At least that’s what the tagline of the classic Bride of Frankenstein suggests. While I can’t imagine poor old Frank doing much in marriage besides grunting and raising his arms towards the fridge for another beer, it must be said that the Bride is quite a catch.

 

With the grace of a burlesque dancer waking from a 20-year-nap, the Bride screamed her way into the Monster’s heart. In fact, Frankenstein’s Monster is so entranced by this new creation that he calls her “Friend,” a handle that’d previously been assigned to some old hermit who gave him food and taught him enough English to secure a management position at Wal-Mart. Not that it mattered—the Bride really didn’t like her husband.

That Frankenstein’s Monster would associate the word “friend” with both his mate and some old hermit has caused a stir. Might the Monster be…bisexual?! Like the age old question “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?” the world may never know. But film scholars point to the homosexuality of several cast members and the director, James Whale, as important clues.

To get to the bottom of this, I’ve decided to match Frank with other famous monsters. If the Bride of Frankenstein doesn’t want him, perhaps some other lucky ghoul does. So, lets meet the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes!

THE BLOB

While he/she/it may not be much on the eyes, the Blob is a perfect mate for you confused fans of Frankenstein’s Monster, because he/she/it has no discernible gender! The Blob enjoys Bela Lugosi movies, slow walks through terrified city squares, and children. Much like the Monster, the Blob cannot be stopped, and often takes trips to cold, inhospitable areas. These two could really heat up the Arctic…which might be a problem for the residents of Downingtown, PA, but who can stop the all-engulfing forces of love?

Would it work?

Probably not. While the Blob is mindless, it’s also a mindless killing machine. Poor Frankenstein would probably mistake the Blob’s soundless advance as affection. Hearing the poor bastard moan “Friend? Friend?” before being engulfed would break my heart. And then I’d be next.

FRANKENHOOKER

While the picture above may not show it, Frankenhooker is one hot collection of reassembled human remains. With the face of a Penthouse Pet and the arms, legs, breasts, and internal organs of several New Jersey streetwalkers, Frankenhooker would make an apt replacement for the Bride. Frank’s constant call of “Friend” would be met with a reassuring “Wanna date?” What could possibly go wrong?

Would it work?

Well, a lot could go wrong. First, Frank’s the kind of monster who requires constant attention. He’d demand Frankenhooker to be a one monster kinda gal, and considering that her profession is turning tricks, that isn’t likely. Then, assuming that Frank somehow rounds third and heads for home, consider this: having sex with Frankenhooker causes one to disintegrate. I’m assuming that this is because Frankenhooker has a billion volts running through her. Frank does, too, so maybe they’d cancel each other out, but if you knew that your spouse had a history of blowing people up through intercourse, you’d probably think twice, wouldn’t you?

THE TOXIC AVENGER

Another resident of the Jersey Shore, Melvin was a janitor at a health club before he took a dive into some acid and emerged with a face that only the mom from The Goonies could love. While Toxie may not share the same love of Errol Flynn swashbuckler movies that made Sloth so lovable, he does enjoy meting out Jersey-style street justice to the scum of Tromaville. After dispatching Tromaville’s evil-doers with a thrust of his mighty mop, he and Frank could settle down, maybe get a two-bedroom house in a decent neighborhood, maybe raise a few kids.

Would it work?

While I’m sure Frank could look past Toxie’s faults, there are others who can, too. Namely Sara, a big breasted, blond, blind girl who can see past Toxie’s looks, mostly because she’s blind. While Frankenstein’s Monster would be the first to tell you that Toxie’s turd-like visage is only a slight step down from his own, it’s impossible to deny that blond, big breasted, blind women who love you in spite of the turd-like appearance don’t come around but once every 500 years. Like a woman who finishes her can of Fosters by crushing it against her skull, Sara is a keeper, and Frankenstein is alone.

THE INVISIBLE WOMAN

Kitty Carrol is the subject of the Universal comedy that may just be the loosest sequel ever produced. While her condition renders her naked, Ms. Carrol has little else going for her. She’s not a monster, and she’s not really crazy, like the original invisible man. Still, she’s a smart woman, and her ability to fight off gangsters makes her at least an option; maybe even a rebound after a break from Frankenhooker or the Bride.

Would it work?

Here’s the thing about invisible women: They’re invisible. That would confuse the Monster, sending him into a panic. His panic would terrify the invisible woman, who would scream. Her scream would pretty much tell poor Frank that life isn’t worth living. That particular signal would cause him to pull a lever that would destroy whatever building the two of them were in. Then again, Ms. Carrol becomes visible again through the power of alcohol, so it’s possible that, beer goggles on, she’d be satisfied. The morning after, she’d be sober. The walk of shame may be hard, but at least she’d be invisible.

SOLOMON GRUNDY

Here’s the skinny on Solomon Grundy. He was born on a Monday. Christened on Tuesday. Married on Wednesday. Took ill on Thursday. Grew worse on Friday. Died on Saturday. Buried on Sunday. That’s the end of Solomon Grundy. But, if he gets married on Wednesday, that leaves some time for romance between the christening and the marriage ceremony. The swamps can be an awful lonely place, even if you have a life span of seven days. Wedding gift? Utility belts and pants are welcome.

Would it work?

Legally speaking, no. There aren’t that many swamps in America, and the majority of those are in Florida. For those of you not paying attention, Florida just banned gay marriage. While Grundy and Frankenstein have a lot in common, I doubt Mr. Grundy would want to wait for a Supreme Court decision to seal the deal. Besides that, Grant Morrison’s Frankenstein, as seen in Seven Soldiers of Victory, is supposedly a Grundyman, a member of a race of people created by witches. I’m not exactly sure how it works out, but the two are related. While no children could result from the relationship, incest is still gross.

GRENDEL’S MOTHER

Sure, she might be the murderous mother of weird looking monsters, but other than that, what’s the problem? Oh, that she’s covered in weird looking gold paint. Apparently though, the amount of paint covering her body changes according to the amount of flesh that needs to be hidden to keep Beowulf at a kid-friendly PG-13. When Grendel’s mom isn’t killing or giving birth to hero killing monsters, she’s on her back, getting it on with everybody and anybody, and I mean anybody. Have you seen Sir Anthony Hopkins lately?

Would it work?

Hell yes. Grendel’s Mother’s only concern is that her man has the necessary equipment to knock her up, and I’m assuming that Henry Frankenstein wasn’t mad enough to leave his creation without a member. With Frankenstein’s penis now firmly in your minds eye, consider that the rest of his internal machinery works. Why wouldn’t that? It’s a match made in heaven, at least until Grendel’s Mother kicks Frank out of the cave for being a clingy son of a bitch. Still, she’ll sleep with anything. ANYTHING. It’s the most fulfilling relationship that both partners could have. Frank wants attention. Grendel’s Mother wants children. Sex is a kind of attention, at least momentarily, and assuming that Grendel’s Mom is fine with Frank’s robotic movements, this could be the start of something beautiful. Call me Hitch, baby.