For all the nice things I’ve been saying about current WWE Tag Team Champions Air Boom (note: I’ve never complimented their name), nothing they’ve done so far in “rejuvenating” the WWE tag team division has so far pushed any of the American tag team wrestling that set the standard for the genre way back in 1991. This isn’t necessarily the fault of Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne, who get along well and sometimes wear matching trunks, but due to an overall lack of depth in the tag team ranks, depth that isn’t going to be rebuilt overnight. We’ve got the Usos, C. Reks, the Sharecroppers, Swaggler and the New Mega Powers of Cena and the Rock, but in the early 1990s, the WWF featured the Hart Foundation/New Foundation, the Legion of Doom, Demolition, The Powers of Pain and the Rockers, to name a few. Guys were “tag team specialists” and, when faced with singles matches, tended to struggle without having a partner in his corner. That’s the way things were in the 1990s, and, if this match is any indication, there’s a lot of work that’ll need to be done before the fans start caring as much about tag team wrestling as they used to.
Now, comparing Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty to Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston isn’t fair to the erstwhile lads in Air Boom. Michaels went on to have a Hall of Fame career and Jannetty, despite his name being synonymous for tag team postpartom failure, is one of the most underrated wrestlers of the 1990s, a guy capable of having a good match with anybody–hell, a guy still having good matches with people, as his 2005 bout against Kurt Angle and a recent match against Tyler Black have shown. The success of the Rockers is that both men were unique, both men brought something new and exciting to the musclebound WWF, and that’s on display early and often in this match. How many other wrestlers in 1991 WWF were hitting moonsault presses and suicide dives? How many went at this level?
But the Rockers, despite their obvious popularity, were never the WWF’s top tag team. In fact, Jannetty and Michaels never won the WWF Tag Team Titles, despite several great matches the pair wrestled in for the belts. This was how deep the WWF tag team division was: There was a tag team midcard, and Shawn freaking Michaels was mired in it. Not to worry though, as there were other great tag teams in the midcard, like the Orient Express, which, here, is the duo of Paul Diamond (under a mask as Kato) and Pat Tanaka (also not of the Orient), who, in the AWA, were known as Badd Company. They, too, were a great tag team. If you put two great tag teams together, you get a great tag team match.
But Rockers/Express at Royal Rumble 1991 had an advantage that even most matches featuring two great tag teams didn’t: Both teams were experienced facing each other, as Badd Company once feuded with the (Midnight) Rockers way back in 1988. That level of intimacy is obviously very important to this match, which is equal turns wrestling, gymnastics and, above all, performance art. They know each others tricks and work them in well. They’re aware of small, incidental details (the black belt that comes into play towards the end) and use them extremely well. There’s an unexpectedly hot crowd, good commentary from Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy Piper, and the nefarious Mr. Fuji “relaying orders” at ringside, and while a few hiccups are noticeable, this is a deliriously good tag team contest–the sort of match others model off of. Apparently Michaels and Jannetty were so pleased that they went backstage and said “Top that!” which landed them in a whole lot of trouble (I imagine wrestler’s court isn’t kind to braggarts). It’s been twenty years. The Rockers and the Orient Express are still waiting to be topped.
Indy promoters: Looking for some free promotion. Leave a comment or drop me an e-mail about your online content, and I’ll gladly write you up in this space. You guys are doing a tremendous job and deserve more promotion than the WWE, which doesn’t need any help. If you like what I’m doing here, I’ll probably like what you’re doing. Let’s chat!
Jack Korpella Calls William Regal “The Living Legend:” I suspect Larry Zbyszko will be suing shortly.
Titus O’Neil Can’t Say “WWE” Properly: Yet he expects to be its next breakout star. The laughs are non-stop on NXT.
William Regal Getting Tired of Lame Trashtalk: Oddly, I suspect his comments were off-the-cuff, while I bet O’Neil and Bateman were fed their lines. The difference between Regal and the fish-lips this, dog bark that Talk the Talk Challenge participants? Regal sounds organic and natural and like he really means what he’s saying when he says that the two bit it. I don’t know how well O’Neil would do off script (since he’s so awkward on it), but Bateman seems like a natural, so it’s a bit of a waste having him go for cheap heat.
Tyson Kidd vs. Jey Uso: Not only is Tyson Kidd awesome, the match adhered to the secret, unwritten rule of putting a tag team specialist in a singles match: No matter how good they look, they lose. As soon as the WWE finds a purpose for Kidd, he’s going to turn a lot of heads. Until that point, I guess I’m going to struggle to find ways to compliment him on having good match after good match, as if such things were going out of style.
William Regal, During Maxine and AJ’s Guest Commentary: The picture says everything.
AJ’s Fascinating Maxine Fact of the Week: “She feeds off the souls of babies. Innocent, innocent babies.” Fighting words.
Maxine Insinuates that AJ Would Sleep With a Black Dude and a Midget, Possibly at the Same Time: If her parents actually watched NXT, I’m sure they’d be shocked!
Derrik Bateman Proposes to Maxine: It wasn’t exactly Randy Savage proposing to Elizabeth, but I got a chuckle out of Bateman quoting Bryan Adams (not the wrestler, sadly, though Adams didn’t have any quotes he didn’t steal from “Classy” Freddie Blassie), and nearly died when William Regal threatened to start self-harming. For point of reference, the best and second best proposal scenes in WWE history:
Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase: If Ted DiBiase’s new character weren’t literally the most boring thing on the face of the planet (he loves tailgating! he loves the fans! he loves attention!), I might have turned the corner on what was once an intense dislike for him, much like a fresh character turned around the flagging career of Cody Rhodes. DiBiase’s a guy with unlimited potential (his matches in NOAH were quite good, and he has matches like this that are flashes of something like brilliance), but there are simply too many dudes jumping around, pumping their fists and smiling for him to stand out on his own, without the last name. Good match against Cody, his former teammate, though it’s telling that this feud ended after a month and this match was demoted from PPV to Superstars.
Evan Bourne: Yes, Kofi Kingston, Primo, and JTG were in the match with Evan Bourne, but if there’s a reason to watch Air Boom face a random jobber pairing, it’s Bourne. He’s delightful. He does new things every week. He has a nice smile. There’s nothing about him to dislike, and, for the first time in his WWE career, he’s hitting his stride without the threat of being dismantled by Kane or injury. Of course, now that I say that, they’ll inexplicably turn him heel, 1-2-3 Kid style.
Questionable Decision of the Week: Eve bringing back the booty-popping moonsault. Just when I was starting to like her, she decides to once again prove that she has no rhythm. Kelly Kelly also brought back the Stinkface. Kill me. Kill me, please.
FCW Match of the Week: Mike Dalton vs. Antonio Cesaro (10/23/11)
The first step in Claudio Castagnoli realizing his dream to becoming a WWE Superstar, his FCW television debut was a high-impact, quickly paced match against Mike Dalton, showcasing, oddly, his backbreakers, which are straight-up nasty. Also his uppercuts. Also his cravates. Also the Ricola Bomb. Really, there’s nothing I can say about Antonio Cesaro that William Regal can’t say better. Watch the match. Also, watch for the pop-up European Uppercut, which is extra-devestating in this clip.
Random Video of the Week
Next Week: Ohio Valley Wrestling, NWA Wrestling From Hollywood, CHIKARA, and more!
Kevin Nash Deadlifts Triple H: The whole segment would have been pretty awesome if it had been as quick and ruthless as an Attitude era segment, but once Kevin Nash’s assault on Triple H went on for sixteen, seventeen, twenty-seven minutes, I started hallucinating that one of the extras begging Nash for mercy was Claudio Castagnoli and that someday soon, there’d be something resembling wrestling on Raw. As it stands, Nash picking up 260 pounds of dead weight from the floor was awesome for two reasons: Triple H trying not to smile, and Nash grunting as he deadlifted his KOed ex-friend. The second part of that statement is no joke–there’s a big difference between powerbombing a dude and lifting his lifeless body off the ground, and the effort Nash exerted in lifting Triple H up did more to convey the “reality” of the situation than the somewhat-shoddy camera work that couldn’t quite hide that Nash was holding his hand over the head of the sledgehammer.
Johnny Ace Recognizes Unsafe Working Conditions When He Sees Them: I was wondering how nobody noticed that Ace reinstated the guys who caused unsafe working conditions, and how nobody complained that Alberto Del Rio and John Cena didn’t have a freakin’ ring to have their last man standing match in. Apparently Ace saw, and is now covering his bases.
Dynamic Dude Burns: There were two this week, one by Cena and one by Punk. I’m always a fan of obscure WCW trivia. Now they just need to give Ace his Dynamic Dudes music when he comes out to deliver his mesmerizing catchphrases.
Yes, WCW paid good money so that Shane Douglas and Johnny Ace could enter to THE FAT BOYS. Amazingly, the company survived to see 2001.
Zack Ryder As Cena’s Partner: NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN TO HIM TONIGHT, RIGHT GUYS?
Del Rio and CM Punk Argue: I’d rather they wrestled, but beggars can’t be choosers, and the eventual PPV match between them should be great. Punk’s “Are you Aretha Franklin?” line was absolutely cringeworthy, but his burns on Johnny Ace, including the second Dynamic Dudes burn of the night, was pretty awesome. Somewhere, Shane Douglas is weeping into an extra large pepperoni pizza.
Questionable Decision of the Week I: I don’t know if I’ve been complaining about how Triple H doesn’t seem to take anything seriously as the COO of the WWE, but if I have, I’m going to take that back. When he does take things seriously, he unleashes some wickedly awkward dialog that crosses the line between sentimental and unintentionally hilarious. First, it was “I love you, Pop.” Then, it was threatening to kick CM Punk’s “skinnyfat ass” (which is an actual bodybuilding insult and probably could have further legitimized CM Punk’s complaints re: HHH’s taste, but instead they never brought it up unless it was replayed in, like, every video package ever). Now, to open Raw, we have “Kevin Nash broke my heart.” How ridiculous was this line? Even looking past storyline inconsistencies (wouldn’t you expect to be backstabbed by a guy you had a Hell in a Cell match with?), pretty damn ridiculous. So ridiculous, in fact, that Joel McHale made fun of it. Behold!
Then, as if by magic, the Triple H/Kevin Nash thing went from “Oh wow, cool,” to “Oh man, this is still happening, and we’re three commercial breaks into the show.” And then they replayed it, like, seven times. The whole thing. It’s easy enough to skip the highlight reel when I’m watching NXT or Superstars or SmackDown! on YouTube, but live? In person? It just keeps going and going and going, and then you realize that neither Nash or Triple H are full-time active competitors but it still won’t stop because stopping would reveal weakness and, hey, don’t we have a title match and the return of the Rock to build to but, wait, HHH has spinal damage, let’s see how. That’s not a sentence, but the first thirty minutes of Raw wasn’t a segment, unless it was, in which case it was written by the William Faulkner stand-in from Barton Fink, or, hell, Barton Fink himself, who was told “write a wrestling segment,” only to decide that something that only needed to be quick and dirty should be slow-burning art instead. It wasn’t, and the whole show kind of suffered for it. I still love me some Kevin Nash, though.
Questionable Decision of the Week II: Having Alicia Fox beat Natalya. I don’t need to go any further, but I will: This was clearly meant to be a shocking moment where the crowd would go nuts seeing one of the Divas of Doom shut down by the Pez Whatley of WWE Divas, but there was no reaction from the live crowd and the shot of Eve and Kelly Kelly looking on condescendingly did nothing to further the feud. I guess this means that Kelly Kelly or Eve will get the next shot at the Diva’s Title, but, by rights, shouldn’t that belong to Alica Fox? Decisions surrounding the WWE Divas make my head hurt.
Questionable Decision of the Week III: The Michael Cole Challenge. Literally zero people want to see Jim Ross get further embarrassed by lame-ass WWE storylines, but man is creative unrelenting. He’s fat! He’s got Bell’s Palsy! He really likes college football and barbecue! And he’s also one of the best fucking play-by-play commentators in wrestling history, a dude who doesn’t need crappy angles to engender fan sympathy because the other choices given to the fans by the WWE other than Ross have by and large been terrible. I’ve grown to kind of like heelish Michael Cole and think that he brings something to the SmackDown! table, but this angle feels rushed and horrendous, and it’s hard to take any of Michael Cole’s remarks seriously as a result. If you want JR back on Raw full time, just put him back on Raw. I promise you, nobody will complain if you spare us fifteen minutes of awkward mockery and rolling around.
Questionable Decision of the Week IV: Having the Sharecroppers dick Zack Ryder out of his first main event. Again, here’s a guy that doesn’t need stuff like this to happen in order to garner fan support. If you put him in the ring and have the Sharecroppers work him over while John Cena looks on helplessly from his corner, I’m going to care about Zack Ryder. If you have him get taken out in the back and change the match to a handicap match (John Cena’s third favorite match!), I’m going to wonder where the hell Zack Ryder is.
Questionable Decision of the Week V: Bringing in the Rock to team with John Cena to take on the Sharecroppers. Yes, it’ll probably be good/entertaining/worth the money, but the Miz is an ex-reality show star and R-Truth used to be K-Kwick. They’ve yet to prove themselves as capable of withstanding the verbal fury of a celebrity guest host, and now they’re going to be standing toe-to-toe with the Rock? That’s like bringing in an atomic bomb to take care of the raccoon in your garbage can. I was looking forward to seeing this as a 5 on 5 Survivor Series match, but I guess those don’t exist anymore.
The ICP Hatchetman in the WWE Intro: Gets me every time. There are 1000s of videos of Cena raising the championship, and they pick the one that subtly ties what is probably a quarter of the fanbase to exactly the sort of reviled, non-PG entertainment the WWE has been trying to separate themselves from.
Everyone Come See the Greatest Show
CM Punk Clowning Around: When Punk won at Money in the Bank, the immediate response was “Wow, we have ourselves a new Steve Austin.” That was never going to happen. Not because Austin’s popularity is unmatched and tough to replicate, but because Punk and Austin are worlds apart when it comes to personality. While the heel Austin of the Two Man Power Trip and the InVasion had some quirkiness to him, Punk is ultimately too nerdy to be the new Austin, which is fine by me. Watching him wave to the camera and pump his fist in a mock “one more match” chant is either fun or grating depending on your opinion of the guy, but CM Punk is unique, a man unto his own identity. We should stop trying to declare anybody the new anything, and be happy when wrestlers are allowed to be themselves. Afterall…isn’t that who Steve Austin was?
Teddy Long’s Response to Being Compared to FDR: “Thank you very much, playa.”
Bitching: And bitching. And bitching. And bitching. And bitching. And bitching. And bitching. And bitching. And bitching. And bitching. And bitching. And bitching. The Punk/Christian show opener was one of the best in recent memory. No HHH. No John Cena. No Randy Orton. Two dudes who are very talented on the mic talking on the mic. They had absolutely no reason for their match later on in the night, but made it compelling, regardless. This, friends, is how promo segments should be.
R-Truth Makes A Good Point: After a good dismantling of WWE Tag Team Champions Air Boom, the Sharecroppers took to the microphone, where R-Truth said “We must have beat Cena braindead, because he picked the only guy who hates him more than we do.” I’m not sure what logic will have the Rock team with Cena this upcoming Monday (I hope it’s Muppet-related), but once again, a heel is making a plausible point. Now if they’d just explain why attacking Cena was so damn important to their master plan.
Daniel Bryan and Tyson Kidd Argue About the Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels DVD: You know, because D-Bryan was trained by Michaels, and Kidd is connected to the Harts? Midcard arguments are awesome! Especially when they’re between awesome midcarders! And Kidd got some good digs in, asking if Bryan’s favorite part was when Shawn “cried at the beginning, cried in the middle, or cried at the end.” The whole thing was awesome until Santino and his new, stupid hair cut broke it up, because since when did Santino gain the power to make matches?
Trent Baretta’s Tights: They feature Abe Lincoln. That’s unexpectedly awesome.
Cody Rhodes, Guest Commentator: Just about everything he said was gold. This, too often, is not the case with guest commentators, who usually do a good job of making me wish there were other TV shows I enjoy, to facilitate easier channel changing.
Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler: Ziggler keeps getting closer and closer to being a permanent part of the main event. Fantastic TV match against Randy Orton, who, since feuding with Christian over the summer, has consistently been part of his fair share of good matches. His mannerisms are getting goofier and goofier, and I hate that the ring apron DDT has now become a contrived spot as opposed to something that happens in the natural flow of the match, but his showings of late have actually been of interest, rather than being a long, drawn out wait for the RKO. The spot where he leapfrogged Vickie Gurerrero on the outside to attack Dolph was pretty cool, as was the finish of this bout. Good stuff.
Daniel Bryan vs. Tyson Kidd: They had four minutes. It was the best four minutes of wrestling this week. The Sharpshooter was countered into the LaBell Lock. More, I say. MORE.
Daniel Bryan Beard Tracker: Right now, it’s at a solid “Rugged.”
In His Awkward Way, Big Show Puts Mark Henry Over: He’s sounding more and more like a culturally out of touch dad (“Oops, I did it again” should have been left in the ancient past, like Show-Gunns. Or that lame reference to Show-Gunns), but, while talking about hurting places where he didn’t know he had places, Show did what seemingly no other WWE main eventer was going to, and noticed that Mark Henry is an absolute monster of a man, a mover of planets. I actually kind of marked out when Show asked for the ring to be reenforced, since that’s what any old announcer worth his salt would have said of a confrontation between two huge dudes.
CM Punk vs. Christian: Someday, these two will feud and it will be awesome. Tonight, they somehow had the third best match on the card, though it did well to build towards the eventual Punk vs. Del Rio match and continue Christian vs. Sheamus, which probably needs a Christian win at some point. If you’re a fan of either guy, this match bears watching. If not, I guess it’s a black mark on an otherwise very good episode of SmackDown!
Awesome Booker T Line of the Week: “Cody may have cooties, for all I know.” If the rumors are true and Booker T is going to be feuding with Cody Rhodes, this is one hell of a subtle way to get that ball rolling. A close runner-up was “I like Herman Cain. He’s my guy.”
Booker T’s Fave Five This Week: Wade Barrett, Daniel Bryan. Rough week for the Fave Five.
Questionable Decision of the Week I: Saying that the state of the World Heavyweight Championship is “in flux.” If it really is, then it sure as hell shouldn’t be. A draw’s a draw, regardless of how the draw happens, and the champion retains on all draws. End of discussion, WWE.
Questionable Decision of the Week II: Giving the Sharecroppers (That’s Miz and R-Truth, if you’re not up on my lingo), some tandem dance moves for their walk to the ring. Combine that with their cheerful rapping (something that they shouldn’t have brought back), and the pair are looking less and less like a dominant tag team gone rampant, and more like contestants on America’s Got Talent.
Questionable Decision of the Week III: While it was a good extended squash, there are three or four other tag teams on the roster who could have accomplished what Air Boom did in getting destroyed by the Sharecroppers. Two pay per views ago, Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne were on a level playing field. Now they get destroyed by a team that won’t even be in the hunt for the titles until after Survivor Series, if that? Were the Usos busy?
Questionable Decision of the Week IV: The Michael Cole Challenge is actually beating Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler for worst storyline of the year. The only way this could get worse is if Cole, after winning, makes fun of Dr. Death Steve Williams and brings out Fake Diesel and Fake Razor Ramon for awkward silence the likes of which only a 2011 Brian Christopher could earn.
At least Lawler finally admitted that Christopher was his kid. That “mystery” was hanging in the air like GTV.
Mexican Fans: They were given a mess of a storyline with a failed 90s jobber (Johnny Ace) at the focal point and a main event featuring Jim Ross and Michael Cole, two men whose voices they only hear on TV if directly involved in an angle. Despite that, the crowd’s reaction to everything was absolutely amazing. The WWE should do Raw and SmackDown in other countries more regularly, especially if they can figure out a way of doing them live.
Triple H Has Immigration Issues: Stopping him from delivering a 20-minute monolog. Huzzah!
Swaggler On the Mic: The WWE have been fairly liberal with mic time lately, and it’s resulted in the reemergence of both Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger as the future of the company. Ziggler is just a very good, free-wheeling talker. Swagger, in Mexico, decided to sing the Star Spangled Banner, which was great 1) because of his lisp, 2) because of the crowd’s reaction, and 3), because he lost his place and blamed said crowd. Swagger’s match against Zack Ryder and Ziggler’s against Mason Ryan were nothing too special, but if they’re on the mic, I’m listening.
Jim Ross: Few men in the current WWE can get away with calling somebody else a “son of a bitch.” Few men in WWE history can do it quite like Jim Ross.
Michael Cole’s Horrifying Orange Singlet: BEHOLD!
Jim Ross Makes Michael Cole Tap Out: Pretty much the only positive match-related thing of Raw, which was mostly yakking and fistfights. The Mexican crowd ate it up (I don’t know why), but they deserved better than John Cena’s C-game and an encounter between two American non-wrestlers.
Questionable Decision of the Week: Having the finish between Jim Ross and Michael Cole decide the stipulation for the WWE Title match between John Cena and Alberto Del Rio. Their storyline has been sadly inessential ever since shunting CM Punk to the side at Summerslam, and now they’re going to settle it in a Last Man Standing Match because Jim Ross made Michael Cole tap out to an ankle lock. I’ve always thought that the face works better in his role if he’s at a disadvantage, but Cena, by choosing one of his specialty matches and making Del Rio look chumpy (a shot with the ring steps put Del Rio away for a very fast 10 count), it’s another situation where it looks like Cena can’t lose. That makes things less interesting than they already were, which is too bad.
The Response to Alberto Del Rio: The scuttlebutt on these here interwebs had it that Del Rio was only WWE champion because of the quick Mexican tour. If that was indeed their intent, it was a great idea. Fan reaction to Del Rio was intense all week long, and his entrance on SmackDown was akin to the Chicago crowd’s response to CM Punk at this year’s Money in the Bank PPV. It didn’t surprise me, considering that Del Rio is 1) awesome and 2) the first Mexican-born WWE Champion ever, but crowd reactions like Del Rio’s are absolute gold.
Mark Henry vs. John Morrison: If John Morrison is on his way out, as many suggest, you wouldn’t know it from the way he bumps around the ring for Mark Henry in this match, which got more play than their Raw encounter. Morrison’s finishing maneuver again looks pretty chumpy when a guy kicks out of it at one, but watching him get wrecked by the still-awesome Mark Henry is the most enjoyable Morrison’s been, for me, since his run as ECW Champion.
Daniel Bryan Won’t Be Shaving His Beard Until WrestleMania: Be still, my beating heart.
Wade Barrett vs. Daniel Bryan: Not as good as their Summerslam-stealing effort a few months ago, but given the constraints of a TV time limit, Barrett and Bryan continue to demonstrate great chemistry (though everybody probably has chemistry with Daniel Bryan). It’s a wonder why their feud didn’t go on longer.
Michael Cole Brings G.I. Bro Up: Which is streets ahead of making fun of Booker T for being in Harlem Heat.
Cody Rhodes: He is awesome. You already knew that. He’s also maybe the first person who has managed to make Randy Orton somewhat interesting to anybody beyond Randy Orton fans since Randy came into his own as a fixture in the main event scene. Granted, Orton is still really boring, but at least I want to see the match he’s involved in.
Máscara contra Máscara: It hasn’t really translated in the ring, but the Sin Cara vs. Sin Cara feud has been an interesting blend of lucha libre and WWE storytelling, the importance of identity and the desire for revenge. In Mexico City, the two Sin Caras collided for what is, I think, the WWE’s first mask vs. mask match, which joins a short list of American lucha de apuesta contests. This match was incredibly important for another reason, too: If Sin Cara (Mistico) failed to have a great match in front of a hometown audience against a guy wrestling his style, I’m not sure how much longer he would have lasted in the WWE. It wasn’t the best match of either man’s career, but it was a good one, the best of either’s WWE tenure thus far. In a nice touch, Sin Cara got to win with his Mexican finisher, La Mistica, a headscissors/armbar combo. If, in a few years, we’ve forgotten all about Sin Cara’s first few months in the WWE, I think this match will probably be the watershed moment where everything went right and things for the former Mistico started rolling in the right direction.
Michael Cole’s Reportage on Sin Cara Negro’s Visage: “He’s normal, with a crew cut.”
To Booker T, this picture represents the ugliest thing in the world.
Beth and Natalya Get Microphone Time: And sound way less awkward than most divas do on the mic. After Beth and Natalya turned heel, it was only a matter of time before they started getting the facetime necessary to establish themselves as the duo the rest of the divas would need to gun for. Adding that submission move was a great idea, and dropping the lame “eat your vegetables” platitudes was wise. Now they’re only about hurting people to cause the fans some anguish.
Big Show Doing Push-Ups: PUSH-UPS.
Ricardo Rodriguez’s Utter Disdain For Mexico: This man can do no wrong. For my money, the best male valet ever (note, there’s a difference between “valet” and “manager”).
Alberto Del Rio vs. The Big Show: Nothing super fancy, and the cross-armbreaker spot used here was better utilized in the match between Sara Del Ray and Claudio Castagnoli, but the Big Show’s first match in four moths is probably his best singles outing in a few years. He was rejuvenated as Chris Jericho’s tag team partner, but he hasn’t looked this surehanded on his own since his run as the ECW Champion, way back in 2006. Somehow, I’m looking forward to his match against Mark Henry at Vengeance, when, previously, a match between the two would make me reconsider my decision to watch.
Questionable Decision of the Week I: Sheamus’ nickname, “The Great White,” is now official, appearing on the TitanTron as he heads down to the ring. Of course, the WWE probably wants it to make people think of the great white shark, but anybody watching with even a modicum of sports history knowledge will associate the nickname with the phrase “great white hope,” which dates back to the days when Jack Johnson, an African-American, was a threat to the heavyweight championship of boxing. When he finally won a world championship, the press actually begged for a “great white hope” to prove Caucasian athletic supremacy. Long story short, if Sheamus starts feuding with Mark Henry for the World Heavyweight Championship, his nickname is going to become a cringe-machine.
Questionable Decision of the Week II: Every diva beyond Beth and Natalya has pretty much the worst theme music since the American Males. Every song–every song–is about how hot the diva is, and is usually sung by some lifeless schmoe who’d be doing the world more good by working late-shift at the local Waffle House. Compare and contrast:
I think my dislike of a lot of wrestlers directly correlates to how miserable their theme music makes me. Sure, talent is one thing, but I can look beyond that when you’re taking up less than 1% of my week. Run afoul of my musical sensibilities, and that all changes. Eve, like Kelly Kelly, Brooke Tessmacher, and a litany of women the WWE’s hired who’ve gradually transformed into wrestlers, have all improved, but with their music and the commentary team reminding me that I’m supposed to like these women because they’re attractive, I tend to look past the positives and detest that which is rammed down my throat.
If you know of any indie wrestling webshows that might be worth featuring in this space, please let me know. I’m all for indies, but, right now, the WWE is the only promotion I know of with a major web presence, in that they have full shows, with full matches, available on YouTube. I wish their developmental league, FCW, did the same, but alas, their TV show is uploaded to YouTube illegally and infrequently, meaning I’ll only be able to cover it here and there, and will probably never have a handle on their ongoing storylines. Bound For Glory coverage is below, but first, you must suffer the wrath of NXT: Redemption and Heath Slater.
WWE NXT: Redemption (10/12/11) (Watch it on YouTube)
Derrik Bateman and Maxine: I wasn’t much for Maxine or any of the Diva hopefuls on NXT season three, but this pairing, “born out of spite,” is pretty good, Maxine’s somewhat wooden delivery of lines be damned. Bateman’s just the right amount of cocky, knows how to respond to a hostile/uncaring crowd, and works cheap heat into his promos in interesting ways. The two actually make out on occasion, as well. Not that I watch wrestling for the liplocks, but usually when a man and a woman are dating on WWE programming, you only know it because the woman stands at ringside and looks bored as her man wrestles. It’s a somewhat refreshing change of pace.
Kissing? GROSS.
Percy Watson and Titus O’Neil Call Maxine and Bateman the Ugliest Couple in WWE History: Meaning I get to post Harvey Whippleman’s touching ode to Bertha Faye.
William Regal’s Maxine Fact of the Week: A cousin of her’s is a champion hula-hooper from Bangkok. She grows prize turnips, and is an amateur ferret-wrangler.
AJ vs. Maxine: Probably the best diva’s match on WWE or TNA this week. Not much competition, but hey, it was pretty good. I wish they’d go ahead and give both women a last name by now, though.
The Usos vs. C. Reks (Curt Hawkins & Tyler Reks): If the WWE is serious about bringing back tag team wrestling, matches like this are a good building block. Last week’s match and this one between these two teams was quite polished, and both teams look ready for a program against a team like Air Boom or Swaggler, depending on who gets the titles at Vengeance. Until one of them steps up to the main roster, I’ll take matches like this on my internets every week, if you don’t mind.
William Regal: “I’ve spent a fortune on gambling, partying, and naughty women. The rest I’ve just spent foolishly.”
Percy Watson vs. Derrik Bateman: I’ll take matches like this every week, too. Can’t say I love Watson’s moveset, but he looks good in the ring. Bateman’s also worth watching. They’ll inject some much needed life into Raw or SmackDown! (or, more likely, Superstars) whenever NXT: Redemption finally comes to an end.
Questionable Decision of the Week: Letting Percy Watson and Titus O’Neil talk without a script. Or if they were scripted, not firing the dude who wrote it. Between Watson’s frequent Kool-Aid Man interjections and O’Neil’s genuine awkwardness, I spend most of my time annoyed with the two of them.
Drew McIntyre: I’ve had a soft spot for Drew since I went to a house show earlier this year. His circumstance is fairly unfortunate, as, after an early-career push as Vince McMahon’s “chosen one,” he seems to have stalled out completely. With a slight change of gimmick, he’d probably do what Cody Rhodes and R-Truth before him have done and rise up the WWE ranks. What doesn’t need to change is his offense. I think I’ve heard every announcer in the history of wrestling say that a guy “uses the ring as a weapon.” McIntyre is the first who the phrase actually applies to. In his match against Alex Riley, he steps back from a flying Riley and shoves his face into the ring apron. I’ve also seen him squash legs between the rings steps and turnbuckle post, and yank the shoulder through the metal girder that makes up the outer perimeter of the ring. I appreciate unique touches like that.
Ezekiel Jackson’s New Gear: Looking less and less like Ahmed Johnson all the time, bro.
You don't want to look like Ahmed, lest your career take a Pearl River plunge.
Ridiculous Claims of Manliness on the Behalf of Heath Slater: This week, we learn that Heath Slater likes to go to bars, put on Skynard, and challenge people to fights. I’d like to live in a world where this was true, because I’d be living in a world where Heath Slater’s face is turned into ground beef on a nightly basis. Alas, I’m merely meant to believe that Heath is some sort of tough guy. I refuse to believe any such claims. It’s either funnier/disrespectful depending on what you make of the assault charges filed against Slater earlier this year.
I will fight you. But only to southern rock. And only if you're a woman.
TNA Bound For Glory (10/16/11)
Kendrick vs. Austin Aries: Just a good opening match between two guys who are very good at what they do. Cool spots aren’t quite enough to get me behind a wrestling match, but Kendrick and Aries are two guys who can string together a solid wrestling match, and they set the tone for a card that was full of blood and violence by going move for move, counter for counter. It didn’t quite steal the show, but it made me glad that Aries went back on the talk that he was retiring from wrestling. He’s great, and I wish more wrestlers were like him.
Rob Van Dam vs. Jerry Lynn: I’d like to say I was shocked by how not terrible this match was, but their encounter at Destination X was better than expected, and this bout, which added a poorly-named No Disqualification stipulation (if your announcers can’t explain what “Full Metal Mayhem” is, then don’t book the match with that title), was no different. In fact, it was probably a little closer to the ECW matches that finally made Lynn a name after a career’s worth of solid work, and if this is his televised swan song, living up to the encounters that brought you to the dance is a good way to go out. Of course, if he sticks around, I wouldn’t be opposed. Lynn’s a solid hand, and, as long as the crowd doesn’t get on his case about looking like Randy the Ram, his presence in TNA’s X-Division would be welcome.
Samoa Joe vs. Matt Morgan vs. Crimson: This match was way better than I expected it to be, thanks in large part to Samoa Joe finding another gear and wrestling like his higly-motivated former self, circa 2007. I hardly ever expect logic from TNA three ways, but this one had it, never failed to entertain, and was well paced. I would have loved a Samoa Joe win, but you can’t always get what you want.
Bully Ray Piledrives Mr. Anderson on Concrete: That spot is in my blood. It calls to me. When Bully Ray actually hit Anderson with it in the back, my heart did a backflip. It’s a shame the piledriver hasn’t gone back to being a match-ending spot (the move used to be instant death), but I’ll take any televised piledriver in 2011.
AJ Styles vs. Christopher Daniels: I’m not a big fan of either guy, and I wasn’t quite sure about putting two high-flying guys into an I Quit match, but the match delivered on it’s premise for the most part and justified its goofy ending by having Daniels bumrush Styles at the conclusion. Towards the end of the match, Daniels was choking out Styles with a chair when he grabbed the microphone and threatened to literally kill Styles, which is something I don’t recall happening too much in a wrestling match. Obviously this meant that Styles was going to win, but it was a great, Terry Funk-lite moment that led to the ending, which was less great, but with a flash of Mick Foley’s I Quit match, minus the specter of Milena. The heel, when faced with a face carrying a screwdriver aimed for the eyes, should probably do two things: Lose the eye (like Funk would) or quit out of cowardice, like Foley. Either route was fine, and it’s good that the course wasn’t diverted.
Lie there while I literally murder you!
Jeff Jarrett’s Stupid Skull Shirt Gets Ripped Apart: I stopped caring about Jeff Jarrett in 1999, and Jeff Hardy around the first break-up of the Hardy Boyz, and my not caring about either has kind of paid off as Jarrett’s largely been a non-factor in wrestling beyond an OK feud with Booker T and some decent stuff in TNA, and Hardy has pretty much been the world’s biggest flake. The only think I appreciated about the Hardy/Jarrett argument/brawl from Bound For Glory (which is presumably why the tag title match was pushed off the card) is that Jeff Jarrett’s stupid skull shirt got shredded. I hate skull shirts. I hate them even more when dudes over 40 wear them in public. Rip that shirt, Jeff Hardy. Kill it good.
D’Lo Brown: My inner-child wanted to know why he wasn’t still wearing a chest protector.
You're looking at the real deal, now.
Sting Finally Gets a Cleanish Win Over Hulk Hogan: Too bad it was still marred by awful storylines, copious interference, and, oh yeah, the fact that Hulk Hogan, after a back surgery, can’t actually wrestle. Also, too bad it wasn’t in 1997. I was expecting him to hit the leg drop and dissolve into a puddle of goo. Instead, he bled buckets and awkwardly turned face. MORE ON THAT LATER.
Bobby Roode vs. Kurt Angle: It was just OK, a lesser version of any number of Chris Benoit/Kurt Angle matches, which I was never really that big a fan of, to be honest, and was certainly lacking Benoit’s intensity. I would have been fine with that had Roode won, but he didn’t. MORE ON THAT LATER, TOO.
Questionable Decision of the Week I: Karren Jarrett as the special referee of the Knockouts Title match. TNA’s women’s division can usually be counted on for a solid match, every time out, but not with a special referee who is obviously only going to pull for one of the four people involved in the match, who obviously doesn’t know much about refereeing, and who obviously doesn’t have much business in a wrestling ring. I don’t know if I’m supposed to see the irony in a former-stripper ragging on the women’s division for looking like strippers, but it added too much unnecessary b.s. to a match that should have been about one woman’s quest to win her first title. Instead, we get a screwy finish and a ton of impending drama that’s going to be hard to care about. This match, by the way, is where the PPV nearly lost all its momentum.
Questionable Decision of the Week II: Hulk Hogan turning face. The crowd ate it up, but seriously, it’s 2011: Stop devoting valuable television time to the architects of the nWo. They’re never going to be responsible for something that big again, and I can’t say that I’m looking forward to the any number of eventual Hulk Hogan matches, especially because one of them will probably be against Ric Flair, who is another guy who should probably be legally prohibited from stepping foot into a building with a wrestling ring.The live crowd ate up Hogan turning face because Sting asked him too, but, beyond it bearing a resemblance to Return of the Jedi, it ate up a lot of time that could have been devoted to, I dunno, wrestling.
Questionable Decision of the Week III: Kurt Angle retains the World Title. Way to create a new star, guys. I don’t care if Roode has a case for a rematch; if you build a show around this being a career-defining, page-turning moment in the history of your company and, on the biggest show on your calendar, fail to follow through on that promise, what was the point of making that promise in the first place?
CM Punk Points Out the Logical Fallacies of the WWE Walk-Out: Raw didn’t really start out too strong, with a group of dudes whining about another group of dudes who were whining about the actions of one dude in particular, Triple H. I still can’t make heads or tails of the situation, but moments before the walk out ended, CM Punk, John Cena and Sheamus came out and talked about why the walk out was pretty much stupid. Punk, who walked out of the WWE at Money in the Bank with the WWE Title, wisely pointed out that the individuals walking out were doing so over the actions that they themselves were often responsible for, that it’s tough to complain about an unsafe workplace one minute and club your opponent in the head when his back’s turned the next. He then was incredibly excited to be the guest timekeeper and sole announcer for the John Cena vs. Sheamus match that was to start the show until…
Vince McMahon Returned: And, in anti-Vince fashion, he didn’t make one reference to his supposedly gigantic genitalia. Though the part where the WWE Board of Directors had no problem with HHH as the COO was a little odd, as was McMahon’s distaste for a dude he himself hired and has continuously elevated up the corporate ladder, McMahon’s all-too-brief return and introduction of Johnny “Funkhauser” Ace as the Raw GM was more unnecessary proof of McMahon as one of the greatest talkers in the history of professional wrestling.
Dolph Ziggler’s Response to Johnny Ace Being GM: Ace stood by the door of the arena and shook everybody’s hand as they came in for the day’s work. Most shook it or fist bumped or said “Thank you.” Ziggler said “WHATEVS” and kept going. Brilliant.
Jim Ross Tips His Hat to Ace Upon Being Fired: I might just be the world’s biggest Jim Ross mark, and was incredibly angry to see him get fired in his home state of Oklahoma. Usually it’s good when something in wrestling enrages me, but this is about the 70th time J.R. has been fired in Oklahoma since he was signed to the WWF in time for Wrestlemania IX, and it left us with a problem the WWE’s been unwilling to deal with since this year’s WrestleMania: Their announcers engaged in a four-month long angle where one made fun of the others dead mother. Ross’ exit was class, though: A tip of the hat and a silent exit. He’ll probably be brought back for the 70th time, but by tipping his hat and walking out the door, J.R. silently said more than many men do given a live microphone and 20 minutes.
Questionable Decision of the Week: Hardly any matches ended cleanly, and the two that did weren’t really anything special. Worse, two main-event level matches–Cena/Sheamus and Punk/Del Rio–ended because some dude in a suit wanted to talk, instead. It’s just as well, since Michael Cole spent the rest of RAW crowing about how happy he was JR was gone, and the minute Johnny Ace was made GM, it was just a matter of waiting for the axe to fall and Miz and R-Truth (collectively known as The Sharecroppers) were brought back to end the show. I continue to be disappointed by the WWE’s refusal to tie up the gigantic loose end of this angle, but hey, maybe Kevin Nash has one of those sweet Hulk Hogan deals and only needs to show up to the pay per views. I refuse to be excited about any further developments on Raw until Nash comes back.
CM Punk and Daniel Bryan Get, Like, Five Seconds Against Each Other: In the show’s opening 41-man battle royal (the biggest in WWE history, according to WWE), a lot of dudes got their clubber on with some other dudes, but I was given hope by the brief encounter between CM Punk and Daniel Bryan, who needed to have an extended program yesterday. I thought it was going to happen a year or so ago, when Punk started calling Bryan’s matches, but then Punk got injured and the program was shelved. Too bad.
Beth Phoenix Finally Beats Kelly Kelly Clean: About damn time.
Sin Cara Unmasks Sin Cara: If this means Mistico will be making his proper WWE debut as Mistico sometime soon, I’m game.
A fellow of infinite jest.
Booker T’s explanation For the Sin Cara vs. Sin Cara Feud: “Maybe it’s like those kung-fu movies, where the guy takes the other guy’s soul. Right? Right Josh?”
Swaggler (Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger) vs. Kofi Kingston and Zack Ryder: With Evan Bourne suffering from Swaggler’s pre and post match beatdown on Monday Night Raw, Zack Ryder stepped in and teamed with WWE Tag Team Champion Kofi Kingston to take on the team. Vickie Guerrero’s tag team find themselves engaged in three feuds–against Mason Ryan, against Air Boom (ugh, what a name), and against Ryder–and, for a minute, I thought they were going to forget about Ryder. Not so. Over the past few weeks, he’s pinned Dolph Ziggler three times and has eliminated him from a battle royal. I suspect a title match will be coming soon, which will be good.
Questionable Decision of the Week: None, really. Just an overall good show with several good matches, two of which ended with understandable, logical interference. The only minor quibble is that Randy Orton went into his match against Mark Henry as if he’d never been in a 41-man battle royal, but Henry got to dominating him pretty early, so it didn’t matter. As has been true for the show’s duration, SmackDown! continues to be WWE’s better wrestling show. This week, it was more entertaining than Raw, too.
