKARA itself, head on over to chikarapro.com.
Another week, another tweak: It doesn’t make much sense to split up posts for the WWE’s televised content and their webshows, nor would it be entirely fair to an independent promotion if I spent half of a post talking about their work ethic and general awesomeness and the other half talking about how thankful I am that Maxine and Derrik Bateman actually kiss in a wrestling relationship. So NXT and Superstars are migrating here, to the weekly post about the WWE. Indie promotions and WWE’s developmental company, Florida Championship Wrestling, will get their own post starting next week. TNA and ROH, TV options two and three, will continue to get their own post, and pay per views will receive coverage separate from everything else, even if wrestling threatens to choke the slider bar on the main page out. I’m formulating a full blown schedule of posts for Fear of a Ghost Planet, but for now, much like the early 90s, if it’s the weekend, that must mean it’s time for some wrestling.
WWE Raw (10/31/11)
Before I go into a full-blown recap of Raw, allow me to vent: There are few things in pop culture that I love as much as pro-wrestling, and, of those things, the Muppets are probably tops, so much so that I once had a blog about them. This isn’t really the time or place to get into why I love Jim Henson’s ragtag creations, but I approached Monday Night’s episode with the sort of nervous trepidation I anticipate the new Muppet movie with. Yes, the Muppets are iconic and timeless and capable of making me happy on sight, and yes, two of my favorite things were colliding in ways most people with two favorite things never experience. This wasn’t that scene in Toy Story 3 where Andy had to choose between Woody and Buzz–both of my childhood preoccupations were on my TV screen at the same time. But, going into Raw, I knew I’d only be seeing the Muppets by proxy, Kermit the Frog & Co. as written by a group of people who, if you ask the typical manifesto blogging wrestling fan, don’t know their own product, let alone Jim Henson’s. It’s been a long time–a very long time–since the Muppets did anything resembling the gang’s Jim Henson heydey, and while the film looks like it’ll return them to form, Frank Oz doesn’t seem too convinced, and promoting your film on the same platform used to promote The Goods and the continued existence of David Arquette doesn’t fill me with confidence, either. The hit-to-miss ratio on this episode of Raw was about 50/50, but I’m heavily biased and tremendously optimistic, so feel free to disagree. I won’t be complaining about Santino/Jack Swagger this week, though, as I’m pretty much convinced that the WWE abandoned the Swagger train in 2010 and is never getting back on.
Booking Mark Henry vs. CM Punk: Even though it lasted less than three minutes, it was teased and I want more. If this match doesn’t happen on pay per view sometime within the next five months, I will be very, very sad.
Statler and Waldorf: They were easily the best part of a generally weak show. They were even afforded a private box. Rather than post the miserable bits that led to their best lines, I’ll let the screencap do the talking:
CM Punk Gets Del Rio to Give Him a Match: If nothing else, the segment that saw CM Punk get his title match against Alberto Del Rio at Survivor Series brought back the Anaconda Vice, Punk’s awesome ECW-era finishing submission move that hasn’t gotten nearly enough play since it’s last big moment, a shady submission victory over the Undertaker in 2009.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder: Good match, great finish. Ryder has been more interesting in the ring than on YouTube of late, and that’s probably a good thing. If he gets a US Title match against Ziggler at Survivor Series, in Madison Square Garden, it’ll be the biggest victory the internet and wrestling fans have ever scored over the intelligentsia who are convinced that we’d rather see Mason Ryan in Ryder’s spot.
Questionable Decision of the Week I: Telling the world that the Rock was going to respond to John Cena, only to have him BRING IT via satellite again. I love The Rock as much as anybody else who grew up in the Attitude Era, but watching him literally mail it in from exotic locale after exotic locale is getting tiresome, especially since he’s now robbing time and heat from guys who could actually use the TV time. If the Rock is getting a three hour Raw to himself a week or two before Survivor Series, why does he need ten minutes that could have gone to Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, or Tyson Kidd? Why should he get that time? The WWE has put a lot of time and money into the John Cena vs. The Rock Wrestlemania main event next year, so much so that the Miz was a sidedish to his own Wrestlemania main event, so much so that The Rock will be the recipient of two very special episodes of Raw. What I’ve gotten from this, beyond one or two very good promos way back in March, is a mostly horrible Wrestlemania 27, a promise for 28, and a Rock so unlikable that I wish he’d either go back to making Disney movies or time travel to 1995, when people were willing to tell him that he sucked.
Rocky’s video promo was so grating that Fear of a Ghost Planet contributor Dante checked in with his opinion on it, as well:
It isn’t merely the fact that The Rock keeps bogarting the spotlight but why he’s doing it. Simple fact would be that those who miss the Attitude Era will buy Surivivor Series and that in of itself is sad. It’s like trying to buy a memory. The Rock should either come back or stay gone. This purgatory of cutting crappy internet promos is on par with Cena’s rap routine and I for one really wish I could see none of them.
Questionable Decision of the Week II: Having John Cena beat the Miz in extremely clean fashion (via submission) despite R-Truth’s interference, then having Cena give Truth an Attitude Adjustment. Bringing the Rock in for a Survivor Series tag team match is the equivalent of bringing atomic weaponry to a Super Soaker fight. I know that the Rock is coming back for the sake of a few extra buys on pay per view, but, like Dante says, that tactic is pretty sad.
Questionable Decision of the Week III: Not replacing Michael Cole with Statler and Waldorf for the week. This video could have happened, but totally didn’t:
WWE NXT: Redemption (11/2/11) (Watch it on YouTube)
The Derrik Bateman/Maxine Romance Video: Took place to the cheesiest wedding song of all time. Somebody producing NXT has a sense of humor, which may explain why the “prize” for surviving what seems like ten years of wrestling purgatory is a spot on the next season of NXT.
*Actual footage from NXT: Redemption
William Regal: The only three man booth I want to see is William Regal, Statler, and Waldorf.
In my world, Muppets are giants and William Regal is always 2/3 naked. Join me.
The Usos vs. Tyson Kidd & Johnny Curtis: Johnny Curtis, marooned on a desert island after winning NXT Season 4, finally comes back to something like TV after it’s learned that making a lot of puns and getting killed by Mark Henry isn’t an effective means of introduction. He teams with Tyson Kidd, who could probably make a corned beef sandwich look amazing as a tag team partner or opponent, and takes on the Usos, who are pretty much the WWE’s best regular tag team, now that Air Boom is on the shelf for 30 days with Evan Bourne’s recent suspension. Watch this match for the end, which sees Kidd’s attempt at a dive foiled by the Usos, who then launch him into the barricade. Watch this match for Kidd in general, and for Curtis, who ispretty good. Watch it for the Usos. Watch it for tag team wrestling. Watch it because it’s good, and that’s reason enough.
Kaitlyn vs. Tamina: I imagine this is what Beth Phoenix’s matches would be like if she were facing women who didn’t have hollow bird bones and Maxim covershoots. Granted it’s still not a SHIMMER-level masterpiece, but the two women clubbered each other silly, didn’t rely on awkward ass-centric offense, and would be a welcome breath of fresh air on the main roster.
William Regal’s Fascinating Maxine Fact of the Week: The black sheep of the family is an unsavory bishop from the Isle of Bute. He owns a combined trifold factory in Nacker’s Yard (note: I may have misheard him here) and, in his spare time, he likes to take unsavory pictures of Shetland ponies.
William Regal Name Check’s Curtis Mayfield: If he were any more awesome, the sight of him would cause my head to explode.
Yoshi Tatsu vs. Tyson Kidd: These two have had the best in-ring feud of 2011, but nobody cares because it’s been on NXT and was over an action figure. Here, on Superstars, they’re fighting because of some tweets the two exchanged, which is better than an action figure, but still stupid and something I’m not going to bother looking for. This was, without question, the match of the week. In a fair universe, Yoshi and Tyson would get to open Survivor Series, but this isn’t 1995, and that time will likely go to the Michael Cole Challenge. Do yourself a favor and put on WWE Superstars this week. It’s only 40 minutes, and 15 of them are spent wonderfully.
Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison: Two guys struggling to find their footing on the main roster having a very good match on a webshow nobody watches? Must be WWE Superstars. Personally, I think the reports of Morrison’s pending WWE departure are premature, as the WWE usually keeps guys around who they can merchandise and market based on their uniqueness, and while his leaving for TNA wouldn’t hurt them one bit, the kids who like Morrison and the people who think he makes a compelling, likable underdog would probably notice his absence. His losing to Drew McIntyre, official WWE Superstars punching bag, doesn’t make things look too promising, but again, were he on his way out, I highly doubt they’d help him by putting together such an effective highlight reel of the skills he brings to the table.
Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton: Strange, opening WWE SmackDown! with an unadvertised street fight to cap off the feud between Cody Rhodes and Randy Orton, but they did so, and it was good. Fast-paced and intelligently put together, the two beat each other up for around twenty minutes until Cody started using his mask as a weapon, including a sick-sounding shot while Orton was tied up in a figure four leglock. They finally found a way to make Orton’s rope-drape DDT look dangerous and not contrived, and, again, Cody Rhodes makes a strong case for pushing him up the card. In the end, though, Orton won cleanly with an RKO and bagged Cody, cashing in his receipt from a few weeks ago. I’d put this moment and Booker T saying that the sky’s the limit for, of all people, Randy Orton down as a Questionable Decision of the Week, but those slight imperfections don’t mar an otherwise very enjoyable match.
Ted DiBiase vs. Tyson Kidd: Three Tyson Kidd matches this week? I’d say that WWE spoils me, but Kidd lost all three, and I had to hear endless yammering about the stupid DiBiase Posse. Still, this one’s worth it for the finish, where Kidd tries his damnedest to get out of the Million Dollar Dream, but just can’t. Short match, good finish.
Mark Henry Confronts Daniel Bryan Backstage: This was awesome in about 6,000 ways. Henry was great, Daniel Bryan should be getting matches like this, and it’s the first time I think I’ve seen Henry stand toe to toe with a normal-sized human being, which made his size even more impressive.
Daniel Bryan Beard Tracker: Mark Henry may not sweat Daniel Bryan, but his beard does.
Alicia Fox vs. Natalya: Not worth watching for the match, which was good in the way watching a really talented wrestler physically dissect a lesser opponent is good. This match is really only worth watching for the following exchange:
Natalya: (Setting up for the Boston Crab) You stuck your nose in the wrong person’s business! Alicia Fox: (Should be struggling to get out of Boston Crab; yelling) Your nose is bigger than my nose! Natalya: (Ignores; applies Boston Crab)
If there were any justice in the world, the referee would have been radioed to change the finish to a Natalya win, but Alicia Fox, whose face gimmick appears to be firing Derek Zoolander level retorts back at her opponent, beat Nattie with a somersault leg drop, which, according to Booker T, looks kind of like his scissors kick (it doesn’t).
Wade Barrett vs. Sheamus: After a pretty good Big Show/Christian angle that saw Christian get chokeslammed, Wade Barrett decided to take Christian’s place in his scheduled match against Sheamus, giving us a much-needed breather from Sheamus beating the tar out of poor Christian. The end result was two big dudes clubbering each other, which is exactly what I want to see out of two big dudes. Entertaining big man match, indicative of tremendous improvement on the part of both Barrett, who no longer looks as green as he did upon his main roster debut, and Sheamus, who is finally settled in to his role as world’s least likely face.
Sin Cara vs. Epico: On the surface, this is just a jobber squash match, but, in the grand tradition of jobber squashes that are more important than they look, Hunico (the former Sin Cara imposter) came down to the ring looking like a skinny version of 1998 Konnan and attacked Sin Cara. Then the two attacked Sin Cara together. Epico and Hunico are a tag team in WWE’s developmental league, Florida Championship Wrestling, and Epico’s debut on SmackDown not only adds a wrinkle in the now kind of stalled Sin Cara/Hunico feud, but gives the company another viable tag team to make some hay with while Air Boom sit on the shelf. Also of note: No botches on Sin Cara’s part. Dude is moving on up.
Daniel Bryan vs. Mark Henry: Was awesome in 6,000 ways, not the least of which was that Daniel Bryan, at several points in time, looked capable of beating Mark Henry. At the end of the match, when Henry was content to just destroy poor ‘ol D-Bry, Big Show waltzed into the ring and nailed Henry with a knockout punch (which I refuse to call the Weapon of Mass Destruction). Henry got the DQ win, then Big Show encouraged Bryan to cash in his briefcase…which he almost did. It was one of those moments where you really want something to happen (even if it’d be better if Bryan cashed it in at Wrestlemania), but the alternative, where Bryan got smashed with a World’s Strongest Slam, was just as good, since it’s no skin off Bryan’s back and further establishes Henry as a guy you have a very limited window of opportunity against. Show and Henry will collide again at Survivor Series, in a match that should end cleanly, but now that the Money in the Bank contract is back in play, I look forward to seeing where Daniel Bryan goes from here.
Questionable Decision of the Week: Other than Rhodes and Natalya losing matches they should probably have taken, none. Very solid episode of SmackDown!, as usual.
For all the nice things I’ve been saying about current WWE Tag Team Champions Air Boom (note: I’ve never complimented their name), nothing they’ve done so far in “rejuvenating” the WWE tag team division has so far pushed any of the American tag team wrestling that set the standard for the genre way back in 1991. This isn’t necessarily the fault of Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne, who get along well and sometimes wear matching trunks, but due to an overall lack of depth in the tag team ranks, depth that isn’t going to be rebuilt overnight. We’ve got the Usos, C. Reks, the Sharecroppers, Swaggler and the New Mega Powers of Cena and the Rock, but in the early 1990s, the WWF featured the Hart Foundation/New Foundation, the Legion of Doom, Demolition, The Powers of Pain and the Rockers, to name a few. Guys were “tag team specialists” and, when faced with singles matches, tended to struggle without having a partner in his corner. That’s the way things were in the 1990s, and, if this match is any indication, there’s a lot of work that’ll need to be done before the fans start caring as much about tag team wrestling as they used to.
Now, comparing Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty to Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston isn’t fair to the erstwhile lads in Air Boom. Michaels went on to have a Hall of Fame career and Jannetty, despite his name being synonymous for tag team postpartom failure, is one of the most underrated wrestlers of the 1990s, a guy capable of having a good match with anybody–hell, a guy still having good matches with people, as his 2005 bout against Kurt Angle and a recent match against Tyler Black have shown. The success of the Rockers is that both men were unique, both men brought something new and exciting to the musclebound WWF, and that’s on display early and often in this match. How many other wrestlers in 1991 WWF were hitting moonsault presses and suicide dives? How many went at this level?
But the Rockers, despite their obvious popularity, were never the WWF’s top tag team. In fact, Jannetty and Michaels never won the WWF Tag Team Titles, despite several great matches the pair wrestled in for the belts. This was how deep the WWF tag team division was: There was a tag team midcard, and Shawn freaking Michaels was mired in it. Not to worry though, as there were other great tag teams in the midcard, like the Orient Express, which, here, is the duo of Paul Diamond (under a mask as Kato) and Pat Tanaka (also not of the Orient), who, in the AWA, were known as Badd Company. They, too, were a great tag team. If you put two great tag teams together, you get a great tag team match.
But Rockers/Express at Royal Rumble 1991 had an advantage that even most matches featuring two great tag teams didn’t: Both teams were experienced facing each other, as Badd Company once feuded with the (Midnight) Rockers way back in 1988. That level of intimacy is obviously very important to this match, which is equal turns wrestling, gymnastics and, above all, performance art. They know each others tricks and work them in well. They’re aware of small, incidental details (the black belt that comes into play towards the end) and use them extremely well. There’s an unexpectedly hot crowd, good commentary from Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper, and the nefarious Mr. Fuji “relaying orders” at ringside, and while a few hiccups are noticeable, this is a deliriously good tag team contest–the sort of match others model off of. Apparently Michaels and Jannetty were so pleased that they went backstage and said “Top that!” which landed them in a whole lot of trouble (I imagine wrestler’s court isn’t kind to braggarts). It’s been twenty years. The Rockers and the Orient Express are still waiting to be topped.
Indy promoters: Looking for some free promotion. Leave a comment or drop me an e-mail about your online content, and I’ll gladly write you up in this space. You guys are doing a tremendous job and deserve more promotion than the WWE, which doesn’t need any help. If you like what I’m doing here, I’ll probably like what you’re doing. Let’s chat!
Jack Korpella Calls William Regal “The Living Legend:” I suspect Larry Zbyszko will be suing shortly.
Titus O’Neil Can’t Say “WWE” Properly: Yet he expects to be its next breakout star. The laughs are non-stop on NXT.
William Regal Getting Tired of Lame Trashtalk: Oddly, I suspect his comments were off-the-cuff, while I bet O’Neil and Bateman were fed their lines. The difference between Regal and the fish-lips this, dog bark that Talk the Talk Challenge participants? Regal sounds organic and natural and like he really means what he’s saying when he says that the two bit it. I don’t know how well O’Neil would do off script (since he’s so awkward on it), but Bateman seems like a natural, so it’s a bit of a waste having him go for cheap heat.
Tyson Kidd vs. Jey Uso: Not only is Tyson Kidd awesome, the match adhered to the secret, unwritten rule of putting a tag team specialist in a singles match: No matter how good they look, they lose. As soon as the WWE finds a purpose for Kidd, he’s going to turn a lot of heads. Until that point, I guess I’m going to struggle to find ways to compliment him on having good match after good match, as if such things were going out of style.
William Regal, During Maxine and AJ’s Guest Commentary: The picture says everything.
AJ’s Fascinating Maxine Fact of the Week: “She feeds off the souls of babies. Innocent, innocent babies.” Fighting words.
Maxine Insinuates that AJ Would Sleep With a Black Dude and a Midget, Possibly at the Same Time: If her parents actually watched NXT, I’m sure they’d be shocked!
Derrik Bateman Proposes to Maxine: It wasn’t exactly Randy Savage proposing to Elizabeth, but I got a chuckle out of Bateman quoting Bryan Adams (not the wrestler, sadly, though Adams didn’t have any quotes he didn’t steal from “Classy” Freddie Blassie), and nearly died when William Regal threatened to start self-harming. For point of reference, the best and second best proposal scenes in WWE history:
Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase: If Ted DiBiase’s new character weren’t literally the most boring thing on the face of the planet (he loves tailgating! he loves the fans! he loves attention!), I might have turned the corner on what was once an intense dislike for him, much like a fresh character turned around the flagging career of Cody Rhodes. DiBiase’s a guy with unlimited potential (his matches in NOAH were quite good, and he has matches like this that are flashes of something like brilliance), but there are simply too many dudes jumping around, pumping their fists and smiling for him to stand out on his own, without the last name. Good match against Cody, his former teammate, though it’s telling that this feud ended after a month and this match was demoted from PPV to Superstars.
Evan Bourne: Yes, Kofi Kingston, Primo, and JTG were in the match with Evan Bourne, but if there’s a reason to watch Air Boom face a random jobber pairing, it’s Bourne. He’s delightful. He does new things every week. He has a nice smile. There’s nothing about him to dislike, and, for the first time in his WWE career, he’s hitting his stride without the threat of being dismantled by Kane or injury. Of course, now that I say that, they’ll inexplicably turn him heel, 1-2-3 Kid style.
Questionable Decision of the Week: Eve bringing back the booty-popping moonsault. Just when I was starting to like her, she decides to once again prove that she has no rhythm. Kelly Kelly also brought back the Stinkface. Kill me. Kill me, please.
FCW Match of the Week: Mike Dalton vs. Antonio Cesaro (10/23/11)
The first step in Claudio Castagnoli realizing his dream to becoming a WWE Superstar, his FCW television debut was a high-impact, quickly paced match against Mike Dalton, showcasing, oddly, his backbreakers, which are straight-up nasty. Also his uppercuts. Also his cravates. Also the Ricola Bomb. Really, there’s nothing I can say about Antonio Cesaro that William Regal can’t say better. Watch the match. Also, watch for the pop-up European Uppercut, which is extra-devestating in this clip.
Random Video of the Week
Next Week: Ohio Valley Wrestling, NWA Wrestling From Hollywood, CHIKARA, and more!
