Tag: Xavier Woods

Wrestling Review: WWE Raw 5/25/15
I know, I know. I haven’t reviewed an episode of Raw since February. In truth, I just haven’t watched that much wrestling since the build into and great release of WrestleMania. I can’t afford the indies like I used to, and beyond NXT and Lucha Underground, everything I watch (even New Japan Pro-Wrestling) seems content to remain in a post-big show holding pattern that isn’t going to cure me of the fact that, for whatever reason, I’m just flat burnt out on the stuff. World Wrestling Entertainment’s main programming has been stuck in this holding pattern since Survivor Series, for whatever that’s worth, and, heading into this Sunday’s surprise Elimination Chamber special, the company is only capable of manufacturing one or two moments or matches that pique my interest. This Sunday, that match is Kevin Owens vs. John Cena, a dude I stumped hard for when he was on the independents against a guy who I think ranks among the all-time greatest. So, wearily, I turned on Raw to see how that program would build, and was greeted by the WWE roster reciting a speech by Ronald Reagan, who is this (and every) year’s hot president for Vince McMahon, beacon not only of that shining city on a hill, but for the last time McMahon’s now incredibly dated concept of narrative storytelling worked without anybody wondering why nobody on his staff had the guts to tell him “no.”

In a month, it’ll have been four years since C.M. Punk dropped his famous “pipe bomb” promo, the worked shoot where he went off on John Cena and Vince McMahon and Triple H and anybody else he perceived as having held him back despite being the best in the ring, on the microphone, and so on. This ushered in what Grantland‘s The Masked Man dubbed “The Reality Era,” but that’s never really panned out. If anything, what Punk’s sudden ascent marked was the beginning of WWE’s Indie Era, which, like the much maligned WWF New Generation era that launched with the departure of Hulk Hogan in 1993, has had its share of ups and downs. At no other point in wrestling history was it possible for someone like CM Punk to become a star on mainstream television, or Daniel Bryan, or Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose, or, if the Internet has its way, Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens. All of these wrestlers had careers, great careers, before they came to World Wrestling Entertainment, but the fact that they don’t exactly build wrestlers like Hulk Hogan anymore means that it’s possible for somebody who used to toil in an Indiana barn for a bunch of hillbillies who paid $10 to see some blood to rub elbows with Jon Stewart or main event a WrestleMania despite the clear wishes of those writing the show. Punk has, obviously, since left wrestling, disgruntled to the point that he’d rather get wrecked in the UFC and write comic books. Daniel Bryan, who will go down as the biggest success story of the Indie Era, has injured his neck to the extent that he probably shouldn’t wrestle again. NXT is currently a warehouse for former indie darlings to keep wrestling while waiting for a call-up to the main roster, a WWE-built alternative to WWE that, giving credit where credit is due, has largely convinced folks that the WWE, finally, is on the road to something that looks like real, substantive change. That, or everybody is so pleased with NXT that they actively hope that their favorites won’t get the call, because the main roster might take a good thing like Kevin Owens and ruin him.

Those fears are perhaps unfounded, as Owens is showing up on Raw in basketball shorts destroying Cena with his wicked pop-up powerbomb like he’s not a 15-time WWE Champion, but, then again, looking at Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose as they head into a WWE Championship match at Elimination Chamber, perhaps not. This Raw was booked around that match, made unofficial last week when Ambrose threatened to crush Rollins’ head on a pile of cinderblocks—a nice callback to last year’s goofy angle that took the beyond-hot Ambrose out of action for a few months so he could film a movie nobody is going to see. The Authority, which, by now, is Rollins and a bunch of old dudes in suits, opened the show by giving Ambrose the evening to put his name on a contract to make the match official, first inviting him to an obvious ambush (spoiled by Ambrose’s running buddy Roman Reigns), then conspiring to have him arrested for accidentally assaulting a camera man. With Ambrose in jail, all Raw had to do was kill time until the end of the night, when he would obviously be freed and sign the contract. Saved at the last minute by a WWE staff member uploading a video to YouTube (reality!), Ambrose either stole or was allowed to borrow an NYPD van and officer’s uniform, whereupon he returned triumphant to the Nassau Colosseum to rescue Reigns and ink his name on the contract. It was an angle straight out of the Attitude Era, Stone Cold Steve Austin commandeering a zamboni or a beer truck or his own skull-festooned pick-up to ruin Vince McMahon’s night, but the Austin character (and the McMahon one, for that matter) was able to command “reality” in a way the Ambrose one isn’t, or isn’t allowed to. Of all the ex-Shield members, Dean Ambrose has unquestionably been the worst-written since that unit’s dissolution last year, but he’s the one that fans have most latched on to. He’s teflon-coated, whether he’s rolling a hot dog cart to the ring or threatening to make J&J Security work barefooted, like Hobbits. His continued popularity is a testament to the sort of connection that WWE’s indie-bred stars are able to foster with an audience that likely isn’t aware that indie wrestling exists, but it’s a complete mystery to me after a year of goofy, go-nowhere promos that are way too light on the fact that his ex-friend Seth Rollins tried to end his career once.

That said, assuming the goofy garbage of a marquee Dean Ambrose match is left to the side, the in-ring quality of this Sunday’s match will be hard for anything else on the card to live up to. In Raw‘s opening contest, a tag match that saw Ambrose joined by Reigns and Rollins by Kane, the two brought a lot of flash to the now beyond-tired Roman Reigns vs. Kane formula, going so far as to exchange the signature moves of Kazuchika Okada and Hiroshi Tanahashi, two of New Japan Pro Wrestling’s ace performers who are also, more often than not, rivals. And that Ambrose won the match with a backslide and not his finishing maneuver or through disqualification suggests that his match against Rollins, however uninspired Raw‘s storyline was, won’t just be a throwaway title defense on a show otherwise devoted to Cena vs. Owens and the titular Elimination Chamber match.

Given the decidedly low-stakes of both Chamber matches, that’s good. I’m generally not a fan of WWE booking pay-per-views around specific match genres beyond the Royal Rumble—in a medium that requires the occasional bit of surprise spectacle, calling an event Hell in a Cell and giving us three Hell in a Cell matches on it robs us of both—and the return of the Elimination Chamber for a Tag Team Title match and to decide the once-again vacant Intercontinental Championship only reveals how weak the tag team division is beyond the champions and their primary challengers, and how low the current writer’s rooms energies are ebbing. The Intercontinental Championship was just decided in a multi-man ladder match at WrestleMania, and, with June’s Money in the Bank approaching, yet another multi-man ladder match, likely involving a fair number of the men featured in the Elimination Chamber, will take center stage. Thus the build for the Chamber isn’t on the danger of the match itself or the struggle to get into the match, but on the fallout of the John Cena vs. Rusev I Quit match from this month’s Payback, which saw Lana throw in the towel for her man when she heard him say “I quit” in his mother tongue. Their promo on Raw was half-amazing, half-train-wreck, a pile-up of cold war and sitcom marriage cliches largely sold by the fact that Rusev is one of wrestling’s more engaging characters on the microphone, and Lana a rare great managerial presence whose character, sadly, will not work with anybody but her now former charge. Once Rusev convinces Lana to come to the ring, he starts plying her with rhetoric so pig-headed that even the crowd knows they’re watching something sexist, saying that Lana clearly just wants Rusev’s attention, and that he is ready to give it to her. In what is unquestionably the best thing said on WWE TV since Nikki Bella said she wished her sister died in the womb, Rusev tells Lana “I know you want to crush America and the American spirit just as bad as I,” and he means it. The two embrace, and, just as I’m starting to get misty-eyed for this pair of crazy kids, Rusev asks Lana to admit that she was wrong. This, obviously, she does not do. Rusev goes off, saying that he’s done being nice and that, well, he owns Lana. Lana has none of this, says “I am no longer your victim,” and leaves. Here’s the thing. World Wrestling Entertainment has set the bar so low for female characters that this isn’t just a step in the right direction, it’s Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. But then Lana leaves the ring and makes out with Dolph Ziggler to “get back” at Rusev, and that fantasy is over right quick because it’s 2015 and women on Raw can only be defined by how much they hate other women (see every Diva’s Championship feud, including the current issue between Paige, Naomi, and the Bella Twins), or their relationship with a man. The small blessing here is that Rusev would later return fire by beating Ziggler up in front of Lana, putting him in the Accolade while screaming “KISS HIM NOW!” That ruled.

Raw didn’t cure what ails me when it comes to professional wrestling, and, in truth, I’m not sure Elimination Chamber will, either. I know that NXT is out there tearing it up (and yes, Unstoppable was another impressive live special from that crew), and my beloved indies soldier on though I am currently unable to pay for them. WWE thrives because it is the easiest wrestling program to access, and ease-of-access breeds complacency. For too long now, it feels like there’s been talk of “grabbing the brass ring” and little actual follow-through. Owens changes that, maybe, but then again, maybe not. His fellow NXT alum Neville is currently wrestling good-to-great matches on the main roster in near-silence because some idiot decided to call him “The New Sensation” instead of just letting him grow organically. Too much of Raw feels perfunctory, there in hopes that a familiar face or move will get the live crowd to pop, and, as such, it feels like I’m watching the most talented wrestlers in the world do battle in a pool of molasses. It’s gotten to the point that John Cena’s usual pandering to the WWE Universe now includes a caveat that it may, in fact, be time for something new. He was talking about the “LET’S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS” chant finally giving way to a name his detractors could believe in, but I’m not sure the solution is as drastic as having Kevin Owens come in and destroy an already barren planet. Nah. If the roster were doing half as much as Zack Ryder did in his match against John Cena, pushing his envelope way beyond what any reasonable person expected of him because he was wrestling his last match in the arena where he learned to love wrestling, we’d be doing just fine. Sure, Ryder ate shit on his 450 splash, but I’d rather watch a beautiful failure than a wrestling promotion in cruise control.

from Wrestling Giffer

WWE RAW 5/25/15 – Long Island, New York
1. Dean Ambrose & Roman Reigns def. Seth Rollins & Kane via pinfall. GRADE: B
2. Rusev def. R-Truth via submssion. GRADE: N/A
3. Ryback def. Wade Barrett via pinfall. GRADE: B-
4. Neville def. Stardust via pinfall. GRADE: C
5. Dolph Ziggler def. Sheamus via pinfall. GRADE: C+
6. UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: John Cena (champion) def. Zack Ryder via pinfall. GRADE: B
7. Tamina def. Paige via pinfall. GRADE: D
8. 10 VS. 3 HANDICAP MATCH: The New Day def. Tyson Kidd & Cesaro, The Ascension, Los Matadores, The Prime Time Players, and the Lucha Dragons via disqualification. GRADE: N/A
May 26, 2015
Wrestling Review: WWE Raw (2/16/15)
Quietly, the WWE has done a very good job of building up to Fastlane, which they’re billing as a “new pay-per-view concept” though, really, it’s just a regular pay-per-view without the usual February Elimination Chamber main event. The lack of a Chamber match, I think, is the reason why Fastlane is so compelling. The WWE calendar is littered with pay-per-views that are branded by one kind of match or another that the matches themselves, no matter how violent or how good, feel more inevitable than special. Without the crutch of putting six guys in a goofy chain-and-plexiglass rig with the absent WWE Championship on the line, instead what we have is the supposed fast lane on the road to WrestleMania. Considering how slow that road has felt thus far, having a date on the calendar where everything will supposedly get back in gear feels like a blessing. “Quietly” in this case also means “glacially,” especially compared to the stretch between last year’s Royal Rumble and WrestleMania, when nearly every Raw had a standout match or segment. Raw will need to pick up the pace sooner rather than later, but, as the last show before a pay-per-view that looks, on paper, like the strongest card since SummerSlam, the WWE does a good enough job of getting everybody in place.

That includes Rusev, who gets trucked by John Cena in the opening segment. This is not the first time a foreign monster has charged the 15-time WWE Champion with losing a step before Cena Rises Above Hate and proves him wrong. I doubt it will be the last. Since the beginning, it seemed like the endgame for Rusev was going to be a loss to John Cena, who, quite honestly, is going through the motions at the start of Raw. Every John Cena promo from 2007 forward is thrown in the blender. Cena loves the WWE. He loves when fans cheer him. He loves when fans boo him. He hates that there is a monster out there who isn’t from America and who can’t be beaten, and he promises to destroy him. This brings out Rusev and Lana, who are, really, a politicized make-over of the old Armando Estrada/Umaga pairing from 2008, an act that has risen above cartoon parody to become one of the most enjoyable aspects of a show that is frequently hard to enjoy. Lana in particular continues to evolve, relying less and less on the merits of Vladimir Putin and the Raw audience’s hatred of being told to shut up (by a lady who ain’t from here to boot!) and more on the merits of her freakish charge, who I also enjoy on the microphone. Rusev is a blunt object used to smash the opposition, a warhammer who only knows how to kill. John Cena’s gambit is that bringing Rusev down relies on taking the fight to him, which he does by charging up the ramp and hurling the burly Bulgarian into a panel of LED lights. Beyond some shoddy camerawork (really, why would you zoom in and out on bodies in motion?), the physicality of Cena vs. Rusev was quite satisfying. Cena proved his point about his strategy, but wrestling matches don’t work like street fights. Whether or not his plan will work when a referee calls for the bell is the story now, and it’s a good one. Rusev’s mystique isn’t compromised unless he’s pinned or he taps out to the STF. Only an idiot would pull the trigger on that at Fastlane.

The rest of Fastlane‘s undercard was built solidly here, as well, with the exception of the upcoming match between Paige and Nikki Bella. That should be a good match (Nikki Bella is easily the most improved wrestler on the main roster over the past year), but its plot is stuck in the muck and mire of the past ten years of the Diva’s division. It was actually somewhat brilliant when the Bella Twins attacked Paige and spraytanned her, as Paige had been clinging to the frankly stupid notion that simply not looking like a model made her better than all the other Divas. But now we’re in the usual Bella Twin holding pattern where they’re “pranking” (read: assaulting or stealing from) Paige in a variety of ways designed to brag that they look better than her. This week, they steal Paige’s clothes, which forces her to wrestle a match against Summer Rae while dressed in a Rosebud’s clothes. Considering that Paige kills Summer Rae handily, it hardly matters. Women have also factored into the Tag Team Championship storyline between The Usos and Tyson Kidd and Cesaro, as a blown double date between Kidd and Jimmy Uso and their respective wives Natalya and Naomi (sample line: “I’m here trying to respect this dinner”) led to a husband and wife mixed tag team match. The mainstream format of such matches is really dated, but Kidd’s unwillingness to wrestle Uso leads to three good minutes between Natalya and Naomi. Naomi, as is standard in non-title Divas division matches, wins with a roll up, allowing The Usos to celebrate that they got one over on their rivals while continuing to build on the will-they-or-won’t-they saga that is the relationship between Kidd and Natalya. Right now, it wouldn’t be at all surprising if Kidd left Nattie and got an apartment uptown with his buddy Cesaro, but I’m probably just authoring mental slash-fiction. Probably. The tag team division has been a long-running quagmire, but the Usos vs. Kidd and Cesaro match looks enticing, and the Prime Time Players reunited when Titus O’Neil stormed to the ring to help his returning buddy Darren Young escape a whooping at the hands of The Ascension. With the Miz/Mizdow team slowly breaking up, The New Day entrenched in the wasteland that is their racist gimmick, and tonight’s official dissolution of the Rhodes Brothers/Stardust and Goldust, a full-time return of the Prime Time Players, who always seemed on the verge of making some noise in the division, is a good thing.

Speaking of Stardust and Goldust, this Raw, like most, was built around promos. There was John Cena’s opening promo, Triple H’s Ric Flair-assisted promo about a confrontation (read: promo) with Sting at Fastlane, and the promise of Dusty Rhodes addressing the problems between his sons (not to mention the usual Seth Rollins interview). Only Dusty didn’t speak much and, of all the interviews, tonight, the one that most stole the show was Stardust’s declaration that Cody Rhodes was dead and never coming back. Dusty Rhodes’ are shoes no man can fill, but Stardust stood there, painted purple and silver and wearing a rubber suit, and delivered fire right in his father’s face. Stardust has, to this point, felt like a needless, pandering rip-off of Goldust, which was unfortunate given their role in the early iteration of the Authority storyline, but on Raw Stardust was given a purpose and a mission. It’s obviously impossible to separate the character from the Rhodes lineage, but it’s good heel motivation coming out of a brother/brother tag team, and this all should culminate in the Rhodes vs. Rhodes match that Goldust has been rather open about wanting to retire on.

Dusty looked (and is) old, but still acquits himself rather well. That’s less true of his lifetime rival Ric Flair, who surprised Triple H mid-speech to remind him that Sting, ancient old man or not, is still Sting and needs to be respected. Flair sounded drunk, but getting drunk and talking about his glory days is pretty much his job now, so he did well enough that Triple H shoving him on his ass felt sad because The Game was disrespecting a legend he openly admires, not because Flair’s condition continues to darken his legacy. Fallout from Sting’s debut at Survivor Series continues to be the theme heading into Fastlane, as Dolph Ziggler and Seth Rollins seem to be moving into a singles program. Rollins’ promo, unnecessary though it was, signaled that he is being shifted away from the WWE Championship for the time being to focus on the Zigglers, Rybacks, and Rowans of the card. Ziggler continues to be an unconvincing babyface on the microphone, (I’m not interested in white meat, I guess) but an incredible one in the ring. The match between Rollins and Ziggler was good. Not up to the pace they established at Survivor Series, but a good teaser for what the two should be able to do without distraction. They’ll wrestle on SmackDown! in this week’s Raw rematch, though another contest at Fastlane (and perhaps another at WrestleMania) isn’t out of the question.

Beyond Rollins/Ziggler and the main event between Big Show and Daniel Bryan, most of the wrestling on Raw this week as an afterthought. Even a singles match between Dean Ambrose and Luke Harper, while solid, existed more to set-up a later contest than to tell its own story. There were plenty of good spots, but Harper is wandering aimlessly at the moment, and WWE doesn’t do a very good job of protecting big dudes who aren’t in an active storyline. Harper lost clean to Ambrose to establish Ambrose’s credentials against current Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett, who beat Damien Mizdow in a match that nudged forward the issue between Mizdow and The Miz. Barrett was fantastic when Ambrose ziptied him to the ringpost and forced him to sign the contract, screaming for a knife to cut himself free and how it wasn’t his signature on the sheet and that the contract wasn’t legal. Had they cut bait on a weird skit where Ambrose “auditioned for Weekend Update,” announcing that he’d make Barrett sign the contract, everything on this front would have been great. Barrett is an effective heel, and, well, if Ambrose is going to be a goofy dude whose popularity the writing team doesn’t understand or know how to harness, he’s best when his goofiness is channeled through a bit of menace, rather than a bad suit. The Intercontinental Championship is always on the verge of meaning something. What matters more than Barrett vs. Ambrose at Fastlane is whether or not the issue continues to build, or if the title reverts to its usual miserable pattern, where the champion loses every non-title match until he is required to defend the title.

The confrontation that will set up Sting vs. Triple H at WrestleMania is an important part of Fastlane. Bray Wyatt’s continued promos that are (vaguely) about The Undertaker (this week he hammered some nails into a coffin) continue to be important. Those are two of the marquee matches at WrestleMania. They are happening. There is no turning back. Less certain is the fate of the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, currently held by Brock Lesnar. He’ll be there, defending, but his opponent is yet to be decided. Roman Reigns earned a shot by virtue of winning the Royal Rumble. Daniel Bryan feels that he deserves one because he was stripped of the championship in 2014 without having lost it and, as he points out, made only one fewer defense of the championship. Reigns wrestled Kane and Bryan wrestled Big Show, but the matches and results were secondary to the simmering issue between the two men, which threatens to boil over into something personal in the main event of Fastlane. After an interview where Reigns questioned the manhood of Bryan for going about a championship match by asking for one instead of earning it, Bryan came to ringside for Reigns match and participated on commentary, where he did a very good job of making clear how slighted he felt by Reigns’ assessment of the situation. He thought there was mutual respect between the two, but there clearly wasn’t. When Reigns had an advantage over Kane, Bryan would stand and lead the Orlando crowd in a YES! chant, which succeeded in distracting his man. Reigns won the match, but not in his usual dominant fashion, and Bryan would later say that, if he wants to beat him, Reigns had better get used to the crowd being in Daniel Bryan’s pocket. During the main event match between Big Show and Bryan, Reigns sat at ringside and watched (he didn’t join the commentary team, for good reason). Reigns took to the crowd, signing autographs and giving away t-shirts, and this caused Daniel Bryan no end of distraction. An exchange near the announce table led Big Show to spear Reigns, who would recover and hit Show with the Superman Punch with Daniel Bryan perched on the top rope for a missile dropkick. With the match over, Bryan would instead hit Reigns with the dropkick, sparking a brawl that closed the show.

This sequence was fantastic, a sprint around the ring and through the crowd that ended in a pull-apart with Reigns bleeding from the mouth and Bryan seething. Initially it looked as though they were going to do with Roman Reigns what they did with Batista last year, turning the hand-chosen WrestleMania main event guy into a heel due to the overwhelming popularity of Daniel Bryan, but this year is much more vague than last. Batista was universally despised from the moment it was clear that Daniel Bryan was not in the Royal Rumble, but Reigns plays pretty well in all but the hottest towns in wrestling. And where Batista had little reason to respect Bryan, Reigns has some respect for the former champion, not only for his in-ring accomplishments and what history they had together when The Shield clashed with Team Hell No, but for his resilience in the face of a career ending injury. But both men want to fight Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania, and it doesn’t look like there will be an opening for a third man in the main event, so that respect had to give way towards animosity with so much on the line. Daniel Bryan is a master at his craft, so the reemergence of his pre-rise mean streak has been subtle and brilliant. The wrinkle that they’ve added to Reigns’ story, that he’s trying to accomplish something not even the most legendary member of his family could achieve, is the most compelling angle Reigns has had since The Shield folded, and has managed to find some interesting space here, too (the t-shirts he was throwing to the crowd were Uso shirts, after all). What initially seemed like a capitulation on the part of WWE in the face of post-Royal Rumble fan revolt has turned into their best story since the SummerSlam domination of John Cena. The match at Fastlane will be telling in Reigns’ ability to become what the WWE so obviously wants him to be, but for now, the table is set. Sunday night will be an interesting one for a number of reasons, none moreso than this. For the WWE to pull itself out of the rut it has so clearly been stuck in since September, Fastlane is going to need to be that rare February pay-per-view that’s more about wrestling than WrestleMania. For once, the uncertainty surrounding a pay-per-view event feels like a good omen.

Results
1. Dean Ambrose def. Luke Harper via pinfall. GRADE: B-
2. The New Day (Kofi Kingston & Xavier Woods w/Big E) def. Goldust and Stardust via pinfall. GRADE: C+
3. Roman Reigns def. Kane via count out. GRADE: C
4. Paige def. Summer Rae via pinfall. GRADE: C-
5. Dolph Zigger def. Seth Rollins via disqualification when J&J Security interfered. GRADE: B
6. Darren Young & Local Talent vs. The Ascension never officially started. GRADE: N/A
7. Bad News Barrett def. Damien Mizdow (w/The Miz) via pinfall. GRADE: C
8. Jimmy Uso & Naomi (w/Jey Uso) def. Tyson Kidd & Natalya (w/Cesaro) via pinfall. GRADE: C+
9. The Big Show def. Daniel Bryan via disqualification when Roman Reigns interfered. GRADE: B-
February 17, 2015
Wrestling Review: WWE Raw (12/1/14)
First, CM Punk on The Art of Wrestling. Somebody sent me a question through Date with a Wrestler asking what I thought of Punk and his position on the WWE. I may or may not write a more robust post on this later, but here’s some brief thoughts:
1. All I want for any wrestler is to get out on their own terms and to be happy with their decisions. It seems thats what CM Punk did. Good for him.
2. I never had an issue with him leaving. He is, indeed, an independent contractor, free to “take his ball home” if and when he so chooses. He’s not harming anybody through his decision to not wrestle. If anything, it seems like he would have been harming himself were he to continue under conditions that made him unhappy and were dangerous to his health.
3. If anything comes out of this (and, sadly, it won’t be a union), I hope it’s that WWE starts to treat the health of its wrestlers as something more than an obstacle to be overcome for the sake of the next segment. The stuff that they did in the wake of the Chris Benoit murder/suicide was nice on a public relations front, but if all you’re worrying about is public relations, something is going to come along and submarine whatever minuscule changes you’ve made to get the public off your back. Fix it now. Hire better doctors. Don’t pressure people back into the ring before they’re ready. Give the people who actually make you money comprehensive health insurance. Treat your workers like they’re members of the family you claim they’re a part of.
I may also eventually get around to Vince McMahon’s (non-) rebuttal on the WWE Network, where he walked around on eggshells and said that he wanted to work with CM Punk again in the future. I suspect that, had he listened to The Art of Wrestling, he may have been less forgiving. I’m also really, really interested in McMahon’s take on Cesaro’s position on the card, given that you could argue he was the second hottest wrestler in the world after Daniel Bryan before, during, and the day after WrestleMania. His lack of success since probably has more to do with the direction the writers pushed his character in than the fact that he’s Swiss. But we’ve got an overly long wrestling show to cover, featuring the return of the most derided authority figure in the history of that singularly awful trope, so let’s get to it.

BEFORE THE SHOW:
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The show starts out on a sour note immediately, with Michael Cole receiving an e-mail from the Anonymous Raw General Manager. Nothing could be more exciting at the start of a wrestling show than watching Michael Cole read text off of an aggressively hideous laptop. Nothing could be further from the truth than that last sentence. The Anonymous Raw General Manager says that he should be back in charge because he’s respected industry-wide and doesn’t have a name or a face, but before he can make his matches for the night, John Cena hits the ring. Tulsa loves the guy. There’s a dude in a cameo cowboy hat and Steve Austin shirt doing loud, monster truck rally, C’MON LET US HEAR YOU whistles, and he’s in his mid-40s at least, which serves to illustrate that, when it comes to wrestling, it doesn’t matter what the gigantic cities want. It’s all about Real America, and zero people are as Real America as John Cena.

John Cena isn’t happy to see the Anonymous General Manager back in action. But he is happy with his team from Survivor Series. Still. Even though it’s been a week. Cena is going to tell us why he’s proud of his team, which is unnecessary because Survivor Series is already a distant memory, but the General Manager sends another e-mail. Cena backs Michael Cole away from the laptop and partially closes its cover. His team’s victory was too important to be handed over to a machine. But now it’s Seth Rollins’ time to interrupt John Cena. He compliments John Cena on his many talents. One of them is taking credit for things he didn’t do. Like with the match at Survivor Series. This is a good point. Rollins, in fact, eliminated Cena from the match, and probably would have won were it not for (the man called) Sting. Cena reminds Rollins that Dolph Ziggler almost beat The Authority on his own, and that he would have done it, too, were it not for Triple H. Cena is here to give credit where credit is due. But Seth Rollins isn’t here to recount history; he wants to know if WWE is better off without The Authority. The crowd seems to think so. Rollins tries to name some GMs who might be worse than the Anonymous Raw General Manager, and boy does he flounder. JBL gets a pop. Batista gets a meh. Eric Bischoff gets a moderate pop. We’re living in chaos, he says, only we’re not because that’s not how wrestling works. If they made an effort to promote that WWE shows were a chaotic wasteland without Triple H and The Authority at the helm, then maybe this would make sense. But Team Cena vs. Team Authority changed nothing. Raw is still Raw, and that’s all it is. I remember, not too long ago, when Raw GM William Regal shut the cameras off 15 minutes early and smash-cut to a rerun of Law and Order. That’s the sort of chaos that might make this angle work, but instead we’ve been treated to two weeks of philosophical debate between two dudes who need to shut the hell up and fight already. Cena’s not bringing The Authority back, Jack, so whatever.

Cena talks over the Anonymous Raw General Manager’s instant message noise, but Michael Cole can’t ignore its siren song. The GM books a Tables Match between Rollins and Cena, the worst possible goddamn match ever. If Cena loses at TLC, he’ll lose his number one contendership to Brock Lesnar’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship. This gets Cena salty, and the distraction provided by Cole’s reading an e-mail allows Rollins to attack. But Cena fights back quickly, taking Rollins and his security out before Kane enters the ring and hits him with a chokeslam. Rollins goes under the ring for a table, because it’s a metaphor, goddamn it. Ryback sprints to the ring and saves Cena, hitting all of the bad guys with his signature moves. But Kane recovers and starts hitting Ryback with a chair. This, too, is a metaphor, as he’ll be taking Ryback on in a Chairs Match, which is also awful. Erick Rowan hits the ring now and clears it, only to be attacked by The Big Show. He picks up the ring steps and smashes Rowan in the face with it. Dolph Ziggler rushes the ring and takes Big Show out, then tries to put a ladder in the ring. This is also a metaphor, as Luke Harper takes Ziggler out and the two will have a Ladder Match at TLC (which might be good. You never know). Cena tries to fight everybody off, but he can’t. Rollins and his security team put Cena through a table with The Shield’s old triple-powerbomb finisher. This. Took. Twenty-one. Minutes.

Back from break, John Cena is seen stumbling to the back as WWE doctors check on he and his team. The Anonymous Raw General Manager doesn’t care about the health and safety of his employees, and has thus booked two matches: Rowan vs. Big Show, and Ziggler/Cena/Ryback vs. Rollins/Harper/Kane. Oh no.

Tag Team Turmoil to Determine the Number One Contenders to the WWE Tag Team Championship: This is a gauntlet-style match, where two teams fight until one wins. Then the winning team faces the next team, and the team that wins that encounter goes on to another match, and so on. First up, we have Goldust and Stardust against The New Day. The New Day didn’t make their promised debut on Raw, but on SmackDown! instead. Michael Cole says that the trio are “a lot of fun,” so I guess in deciding which direction they were going to take with Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods, and Big E., they went with smiling, dancing, black stereotypes. Noted. I really can’t explain how terrible their entrance— which is all HAND CLAPS and GOSPEL CHOIRS and GIGANTIC SMILES—is, so here’s a screencap of everybody posing in their hideous powder blue gear:

They pretty much gave all three men Rocky Maivia’s SMILING, HAPPY PEOPLE gimmick, hoping that it doesn’t get eaten alive. Or maybe they hope that it will. More likely, this garbage will be met with indifference. They determine who will wrestle via a game of Odds and Evens, and it’ll be Kofi and Big E. Kofi takes over on the Dust Brothers early and tags Big E. in. They’ve got some big, exuberant double-team moves. Goldust chops Big E.’s knee and tags his brother in. Kofi makes a blind tag on Big E. while Stardust is running off the ropes. Big E. catches Stardust and hoists him in the air, then he and Kofi bring him crashing down to the canvas. This move is called “The Midnight Hour,” I guess, which makes me think of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer,” which had a black Jesus in the music video, I guess? Goldust waits around to see if his brother can kick out, but they can’t, and that’s it for the former champions. (Goldust and Stardust are eliminated.) Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are out next, accompanied by Natalya. This would be exciting if there were an actual plan for either. But they’re just here to fill space. Cesaro muscles Kofi Kingston up and over for a belly-to-belly suplex and tags Kidd in. Kidd kicks Kofi Kingston in the chest and chokes him against the ropes. He bridges on the chinlock, which rules. Kidd bodyslams Kofi Kingston and takes his sweet time following up, which lets Kofi make the tag to Big E.

Kidd catches a charging Big E. with a kick to the gut, but Big E. hits Kidd with a belly-to-belly and wipes the sweat from his brow with a handkerchief that he’s got in his singlet. Michael Cole says that I’ve got to love this, but, uhh, I don’t. Big E. hits Kidd with an Ultimate Warrior splash and looks for the Big Ending, but Cesaro gets involved. Big E. takes them both out and tags Kofi in. Big E. launches Kofi Kingston over the top rope and to the outside, where he crashes down on Kidd and Cesaro. Kofi rolls Kidd back into the ring and goes for a springboard forearm. He connects. Goldust and Stardust return and attack Big E. and Xavier Woods, which distracts Kofi enough that Kidd is able to roll him up and hold the tights. The New Day is over before it even began. (Kofi Kingston and Big E. are eliminated.) Beyond putting The New Day into a feud against Goldust and Stardust, there is no reason for them to lose this match. None. Especially to a team that isn’t a team. Cesaro and Kidd celebrate for a bit, but The Usos are out next.

Jimmy Uso and Cesaro brawl, but Cesaro’s strength is unreal and he’s able to quickly throw Jimmy Uso around like he was nothing. He celebrates a bit early though, and Jimmy takes over. He hits Cesaro with his running butt smash and tags Jey Uso in. Cesaro isn’t fazed for long though, and quickly tags his partner in. Tyson Kidd gets in the ring, but Jey gains the advantage back quickly. Cesaro tags in without Jey Uso seeing it, just before Kidd hits the floor. Jey Uso goes for a dive, but Kidd is using Natalya as a shield (this is something the cameras miss), and Cesaro sneaks up from behind with a German Suplex. He gets a two count. Back from break, Cesaro and Kidd are still in command. Not for long, however, as Jey fights back and tries to tag out to his brother. Cesaro prevents this with a powerbomb and brings Kidd back. Jey thwarts a double team effort but is taken down by Tyson Kidd, who hurts himself on the move. This allows Jimmy Uso to get back in and take Kidd out with a Samoan Drop. Cesaro saves the match for his team before the three, then is clotheslined over the top rope by Jey. Jimmy Uso tries to get Tyson Kidd back into the ring, but Natalya prevents it. Kidd goes for a springboard Flying Nothing and gets superkicked and splashed for his effort. Cesaro is taken out with a dive, and Jimmy pins Kidd. (Cesaro and Tyson Kidd are eliminated.)

This brings out Adam Rose and The Bunny, so fuck everything. Adam Rose sends his Exotic Express away because they’re getting paid by the hour or something, and this is what it comes down to: The worst gimmick in wrestling against a pair of competent tag team wrestlers. Start up the dumb bunny joke machine. Adam Rose gets rolled up, but kicks out. Why? Why prolong this agony? Rose manages to gain an advantage on Jimmy Uso, and we cut to the back, where Naomi is just casually watching the match, by herself.

Her marriage to Jimmy Uso is only important if you watch Total Divas or are the kind of backwards asshole who defines a woman by who she is married to. WWE is counting that you are both of these things, so Naomi will be the focus of the feud between The Usos and The Miz/Damien Mizdow. Jimmy, meanwhile, gets spinebustered by Adam Rose. He has everything under control, so naturally The Bunny tags himself in and nearly gets superplexed. But he counters and hits a sunset flip powerbomb. Now Adam Rose tags himself in. THE BUNNY WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. Rose gets superkicked and splashed, and, mercifully, it’s over. (Adam Rose and The Bunny are eliminated.) WINNERS: The Usos via pinfall. Grade: C

There’s nothing great about Tag Team Turmoil or gauntlet style matches. No real drama, and no real thought given to the booking. If this was being used to move The Usos into a match against Miz and Mizdow, then why not just run the angle where The Miz hits on Naomi and skip the bits where you devalue your new team (The New Day), expose the glaring holes in your roster by sticking a first time team into a match for a shot at the titles, and continuing the Rose/Bunny affair? Backstage, The Miz joins Naomi in the vacuum where one watches Raw on a television dangling from space. Mizdow is with her, bearing his replica belts. The Miz congratulates Naomi on her husband’s win and says he voted for her on the WWE App to be AJ Lee’s partner later on tonight. What a scumbag, right? Oh wait, he’s impressed by Naomi’s twerking in a music video, so yeah, fuck him. Naomi is pretty pumped that a white dude digs her dancing, though. Miz offers Naomi a contact with a Hollywood producer and gives her his card. Mizdow gives her an invisible one. In the carpark, Vince McMahon steps out of a limousine. This gets the biggest reaction of the night. Seth Green will be hosting next week’s Raw, which is the Slammy Awards. And I’m supposed to be excited about this for some reason.

Some dude interviews Erick Rowan, who is still fiddling with his Rubik’s Cube. The interviewer has done some investigating and has discovered that Rowan has an I.Q. of 143. Borderline genius. He’s a classically trained-guitarist and an award-winning vintner. Rowan nods as if this has been true all along and says that he’s going to fight The Big Show because The Big Show is a bully. He then hands the guy his finished Rubik’s Cube. I…I dunno. They’re trying a bit hard, but I guess they’re trying. Big Show makes his way to the ring and says that Rowan is right, he is a bully. Because he has to be one. People, after all, have been betraying him his entire life. Now all The Big Show cares about is hurting people. That’s rad.

The Big Show vs. Erick Rowan: Despite being a classically-trained guitarist, Rowan’s entrance music is some weird swamp garbage. JBL thinks that Rowan’s large fingers are the reason he’s able to solve the Rubik’s Cube so quickly. Rowan takes Big Show out quickly, forcing him outside the ring. JBL starts calling Rowan “Big Red” and tries really hard to make it happen. Trying too hard to make things happen is a theme. Meanwhile, Big Show’s crafty ring generalship is enough to outsmart the borderline genius, and he takes Rowan out with a clothesline. Show bullies Rowan around, because that’s what he likes to do. Another clothesline puts Rowan down, and Big Show sinks in the cobra clutch. Rowan fires back with some clotheslines and splashes of his own, finally sending Show over the top rope with another clothesline. It doesn’t matter how many times I see it: Watching Big Show spill over the top rope to the floor is always impressive. On the floor, Big Show reverses a whip and sends Rowan careening into the stairs. He then smashes Rowan with them and is disqualified. Winner: Erick Rowan via disqualification. Grade: C+

This wasn’t bad, but it’s being used to build to a Stairs Match, which is a thing that doesn’t exist. The stairs, I guess, are another metaphor. What they symbolize is your undying commitment to the WWE Network and contrived gimmick matches. Backstage, Vince McMahon is wandering around aimlessly. He comes to the realization that The Exotic Express was a bad idea.

His power tie might be the worst fashion choice in this frame, which is saying something considering that there’s a white dude in a sombrero and polo shirt poncho. Renee Young intercepts Vince McMahon and tries to ask him about the state of the WWE. But Vince blows her off and says that he’s happy he could whistle, but that he can’t whistle because he never learned how. I have no idea why he said that. He’s pumped up about being on Steve Austin’s podcast. Podcasts are not a thing Vince McMahon knew about before tonight. When asked about bringing back The Authority (why anybody cares when Raw is proceeding as usual, I don’t know), he says that it’s not in his hands. In his hands (cue evil Vince hand motion from when he bought out WCW) is Stone Cold Steve Austin. All Vince McMahon is here to do tonight is relive the glory days, Renee. They recap last week’s AJ Lee/Bella Twins deal to put over the fact that WE HAVE THE POWER to decide AJ’s partner against the inexplicably reunited Bella Twins. Our options are Natalya, Naomi, and Alicia Fox. Your winner, as dictated by an earlier segment, will be Naomi.

Fandango vs. Jack Swagger: The New and Improved Fandango, aside from being one more thing that the WWE is trying hard to make everybody like, is actually the same Fandango as before, just without heat. His new dance partner, Rosa Mendes, might be worse dancing than she is wrestling, but since she never wrestles who knows. Jack Swagger’s music hits, but Swagger doesn’t come out. Backstage, Zeb Coulter is gripping his leg while Swagger acts poorly, asking nobody for a doctor. In the ring, Fandango smiles and accepts his victory. Winner: Fandango via forfeit. Grade: N/A

Michael Cole criticizes Fandango for taking the win, which was totally not something Fandango had planned for, because here’s Rusev and Lana. Fandango waltzes away unscathed, however, as Rusev has no time for anything but Jack Swagger. Lana recaps last week’s events. If you remember, Rusev was forced to recite the American pledge of allegiance, lest he be entered into a battle royal to defend his title. Rusev refused, so he took on 19 other men on SmackDown!. Rusev won, however, giving Lana a reason to call America pathetic. Rusev has the microphone and goes into his Drago routine. He is the man. He claims to have broken Zeb Coulter, which, considering how horrible that character is as a face, might be considered a mercy killing. Lana recites a pledge of allegiance to Rusev, and it’s the first bit of promo she’s done that I absolutely hated. Lazy, terrible parody writing. Just do whatever they do in Russia. Jack Swagger makes for the ring now to avenge America and his tea party daddy, hurling Rusev into the barricades a number of times before the referees pull him away. There’s not much reason to revisit this feud beyond a noticeably thin talent roster, and the crowd reacts like they’ve seen it all before. Which they have.

Damien Mizdow (w/The Miz) vs. Fernando (w/El Torito): They did a pre-show angle where El Torito stole one of Mizdow’s fake titles, but he already has it back. The bell rings and the crowd starts chanting for Mizdow, and the way he sells surprise is pretty tremendous. Damien Sandow has always been one of the more underrated guys on the roster, so I’m glad that he’s still making the most of this otherwise horrible situation. Mizdow out-wrestles Fernando and gets a one count off a trip, but Fernando’s quickness enables him to take over. Meanwhile, The Miz talks about how he wants to help Naomi. Mizdow gets a two off of a backslide, and Fernando gets a two off of a clothesline. Fernando applies an armbar, but misses a Stinger Splash. Mizdow takes Fernando out with a pair of clotheslines and The Miz’s backbreaker/neckbreaker combo, then kips up from it, which is impressive for a dude of his size. The crowd digs it. Mizdow goes for the Skull-Crushing Finale, but Fernando rolls out of it. Fernando goes for a sunset flip, but Mizndow counters into a Figure-Four Leg Lock! Mizdow’s facial expression is so good that Fernando has no choice but to tap out. Winner: Damien Mizdow via Submission. Grade: B-

This was a good squash, but it would have been even better had Mizdow tried to imitate Miz doing guest commentary. I guess, in a way, this match breaks Mizdow’s character, but that’s not a bad thing. Maybe they’ll start evolving Mizdow. Maybe they’ll realize that he’s the hot hand right now in the midcard and continue to feature him. Maybe, but probably not. The Miz, as ever, is the long-term project here. Mizdow’s just along for the ride unless the crowd continues to dig him. Jimmy Uso comes out, and The Miz is like “Oh man, he’s here to thank me for appreciating his wife’s talent,” but that is not how the world or wrestling or marriage in the context of the hypermasculine universe both our world and the world of wrestling work, so Jimmy hauls off and decks The Miz. The way he smiles before he does it is the most charismatic thing he has ever done. Someone in the crowd yells “Kick his ass, Sea Bass,” and I can’t imagine it’s because he’s seen Dumb and Dumber To. Damien Mizdow watches on from the ring, absolutely confused, and The Miz sells this like he’s absolutely terrified, which is the right response to being assaulted. Jey Uso checks the situation while wearing a hoodie, so you know this is not official Uso business. This is personal. This is about his wife. I tend to get uncomfortable about feuds in wrestling that involve wives, because the language of marriage in professional wrestling is still very much the language of ownership. The Miz maybe stepped his bounds in telling Naomi that she twerked well (because Jesus Christ, white dudes should not be talking about twerking), but this is something Naomi did in a public context to further her career. Jimmy Uso, if he’s that bent out of shape about it, should be tracking down every dude who watched the video so he can punch them in the face, too. But The Miz offered Naomi some help in advancing her career (which is necessary, since the WWE isn’t going to do it for her), and this is what has Jimmy angry. They try to sell it as The Miz hitting on someone’s wife, but really it comes across as Jimmy being insecure in his masculinity. Michael Cole supports this theory without meaning to, suggesting that The Miz should have given his producer’s business card (not his business card) to a Diva who wasn’t seeing anybody. JBL mentions that The Miz is married to an actual, real life model, which is true. But if this angle leads to Jerry Lawler getting punched by every dude for saying creepy bullshit about every woman on the roster, then I might support this garbage.

Bray Wyatt vs. R-Truth: The most impressive thing about this match will be Bray Wyatt’s entrance. The thing that sucks about Bray Wyatt, aside from WWE’s unwillingness to just run with him and see what happens, is that he only ever wrestles in squash matches, like this, or big matches, like the one against Dean Ambrose at TLC. There are no even contests for him except the ones on pay-per-view, so it’s tough to get a sense of how his character has evolved in the ring, if it has at all. This is important, since Wyatt has not evolved as a character outside the ring, despite the numerous setbacks he has faced. I’d argue that his character is stagnant (though it shouldn’t be), but the audience still loves him. Even as handicapped as the character has become through the writers’ fear of what he represents (the unknown, that which fits no mold), he’s still the most unique individual on the roster. It’s fitting that he’s in a feud with Dean Ambrose, since Ambrose is in the exact same position. Wyatt assaults R-Truth to begin the match, calling out for Dean Ambrose. Truth avoids a splash, but gets taken out with a clothesline. JBL continues to say that Wyatt and Ambrose were trying to “out crazy each other.” If only that were true. Lawler says that the two of them together would be “cray-cray,” presumably because he watches The Disney Channel to stay young and hip. This match is an absolute vacation for Wyatt—Truth’s only offense is a hope-spot that sees him hit two moves that I vaguely remember being his finisher at one point in time, but Wyatt gets back up from both immediately to feed for more. He misses a scissor kick and gets taken out with Wyatt’s uranage. Wyatt pushes Truth to the ring apron and DDTs him onto it. One yoga back bend and Sister Abigail later, and it’s over. Winner: Bray Wyatt via pinfall. Grade: B-

JBL says that “Sister Abigail” is a great name for Bray’s finish, but doesn’t say why. Without the context provided by Wyatt’s character, it’d actually be terrible. R-Truth rolls out of the ring while Bray begins to put the implements for a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match into the ring. This, the metaphor we’ve been using all night (and last week) for Vince McMahon’s plea to us watching at home to just buy the WWE Network already, confuses Michael Cole. When we come back from commercial, Wyatt is in the ring, sitting under a ladder in his rocking chair. He tells us about Jacob’s ladder. I can’t find any video evidence of this promo, but Cactus Jack once said that “If the Gods could build me a ladder to the heavens, I’d climb that ladder and drop a big elbow on the world.” Bray Wyatt is good, but no promo about climbing ladders is going to top that one. Jacob’s ladder led to Jacob’s maker, and at the top of that ladder Jacob was promised that he’d always be safe. But that’s not what Bray Wyatt’s ladder leads to. Nobody is up there for Bray. He climbs the ladder and laughs at all of us. He laughs at Dean Ambrose. And he sees tables, ladders, and chairs. This brings Ambrose to the ring, and they brawl. It’s not particularly spirited, but it’s there, reminding us that these two will be having a very dangerous match on the WWE Network, and that, I guess, is what counts. For me, the most agonizing part of Raw is that every feud is built the exact same way. A man cuts a promo. Another man interrupts him. They fight. One of them gets the advantage. The next week, someone else gets the advantage. The only thing distinguishing the build to Ambrose/Wyatt from the one leading to Jack Swagger/Rusev is that Dean Ambrose broke a rocking chair and Rusev broke an old man. Swagger and Zeb Coulter are life partners, but that rocking chair was sacred to Bray, goddammit. Dean Ambrose finishes the segment by standing underneath the ladder, and that, too, is old and tired and expected.

The Bella Twins vs. AJ Lee and Naomi: They are never going to explain why The Bella Twins are back together, I guess. I mean, Brie’s insubordination got Nikki beaten up for months, which caused Nikki to turn on her sister and sell out to Stephanie McMahon, which led to months of Nikki having Brie beat up, which led to a match where Brie had to be Nikki’s personal assistant if she lost, which she did, so she dressed up like a butler and served her tea and was made to look foolish… but now everything is okay again, and we’ll never know why. Forget about those videos where Nikki was super sour over Brie stealing her prom date, guys. Twin magic conquerers all. Naomi wins the fan vote because wrestling is rigged. AJ’s running gimmick since she became an actual player is that she’s never been successful in tag competition, but that gimmick is over starting now. Nikki and Naomi start the match off, and Nikki takes Naomi to the mat with a vertical suplex. This gets a one count. Nikki dropkicks Naomi, and it’s the last dropkick she should throw for awhile because it was not good. Brie tags in and continues the onslaught, hitting Naomi with a running back elbow smash. Michael Cole only remembers the 30 days where Brie was Nikki’s personal assistant, because he has the memory and attention span the WWE assumes its fans possess. Nikki gets back into the ring and clotheslines Naomi as the “CM PUNK” chant starts. THEN SOME FANS START CHANTING “AJ LEE.” Bless. Jerry Lawler has been informed that he can never say “cray-cray” again, and while Lawler is talking about himself Naomi flips out of a back suplex and tags in AJ Lee. The former Diva’s Champion flies at her rival with a Thesz press. She follows with a splash/neckbreaker combination, knocks Brie off the apron, hits Nikki with a pair of knees and a tornado DDT and gets a two count for that sequence, as Brie is able to make the save. Nikki then gets dropkicked by Naomi, and Naomi should continue throwing dropkicks because it’s a skill she has. AJ Lee throws Brie out of the ring and hits Nikki with the Shining Wizard. She puts Nikki in the Black Widow, and that’s all she wrote. Winners: AJ Lee and Naomi via submission. Grade: B-

This is more indicative of the time and attention they give to the women’s division, but that might have been one of the best five women’s matches on Raw in 2014. Backstage, Santa Claus (who sounds suspiciously like Mick Foley) plugs WWE’s Cyber Monday sale. I only mention this because Santa Claus sounded suspiciously like Mick Foley. There’s a bunch of recap of Michael Cole reading e-mails, recaps also being a big reason why Raw drags and drags and drags, but hey, Paul Heyman is here!

He heard what John Cena had to say about Brock Lesnar not being around defending his title every week. Heyman says that Brock Lesnar is like Christmas, and you don’t do Christmas 365 days a year. Lesnar is can’t-miss, must-see talent. Cena, should he get past Rollins, will have to fight a fresh, well-trained Brock Lesnar, and that’s a fight Cena can’t possibly win. But if Cena loses, who becomes the number one contender? Seth Rollins? Lesnar’s a bit salty about the curb stomp, so good luck, pal. The Undertaker? That, too, would be ugly. Sting? If Sting and Brock Lesnar fought, it’d be Sting’s retirement match. Then Heyman says to make the whole WWE roster the number one contender and to line them all up in front of his client. That would rule, because it’s pretty much the only way Cesaro is going to get a title shot at this point, and because I could picture Brock Lesnar on a throne made from the cleaned and polished skulls of the entire roster, everything burned around him, end of wrestling. And considering that the highight of this show thus far is a medium-shot of a middle-aged talent agent suggesting hypothetical opponents who will never step into the same ring as Brock Lesnar, ending wrestling sounds like a mercy killing. According to Paul Heyman, the man who has the WWE World Heavyweight Championship has all the power. That power, obviously, is Brock Lesnar. His power is undisputed. Kneel before him and tremble, ye mortals.

John Cena, Ryback, and Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins, Kane, and Luke Harper: I have a feeling that this is going to be the least of the six-man tag team main events presented by the WWE this year. They’ve been an unexpected strength of the product in 2014, but Rollins and Harper were elements of those great matches between The Shield and the Wyatt Family, and not the only dudes carrying the ball. During the five minutes it takes for everybody to get into the ring, Michael Cole mentions for the seventh time that TLC “is WWE’s version of demolition derby,” because we’re trying to get the wrestling over as a niche, hobbiest endeavor. Luke Harper and John Cena begin the match, and Cena starts off by punching the hell out of the Intercontinental Champion, knocking him to the mat a few times. He drags Rollins into the ring and locks in the STF. Beyond the fact that he “cost” Cena his rematch against Brock Lesnar, the beef between these two is synthetic at best. Cena’s STF is broken up by Harper, who is thrown to the mat by Cena for the interruption. He tags in Dolph Ziggler, and the two hit a double dropkick. Ziggler covers Harper, who kicks out. Harper manages to tag out to Kane, and Ziggler brings Ryback in. These two, as mentioned, will have a Chairs Match (which, as mentioned, is a thing that should not exist), so Ryback is beyond pumped to test himself against an old dad in business slacks. Ryback Thesz presses Kane, dribbles his head like a basketball, and hits his splash for a two count. Kane gets Harper back into the match, but Ryback can’t be stopped by any ol’ dirty swamp monster and clotheslines Harper for a one count. Harper gets Seth Rollins into the match for the first time, and he takes over on Ryback. He’s out as quickly as he’s in, though, and Ryback wastes no time in turning the tables on Luke Harper. The two exchange blows in the corner until Harper goes for his suplex/punch. Ryback blocks it and goes for a suplex of his own. He holds Harper up… and we go to commercial. In the ring after the break, Ryback gets another suplex in, garnering a near fall. He tags Dolph Ziggler in for the first time, and he gets a sleeper in on Kane. The sleeper is broken up when Kane runs backwards into the turnbuckles. Kane tries to charge at Ziggler, but he gets dropkicked in the knee and falls face first into the turnbuckles. Ziggler continues building momentum until he tries a double ax-handle, which Kane counters with an uppercut to the throat. Kane gets a two count and tags in Seth Rollins.

Again, Rollins tags out quickly to Harper, who gator rolls the former Intercontinental Champion and cinches in his chin lock. Ziggler fights his way to the corner, but Harper chops Ziggler in the throat and does his suplex/punch in before tagging out to Kane. Ziggler’s got nothing for Kane, who obliterates the Survivor Series hero with a clothesline before hitting him with a knee to the gut. He tags Rollins into the contest, and he whips Ziggler from corner to corner. Rollins brings Ziggler down to the mat with another chinlock, and Ziggler fights out with a jawbreaker. Rollins goes for a splash and misses, and Ziggler tags in John Cena. Cena immediately goes through his routine and lifts Rollins for the Attitude Adjustment, but Rollins slips it. Luke Harper isn’t that lucky though, and he gets drilled. Kane enters the ring, and he eats a double suplex from Cena and Ryback. With things in disarray, Rollins’ security squad attacks Cena, and Rollins covers him for a two. Kane still has the advantage after the commercial, getting another near fall after a sidewalk slam. Cena powers out of a chinlock and dropkicks Kane into a tag from Luke Harper. Harper gets into the match and lifts Cena for a back suplex, but he changes course, instead throwing Cena face-first to the mat. It’s worth two. Harper lays in another throat thrust and tries to whip Cena across the ring. Cena counters and sends Harper into the turnbuckles instead. When Cena gets up, however, he is met with a superkick. Harper tags Rollins in, and he climbs the turnbuckles and hits Cena with a flying punch. Rollins does some trash talking, and it allows Cena a brief bit of hope. He charges for his corner, but Rollins is there with a clothesline. Cena breaks his way out of a rear chinlock, but Rollins clubs him on the back of the head and puts him in the corner. He goes for a splash, but Cena moves. He dives across the ring and tags Dolph Ziggler in. Harper’s in as well, but Ziggler is on fire, clotheslining everyone he sees and eventually hitting Harper with the Fameasser for two. The match breaks down again, everybody in the ring, and John Cena dives onto the pile. He tries to hit Kane with the Attitude Adjustment, but Kane gets out of it for the first time in years and kicks Cena in the face. Everybody starts exchanging high impact moves “out of nowhere!” and Harper finishes sequence with a black hole slam for another near fall. Harper tries to follow with a sit-out powerbomb, but Ziggler has too much momentum and manages to counter with a sunset flip. That catches Luke Harper off guard, and the referee counts the three. Winners: John Cena, Dolph Ziggler, and Ryback. Grade: B

Harper is up immediately, and he knocks Ziggler out. Now all six men are in the ring and Cole calls TLC a demolition derby again. Stop. Stop, please. Just stop trying to make stupid phrases happen. The Big Show sneaks into the ring and headbutts the world. Erick Rowan charges the ring with an extra set of ring steps and starts taking out the bad guys. Big Red is what they’re going to call him now, which is a mistake. Big Show tries to double chokeslam Rowan and Ryback, so he ends up eating everybody’s finish. Rowan picks up the stairs and, with three men holding an already knocked out Big Show, gets his revenge from earlier in the night. Despite Ziggler winning and Rowan getting the last word, John Cena’s music plays to end the show. Oh wait, it doesn’t end the show at all because Steve Austin is just hanging out in a nightmare world of Tetris blocks and skulls, drinking a coffee, a Coors Light, and a bottle of water before his podcast with Vince McMahon.

Rating:
December 7, 2014
Wrestling Review: WWE Raw (11/25/14)
BEFORE THE SHOW:
- If you need to catch up with last night’s Survivor Series, here’s my review. Here it is on the WWE Network.
- If you want to check out more Raw reviews, do so here.
- Social media garbage: I am at @gh0stplanet. Follow me if you wish. I’ve got a few wrestling Tumblrs you may enjoy. Those are Date with a Wrestler and Wrestling Fashion. Also, you can follow Fear of a Ghost Planet on Facebook, if you dig it. You should dig it. Ohh, yeah.
- I’m sure you have friends who will be impressed that somebody can write 5k words about a wrestling show. Why not share this post with them? There are buttons to the side and at the bottom to do all of that.
Of course, the big news is Sting. Of course, there’s already a phenomenal video of him just hitting the ring. Of course, to see this, you’re going to have to get the network, chump. We’ve got fallout to get to. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are positively ecstatic that a regime that did nothing to them personally is out the door. John Bradshaw Layfield is bummed. The Authority’s music hits, and here we go. It’s actually kind of incredible that, on their way out the door, The Authority are still coming out to “Bow Down to the King.” Having desk jobs, I guess, is their punishment. Busted down from their beat, guns and badges turned in to the chief. They’re also on the cover of Muscle and Fitness because they’re muscular and fit, but this is hilarious because they’re no longer a power couple. Only one of them is still the principal owner of WWE and the other is still its COO. Again, man, it must suck to be the McMahons. The reaction to Stephanie and Triple H’s mere presence is phenomenal. When Stephanie mentions Sting, there’s a pop and a Sting chant, and Triple H looks at his wife like a sad, muscular puppy dog. There’s even a pop when she mentions that only John Cena can bring them back. Really, the mere fact that they love each other makes them great heels. Mick Foley once wrote that the best heels are those who believe what they’re saying, and it’s clear that Stephanie McMahon and Triple H really do. They love WWE. They love running it. And they know the fans in the audience want to see them lose and cry. And now that those fans are getting all of that, they’re going to air their grievances. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon exit playing the nuclear option, asserting that the WWE lasts maybe three weeks without them. That means Sting’s first night in the WWE will be his last. What will Sting do, then? What will any of us do? Are we happy now?

I am. And maybe that’s just because I love business Triple H, lecturing me about the choices he assumes that I made. I love that he calls The Authority “seemingly grotesque and incomprehensible.” It turns out that we were playing a zero-sum game: Whoever won at Surviver Series, we all lost. This is a career best promo from Triple H. And then DANIEL FUCKING BRYAN’s music hits. The arena goes insane for him, as they should, and poor Triple H and Stephanie McMahon have to stand there and take it as the man responsible for their greatest professional failure (before last night, at least), rubs it into their faces. Daniel Bryan could have shown up and done nothing but the “YES!” chant in Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s general direction and it would have been a great moment.

As it turns out, Daniel Bryan is tonight’s General Manager of Raw, selected by John Cena. I guess he gets to make decisions, though he technically did not win that Survivor Series match. Still. I’ve been wondering why Daniel Bryan hasn’t been on television at all, and now here he is. The first thing he says is that it feels great to be in the ring again, and I 100% believe that. Daniel Bryan is here to decide the fate of Team Authority, at least on this night. He brings them out, so that the fans might voice their displeasure. Daniel Bryan claims not to be spiteful (historically not true), so he’s not going to strip anybody of their titles or punish them unfairly. He’s just going to book people in matches. He starts with Seth Rollins. He’s going to put him in a handicap match, 3-on-2, he and two men against John Cena and Dolph Ziggler. Daniel Bryan looks to be having a genuinely good time. His mood is infectious. But Seth Rollins can’t catch Daniel Bryan fever. He’s still the future of the company, still has the Money in the Bank briefcase. He doubts he’ll be given fair partners. Daniel Bryan decides to give the option to the WWE Universe, via the app that you can download on your phones, if you’re that dedicated. The choices are as follows:
1. Luke Harper and Mark Henry
2. Mark Henry and Kane
3. Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury
Obviously, the fans are going to choose Noble and Mercury. Which, excellent. Neither man has wrestled in forever, but both were good, solid hands deserving of a main event, and they’ve done surprisingly well as an updated take on the Pat Patterson/Gerald Brisco stooge routine from the Attitude Era. Rollins is concerned because they’re not real security. But Daniel Bryan doesn’t care. Life is unfair. Life goes on. There are other people to punish. Next is Kane. Daniel Bryan mentions ancient goddamn history, his old Team Hell No days with Kane, when they entered relationship therapy. It seems Kane has not remembered what he was taught by their therapist, Dr. Shelby. Daniel Bryan asks the fans if Kane should still be director of operations. They say no. Daniel Bryan strips Kane of his title, but understands that the economy is tough, and so gives his former partner a new title: Director of Food and Beverage. Kane has significant experience in this field.

No longer shall Kane be Corporate Kane. He is now Concessions Kane. I hope this is how they refer to him from now until he is inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Concessions Kane is given a tray of popcorn and hot dogs. Rusev eyes the tray like he wants some. Kane wanders off to sell his popcorn and hot dogs backstage. Where they already have free food. Now Daniel Bryan addresses Rusev. He thinks he should be more patriotic, since he is the United States champion. THERE IS NO SUPERSTAR MORE PATRIOTIC THAN RUSEV. But patriotism in WWE means America, goddammit, so Daniel Bryan gives Rusev two options:
1. He can compete in a company-wide battle royal for the title. Every single WWE Superstar will be involved. Hopefully even the women. Hopefully Paige wins the title. This is the option you should choose, Rusev. Take on the world. Lose to Paige. Or…
2. He can appear in the ring with an American flag in the background, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Never mind that Rusev was pretty much forced onto the team, he must be punished. Go with the battle royal, you glorious power bear. Daniel Bryan’s bearded brother is next. He won the Intercontinental Championship from Dolph Ziggler because Rollins and his security got involved, so Daniel Bryan wants him to defend the title. He will, against Dean Ambrose. Luke Harper doesn’t look too phased. Luke Harper is too strong to care. Last, Daniel Bryan addresses Mark Henry. Mark picks up to leave, but Daniel Bryan keeps him out there. A “big guy” asked him for a favor. He wanted some help avenging a WrestleMania loss two years ago. Two years is two-thousand years in terms of WWE. Daniel Bryan has a PhD in wrestling history, practically. That man was Ryback. Daniel Bryan calls Ryback THE RYBACK, and can have my heart forever. That match is happening next. Mark Henry threatens Daniel Bryan (which, goddamn, I love heel Mark Henry so much. He’s such a nice, genial dude in reality, but he is the absolute best strongman heel in WWE), but Ryback runs out. This opening segment was nearly thirty minutes long. Every minute was a delight. Yes.

Ryback vs. Mark Henry: Before Mark Henry can make it to the ring to take out Daniel Bryan, Ryback’s music hits and he charges down the ramp to avenge his WrestleMania loss. Ryback comes out on fire, ramming Henry into the ring apron, the ring post, and finally the barricade. Mark Henry is obviously dazed by the time the bell rings, but he will try to fight off Ryback. He manages to shove Ryback away and knock him down, but he’s a wounded bull. Ryback hits Mark Henry with a spinebuster, the Meathook Clotheseline, and doesn’t even bother with the Shellshock. Winner: Ryback via pinfall. Grade: C

I’m in the minority, but I remember really liking Ryback and Mark Henry’s match at WrestleMania. So it’s a shame that Ryback’s “revenge” took all of three minutes. But his rebuild as the very popular Aggro Crag of muscles and airbrushed singlets continues unabated, and that’s fine, too. Mark Henry sells the match like he’s concussed, and continues to be amazing. Backstage, Stephanie McMahon apologizes to Vince McMahon, who claims not to be an angry man. He doesn’t want to hear any apologies. He’s disappointed that his family couldn’t beat insurmountable odds. Because he’s beaten those odds a million times. Again, that’s true. It’s amazing how many times Vince McMahon has beaten crazy odds, and amazing how many times he’s failed to beat them. Again, great heels speak their truth, and when Vince McMahon says that he’s never felt sorry a day in his life, he means it. He’s probably okay spending Thanksgiving with Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, though. He’s not that evil.

WWE Intercontinental Championship – Luke Harper (Champion) vs. Dean Ambrose: Luke Harper has such great presence. Maybe better than Bray Wyatt. He doesn’t speak much, but the way he gesticulates is enough. He backs Ambrose into a corner but misses with a haymaker. Ambrose catches him with a flurry, but Harper is so strong that one punch gains him the advantage. Harper claws at Ambrose’s face and knocks him around the ring with a series of strikes until Ambrose catches him off guard with a drop toe hold. After hitting him with a few forearms, Ambrose works Harper’s arm with a series of armbars. Harper escapes by grabbing Ambrose’s nose and twisting, but Ambrose still has the momentum. He hits Harper with a back elbow, and when Harper rolls out of the ring he follows by launching himself over the top rope and into the champion. Back from commercial, Luke Harper has Ambrose in a chinlock. Harper whips Ambrose into the corner and kicks him while he’s down. He does a European uppercut and continues to work Ambrose’s nose. Ambrose fires back with punches and kicks, though, until Harper catches the foot and uses it to swing Ambrose crashing down onto the mat, face first. Ambrose kicks out and gets gator rolled. He throws Ambrose out of the ring and uses his advantage to batter his challanger. He tries to throw Ambrose back into the ring, but just like last night Ambrose refuses to stay down. He rolls back out of the ring and nails Harper with a clothesline of his own. With Harper stunned, Ambrose gets back into the contest. He takes Harper down with a few checks, goes for a bulldog and gets shoved away. Harper tries to nail him but misses, and Ambrose gets a two count with a roll-up. He gets another two count with a clothesline. Harper is reeling, but he catches Ambrose with a headbutt while he’s on the apron and goes for a suplex to the outside. It doesn’t work. Ambrose ties him up in the ropes and hits his dropkick/guillotine leg drop combination, which rules and spikes Harper’s head into the mat. Another two count. Harper is out of it, though, so Ambrose punches and chops him to his heart’s content. When he charges at Harper again, the champion catches him with a black hole slam for a two. He goes for his powerbomb, but Ambrose gets out of it and executes a backslide for another near fall. Harper ends up getting Ambrose on the turnbuckle, stuns him, and follows him up for an attempt at a superplex. He can’t lift Ambrose, though. Ambrose headbutts Harper off the ropes then flies at him with his standing elbow drop for a two. Harper gets up and surprises his challenger with a superkick. Another near fall. Ambrose appears out of it, but he hits his rebound lariat to a good ovation and goes for the cover, but the champion kicks out again! Harper rolls out of the ring and retreives the Intercontinental Championship. He’s had enough. Ambrose catches him with a suicide dive, though, and Harper staggers back into the ring. Harper looks to be caught, as Ambrose has him for his Dirty Deeds double-arm DDT (seriously, not every finisher needs a stupid name), but Harper is resilient and shoves Ambrose off and into the referee. The ref takes umbrage with this, and that’s all she wrote. Winner: Dean Ambrose via disqualification. Grade: B

One of the benefits of not having the WWE Champion on every episode of Raw, SmackDown!, and Main Event is that every other championship seems more important in its absence. There have been some absolute battles over the United States Championship (some on the internet would call them “hoss fights,” but not me), and now the Intercontinental Championship seems to have regained its former stature as being an important title that people have really good matches for. This match teases at what Ambrose and Harper might be able to do later, when Ambrose clears his plate. Until then, it’s yet another Dean Ambrose match with a contrived finish, and that’s going to start leaving people feeling sour sooner or later. Harper boots Ambrose in the face and goes for his dive, but Ambrose cuts him off and goes under the ring for a chair. I don’t demand much in the way of realism from wrestling, but good God, start planting chairs in the crowd or something. Like, a stupid fan wandered off and Ambrose found his chair because he’s a lunatic! Instead, it looks like a multi-million dollar corporation doesn’t know where to put their extra chairs, and also hides garbage cans and kendo sticks under the ring for some reason. It’s 1990s in the worst way. Ambrose spikes Harper on the chair with the double-arm DDT, and this, due to symbolism, is how we’re building to the TLC match between Ambrose and Wyatt. The fans chant for a table, but Dean brings out a ladder. Then he brings out the table. JBL says there’s no need for it, and he’s right. Thankfully, Bray Wyatt is there to stop Dean from giving away spots from their match, and he assaults his opponent with Sister Abigail. He throws Ambrose over the announcer’s desk and buries him under chairs, steel and office alike. It’s a ridiculous visual, but ridiculous visuals are what you sometimes have to deal with when you’re building a feud between lunatics that’s meant to culminate in guaranteed violence on a PG show. It’s nice to see Wyatt doing something more to build his programs than just talking or appearing out of thin air.

A promo for the New Day plays, and, while they couldn’t have planned it this way, oh boy was it terrible timing. I’m not watching Raw live, but Big E., Xavier Woods, and Kofi Kingston continued their push towards redebuting while the grand jury was announcing their decision not to indict Darren Wilson for the killing of Michael Brown in Fergusson, Missouri. Actually, considering that they were in St. Louis the night before, I can blame them a little. Zero people backstage knew what was going on while they pushed play on this weird minstrel show? None? Really? And they’re debuting next week? Oh boy. I really like Big E. and think Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods are good, talented wrestlers, but this angle, no matter what its perception is right now, is a belated response to an article The Atlantic ran about racism in the WWE. And it debuts next week, seven days after the Ferguson trial, and will be one of three things:
1. A trio of happy, smiling black dudes who’ve adopted preacher-man gimmicks for no reason beyond the fact that most of the writers the WWE employs are white, and this is their experience of blackness.
2. A trio of angry, grumpy black dudes who are upset that society and their employer has kept them from moving up the social ladder. All of which is fair enough (especially when it comes to Kofi Kingston’s situation), but how is one supposed to read a group of angry black men (written by white men) on a wrestling show, when the words “angry” and “black” have historically united to mean “bad guy?”
3. Aborted because somebody watches the news and figures, oh man, there’s no way this can be good. That’ll be the second time this stable is dismantled before it begins, and I’m not sure there’s any coming back from that given the weeks of promotion its been given.
Regardless of any three, WWE has been playing with black stereotypes since the inception of this angle and should have known better. I don’t know why I expect that from professional wrestling, but I do. Everybody should. It’s not hard to avoid making scummy culture.

Speaking of, Larry the Cable Guy comes out with his Jingle All the Way 2 co-star Santino Marella, who says that he misses us. He also hates our guts, since he’s here with Larry the Cable Guy, whose only claim to any kind of lasting fame is that he’s a CHUD who makes his money by selling rednecks a deplorable image of themselves. They plug their terrible movie and take their sweet fucking time to do it. They are interrupted by Stardust and Goldust. Thank you, Dusty Rhodes, for having children who can spare me from this garbage.

WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Miz and Damien Mizdow (Champions) vs. Goldust and Stardust: Damien Mizdow has fancy toy championship belts. God bless Damien Mizdow. The new WWE Tag Team Champions get a picture-in-picture promo (a great old gimmick that needs to make a regular return), and it’s great because Mizdow is great. The fans boo The Miz and cheer Mizdow, as they did last night. It’s all tremendous. Damien Mizdow gets announced as “Sandow,” which makes the announcers upset for some reason. Stardust and The Miz start the match off, so there’s a “WE WANT MIZDOW” chant immediately. Miz goes for a tag, but Stardust is able to stop it and tag his brother in. Goldust hits The Miz with an inverse atomic drop, and Mizdow comes in to perform the maneuver on himself. This distracts Goldust, who throws Mizdow out of the ring, and The Miz scores with a roll-up but only gets a two count. The Miz continues to press the advantage, but Goldust eventually takes over so Mizdow can continue to flop around. Goldust tags in Stardust and the two beat The Miz up in the corner. Stardust keeps clubbing at The Miz, and Mizdow keeps selling it, though he’s also trying to hang on in the corner so that The Miz can tag him in if needed. It’s the little things. Miz crawls to his corner, but Stardust is able to knock Mizdow off the apron. When we come back rom commercial, The Miz tags his stunt double in and does all of The Miz’s moves. A doctor checks on The Miz while Goldust distracts Mizdow, so the former champions take over on the men who beat them last night. Goldust has Mizdow in a chinlock, and Michael Cole is telling jokes while The Miz is getting checked for a concussion. That’s horrible, real or fake (in this instance fake). Goldust hits Mizdow with a spinebuster and gets a two while The Miz’s medical drama continues. The announcers talk about Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, which, okay, announcers are always talking about other stuff during the match, but again, you’re acting like one of the competitors in the match has a concussion. You pull out “Owen Voice” (the announcers speaking in low, serious tones to indicate that there’s been a “real,” significant injury in the pattern of the fall that killed Owen Hart) for trifling reasons all the time. How about pretending that The Miz matters, even if he doesn’t? Mizdow has nobody to tag out to, so he gets taken out with a gordbuster. The Miz might have a broken nose. Cole CONTINUES TO LAUGH AT THE MIZ’S MISFORTUNE, INSINUATING THAT HE’D RATHER GET SYMPATHY FROM THE DOCTOR THAN DEFEND HIS TITLE. Mizdow locks in the figure four leg lock, and it looks much better than the one Miz employs. Cole even mentions this, saying it’s “more effective.” And Mizdow didn’t even learn it from Ric Flair. Goldust breaks it up (no way he’s letting a Rhodes lose to the figure four), and Stardust continues to beat up on Mizdow. Miz, however, makes a blind tag just before Stardust takes Mizdow out, sneaks up and drills Stardust with the Skull Crushing Finale, and the referee gets to three before Goldust can come to the rescue. Cole is incensed that Miz stole Mizdow’s glory, even though that’s what Mizdow did last night. Winners: The Miz and Damien Mizdow via pinfall. Grade: B-

Concessions Kane works concessions backstage. He keeps a very clean concession stand.

Despite the fact that he is the Director of Food and Beverage, Concessions Kane has a manager. She’s heard that Concessions Kane likes to burn things. She says that he’s not burning things today and is to be kept away from the deep fryer. He’s on chip duty. Can he handle chips? If any chips go missing, Concessions Kane will have to pay for them. It’d be rad if this was some weird commentary on the way the working class is expected to keep the working class in line for crumbs, but really we’re just supposed to be laughing at Concessions Kane, which I am, because his face when he’s expected to deal with normal people is so good. If this were 2003, Concessions Kane would probably burn his manager alive. Since Concessions Kane is now Your Dad, Sad That He Was Laid Off From Work Kane, he just lets the angry teenager dress him down.

In the ring, Rusev stands tall with his United States Championship. He has a decision to make: Take on the world, or say the Pledge. Lana says that this is not fair. I agree. There’s a genial midwestern type in the crowd holding an American flag, blocking the view of the people behind him. Lana asks what kind of country forces its will on people, WHICH IS A GOOD QUESTION TO ASK. Jerry Lawler acts like the answer is “Russia, HAW HAW,” which is also true, but glass houses, cast stones, etc. Rusev takes the microphone and speaks Russian. Nobody understands. Everybody is Steve Austin. So Rusev begins to speak our stupid language. He doesn’t care who is running Raw. He refuses to be brainwashed by dumb Americans. Rusev isn’t just the hero of the Russian Federation, he’s the champion of my universe. Rusev threatens to leave, but Daniel Bryan is watching. He says that if Rusev doesn’t say the pledge, he will send a referee and the entire roster. But he’ll give Rusev a second chance. He sends out Sgt. Slaughter to supervise, which is awesome because Sarge has a cameo suit-jacket and rad cartoon theme music. But Sgt. Slaughter is hardly the most patriotic person in the world: He turned his back on America for a shot at Hulk Hogan, if you recall. But he calls for the flag to be unfurled, and it happens. It looks less fresh than the Russian flag Rusev uses. Slaughter goes through his phlegmy routine and tries to teach Rusev the Pledge. Rusev refuses to do it. The crowd does. Then Lana does in the quietest, most timid voice. Sarge can’t hear her. Lana’s on the verge of tears. She’s tremendous. Rusev refuses to let Lana do it. RUSEV RUSEV RUSEV. He threatens Sarge, who does not back down. Sarge takes off his hat, and this brings out Jack Swagger, Real American. Swagger has a new, hilarious haircut since hte last time I’ve seen him. The flag and Sgt. Slaughter have given Swagger superpowers he didn’t have the last time Rusev crushed him, so he chases Rusev out of the ring. There will be no battle royal, I guess. Rip. Off.

Concessions Kane can’t figure out the cash register (he’s a Libertarian, so the concept of keying in taxes is probably destroying his mind). He starts giving away peanuts and chips and nachos and popcorn (which also goes against his Libertarian ideals). Santino and Larry the Cable Guy are there to ruin this. Concessions Kane manhandles Larry the Cable Guy’s hot dogs and sprays Santino with mustard before declaring himself a big fan of Larry, who wipes the mustard off of Santino and eats it. Concessions Kane, by declaring himself a big fan of Larry the Cable Guy, is automatically the #1 heel in the world.

Justin Gabriel vs. Fandango (w/Rosa Mendes): They’re just running the re-debut from last night’s Survivor Series pre-show, because they assume nobody watches those things. Lillian Garcia calls Fandango “New and Improved,” as if he’s a fucking Shamwow. Rosa Mendes “dances” in the ring to some flamenco music, which is a real shame because Fandango’s old music ruled, and out he comes to do his new dance routine. He’s got new gear, too. Dude is still really intense about his dancing gimmick, which is the best part of the whole thing, but nobody cares because they can’t chant along to his music. Gabriel (who never gets to wrestle on Raw, so congratulations Justin Gabriel) gets in the ring and the two lock up. Gabriel goes off the ropes, but Fandango meets him with an elbow to the face. The fans chant Fandangos old music at him. Fandango assaults Gabriel in the corner and runs him into the turnbuckle. He’s just dominating the poor guy. Gabriel manages to get to the top rope though, which is where he makes his money, and hits Fandango with a flying… punch. Okay. He sprints to the other side of the ring and uses the ropes as a springboard for a clothesline. He kicks Fandango in the gut and runs at him, but Fandango clotheslines him. Gabriel makes the clothesline look particularly devastating. Outside the ring, Rosa Mendes gyrates. I guess violence makes her want to dance. Fair enough. Fandango suplexes Gabriel and turns it into a slam. The crowd starts chanting “CM PUNK.” At least it’s not during an AJ Lee match. Fandango climbs the ropes and leaps off the turnbuckle with his leg drop, which needs a name, and that’s it. Winner: Fandango via pinfall. Grade: C+

JBL asks Jerry Lawler what he thinks of Fandango, and Lawler says “I’m just looking at Rosa” because he is a shambling mound of human waste. They keep calling Fandango “New and Improved,” as if this is how you make somebody a worthwhile commodity. The synthesized trumpets in his new theme song are awful, and everybody except Fandango (who always tries really hard despite the cards he’s been dealt) should feel bad about this mess. They recap Big Show’s betrayal of Team Cena, speculating that he did it because he thought Team Cena was on its last legs. Big Show is backstage in a HUGE SUIT (YES!), bullying production members. I guess, rather than admit he made a mistake, he’s going full heel. Good. Big Show comes out with a shit-eating grin, giving everybody a huge thumbs up, and the children in the audience BOO HIM. THIS IS GREAT.

That’s how you know everything went well in last night’s main event, when the live audience goes along with something that was questioned online. Big Show politely asks for the microphone and continues to mug for the camera. He even lets out a little chuckle before he starts. He wants to make sure that we’re still cool. Big Show knows what we’ve been saying about him on the internet. He thinks we think he’s a bad guy. But he’s not, guys. “I’m a human being,” he says. “A human being who made a mistake.” OH MAN THIS IS THE BEST BIG SHOW PROMO EVER. He’s really sad about what he did, guys. The Authority took his job and his house, and they made him knock Dusty Rhodes and Daniel Bryan out. HE DIDN’T ASK TO BE BORN A GIANT. HE HAS A MEDICAL CONDITION THAT MAKES HIM FREAKISHLY LARGE AND POWERFUL. He has feelings and fears and a family. He’s about to cry. This is the best. Oh man. I want to give this Big Show a hug. Everything was going wrong for Team Cena last night. He knew the score. All of us would do the same. Again, great heels speak their truth. This is the Big Show’s truth, and it is logical and well thought out. It’s not the appropriate time to boo The Big Show, professional good person. But the fans keep booing him regardless. If he could go back to last night, knowing his job would have been safe, he would have stuck with Team Cena, dudes. HE SAYS WE OWE HIM A MULLIGAN. I AM WILLING TO GIVE IT. The arena chooses to chant “YOU SOLD OUT.” And Big Show gets angry. Big Show’s medical condition also makes his voice sound terrifying. I love angry Big Show. He calls the people whispering rumors about him cowards and invites one out. The loquacious Erick Rowan is the man for this task. BIG SHOW CALLS HIM THE UPSIDE DOWN SHEAMUS. Big Show’s mad that John Cena doesn’t feel like addressing him, then makes fun of Rowan for being an adult who plays for toys. Big Show’s ring is made for men. Some of whom have legitimate medical conditions that make them freakishly large and powerful. Big Show threatens to hurt a man who is almost his size, and Rowan says he doesn’t like bullies. He hits Big Show with his rad spin kick, and Big Show wisely chooses to run away. Don’t mess up your suit, bro. Keep it fresh, and fight another day.

Seth Rollins is backstage, probably voting for literally anybody but Noble and Mercury to be his partner. They meet him in the back and say that they’re ready, that teaming with Rollins is going to be like Shield 2.0. Rollins loves his tiny buddies, but they’re tiny. I mean, they’re both former champions in WWE, but they’re not large, and that’s what matters. Dolph Ziggler comes into the room and says that he believes in Noble and Mercury and asked his 1.4 million Twitter followers to vote for them. For once, WWE’s constant social media push seems kinda natural. Noble and Mercury are pumped about this, but then they realize what’s up.

Brie Bella (w/WWE Diva’s Champion Nikki Bella) vs. AJ Lee: For some reason, Brie is super pumped that her sister has the title, which she helped secure by sexually assaulting AJ Lee the night before. It’s her last day as a slave, but I guess she could do this forever. AJ Lee comes out and has a microphone. She congratulates Nikki on turning her life’s work (legitimizing a championship belt that’s shaped like a butterfly and festooned with designs that verge strongly on the vaginal) into an accessory. Lesbian jokes! Skank jokes! This is how we write women! CM Punk chants start up immediately when the bell rings, and AJ and Brie start brawling. AJ misses a baseball slide to the outside and decks Nikki. This lets Brie attack her from behind, nailing her in the back of the head with a forearm. In the ring, this is worth a two count. The camera and transition from a replay obscures something that I think is a DDT, and Brie starts working on AJ’s arm. Brie chokes AJ with the point of her knee against the ropes and continues to work the arm. Nikki cheers her sister on. AJ fights out of it, but Brie gains the advantage by continuing to work the arm. AJ gets a roll-up, but it’s only a one count (because her arm is weak, but who pays attention to these things?). She then catches Brie with a Thesz press and lays into her with a flurry of punches. Brie escapes to the corner, but gets splashed. AJ follows up with the Shining Wizard, but that doesn’t end it. Brie tries to get back into it, but AJ keeps fighting her off. Nikki snaps AJ’s arm over the ropes while the referee’s back is turned, and this allows Brie to roll AJ up for the win. Winner: Brie Bella via pinfall. Grade: C+

They’re not explaining this storyline, which is awful, but the Bellas work better as a heel tandem than they do as rivals, to be honest. AJ’s on the microphone again, upset that it took two Bellas to beat her. Two Bellas aren’t half the woman AJ is, however. While the Bellas respond by flaunting whatever it is that they’ve got, AJ delievers her pipe bomb: “Talent is not sexually transmitted.” Big response from the crowd, who are, of course, aware that Brie is married to Daniel Bryan and Nikki is dating John Cena. I like AJ Lee just fine, but I’m against angles that treat women like accessories to men or insinuate that they’ve only gotten anywhere because they’ve fucked their way to that spot. So, while I’m glad last night wasn’t, as rumored, AJ’s last night, if this is going to be a feud with legs, they’d better start doing something else, and fast.

Adam Rose and The Bunny vs. Tyson Kidd and Natalya: Larry the Cable Guy and Santino are on commentary. Adam Rose and The Bunny are wrestling. I. Want. To. Die. Adam Rose hates that The Bunny is dancing with Larry the Cable Guy, and I’m with Adam Rose. Larry the Cable Guy is concerned that The Bunny wants to fuck him. The Bunny starts the match against Tyson Kidd. I hope Natalya gets in, just so that we can have an intergender wrestling match on WWE television. Instead, we have Tyson Kidd, one of the best wrestlers on the roster, going through this routine where he can’t lock up with The Bunny, who is an amazing natural athlete and master of escapes. All of his dropkick bullshit from yesterday continues to be the gimmick. And then THE BUNNY GETS KICKED IN THE FACE. Thank God. Tyson abuses the stupid Bunny and tags Natalya in. This is what progress looks like in the WWE. Tyson is justifyably upset that his wife shows the Bunny some concern and tags himself in. So The Bunny takes over and tags out to Adam Rose, who takes Kidd to the mat and gets a two. The Bunny tries to heel it up and grab Kidd’s ankle, but he doesn’t realize that Kidd reversed the Irish whip and he accidentally grabs Rose. Kidd rolls up Rose, and this one, mercifully, is over. Winners: Tyson Kidd and Natalya via pinfall. Grade: F

The Bunny figures out that he screwed up and tries to apologize by pantomiming everything that just happened. End. This. Please. Ryback is walking around backstage, and he’s interviewed by Renee Young. She congratulates him on his victory, but he doesn’t care about his WrestleMania revenge because it’s almost Thanksgiving and he’s hungry. He looks for a good concession stand. The final New Day promo plays, bringing together Kofi, Big E., and Xavier Woods. Together they’re going to be stronger, be smarter, and fly higher. Again, there is almost no way this ends well. Sorry guys. Now that they’re all together, the three dance around like James Brown in front of their gospel choir. Big E. does a big cabbage patch. They debut next week. Concessions Kane is still struggling with everything when he hears Ryback say that he’s hungry. Kane approaches the counter. Ryback orders two cans of tuna fish, a protein shake with extra protein, and a big bag of beef jerky. They don’t have any of that, but Concessions Kane tries to make it up to The Big Guy by throwing a hot dog in his face. This doesn’t work. Ryback smashes Concessions Kane with the counter and sprays him with mustard. Kane tries to fight back by throwing a bucket of popcorn at Ryback, but he only responds to meat. He grabs a bag of peanuts and says that Concessions Kane forgot them. They should probably fire every writer.

Renee Young interviews John Cena and Dolph Ziggler. Oh man, John Cena hasn’t been seen all show. It’s a new day, indeed. John Cena goes over the events of Survivor Series. Dolph Ziggler was the only guy left. Ziggler says that everything was on the line, but that he promised to survive. They needed a miracle, and that miracle was Sting. Cena is hyped about Sting, but gives Ziggler all due credit. Cena is all smiles, doing a rhyming nonsense promo. They keep putting over the voting app, but whatever. There’s nothing stopping Noble and Mercury from winning a vote against Kane, Mark Henry, and Luke Harper. John Cena and Dolph Ziggler come out, and we’re going to find out who they’re facing.

Dolph Ziggler and John Cena vs. Seth Rollins, Jamie Noble, and Joey Mercury: Daniel Bryan comes out to announce the results of the vote. He brings Seth Rollins out and brings out the drum roll. By a 93% vote, it’s former WWE Tag Team Champion Joey Mercury and former WWE Cruiserweight Champion Jamie Noble. Seth Rollins is none too pleased.

Over 300,000 people voted for them, which is actually pretty impressive. Mercury and Noble didn’t bring their gear, so they’ll be wrestling in their suits. Jamie Noble, who was once the Ring of Honor World Heavyweight Champion, needs to be told to take his tie off in the ring. Michael Cole points out that Noble was Cruiserweight Champion a decade ago and that time has passed Noble and Mercury by. It never quite arrived. Noble shows no fear against John Cena and puts him in a headlock. Lawler mentions Andy Kaufman, which reminds me that he was once useful. Mercury comes in to attack Cena, but Cena shoots Noble into the ropes. Noble runs them, with Cena and Mercury doing drop downs. Eventually Cena rolls out of the way. Rollins, from the corner, groans about his partners. Mercury stands, colliding with a still-running Noble, and Cena lifts Mercury up for the Attitude Adjustment. Rollins gets in the ring and pulls him down, and the three regroup. I love that Rollins is a master of teamwork, even in new situations. After a commercial, Cena is compromised in Rollins’ corner. Jamie Noble gets back into the match and stomps away at the 15-time champion. Noble charges at Cena, who moves, and Noble crashes into the ring post. JBL claims Triple H paid Seal Team 6 to train Noble and Mercury. Where are those training videos? Mercury encourages his buddy to get to his corner and make the tag. Cena tags in Dolph Ziggler, though, and takes it to Jamie Noble. Clothesline, clothesline, splash, neckbreaker, big elbow drop, DDT—all of Dolph’s moves. Mercury breaks it up and is held up by the referee. This lets Rollins attack Ziggler and get into the match. Ziggler’s the face in peril now as Rollins is the architect of all evil heel garbage. Rollins pulls on Ziggler’s hair and tags Noble back into the match. He body slams Dolph Ziggler and hits him with a leg drop for two. He puts Ziggler in a chinlock. Ziggler comes back with a chinbreaker. Cena calls for the tag, but Ziggler goes for a Stinger splash and misses. Noble steps on Ziggler’s head and gets cocky, which lets Ziggler drill him with a dropkick. Noble taks Joey Mercury in. He goes for a back suplex, but Ziggler flips out of it and tags Cena in. Cena goes shoulderblock, shoulderblock, powerbomb, Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Rollins gets involved and stops the Attitude Adjustment again. He’s stuck between Cena and Ziggler, but Mercury and Noble get involved again and save Rollins. They, however, are not spared a Zig Zag and an Attitude Adjustment. Winners: John Cena and Dolph Ziggler. Grade: B-

Cena and Ziggler invite Rollins back into the ring, but he declines. Daniel Bryan rushes him and hurls him back in against his will, and he is summarily superkicked and Attitude Adjusted. Daniel Bryan celebrates with John Cena and Dolph Ziggler… and then a MacBook’s instant messenger noise goes off, dimming the lights. It’s the Anonymous Raw General Manager. Michael Cole gets super hyped about this and goes to the podium to read it. He’ll be the General Manager next week, for Cyber Monday. That’s when things are cheap on the internet. The computer has a virus, and the fans sigh and groan. They should start a “FUCK OUR LIVES” chant, but they don’t.

Raw started out tremendously, but then became this weird, never-ending placeholder of a show. The main event, which was nice and goofy, should have served to further propel Dolph Ziggler, but it didn’t, and the crowd was so worn out that not even Daniel Bryan could get them going. I can’t blame them. Beyond Big Show’s promo, everything after Ambrose/Harper was dire and miserable. They didn’t quite squander my goodwill from last night, but as the show played off to Michael Cole smiling and a computer going crazy, I have to admit: They came pretty close.

Rating:
November 25, 2014