Tag: Triple H

Wrestling Review: WWE Raw (11/10/14)

In the eastern time zone, where I live, WWE Raw begins at 8:00 and ends, on average, around 11:15. This, I’ve realized, is a lot of time to devote to a weekday wrestling show. And I mean that; I’ve only just now realized this. Maybe it’s because WCW Monday Nitro was three hours when I was a child, or maybe it’s because I was more actively engaged with Raw before I had a Monday night class, but the fact of Raw‘s three hours never felt more real, more oppressive, than last night’s pre-taped episode from Liverpool, England. For this, I’m also going to blame the fact that last week Vince McMahon, WWE’s big bad for half of my life, the swaggering symbol of things mattering on weekly television, came out and said that he was going to shake things up. He said this in reference to the WWE Network being free to new subscribers in November, and in reference to the main event of the upcoming Survivor Series pay-per-view, which will pit John Cena‘s makeshift team of allies against a team of surrogates for Triple H in a match that determines whether or not Vince’s family gets to continue running Vince’s company, but he said he was shaking things up, and I believed this. And then Raw this week from Liverpool started with a 20-minute John Cena interview.

I get it. I do. John Cena, as has been said for months now since Daniel Bryan went on the shelf with a shoulder injury, is the face of the company, and when the company is producing a show overseas, you begin with that face. But everything about this Raw felt exactly the same as the last time I was able to watch the show, only it was in England, which meant that it also felt exactly the same as the last Raw to emanate from there, what with its gigantic Union Jacks hanging from the rafters to compensate for a smaller tron, the red phone booth and old Rolls Royce on the entrance ramp to let those of us in America know what England is, and the crowd chants that are so routine and oppressive that, at this point, they may as well be the Goldberg chants that used to get pumped into dead WCW arenas. John Cena comes out, he tells the crowd that he enjoys the fact that they feel free enough in this, today’s modern society, to sing along mockingly to his theme song, and then he gets real serious, as he always does. The Authority is out to get him. They’re injuring his friends, like Zack Ryder. They don’t want to make Survivor Series fair. The odds are against John Cena because of course they are, but he’s got Dolph Ziggler, he’s got Jack Swagger, and he’s got hope. He’s gonna rise above hate, as only he can, but he needs help to do it. So he calls out Ryback, who he will be wrestling in the main event. Ryback comes out, but since he isn’t trusted with a live microphone, The Authority make their way to the ring and introduce their new teammate, Mark Henry. From there, everybody recaps what happened last week, sets up tonight’s matches, then plays tug of war with Ryback’s soul. See, even though he said upon his return that the WWE Universe needed a hero and that he was going to be that hero, nothing that happens on YouTube is cannon, so Ryback says that he doesn’t need The Authority behind him, but that he doesn’t see John Cena paying his checks. He gives Cena a spinebuster, Stephanie McMahon taunts Cena by mocking Daniel Bryan’s “YES!” chants, and we have us some more odds for Cena to overcome. Or do we? This is something the announce team bickers about all night, because Cena needs a team but joining him would be career suicide, so the story of the evening is a will-he-or-won’t-he affair with Ryback’s fresh face turn (and the surprising amount of support that garnered him) hanging in the balance. Oh, and the left-field choice of Jack Swagger as a member of Team Cena, which leads us to…

Seth Rollins vs. Jack Swagger: Swagger is something of an aimless face (further made plain by his manager Zeb Coulter‘s xenophobic American gimmick seeming completely out of place when folks are meant to cheer for it), but he and Seth Rollins are pretty good against each other, which makes Swagger’s normal awkwardness moot. Swagger gets some impressive height on a leg drop and is in control of the match, the Liverpool audience chanting “WE THE PEOPLE” for him, but Rollins hits him with a dropkick. This only angers Swagger, who throws Rollins around the ring like a rag doll. Rollins gains the advantage during the commercial and when we come back, the crowd is bored enough already to start chanting for the announcers, who are already hinting that Ryback might not be on Team Authority after all. Swagger gets the Swagger Bomb in for a two and kicks out of a sunset flip attempt by transitioning into an Ankle Lock, which is very pretty. Rollins gets to the ropes, then sends Swagger to the floor. He rushes him, but Swagger trips him mid-air and goes for the Ankle Lock again. Rollins escapes from the barricade, allowing his security team of Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury to distract Swagger. Rollins leaps over the barricade and shoves Swagger head first into the turnbuckle, which stuns him to the point that Rollins is able to hit the Curb Stomp for the win. Rating: B-

The match was built around the spot where Rollins shoves Swagger into the ring post, and until that point the whole thing felt like the two were stalling for time. The referee calls for the ringside physician to check Swagger for a concussion, but he is pulled away by Rollins’ goons so that Rollins can hit Swagger with another Curb Stomp. Jack Swagger, it’s safe to say, is no longer on Team Cena. After recapping a confrontation between Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt that happened on SmackDown!, they cut to a pre-taped backstage interview with Ambrose, who responds by telling Wyatt about his mile-long rap sheet in professional wrestling. Ambrose says that he isn’t anybody’s hero, and that he fights demons and ghosts that are scarier than Bray Wyatt. It’s a good promo, but I have no idea why Ambrose is in the back talking to a camera when he is one of the best on the roster at playing a live crowd. He never shows up live, which probably contributes to the crowd’s quickly deflating mood, and they announce that Ambrose and Wyatt will wrestle at Survivor Series, which will likely be the best match of the night. Backstage live, Ryback flexes and grunts while Kane (who I will not call Corporate Kane) talks about what’s on the line. Ryback says he wants to be alone, but Kane is all like “I’m a business man and this is a business, so let me manage you,” and Ryback is like “fuck you, meatbag,” and now we have drama.

Alicia Fox vs. Paige: Michael Cole says that Alicia Fox is “slightly off,” which means “CRAZY BITCH” in WWE-speak, and Lawler says that she “has more curves than a race track” because he is a 64-year-old bag of garbage. Paige gets a very nice response from the crowd and Lawler talks about how attractive a woman a third of his age is because that’s what really matters here. Fox attacks immediately with a Thesz press because they have an actual issue that gets less coverage than their bodies, but Paige takes the advantage quickly, kneeing Fox in rapid succession from the apron. Paige is wearing Union Jack Doc Martins for Queen and Country, and they do not look like they’d be fun to wrestle in. Fox hits a nice Northern Lights Suplex and quickly moves into a Bow and Arrow hold, which she uses to slam Paige face-first to the mat. Paige kicks out of a backbreaker, counters a tilt-a-whirl slam into a cross body, hits her Rampaige DDT, and that’s it. I guess the Fox/Paige feud is over in three minutes because writing for women is hard. Rating: C+

Backstage, the evil Russian Rusev and his handler Lana are walking around with our United States Heavyweight Championship, those bastards. Stephanie McMahon sees them and calls them over so she can ask Lana if Rusev will be on their team at Survivor Series. Lana says that she’ll have to check with Vladimir Putin (which is such a great gimmick), and Stephanie snaps. Rusev looks a bit pissed when Stephanie calls Lana a “stuck up Russian twit,” but things blow over because it’s time for Rusev to celebrate his conquest of America in England. Before we can get to that, though, we get a promo for Xavier Woods’ new gimmick, which is a James Brown/gospel preacher riff. While Woods is obviously charismatic enough to pull something like this off, coming from a (mostly) white writing team (I assume) and a company that has had its history of embarrassing gimmicks for persons of color that involve singing, dancing, and other racial stereotypes, I’m not entirely looking forward to his re-debut. Stephanie McMahon and Triple H aren’t watching Xavier, though, because why would they? They’re talking about why Vince McMahon is challenging them and figure that they’re gonna crush Cena like they crush everything. “What if?” Steph wonders. What if, indeed?

Rusev and Lana hit the ring to gloat over our fallen American heroes, which is my favorite thing in professional wrestling in 2014. Seriously, Rusev plays the awkward super-athlete so well that you’d figure he was born and raised in a lab somewhere, and Lana, though she’s as Russian as a cartoon character, she’s the best regular manager on television right now. Some chump says that the Kremlin is proud of Rusev and puts up the world’s most awkward picture of Putin, who has never heard of any of these people. Rusev demands respect for and plays the Russian national anthem, which rules. Sheamus interrupts this with his terrible theme song, and we have us a rematch.

WWE United States Championship – Sheamus vs. Rusev (Champion): After letting them clear the ring, Sheamus and Rusev pick up where they left off on last week’s WWE Network exclusive match, beating the absolute hell out of each other. Rusev is a tank, an absolute throwback of a human being who is beautiful and terrible to behold, and Sheamus is one of the more underrated wrestlers on the WWE roster because he is John Cena without a tan: Capable of classic matches against anybody, but stale. Everything about this match looks painful and great. Sheamus starts the match with his hair gelled and spiked, but midway through it is a sweaty, orange mat on top of his head. That never happens to Sheamus, but that’s how hard he and Rusev are going. Hammer blows, headbutts, knee lifts, side kicks—this is a fight, and a very well-paced one. Rusev is one of the best in WWE at selling the effects of a match, and everything you do to Sheamus shows up on his skin. They keep developing Rusev’s in-ring offense, too, as he breaks out a guillotine choke hold that he hasn’t used before. I’ll probably never get tired of his throwback gimmick, but his matches are another story. So long as he keeps developing as a wrestler, he’s gold to me. Sheamus and Rusev continue trading strikes into the commercial, but Rusev is pretty clearly ahead on points. when we come back. Rollins’ goons show up at ringside to watch what’s going on, and Sheamus dazes Rusev with a series of strikes. But Rusev responds with a dropkick of surprising grace, given the man’s size. Sheamus hits Rusev with a powerslam for a two-count and JBL, on commentary, pronounces “Putin,” “PEW TIN.” This mispronunciation gives Sheamus the strength he needs to try a cloverleaf on the champion, but in a nice twist you don’t see very often, Rusev’s legs are too thick for Sheamus to figure out the move. He eventually hits White Noise, but again, Rusev kicks out. Rusev ducks a Brogue Kick and rolls out of the ring, but Sheamus climbs the turnbuckles and dives onto him! Rusev makes his way back into the ring at an eight count, Sheamus is attacked by Noble and Rollins, and Rusev wins via countout. Rating: B+

No clean finish, but eventually the two will get a pay-per-view match that settles their excelent feud. Right now, what’s important is that The Authority has managed to convince Rusev and Lana to join their team. Stephanie McMahon doesn’t care about Vladimir Putin, because everybody in WWE hates the very idea of Russia. But she loves saying the word “CRUSH” like she’s on Rocky and Bullwinkle. Seth Rollins visits Ryback in his locker room, where he is doing some resistance band exercises. Rollins goes on and on about teamwork and The Authority, and Ryback only listens when Rollins brings up their problems in the past. Then Rollins says Ryback can take orders from him, “okay big man?” Ryback’s response: “It’s not big man. It’s The Big Guy.” Ryback is the greatest.

Los Matadores vs. The Miz and Damien Sandow: Sandow is still firmly in “Damien Mizdow” mode, and his impersonation of The Miz is the most popular The Miz has ever been. Because Los Matadores are accompanied by El Torito, Hornswoggle accompanies Miz and Sandow to the ring as “Mini-Miz,” and the Torito/Hornswoggle feud rolls on. Hornswoggle isn’t as good at The Miz’s mannerisms as Sandow is, but that’s part of the joke. The crowd chants for Mizdow, and the Miz is upset about it. On the ring apron, Mizdow is stunt doubling Miz’s mannerisms and reactions to moves, as he has been doing for some time now, only when he bumps for something Los Matadores do to Miz, he has to fall off the apron. It works in continuing to irk The Miz, who finally tags in his stunt double to rapturous applause. It’s a tease, though, as he blind tags back in. Mizdow is cool with it though (the first time this has been true of any tag team in history), and goes back to falling off the apron as Miz takes abuse. He’s eventually responsible for the win, holding down the foot of one of the Matadores while Miz has him pinned. Unlike when he was the fourth member of Three Man Band, Hornswoggle didn’t really add anything to the act, but it looks like Miz and his stunt double are heading towards a Tag Team Championship match. Rating: B-

Dolph Ziggler points out that at five on two, his and Cena’s odds aren’t looking so good. Cena offers Dolph a chance to back out, but Dolph refuses, saying that The Authority has been holding too many people down for too long. “You’re telling me,” Cena says, completely serious despite his being a fifteen time WWE Champion. Cena says he’ll be at ringside, but Triple H was eavesdropping and puts the kibosh on that. Then he does a little dance.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Mark Henry: Usually this would be a very exciting match. Ziggler against any large man usually results in Ziggler bouncing around the ring like a pinball. Before Mark Henry comes out, a video of Luke Harper‘s eyes plays, threatening Dolph. Then Three 6 Mafia plays Mark Henry to the ring, which, honestly, is scarier. Henry throws Ziggler around, negating Ziggler’s speed advantage at every turn. There’s a very awkward attempt at a schoolboy into the turnbuckles that goes nowhere, and another hard-to-describe flying whatsit that doesn’t look good but stuns Henry regardless. Once they go outside the ring, Henry tosses Ziggler into the barricade, but he’s able to move out of the way of a charging World’s Strongest Man, who ends up flying over the barricade. Henry picks up a chair and throws it into Ziggler’s face, giving the Intercontinental Champion the win by disqualification. Rating: C

Henry continues to wear Ziggler out after the match, putting the ring steps into the ring and setting his opponent up for a World’s Strongest Slam upon them. Having suffered this last week, The Big Show saunters his way down to the ring, ribs taped, and the two have a slow battle of behemoths over the stairs, which Show eventually throws at Henry. Show gets on the mic, calls Henry a hoss, and announces that he’s joined Team Cena. We get another New Day promo for Kofi Kingston, who embraces and welcomes pressure, because pressure makes diamonds, haw-haw. I’m glad a choir got a payday, I guess, but man. Big Show catches up with John Cena backstage, who can’t believe Show is on his side. That’s fair since they’ve only fought each other a billion times. Big Show says that nobody hates The Authority more than he does, which is also fair because they shredded a pretty sweet contract the old regime gave him and made him cry a lot last year. Gallons of tears. Sheamus joins the squad because Rusev, handshakes are had, and Big Show says “I think business just picked up a little bit here,” which, along with “hoss,” makes him either the eager dude in the action movie who gets killed first, or a small town boy visiting the big city gay bar for the first time. Either way, I’m a fan.

AJ Lee vs. Brie Bella: Brie Bella is her sister Nikki‘s personal assistant for the month. Tonight, that means that she was made to wear a suit and serve tea. I’d say this is embarrassing, but Brie’s little butler suit is actually the least embarrassing thing either Bella Twin has worn in ages. Nikki stands outside the ring and yells stuff at her sister, like “HARDER!” and “WIN!” and it’s all mean, I guess. Nikki has a Diva’s Championship match against AJ Lee at Survivor Series, and so Brie’s task is to soften AJ up. The mutants in the crowd chant “CM Punk” because that is who AJ Lee is married to, but the match is aimless and short, so I guess they have to amuse themselves somehow. The Bellas have vastly improved in the ring, but I think my problem with them is that they punctuate every move with a big, exaggerated grunt, like children doing karate. AJ, who has actually been pretty listless since her return, picks up the win with the Black Widow in about three minutes, because that’s what women get. Rating: C-

Nikki gets into the ring and blindsides AJ. She takes off her tiny varsity jacket and hurls it at her sister, yelling “YOU’RE A LOSER!” like she’s trying to score a role on Pretty Little Liars. She then hits AJ with the Rack Attack, which is a good looking, terribly named maneuver. “That is how the number one Bella does it,” she says, but the jersey she’s wearing has the number two on it. Jerry Lawler asks if Bruce Wayne did everything Batman said to do, but JBL also mucks up Alfred’s name, so the two bicker uselessly about comic books because Brie couldn’t follow her sister’s orders and win. Mark Henry visits Ryback in his locker room, and this is the best segment of the night in Ryback’s dimly lit rage cavern because The Big Guy is all weird charisma and Mark Henry is the best in the world at what he does, which is talk shit and be amazing. It’s the best. Grumpy Cat is going to be on Raw next week, so hopefully that meme is dead.

Adam Rose vs. Tyson Kidd: Adam Rose is my least favorite gimmick in the history of wrestling. Tyson Kidd has been the most underrated member of the WWE Roster for his entire tenure. Right now, they’re turning Rose heel by having him in a disagreement with member of his entourage that dresses like a bunny. He keeps getting involved in matches, which costs Rose. It’s actually interesting, which is something of a shock. Rose and the bunny dance around like nothing is wrong. Kidd and Rose get things going, and Erick Rowan walks down to the ring, looking for a woman. This…is the kind of gimmick that gets you future endeavored. The fans are really into Adam Rose’s theme song, more than Adam Rose. Regardless, Rose gets the advantage and the bunny gets involved, climbing the turnbuckles for a frog splash. Rose waves him off because that’d be a disqualification and yells at the idiot, and Tyson Kidd quickly locks in the Sharpshooter for the win. Grade: C

While Kidd’s terrible theme music plays, the bunny tries to make good with Rose. Rose replies to the bunny’s hopping around by kicking him in the gut. Michael Cole tries to say how terrible this is, but dude, it’s a man in a bunny costume, and he is fucking Adam Rose over. A close-up of Rose’s face makes him look like a man absolutely worn-down by his non-stop party, and it’s, again, interesting. We’ll see how interesting it is in three months when they’re still doing a will-he-or-won’t-he thing with Rose and the bunny. The announcer plug the WWE Network’s being free for the month, which seems cruel since the UK doesn’t have it yet. Team Authority meet backstage, and Mark Henry asks if he has to stand next to Rusev because, oh my God, he remembers that he had a serious issue with Rusev a month ago. Kane says that Ryback has an attitude problem, and Triple H starts to worry because nobody is on the same page. Ryback shows up angry that everybody is gossiping behind his back, but Triple H doesn’t care about that. Just go out and crush John Cena. That’s all Triple H wants. He bans Cena’s team from ringside. Stephanie McMahon tries to rally the troops, but egos, man. Bray Wyatt cuts a promo on Dean Ambrose and society. It’s good because Bray Wyatt is good, but the decision to have the two most interesting characters on television not appear before the crowd? Terrible.

John Cena vs. Ryback: John Cena is secretly one of the best wrestlers in history. I happen to be one of the biggest Ryback fans on the planet. This match, one would think, seems right up my ally. But part of the reason Ryback’s huuuuuge push in 2010 stalled out was because nobody really knew how to work with him for more than eight or nine minutes. That’s still a problem in 2014, which is too bad because Ryback has actually evolved quite a bit as a character since then. They play this match smart at first, having Cena try to figure out Ryback’s otherworldly strength, but no match is just its feeling out process, so things fall apart when Cena stops running into Ryback’s shoulder. That being said, the first few minutes are pretty good, and while I’ve come to expect people reversing Cena’s signature moves, I’ve not seen his bulldog turned into a powerslam. Kane tells Ryback to do his job while Ryback is doing his job, and Cena manages to knock Ryback off the apron into Kane. Drama. Ryback pulls out some new moves, both of the uranage variety, but everything is so slow and awkward that those moves, which should get big reactions, play to silence. Ryback goes for his finish but Cena counters and tries to go for his shoulder blocks, only to be taken out with a powerslam. The two counter each other until Ryback comes out on top. Kane keeps yelling at Ryback while Seth Rollins astutely points out that Ryback has everything under control. Then Ryback powerbombs Cena across the ring, which is just ridiculous. Ryback goes for a Razor’s Edge, but Cena counters into the STF. This is unquestionably the best match Cena and Ryback have had (and is maybe the best match of Ryback’s career), but it still doesn’t feel right for some reason. Cena gets Ryback in the STF again, but Ryback muscles Cena up into the Shellshock. Cena wiggles out and hits Ryback with his powerbomb, Kane gets involved, and before Ryback can finish Cena off, Kane climbs into the ring and attacks Cena, ending the match. Rating: B-

Ryback gets into Kane’s face and Kane takes off his jakcket and tie. Seth Rollins tries to break things up, but Ryback decks Rollins and Kane takes Ryback out with a big boot. Team Authority mugs Cena in the ring, so Team Cena responds with the smart wrestling strategy of emerging one at a time so they can all have their asses kicked by five much fresher men. Some of Team Authority’s combinations look like they might be fun within the context of a match, so there’s that. Ryback gets back into the ring after hanging out for a bit and wipes out the entirety of Team Authority, who are quickly without a fifth member. Cena watches all of this from the corner, but Ryback is out of there before he can join Cena’s team. Still, just when things are starting to look even, Raw ends backstage, with Dolph Ziggler thrown at the feet of Stephanie McMahon and Triple H. Luke Harper is there when the camera pans over to him, clutching his denim vest like a proud nerd might hold the straps of his suspenders. “A’hm a team playuh” is what he says, because he’s from the swamp, and Triple H and Stephanie look at the dude real confused. They don’t want any swamp people on their all-beefcake team.

Rating:

November 11, 2014
Wrestling Review: WWE Raw (10/22/14)
Last night, I watched wrestling. This is admittedly nothing new. Since the advent of the WWE Network, I watch wrestling every day, sometimes for hours. I’m writing a book of poetry about wrestling, I run a few Tumblrs about wrestling—it all comes with the territory. But last night I watched Raw, which I haven’t gotten a chance to do much this summer because the work that I’ve done this summer and the reason I do it often leaves me scrambling to bask in the warm glow of nostalgia. Though I can’t imagine a scenario where my friends and I don’t gather in my new house to watch the WWE Network’s less-than-stellar stream of Summerslam this Sunday, anything going on right now serves as a less-than-welcome reminder that soon enough I’ll be sitting down in front of a computer to listen to the rich talk about the problems inherent with having only a million dollars put away in an IRA. But it’s Hulk Hogan’s birthday, and even though The Hulkster now exists largely to talk about the virtues of the WWE Network (which, at 700,000 subscribers paying $9.99 a month to watch video footage Vince McMahon acquired for pennies on the dollar, is somehow considered a failure because the world of business has rules as made up, impenetrable, stupid, and fake as professional wrestling), I love the big orange bastard and always will. True fact: I went to WrestleMania XXX this year mostly because I wanted to see a 60 year old man rip his shirt off and flex his ancient muscles. When he messed up and called the Superdome the Silverdome (where he body slammed Andre the Giant some 27 WretleManias earlier), I was the only person in the arena not booing, because that was my WrestleMania, brother. The one in Detroit. The one that set the records. The Greatest Night In the History of Our Sport.

I had to get through three hours of Raw for Hulk Hogan’s birthday celebration, which, frankly, is insane. Exactly zero things on television this side of a holiday marathon of The Twilight Zone should last three hours, but that’s exactly what Raw does: It lasts. It staggers. It lurches. It finishes, out of breath and somehow overtime, maneuvering its various pieces around in an effort to hide the fact that nothing is happening. The recurring theme of an episode of Raw these days is the price point of the WWE Network, where, oddly, you can’t watch Raw, because even though Vince McMahon has cast his lot with the future, he still finds his business shackled to the mediums of the past. 700,000 is, to me, an impressive number of human beings who are willing to pay for access to a staggering number of frankly mediocre wrestling shows, but the last I checked, the average episode of Raw manages to pull in 3,000,000, and they sit through ads for things like Juicy Drop Pops and Sonic Chili Cheese Dogs. They’ll sit through the not-infrequent advertisements that air during an episode of Raw, too, where the comedic wrestlers on the show shill food or beverage in a way that makes me wish I couldn’t ingest things. But I can, and I do. Often during wrestling. Tonight, it was curry. Sunday, when my $9.99 will allow me to watch Summerslam? Who knows? Summerslam was the focus of tonight’s episode of Raw, as all of the men and women who will have matches on the show did their bit to advance their storyline to the point where that match would take on some semblance of meaning. Some of the matches on Summerslam, you can tell, are just there to eat the clock. While I know a lot of people are looking forward to Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins, and while I suppose it makes a certain amount of sense that a feud based on one man’s quest to hunt down another who keeps running away would come to a head in a lumberjack match—that’s a match where the ring is surrounded by the wrestlers who will not be wrestling that evening—Ambrose and Rollins work much better when they have the arena as their playground. Similarly, an old-school Russia vs. USA Flag Match—the winner is the man who retrieves his flag from a pole that rises high above the ring—seems like a fun idea, but the WWE writer’s room stopped having interesting-if-poorly-informed things to say about the current political situation in Russia a few months ago, and Tea Party Patriot cum hirsute manager Zeb Coulter (picture Yosemite Sam on a fly fishing trip) constantly making reference to Rocky and Bullwinkle isn’t going to make Rocky IV feel any fresher in 2014.

But WWE can do a remarkable job of promoting a big match, and that is the axis upon which Summerslam revolves, the WWE World Heavyweight Championship clash between 15-time champion John Cena and unleashed Kraken Brock Lesnar. I like John Cena. I really like John Cena. I think the first John Cena match I saw was against Rob Van Dam at a WWE-produced revival of Extreme Championship Wrestling, a 90s entity that is responsible for revolutionizing wrestling in a number of ways large and small, one of which was to turn every professional wrestling fan over the age of 25 into an overly-entitled rage monster. I wasn’t watching wrestling much in 2006, but I remembered and liked ECW, so I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings in Taylor, Michigan to watch the somewhat local ECW legend Van Dam (from Battle Creek, MI) finally ascend to the WWE Championship (something I’d “borrowed” my mom’s credit card a few times to see in 2001, though Van Dam never clinched the title). ECW One Night Stand took place in the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City, which was a major hotbed for the organization when it was a real thing and not a marketing tool, and which remains a magnet for large independent wrestling events to this day. When John Cena’s music hit, 2,460 adult human beings really got on John Cena’s case for daring to be a professional wrester. He wore jean shorts, sneakers, and useless sweatbands, sure, but watching Cena go to work in that environment, 2,460 human adults chanting things like “Cena swallows” (a “hardcore” addendum to the time-tested chant of “Cena sucks”), I was won over by him immediately. By the time the people in the Buffalo Wild Wings, several thousand miles from New York City, started joining in on the chants emanating from the Hammerstein Ballroom, I knew I had a new favorite wrestler.

And so it’s been for me since then, which is a decision that’s treated me well. I’m into wrestling for the wrestling matches these days, and more often than not, on big shows, against big opponents, John Cena has one hell of a match. My favorite John Cena match in the past few years was the one that he had against Brock Lesnar at Extreme Rules in 2012, a stupidly named and often poorly booked show of “hardcore” matches that exists as a way to get a few thousand extra orders on a show that isn’t WrestleMania or Summerslam and that should go away post-haste, since the WWE Network exists, and, for $9.99, I’d watch WWE Singles Match if that’s what they wanted to call the damn thing. Cena vs. Lesnar had happened before, when John Cena was new and Brock Lesnar was thinking about quitting wrestling to try out for the National Football League, but I wasn’t watching and neither man was the symbol they’d become by the time 2012 brought Lesnar back to the world of fake fighting. Cena was the face of the WWE. Lesnar had gone legit, capturing the UFC Heavyweight Championship and maneuvering that sport towards an atmosphere that looked and sounded a lot like WWE, just without the benefit of goosed narratives. Diverticulitis took Lesnar out of the UFC, and a gigantic contract brought him back to a limited schedule of dates for the WWE. Now he functions much like Godzilla: When a major event comes around, he surfaces, wrecks a bunch of stuff, and leaves. He is the closest thing we have on this planet to a legitimate movie monster, and he is a glorious thing to behold. I love John Cena, but I want to see Brock Lesnar break him in half. I want him to make it look easy, like he’s hanging out on his ranch, shooting rifles with his brother, and eating a pile of terrible submarine sandwiches. Because John Cena is at his absolute best against guys like Lesnar, who are so good at the work they’ve been put here to do that they hate that work and the people who’d pay to witness it. Cena is great when he has to work for something, and ridding the WWE of the guy who crushed The Undertaker at WrestleMania, whose 21-0 streak going into WrestleMania XXX was the only thing in wrestling that could be said to mean more than any given title, is the only something left.

This episode of Raw presented something of a debate between Lesnar—represented by his advocate, Paul Heyman—and Cena; two extended interview segments that were both quite good. Heyman rapped, which, when you’re a 48-year-old man who was once prominently billed as “The Psycho Yuppie,” sounds more like Dr. Seuss than N.W.A., and Cena spoke largely about passion, how he has it, and how Lesnar’s lack of it means that he doesn’t deserve the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Heyman hit his peak a few weeks ago when he brought Lesnar out as the man who would conquer John Cena’s 15th reign as champion and has been coasting a bit since—making fun of Cena’s origins as the horrible white rapper from the mean streets of West Newbury has been a thing since Cena was that character—but that’s kind of the point. He’s the dude standing behind King Kong. He doesn’t need to try very hard, because even a subpar effort from Paul Heyman on the microphone is museum quality compared to anybody else in the game.

This was made painfully obvious by the evening’s other large piece of non-physical storytelling, the ongoing saga of Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon. An offshoot of last summer’s program that saw the rise of bearded populist hero Daniel Bryan in the face of a heartless corporate power structure that didn’t get why arenas across the country were making a big deal out of a guy they’d branded “goat face,” Bryan’s triumph at WrestleMania XXX (he beat Triple H, the head of the Authority, and then defeated Randy Orton and Batista to become the WWE World Heavyweight Champion) quickly turned sour, as his father died and he suffered a severe neck injury. This has caused him to relinquish the championship and largely disappear from television as he rehabs en route to an eventual return. Since, they’ve shunted the Bryan vs. Authority storyline to Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon, the wives (in reality and in wrestling) of Bryan and Triple H.

Sometimes, when Stephanie McMahon is leading Brie through segments, everything is fine. Stephanie McMahon has grown considerably as a character over the past 15 years of her being in the spotlight, and is perhaps the second best Evil Boss character in the history of the medium, behind only her father. Brie Bella…is not good at talking. That’d be fine in a reality television show, where she actually thrives, but in a storyline that requires her to garner sympathy from an arena full of angry dudes, it’s going to take more than blackmailing the boss and calling her a bitch every week to get people invested. So this week, Stephanie brought out Daniel Bryan’s personal trainer, who awkwardly admitted to having an affair with the former champion, Brie’s husband, etc. This was, I guess, supposed to embarrass Brie Bella, but the segment was mostly terrible because, for starters, the woman playing the physical therapist was an atrocious actor even by wrestling standards. McMahon intimating Bryan’s cries “Yes! Yes! Yes!” in a tone suggesting the fake pornographic moans of an Herbal Essences commercial was funny, and I guess it makes sense that a heel would resort to slutshaming (the poor physical therapist is there in the corner watching McMahon imitate her during sex) in an effort to make the live fans cheer for Brie, but I checked out on this angle around the time McMahon was thrown into a gigantic kiddie pool of human waste, and whatever loyalty I have to Daniel Bryan doesn’t automatically transfer over to his spouse, because that isn’t how well-developed characters are created. Still, McMahon vs. Bella is the second most important match on the second most important show on the WWE calendar, and the crowd absolutely eats it up whenever the two get into a physical confrontation. There’s probably something to be said about the fact that these confrontations have been built around the signature moves of their husbands, but I’m not swimming through the kiddie pool of human waste to retrieve it. Therein you’ll probably also find a salient point about the biggest insult hurled by McMahon or Bella, beyond “bitch,” is the insinuation that Brie Bella is not good at sexually satisfying Daniel Bryan, which is, I guess, the job you sign up for when you get married.

Finally, Brock Lesnar crashed Hulk Hogan’s birthday party, because of course he did. “Party’s over, grandpa,” he said, leering like the villain of an 80s film. Brock Lesnar is there to beat up the collective childhoods of everybody in that arena—beyond Hogan, the ring had filled with Roddy Piper, Ric Flair, the nWo of Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, “Mean” Gene Okerlund, Jimmy Hart, and “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff. John Cena saved the day, because of course he did, but that doesn’t matter much. Nothing happened between he and Lesnar, because that can wait until Sunday, until Summerslam, until you’ve given up $9.99 for it and the rest of the card. Before those two had their final confrontation, and before all of the old-timers came out and Scott Hall had a bit of fun running through his old nWo catchphrases and Hogan ripped off his red and yellow Hulkamania shirt to reveal the black and white New World Order shirt beneath, Gene Okerlund directed Hogan’s attention to the video screen, where a legitimately touching tribute to Hogan played. It was set to Bob Dylan’s “Forever Young.” Hulk Hogan is 61 now, and while he can come out and run through the catchphrases and rip his shirt off and do the same bodybuilding poses I saw as a four-year old, he’s never going to wrestle again. Time has officially caught up to Hulk Hogan, and seeing clips of him dropping leg after leg to Dylan was strange at first, somehow dissonant to what Hogan was, until it hit me that, well, it kind of fit. The Ultimate Warrior died this year. Randy Savage died in 2011.”When you turn 61-years-young,” Hogan said, bringing down the energy after mustering a bit of that vintage Hogan hype, “you start to reflect back on a few things.”

Nothing Hogan could say on a night that ended with him cutting into a birthday cake festooned with candles spelling out “9.99” was going to reach the zenith of what turned out to be the final public appearance of The Ultimate Warrior, but last night, The Immortal Hulk Hogan pondered his mortality. And while the footage of his staring down Brock Lesnar will likely be replayed over and over for the next year, if not longer, the fact that there was no physical altercation between the two—not even Lesnar shoving Hogan to the mat, which would have blown the roof off of the building—speaks volumes about what Hulk Hogan is capable of in 2014. Hulkamania may be willing, brother, but all the training, prayers, and vitamins in the world can’t stop time. Beyond a paycheck, this is why someone like Hulk Hogan might be interested in forking over $9.99 for the WWE Network. Not for Summerslam, which will be there regardless, but because he’ll be dropping legs and shredding t-shirts on it forever, immortal, as promised. For a wrestler—for the wrestler—that’s not a bad legacy.

Results:
- Paul Heyman addressed Brock Lesnar’s upcoming match against John Cena by “rapping.” Since he did so without a beat, one could even say he freestyled.
- Roman Reigns def. RybAxel (Ryback and Curtis Axel) via disqualification.
- Bray Wyatt and Chris Jericho had a face-to-face confrontation that was lifted entirely from The Silence of the Lambs.
- Seth Rollins def. Rob Van Dam via pinfall. After the match, Dean Ambrose emerged from a giant gift box to attack Rollins, who ran away through the crowd.
- Stephanie McMahon interviewed Daniel Bryan’s physical therapist, who admitted to having an affair with Bryan. This led Bryan’s wife, Brie Bella, to slap the therapist and attack McMahon, putting her in Bryan’s signature finishing maneuver, the Yes! Lock.
- Jack Swagger def. Cesaro via submission. He then stared down Rusev, their inactivity a metaphor for the Cold War.
- Eva Marie def. WWE Diva’s Champion AJ Lee by pinfall due to a distraction by Paige, who then read a terrible poem to mock her “frienemy,” which is an awful word to hear a trio of middle-aged men repeat seven or eight times in six minutes.
- John Cena called out Brock Lesnar, who did not respond.
- Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon did not occur, as Brie Bella was arrested for assaulting Daniel Bryan’s physical therapist.
- Heath Slater def. Dolph Ziggler via count-out, as The Miz was distracting Ziggler from the announce table.
- Randy Orton def. WWE United States Champion Sheamus by pinball.
- Hulk Hogan’s birthday party was interrupted by Brock Lesnar. The assembled old folks there to celebrate Hogan’s 61 years of Hulkamania running wild were saved from a beating by John Cena. Rather than fight, Lesnar ditched the ring, saving the inevitable clash for this Sunday’s Summerslam.
Rating:

For no reason other than that they played him down to the ring to it last night, be sure to listen to Paul Orndorff’s brilliant theme song:
August 12, 2014
TV Review: WWE Monday Night Raw (7/24/12)

At times, last night’s episode of WWE Raw felt like it was being piped in from several alternate universes, which, I suspect, is just the nature of the “family reunion” style of show the company is fond of putting on when it meets and eclipses certain milestones. If, like me, you have an oddly (sadly) precise memory for the goings-on of World Wrestling Entertainment, things like the Degeneration X reunion—which saw Triple H and Shawn Michaels join forces with X-Pac and the New Age Outlaws for fifteen minutes of passable, PG jokes about how old the quintet has become—are head-scratching affairs due to giant, gaping holes in continuity. Yes, the Triple H/Shawn Michaels configuration of the group wore the same t-shirts as the Triple H/X-Pac/New Age Outlaws iteration, but Michaels had considerable beef with those dudes once he was ousted from the group, and said beef was never satisfactorily resolved. (more…)

July 24, 2012
WrestleMania 28 Preview: The Cult of Insecurity

Despite what I said about my experience as a wrestling announcer, I find myself in a familiar position on WrestleMania night: Shivering with anticipation for the evening’s proceedings, preparing myself for an intense letdown. It’s a strange thing, the wrestling fan’s relationship with Wrestlemania, and while many fans now might be happy with the show because it’s given Ring of Honor and Dragon Gate USA a chance to get their names out there, while they may claim to be in it for the Hall of Fame, the FCW talent performing during Wrestlemania week, the Highspots.com reception, or the weird excuse to take a week off of work, the fact remains that this is Wrestlemania, and that wrestling fans have come to expect a lot from what the WWE bills the Showcase of the Immortals. No matter how good or bad the build, no matter how good or bad the card, no matter how good or bad the actual show, we care because we’ve been primed to care for so many years, because the old adage that “Anything can happen in the World Wrestling ~~Federation~~ Entertainment” is, on one night, actually true. If wrestling is my religion, than this is my Christmas.

This has been a weird road to Wrestlemania for me. As of June 3, I’ll be training to become a wrestler myself, and, as such, have been watching Raw and SmackDown! less as a form of free entertainment than as a means to watch an incredibly well-produced training video. Yes, I’ve been paying attention to the stories, and yes, my heart skips a beat whenever Daniel Bryan pulls out a cheap win or Chris Jericho ekes out a small package victory over CM Punk, but my interest in learning how to wrestle, coupled with a course schedule that makes it impossible to catch a whole show, means that I’ve been following the events by proxy, that I’ve had to read recaps of Raw and SmackDown! and formulate for myself the whys and wherefores of certain feuds. Is it possible to catch up on Raw and SmackDown! later? Sure. But beyond maybe a Punk/Jericho or Daniel Bryan segment here and there, I haven’t missed a whole lot, and the point of Raw is its live nature—there’s more energy when you’re watching stuff happen as it unfolds. So, if I get anything wrong, that’s my feeble excuse. Please believe it. I only just learned that Randy Orton and Kane are having a match at Wrestlemania because Kane shook his hand once, months ago. I just thought Kane was a magnet for RKOs.

While Wrestlemania may be a sucker’s game, prone to over-analysis and disappointment, I am ready to play. So ready, in fact, that I’ve gone back through history to note that the event, as it (and I) have aged, has dropped its formerly charming taglines in favor of declarative statements that are both too descriptive and too hyperbolic. Wrestlemania III’s tagline, for example, was “Bigger! Badder! Better!” which was unequivocally true. The event was the best Wrestlemania to that point (and remained the best for awhile), set an indoor attendance record, and acted as a prototype for pretty much every Wrestlemania in the future. This Wrestlemania, for those of you who somehow don’t know that The Rock is facing John Cena in the main event, has been tagged as “Once in a Lifetime,” which may or may not be true. Wrestlemania 27, which was hosted by The Rock, was “The Biggest Wrestlemania Ever,” which it wasn’t. Wrestlemania 25 was “The 25th Anniversary of Wrestlemania” despite only being the 24th. These, my friends, do not compare to taglines like “What the World Has Come To” (WM II), “The MegaPowers Explode!” (WM V), “The Ultimate Challenge” (WM VI) “Heat!” (WM 13) or “Where it All Begins…Again” (WM XX), vague baubles of information that somehow served as a theme for the evening, as opposed to a bit of copy the show could never live up to.

If I were coming up with the tagline to this year’s show, I would have taken a hint from the WrestleManias whose themes came from specific matches, like “The Macho/Flair Affair” from XIII, only my tagline, somehow, covers every match on the card. This year’s Mania should be branded “The Cult of Insecurity,” as every match, from the pre-show tag team title bout to the main event between Cena and the Rock, has been about just that: Insecurity. This isn’t necessarily a factor in the show’s storylines (though in some instances, it very much is), but it’s there, haunting the show. Why else have the past four weeks featured mostly talk between the participants in the shows four main events? Why else would the only bit of physical interaction between John Cena and The Rock be their mutual show of strength on poor Mark Henry? Not that I don’t understand why the WWE would wait for a single punch to be thrown between the two of them until we’ve paid for it—this match, after all, has been built-up for over a year, and any kind of physical contact between the two could spoil their eventual confrontation—but there’s been no way to alleviate the awkward tension growing between the two, and, as demonstrated by this tastefully scored music video documenting the Steve Austin vs. The Rock feud leading into Wrestlemania X7, a bit of violence never hurt nobody’s buy rate:

All of the important stuff is there: How evenly matched the two are, how much each wants/needs to win, and, unsaid, how important the match is to the company. As for disrespect, both Austin and the Rock use each other’s respective finishing moves on one another, which is, all good wrestling fans know, taboo. The lead-in to Cena/Rock, by comparison, has been somewhat of a letdown for three reasons, two of which I’ll explain now: First, when the Rock was announced for WrestleMania 27 and when he said he was never leaving what he considered to be his home, I think we had a somewhat unreasonable expectation of The Rock that he’d give up the rather lucrative business of making movies that gross hundreds of millions of dollars in favor of having matches against Jack Swagger on SmackDown! The second reason, which has a lot to do with our utopian understanding of The Rock’s promise to never leave, is that we expected him to verbally emasculate John Cena on a weekly basis, so upsetting our stalwart Fruity Pebble that he’d be forced to get mean, lest the former Dr. of Thuganomics fall on his sword.

I don’t think any of us were ready for the realization that The Rock may have peaked around Wrestlemania 27, the nexus of his best Cena-related material, that Cena would actually stand his own against The Rock, that, in many instances, The Rock would actually look weak compared to Cena. Yes, it was a great moment when the Rock told Cena on Raw this past Monday that beating him meant that the Rock would own Wrestlemania victories over Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin, and Cena—three of the biggest draws of all time—but there’ve been so many missteps on the path to that statement that, at times, it’s seemed like The Rock wasn’t aware that he had a match. It’s gotten to the point where there are some audible “Rocky sucks” chants, and while the reaction to John Cena at last night’s Hall of Fame ceremony could be looked at as an omen of what the fans want, it’s really more of what Cena’s been receiving since 2007 in a venue designed to attract the company’s “knowledgeable” fanbase, the exact group that’s declared Cena persona non grata. The Rock continues to get an amazing reaction every time he comes out, but the way he does his thing and the way the crowd responds feels more like a sitcom or a well-rehearsed (in some cases poorly rehearsed) stand-up routine. His endless mea culpas to the fans, his pauses to smile and flex his inhuman musculature, his endless Twitter references—all of them lead me to believe that Dwayne Johnson is not comfortable in The Rock’s skin, and it’s exactly that kind of insecurity which has permeated the whole card, previews and predictions of which follow…

WWE Tag Team Championships: Primo and Epico (champions) vs. The Usos vs. Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel

In year’s past, the “pre-show” match would be taped as an exclusive addition to the WrestleMania DVD. This year, however, the match will be streamed live on YouTube and WWE.com, in the company’s effort to increase its visibility in the realm of social media. This is good for pretty much everybody involved, as The Usos and Primo and Epico are both great tag teams (though they are somewhat generic), Justin Gabriel is pretty good, and Tyson Kidd might be the most underrated wrestler in the world, capable of putting on a good match with anybody, on any given night. Given time (the match is slated to start at 6:30, a whole 30 minutes before the show properly gets underway), this could be a show-stealing bout, but it will also be emblematic of the WWE’s lack of faith in its tag team division, which was supposed to be headlined by the team of Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne. Were Evan Bourne not suspended and injured, it wouldn’t be a surprise to see this match on the main card. Instead, it features a team that formed on Thursday.

Granted, Kidd and Gabriel deserve the spotlight, but I don’t know if it says much about the titles that a duo who’ve yet to compete together already have a shot at the straps. Pragmatically, both men have reigns as Tag Team Champions under their belts, so I guess that gives them enough credibility, but they’ve got a few other tag teams who could have gone in this slot. If they gave more time to those tag teams to establish themselves as something more than a pair of similarly dressed men, perhaps there’d be no problems in the WWE Tag Team division. As it stands, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if this devolved into a battle royal, much like last year’s Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan tilt for the United States Championship.

WINNERS: The Usos.

Maria Menounos and Kelly Kelly vs. Eve Torres and Beth Phoenix

I love women’s wrestling, so it kind of pains me to know that Beth Phoenix will likely be pinned by the host of Extra, this despite months of WWE programming making it clear that no current WWE Diva can get the job done. Menounos, for what it’s worth, looked pretty good in her one wrestling match, and standing around talking about Hollywood gossip in front of a host of slack-jawed troglodytes has probably prepared her well for the stress of competing before a crowd that will likely top one million paying viewers. Despite that, I will not be able to get over the lack of Natalya in a non-farting capacity, nor the rumors that this was supposed to be Beth Phoenix vs. Kharma, who made a rather triumphant return at this year’s Royal Rumble.

I remain of the opinion that the WWE Diva’s division is three or four pieces away from being great, perhaps better than at any time in the company’s history. Until their recent effort to mine the independent scene hits the mother-lode of experienced, tremendously talented female competitors though, this is exactly the sort of Wrestlemania match the division will spawn. It’s too bad, though, as Eve has made noticeable strides in her ring-work of late and, now that she’s a heel, will probably drop the booty popping from her repertoire. Maybe Menounos’ broken rib will result in her being replaced by Kharma and the match won’t be an awkward celebrity showcase like Snookimania last year, but when it comes to the WWE Divas division I’ll always be living in the future, dreaming of the stuff they could be doing, trying to ignore what they actually promote.

WINNERS: Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos.

Randy Orton vs. Kane

Like I said earlier, I thought this match was happening because Kane was a magnet for RKOs. As it turns out, Kane once shook Orton’s hand and, now that he’s back and preaching to us the value of embracing hate, he intends to make up for that embarrassment by beating Orton. See? This Wrestlemania really is all about insecurity! As for Orton, he looks pretty listless out there, telling Kane that he already embraces hate, hitting him with RKOs every time the two are within ten feet of each other, but this is generally how Randy Orton’s feuds go. I continue to find it amazing that people cheer for a guy who tells them “My name is Randy Orton, and I will literally murder this man because I am not a good person,” before kicking his opponent in the head during this, the era of concussions, but hey, the fans make the wrestler, and who am I to argue with legions of folks in Orton’s knockoff Affliction gear?

WINNER: Randy Orton.

Team Johnny (David Otunga, Mark Henry, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, The Miz, and Drew McIntyre) vs. Team Teddy (Santino, Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Zack Ryder, The Great Khali, and Booker T)

If you would have told me a year ago that I’d be a fan of David Otunga in any capacity…man…I don’t know what I’d do. As a member of The Nexus and CM Punk & the New Nexus All-Stars, Otunga was too plain, too green, too inconsequential for my taste. I felt kind of bad for the guy when Jerry Lawler started dogging on him and Michael McGuillicutty for being the most boring champions in company history, but he kind of had a point, and Otunga wasn’t exactly doing anything to disprove Lawler’s claims. But then CM Punk’s career took off, leaving the New Nexus All-Stars with nowhere to go, and Otunga started bragging about his law degree. He started dressing like a ripped Pee Wee Herman. He started sipping from a travel coffee mug. He was the charismatic moon orbiting Johnny Ace, the unlikely star of the CM Punk/Triple H/Vince McMahon/Kevin Nash/Alberto Del Rio/John Cena/Rey Mysterio/The Miz craziness that followed Money in the Bank, Ace being the uncharismatic, unheralded former star (in Japan!) who smart fans (and more than a few company insiders) credit with ruining the WWE’s developmental system. Both have been a ton of fun to watch, and it’d be a shame to see either go.

This match, though…I’m torn on it. On one hand, I really dislike the whole Money in the Bank thing (not the idea of a guy having a title match good for whenever, but the match itself), and am glad that it will no longer be sullying Wrestlemania with its plethora of unneeded, dangerous spots. Just the same, we have a match featuring a team of four former WWE or World Heavyweight champions going against a team of comedy mid-carders and a semi-retired wrestler who currently calls SmackDown! Not that Long’s team isn’t talented, but Ace’s at least features a bunch of guys who’ve been bumping against the glass ceiling for a few years; Long’s continue starting and stopping just short of it.

If we want to talk insecurity, this bout features Zack Ryder, Kofi Kingston, Jack Swagger, R-Truth, Drew McIntyre, Mark Henry, and Dolph Ziggler, all guys who were marked for main event success sometime in the past two years. Mark Henry’s transformation from Sexual Chocolate to world-beater has been dramatic, but the poor guy got injured during his World Heavyweight Title reign and has been getting crushed by Cena and The Rock and Sheamus and Big Show and whoever needs to look impressive any given week. Ryder’s a self-made man, becoming popular due to a series of YouTube videos about how the WWE didn’t want to use him, which morphed into a series of videos about how the WWE didn’t use him despite how popular he was, which morphed into a series of videos about how great life is when the WWE uses you on a weekly basis. His role in the John Cena/Kane Rise Above Hate feud pretty much killed whatever Ryder had going for him among the set that made him popular, but he is still well-liked and has a freaking garden gnome, so the sky’s the limit for him. The rest of the teams feature dudes who’ve been given opportunities to cement themselves at the top of the card, but, for whatever reason, the ball continues to be taken away from them. Booker T’s inclusion is curious, but I suppose worthwhile. I suspect the line-up for this match was weakened by a plethora of injuries and future endeavorings—Long’s team would look better with John Morrison, Rey Mysterio, and Sin Cara (assuming Cara, at this point, got used to a WWE ring), and Ace’s, while stacked, could have used Christian and Alberto Del Rio.

I hope Johnny Ace’s team wins, though it’s hard to see how a team with feel-good faces Kingston, Santino, and Ryder could possibly lose. From a storyline standpoint, Ace has been bullied around by Long, who has just recently sown the fruits of being unfair to the roster’s heels. Long’s comeuppance would be a valuable lesson to the people who watch wrestling for its message of anti-bullying. Also, while Long has had a good, insanely long run as the GM of SmackDown, tag team matches aren’t really the company’s bag anymore, and with The Undertaker on such a one match a year deal, there aren’t many more matches ol’ peanut-head knows how to book.

WINNER: Team Johnny.

WWE Intercontinental Championship: Cody Rhodes (champion) vs. The Big Show

The focus of this feud has been The Big Show’s absolutely horrible Wrestlemania track record, with Cody Rhodes hoping that the World’s Largest Athlete is insecure (ha-ha!) enough about his failings there that he’ll be vulnerable to further embarrassment. I’ve actually enjoyed one of The Big Show’s Wrestlemania matches (against Floyd Mayweather), but Rhodes has a point and has been persistent with it, airing videos of The Big Show embarrassing himself, beating the guy up with giant, cherry-red boxing gloves, using his name as a euphemism for deification. If ever a man deserved to get beat in a wrestling match, it’s Rhodes, who has been the consummate doucheheel for the past two months. I can’t bring myself to be in Big Show’s corner though, as his response has been to continue smiling and laughing with the fans, yukking it up while Rhodes has his way with Show’s credibility. I wouldn’t be surprised if this match ends up being Big Show’s “Wrestlemania moment,” but Rhodes, who stole the show last year with Rey Mysterio, has been looking for an in-roads to the main event picture for pretty close to a year. My guess (and hope) is that this is his moment, and that this won’t be something The Big Show needs to be embarrassed about.

WINNER: Cody Rhodes.

World Heavyweight Championship: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan (champion)

At last year’s Wrestlemania, despite a physical build-up and a few good to very good matches between the two, the scheduled United States championship match was relegated to the pre-show. It then morphed mid-match into a battle royale that was won by The Great Khali. As if embarrassed by that turn of events, neither man has mentioned their prior history, instead going into Wrestlemania as unlikely Royal Rumble winner and unlikely champion, respectively, two parts of the match least likely to have not been made a triple threat title match featuring Randy Orton. I’m glad for it, though, as Daniel Bryan is my homeboy and Sheamus has constantly been a surprise since his somewhat lame WWE Championship run against John Cena, despite not coming up with an interesting good guy persona. This seems like a terrible waste, as Sheamus could have been the great defender here, sticking up for Daniel Bryan’s bullied girlfriend. After all, Sheamus often says that he was picked on for being short and fat—why not rescue poor AJ, who is being emotionally held hostage by the World Heavyweight Champion?

This feud, perhaps more than any other, has been noticeable due to its lack of physical confrontation between the combatants. The most meaningful interaction the two have had was Sheamus declaring his intent to face Byran at Wrestlemania. Since then, Sheamus has been kept in a holding pattern of short matches and lame jokes about Ireland. Daniel Bryan has, in turn, solidified himself as the WWE’s best heel, a modern, vegan Macho Man who uses his cunning, his wits, and his woman to offset the fact that he’s not as imposing as the vast majority of his opponents. His title reign has been a joy to behold, and his build going into this show has involved several awesome matches against CM Punk, but this feud hasn’t been much to write home about beyond Bryan’s continued dickery and AJ’s doe-eyed infatuation with her man:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F85EjlHgxr4

I have a sinking feeling that Bryan’s reign atop SmackDown! is at an end, as Sheamus has been on a massive roll since his summer feud against Mark Henry came to an end. It makes sense, though, as a Guerrero/Benoit style post-match embrace with fellow ROH alum/Best in the World CM Punk just isn’t going to happen. Maybe, when Sheamus has the title, he can finally point out how Bryan hasn’t exactly been a star to poor little AJ.

WINNER: Sheamus

WWE Championship: CM Punk (champion) vs. Chris Jericho

Insecurity: The Storyline! For the most part, this has been a great angle. Chris Jericho came back after those ominous end of the world promos, trolled the crowd, came up short at the Royal Rumble, and got to challenge CM Punk anyway. His motive was obvious to anybody paying attention to the work he did before his brief hiatus: As the guy who called himself “the best in the world at what he does,” it makes sense that he’d be pissed at a guy calling himself the best in the world.

Honestly, that’s all the feud needed. I would have purchased any pay per view with a Jericho/Punk tilt on it, and the Best in the World vs. Best in the World angle is one that looked to be building quite nicely through Jericho’s physical one-upmanship and his sneaky win over Punk in an excellent tag team match on Raw:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMVpDyZLdHg

Put Punk, despite those setbacks, appeared unflappable, as evidenced by this face-to-face confrontation between the two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMWGO1BDg7k

Cockiness is reasonable from a guy who ousted Vince McMahon from his position of power, but wrestlers can’t be nonchalant forever. If Jericho’s failings at the Rumble and the fact that he’d been away from wrestling for a year made him feel insecure, he was, in bringing up Punk’s family and their demons, looking to bring M Punk down to a similar level of uncertainty. Jericho is tremendous at lending his feuds a touch of the personal—see his feud against Shawn Michaels—and Punk’s reaction to Jericho’s claim that Punk’s father was an alcoholic—near wordlessness (save him yelling “bullshit!” from the WWE’s biggest loudmouth—was a good appropriation of Punk’s Ring of Honor feud against Raven.

That particular part of the program (your sister’s a junkie, your mom’s a slut!) has gotten a little old, but the match still has that Best in the World vs. Best in the World hook, still features two of my absolute favorite wrestlers, and now features a CM Punk who is fighting for something more than pride or championships, which is something he hasn’t been able to say since his triumph at Money in the Bank. Formerly the voice of the voiceless, Punk is now the only man capable of defending his family’s honor. He’s good at playing out his emotions in the ring, as is Jericho. This *should* be match of the night. I’m afraid that anything less than match of the year will be a letdown.

WINNER: CM Punk

Hell in a Cell Match; Shawn Michaels, Special Referee: The Undertaker vs. Triple H

It’s hard for me to take Triple H and Undertaker telling each other that they’re the last of their breed (wrestlers of the Attitude era, in case you haven’t caught on), when The Big Show, Kane, and Mark Henry are all wrestling on the same card and when The Rock has appeared on more WWE programming in the past year than The Undertaker in the year between this match and Undertaker vs. Triple H II. I wasn’t much for last year’s bout (and their match at X7 hasn’t aged particularly well), but the WWE keeps saying that it was an all-time classic and there are a ton of people who agree, or who are at least willing to pretend. The only way to top a match where the two guys hucked atomic bombs at one another for twenty minutes is, of course, to put the two under Hell in a Cell and add Shawn Michaels to the mix as special guest referee. I have to say, though, that it’s somewhat disappointing that Mick Foley wasn’t involved somehow, perhaps to give an in-depth interview on the subject of facing these men in such environs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UZ5w6KxXrs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIlc6tSfArA

The WWE is not nearly as barbaric as it was when the Micker was getting hurled from gigantic structures, and I highly doubt anything nearly as crazy will happen here. The addition of Shawn Michaels (who was also involved in a more limited capacity last year) is what adds the match’s truly interesting wrinkly, as Triple H only took this match after Undertaker insinuated that Shawn was the better of the two. On the other side of insecurity, check the Undertaker’s hair when he makes his grand return: It’s glued to the brim of his hat.

This was such a good illusion that the next week, in a video package, they had The Undertaker shave his hair off. Since then, he’s been wearing a hood that he won’t take off under any circumstances. When that hood finally comes down tonight, it’d better look like Quato is sticking out from the back of Undi’s head. What’s a little baldness to the Lord of Darkness?

The match itself will be interesting. It could be great or could be terrible (but overrated); there is no middle ground. With any luck, Michaels’ inclusion will make it a little like Bret Hart vs. The Undertaker, from Summerslam 1997. There, Michaels, who had a deep hatred of the anti-American Hart, accidentally hit Undertaker with a chair, giving Hart the Michaels-counted pinfall. Not only did this lead to the Montreal Screwjob a few months later, but it served as the starting point for the Michaels/Taker feud that introduced us to Kane, led to the formation of D-Generation X, and, oh yeah, resulted in the first ever Hell in a Cell match, between Michaels and Undertaker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71zbMGS3YQs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHhAzB0DQMQ

Beyond that, hopefully the match will be reminiscent of the pair’s better Hell in a Cell history—more Undertaker/Brock Lesnar than Undertaker/Kane, more Triple H/Chris Jericho than DX/McMahons. The cell may force the match to be more restrained than either 27’s endless, structureless brawl or X7’s arena-roaming slapstick, which is for the best. All of that being said, I’m really hoping that Michaels comes out of retirement in the aftermath of this match and puts Taker’s streak to bed next year. Guess how disappointed I’ll be on Monday!

WINNER: The Undertaker.

John Cena vs. The Rock

More than any other match on the card, The Rock and John Cena’s “once in a lifetime” encounter has been touched by insecurity. Surprisingly, the man who has seemed most uncomfortable throughout this whole affair has been The Rock, who has, at times, looked downright flustered in his quest to stick as many objects as humanly possible up John Cena’s ass. If there’s something the true build to this match has exposed, it’s that The Rock simply doesn’t fit with the WWE anymore, no matter how much the fans want him to. He’s certainly too big to be booed en masse, but, as I mentioned 4,000 words ago, there’ve been audible “Rocky sucks” chants from the same “adults” who so hate John Cena that they once rabidly cheered for a heel Great Khali.

Before Raw on Monday, the Rock never made it clear that he really knew he was in a match with John Cena, let alone that he wanted to win the thing. He’s vacillated back and forth between being Dwayne Johnson and The Rock, finally (and disappointingly) settling on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, an odd hybrid of the two—somewhat humble man with one sentence, cocky man-of-a-thousand-catchphrases the next. You can tell he’s humble because he talks about his love of the WWE and no longer speaks in the third person. Cena has made it clear for a year now that he needs to beat The Rock, that his position as the face of the WWE means nothing if he can’t beat a dude who skipped town to star in The Tooth Fairy. He’s also made it clear that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is neither the man he requested, nor the guy the WWE Universe deserves to see. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, to be blunt, kinda sucks.

Looking back on the past few months, it’s really hard to dispute any of Cena’s claims. Yup, Dwayne Johnson is sometimes, momentarily in The Rock mode, saying funny things about or to John Cena, but it seems like he peaked before Wrestlemania 27, a whole year ago, when he dropped Fruity Pebbles on the world and made it clear that he didn’t like or respect the new face of the company:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=143C-uWoN5E

Since Wrestlemania 27, however, which was mostly derailed by The Rock’s presence (the very thing that was supposed to save the show, ironically), the list of things that The Rock has done makes Cena look, on paper, to be invincible. In a world ruled by logic, the fans would be chanting “Die Rocky Die” and buying more Cena merchandise than ever given The Rock’s need to write notes on his wrist, the creative bankruptcy of a phrase like “kung pao bitch,” awkward Photoshop promos that make it seem like The Rock doesn’t know where the hell he is or what he’s doing, and his abject failure…at karaoke.

Written there: "Kung Pao Bitch." I wish I were joking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgamifC6XaI&t=13m0s

Sure, there’s been a lot of tension between Rock and Cena, but most of it has been in a “will or won’t the Rock show up” sort of way, which has been mostly uninteresting. I don’t care which millionaire loves the WWE more, who works harder, or who matters more to the legacy of the company. To go back to the Austin/Rock video way back at the beginning of this article and a point that I’ve already made: Those things were a part of what made the greatest feud in WWE history so great. They were also mostly unsaid between the two men. They were simply competitors with beef who fought and sweat and bled to prove the other man inferior. They wanted to beat each other; everything else was implied. That is simple, effective storytelling.

I can’t claim to know a damn thing about the innermost workings of the WWE, so it’s possible that this has all been an elaborate ruse and the Rock has been going half-speed on purpose, wasting whole Raws on his birthday and exuding insecurity by thanking the crowd for being there and bragging about fucking Cena’s mom not because he feels out of place, but more because he’s…acting. The story that’s emerged from this, even if it’s an intricate, nuanced fiction, is one that’s convoluted, one that makes me hope that this match is, indeed, a once in a lifetime affair. I love The Rock and I like John Cena (though, in The Rock’s eyes, that makes me a sad virgin) and I have little doubt that the two will have a match worth remembering and worth talking about for a long time, but I can’t believe that any storyline involving The Rock would make me wish that he’d just get tired and leave already, nor could I think of any angle involving him that, before tonight, would make me think that bringing him back was a creative mistake from the start.

WINNER: John Cena.

And now, for the cheesiest, best Wrestlemania theme songs of all time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vr9fdFz4qY

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen: Stars ga-la, stars galore, that’s what Wrestlemania has in-store.

April 1, 2012